Full Transcript
Oh, that was the that was the transition. That was it. Yeah, okay.
David:
And that that that that was that was the cue for you.
Gavin:
Hey, this this this high tech thing is uh is uh throwing me. I’m with you now.
David:
Anything beyond AOL and Nana gets confused. And this is Gatriarchs.
Gavin:
So this weekend, uh my daughter, it was probably about 9.30 or 10 already, and she’s like, Well, it’s not a Saturday night if we don’t watch a movie. I’m like, alright, jeez. I mean, my son had already gone to bed, so it’s fine. I’m like, okay, well, let’s do this. And um, she’s flipping through Netflix or wherever she was flipping, and she goes, Greece? What is Greece? Is it like about is it like about the country or like hair? And I’m like, oh, that was actually pretty insightful. You know what? Let’s watch Greece. You’re old enough for Greece. Let’s do Greece. Let’s do it. So we watch Greece. And I’m finding myself, you know, at the beginning having to stop and explain this. She was already bored, by the way. In the if you recall, there’s a really long introduction to the movie with the um, you know, the the 70s Bee Gees music, which is suddenly not at all the 1950s, right? And then there’s the love is a trans, and they’re on, Sandy and Danny are out on the beach, and she’s like, This is this gonna be a weird kissing movie, and I’m like, oh, buckle up. Anyway, we watch the movie. I’m watching it for the very first time with really adult eyes. I don’t think I’ve watched it since high school. I’ve seen a bunch of stage productions, whatever. I get it. And my daughter’s like, This, this is so weird. This is so bonkers, and there are so many elements, of course, that I’m having to think like, I hope you didn’t get that joke, I hope you didn’t get didn’t get that reference. Then we’re like, you know, a real pussy driver in um load up a fight. Yes, exactly. Oh, and yeah, the whole thing is about like obviously men tapping ass, right? But mainly, so there’s there’s a lot of complications. I don’t know. The movie does not need to be censored or cancelled for sure, but it is a really, really dated piece, without a doubt. But then you get to the end, and I was rolling on the floor with my daughter, where she was like, when they’re singing, We Go Together, suddenly there’s all these dancers who are coming out of nowhere, and they are wearing the strangest costumes. There’s this one guy who’s wearing shorts, but he’s wearing white socks pulled up to his knees, and he’s he probably looks 45 years old or so, and he’s dancing with all these high school kids, which of course is sort of the conceit behind Grease, but at the same time, the movie, I don’t know, you just go along with it. But this guy is clearly 15 years older than everybody else. There’s a guy wearing green shorts. There’s just suddenly, oh, I I said that. There’s a guy anyway, there’s just all of these bizarre dancers who have come out of nowhere and they’re doing these weird penguin dancing, dancing. And then Sandy and Danny, as you may recall, drive off into the sunset in their car, suddenly flying. And my daughter’s looking at me like she was laughing uproariously because the whole show is so stupid. And then to just go really deep, Stalker Channing actually acts the shit out of Rizzo. She’s great. Um, John Travolta is really charming ultimately. Of course, Olivia Newton John. Like, I was watching it thinking the acting is actually pretty good, but man, some of the singing is abominable.
David:
And the story is just fucking stupid. And we all keep doing the show just because it’s the show to do. We’ve never sat down and questioned, like, what are we doing with our lives?
Gavin:
Lowest common denominator for sure. And having to explain to your kid, listen, becoming I mean, compromising yourself entirely and becoming a smoker so that you can get the partner. I mean, and but luckily, she’s like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I know, I get that. You don’t have to explain that to me. So, you know, hopefully I’ve instilled some lessons in it. But one of the lessons also is I’m sure we will not, she’s not gonna become a Grease aficionado watching it 87 times in high school like some do.
David:
No, but there’s all there’s also the whole like child eyes and adult eyes. So, like, she’s seeing it through her her eyes, which is a very different experience than us because do you ever go back and watch like Ren and Stimpy? Do you know how fucking dark and diabolical and twisted that show was? And I just watched it being like, oh, they’re so funny. Right. But but in a good way, in a highbrow kind of way? I don’t know. It’s just like I don’t know. I I listen, that’s probably why I’m gay, is Ren and Stimpy, so I’m gonna go ahead and play Nickelodeon on me. No, I’m I’m just I’m just like to blame things on other people. Um uh which brings me honestly to my next point, which is Gavin, if I’m gonna be honest, I don’t think I’m meant to be a good parent. Like, I don’t think it’s in the cards for me, and here’s why I have the emotional maturity of a three-year-old. Because my son grew he woke up this morning, and I’m just and any parent out there listening knows this. Like, sometimes your kid wake up wakes up on the wrong side of the bed with a dark cloud over him, however you want to say it, like they’re just grumpy. They are grumpy monkey, if you’ve read that book, um, and they are just mad at the day. And what happens to immature assholes like me is that it starts to wear on you and it starts to wear you down, and at some point I just go, you know what? I just ignore Michelle Obama. I’m like, when they go low, you go high. No, when they go low, I go subterranean. I dig so far deep into the earth’s mantle because I just like you know what? I’m gonna fight fire with fire. That is I’m just here to tell you from the future, that is the wrong move. You acting like a three-year-old to a three-year-old only ends in heartache. My son just awoke up this morning with j just just mad at everything. He was like, I don’t wanna get dressed. I was like, it’s fine, don’t get dressed. And then he starts crying, I wanna get dressed. And I’m like, I I am not mature enough to handle this today. And and the thing that really broke me today was he demanded that he wear his cape in the car. Okay? And I’m like, fine, wear your cape in the car, but you’re not bringing it into school. And I made this arbitrary line in the sand, you are not wearing it into school. Knowing full well kids walk into that fucking school in capes and dresses and crowns and all the bullshit. But I had decided, because I’m an immature asshole, that I’m gonna hold that line. Well, Gavin, what do you think happened when it was time to get out of the car?
Gavin:
Tell me. He was like Who was in tears? Were you in tears?
David:
He is like, I am going to wear this cape into school, and I said, over my dead body. And we had a standoff in the parking lot for about 10 minutes, and I was not proud of myself, but I realized like to fight the fire of a three-year-old, you cannot match their maturity level. Which I’m sure all our listeners are going, yeah, David, you fucking idiot. You’re freaking out. It’s no obvious ready. Act like a 43-year-old.
Gavin:
And all of you out there, surely you’ve also dug subterranean and gone head to head with your three-year-old. I mean, come on, have we all done this? You know, this almost exact same thing happened with me today, which is my daughter was um frantically getting ready for school. She was pulling out a bunch of old papers, and she pulled out some math assignments that she had been graded on, and the grades were not up to my standards. And I mistakenly said, Oh, this is worrisome. And I didn’t really say it. I wasn’t, it wasn’t meant to be passive aggressive. I didn’t even really want her to hear me say that, but I really was like, oh, this doesn’t look good. She flipped out at me. No, I didn’t flip out back at her, but the fact that I didn’t just go let it go, because we were about to walk out the door anyway. So then though, then this is the part that rubs me wrong. And I’m curious about your husband in this scenario, or if you’ve even debriefed it with him. He comes down and he’s like, you know, sometimes you just gotta deal with it, you gotta realize you’re dealing with a psychopath, a temporary psychopath, and you have to go high. You have to pull an Obama, you have to be the one who just completely counters the energy. And I’m like, oh, you weren’t here, and he’s but I mean, come on, you this happened exactly to you last night, and he was like, Well, kind of, but you know, he was able to school me on how to parent what’s going on. Doesn’t that enrage you?
David:
Yes, your husband is the better person. And you’re like, oh, now I’m the asshole. Yes. And your husband’s like, no, you’ve always been the asshole, honey. Yeah, no, that my husband is for sure the calm, thoughtful. He’s like, I he comes up with games to play, like, and I’m just like checking the clock. Listen, it’s about we’re balancing each other out, right? But every you know what is really actually super satisfying is when your husband or mine breaks a little bit. When they, for a second, give in to that, like, I how like I’ll hear, like, I’ll hear him putting um my son up to bed upstairs, and I know he’s being a dick.
Gavin:
He’s like, I’m not gonna brush my teeth, I’m not gonna do this, and then you hear your husband lose it, and you just kind of go, yes, it just feels satisfying, and you get to be a little smug to yourself, hopefully not to your hubs, but like to yourself, you’re like, that is so gratifying.
David:
Okay, our next guest is somebody with as varied of a career and narrow eardrums as anybody I know. She is a Broadway performer, a choreographer, a teacher, a mom, a restaurateur, and now she is lucky to add guest on Gatriarchs to her resume. It’s going right to the top. It’s Broadway’s Sloan Just. Hi, Sloan.
SPEAKER_00:
Hi, Gatriarchs.
David:
Hi!
SPEAKER_00:
I’m so happy to be here.
David:
I have a question for you, and it’s okay if I’m Well, this is not our interview, but okay, go ahead.
unknown:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Or is it? Oh, there we go. Um, am I the first person with a vagina on this podcast?
David:
You are not. You are but but, however, you are the first straight woman who wasn’t raised by two women on our podcast. So if you want to put that on a brass plate in your office, yeah, the most basic woman we’ve had so far.
SPEAKER_00:
That is always the goal, so I’m thrilled. I’m like sis, I’m sis. Um from a heteronormative familial environment. Yes. Does the Jewishness have any kind of flavor? Eh. Not nothing. I mean on gatriarchs, like it’s a mild seasoning. It’s not, it’s like an everything bagel.
David:
Like, it’s like boiled chicken. Do you know what I mean? It’s got the flavor of boiled chicken.
SPEAKER_00:
And it’s good for you. Okay. I’ll take it. I’m I’m I love that you called me a restaurateur. I have nothing to do with my husband’s business, but I harass him there often. You can find me there because I’ll be harassing him.
David:
Well, when we were talking, so Sloan and I did, so we we all know Sloan through various points in our lives, and I knew Sloan Sloan and I knew each other for this very narrow little part of our lives. But Sloan’s husband is a restaurateur, and he owns, I don’t know, the the most famous or definitely top 10 most famous, like midtown, every actor knows them restaurants. Five napkin burger, which I’ve eaten at constantly. Yep, so good. Uh Nizza Schma Schmackeries, my God, like anybody who’s ever been to New York City has been to Schmackeries and hated themselves for it. Please keep coming.
SPEAKER_00:
Can I children have needs? I just I encourage you to buy cookies and and share them with your friends.
Gavin:
I have this right in front of me. I have a gift certificate that must be 10 years old, but I’m assuming that since I now know you, you can cash this in.
SPEAKER_00:
We’ll see how this goes. Yeah.
David:
I will say I’m slightly upset with the fact that Schmacker’s only has the key lime cookie once in a blue moon. Right. And so um I say we get we invite some of the Nazis to Schmackeries and protest Schmackeries until we get those key lime cookies.
Gavin:
That might need a little context. That might we might be explained.
David:
They didn’t hear the previous context. Well, did you tell us? Tell us what you’re going to do tonight. Tell us about the Nazis.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, I have so much, so many Nazi stories. But tonight’s Nazi tale, um, I’m gonna go see the opening of Parade on on the Broadway, um, which I was great I so Robert, the husband that we were talking about, um, my first husband and current husband, he um, in addition to for now, we’ll see. It’s only been 17 years. You never know how these things are gonna go. But he um has a new tiki lounge underneath Marseille, it’s called the Freaky Tiki. And his partner in the Freaky Tiki is one of the producers of um Parade, Greg Noble. And I happen to have a bunch of friends in Parade, so it’s one of those lucky things where he’s like, Do you guys want to go? And I’m like, Hell yeah. However, I’m told there will be Nazis, you know, registering their dismay at, I don’t know, a story about a man, a Jewish man being lynched, I don’t know.
David:
I was about to say, can you explain that to me? Because Parade is anybody who’s kind of inside our world knows that parade is like one of those shows that everyone looks at as like just a uh almost a perfect piece of art. But let’s just talk about the story. The story is about a Jewish man from a very, very long time ago being falsely accused of something and then lynched for it, right? Right. So why why are Nazis mad at that?
SPEAKER_00:
They are upset from what I hear through the Nazi channels that I’m you know connected to. That not really, from the actors in the show. They are upset that they think that Leo Frank, it is Leo Frank, right? Yeah, that’s his thing.
David:
Yeah, Leo Frank is the lead character who gets lynched.
SPEAKER_00:
Correct. They believe he actually was not railroaded, and they want everyone to know that um that it’s okay that he was lynched because he in fact was doing the things he was accused of doing.
David:
That this that this that this musical on Broadway got it wrong of the historical story that they’ve never heard until their friends told them to meet them at the theater and bring a sign.
SPEAKER_00:
It’s just so bizarre. And I’m trying to tell my kids like so guys, like if mommy goes to jail tonight, it’s because it’s because of the Nazis. Right.
David:
I want to tell you that Gatearchs will match any donation for your bail. Yes. Uh if you if you punch a Nazi. Uh to$27. Up to$27 and a an outdated Schmacker’s gift card.
SPEAKER_00:
I have to say, I used to be quite good friends with the police in that neighborhood for various reasons. And Rob and Robert has a good relationship with them as well. So I’m not concerned. I feel that if I have, you know, it is.
David:
You guys literally own Ninth Avenue, so it’s like, what what’s the point? Like what what like you are you guys are in control? You guys are the mob of like Midtown. So you guys have control over everything.
Gavin:
I just the Jewish mob of the dance belt.
SPEAKER_00:
I mean, there are so many things to what I’ll tell you too is Robert, my husband, is like just this side of being gay. Like he’s you know, he loves himself a cabaret. Like his favorite people are like Liza Minnelli, and like there’s not an accent that we’re married as I’m like the poor person’s, you know, gay icon. So he like he’s connected in that world as well. So I think I think we’re gonna be okay if there’s some kind of run-in. We have friends in the end.
David:
Isn’t that the dream of every straight woman is to have a gay husband who wants to have sex with her?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, I sometimes I’m like, like, I I’m questioning him because I know that he’s actually straight because he’ll do something like something will come on TV and we’re not even watching it’d be like a commercial for like an old Will and Grace or something, and he’ll be like, Do you know who’s great? Karen. And I’m like, yeah. And he goes, Oh no, is she a gay icon? I’m like, yes, honey. So he doesn’t even know that they’re gay icons, he just loves he’s drawn to them.
David:
He’s like, you know, who you know who’s a good cook? Ina Garden. Yeah. I’m like, mmm, it’s like gay icon.
SPEAKER_00:
And I’m like, I I love that he just loves a mouthy broad and it makes it perfect. It’s great.
Gavin:
It does sound like a marriage matchmade in heaven, and also it seems like a really great next um uh uh uh guest that we should have here on Gatriarchs, actually. Let’s talk about let’s talk it, let’s pick apart his adjacency to Gatriarchy.
SPEAKER_00:
Honestly, he is such a friend of the gays, and he does so many podcasts. He’s like a podcast professional. The man is like on every like I don’t listen to them clearly. They’re like about restaurants. Of course.
David:
No, why would you?
SPEAKER_00:
It’s like restaurants. Just bring me the money, sweetie. I don’t know. I don’t need to know the nuts and bolts of it all. Um, but yeah, he’s a wonderful man. And in fact, during the pandemic, when the restaurants got reopened again, they were like closed for like three months and then he went back. I don’t know how he did it. He kept them all open. He kept nine restaurants open. Wow. But he started this thing where I don’t know if you guys knew about this, and I hope you did, but actors or people involved in Broadway shows, people I could think anyone in equity could come and just eat meals at his restaurants and then just like kind of like run a tab and pay them when they could.
David:
And that was I did not know that. That was his idea. It wasn’t even me.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, he just did that, and like, you know, it’s like and even me, like, you know, God knows I want to feed the people, but I’m like, is this fiscally, you know, like we’re just gonna feed a bunch of actors for a year and and because we know they can eat honey.
David:
He sounds he sounds really great. What it why did he why is he I don’t, I don’t really he sounds really great.
SPEAKER_02:
Lovely.
David:
Yeah, he is um. But I mean John Mulaney, John Mullaney has a great joke about that where like he talks about like when when God was making him, they were making a gay man, but they forgot to take the switch at the last at the last minute. They’re like, oh no, you marked that one gay, right? Like, no, this will be a very interesting person.
SPEAKER_00:
That’s exactly right. I’ve exactly right. And he comes from like a really um intensely Catholic Italian family. Like he had no gay influences. I’m very proud of the work I’ve done. I feel like I’ve brought out what was already in there, and it’s great. The man left. It took some doing, uh, but it’s now he’s fully he’s fully formed.
Gavin:
Let’s just I am dying to know here, knowing about his restaurateurship and your back your professional background and everything too. Raising kids when you are on a restaurant schedule and potentially a performing schedule means basically you did you ever see your children until they were 15 or so?
SPEAKER_00:
I’m starting not to see them more, which is delightful. Um, but I, as I think I told David, we had like a big like fertility journey, an IVF journey, and all that stuff. So it took me four years to conceive my first child, who is now 12 and a half, and then another couple mishaps happened in between with my son who’s 10. So I, as much as I was like a great, I think I was a great like associate choreographer, like swing, he’ll tell you when I’m we’re like not talking. But I could do a lot of multitasking in terms of the theater. When it came to having kids, I I did so much work to get them here that I really took all the time once they were born and I felt like I’m not doing anything else. Like I I am gonna focus on like momming these children. Um, and I don’t know if that was the best idea because, like all the reasons they say, you know, I definitely poured everything into them for a really long time. And I never resented them, but I’m just now kind of starting to be like, okay, like now it’s time for me to like be creative and do the things I love to do, and they’re big enough to be able to like not need me all the time. So I it happened the way it was supposed to, but for the bulk of their lives, it’s been like I’m around and Robert gets home late at night. But the good news is, and I can’t believe I’m saying so many nice things about him. This is not part of the plan, but yeah, you know, when he is home, I remember he came home when Stella, my eldest, was an infant, and he was working six days a week instead of seven. And he came home, he came home on a Saturday, and I was butt naked, changing her at the changing table sobbing.
SPEAKER_02:
Okay, because she had like barked on me.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, she had barked on me, and I was just out there, just you know, tits out, like trying to do this. And he walked in, he’s like, oh fuck, I I don’t need to work on Saturdays. I’m like, okay, like he so he’s he works a lot, but when he’s home, like now he’s basically home most weekends, and he’s just he he does, he’s a great partner. So that’s how he does it. He really just he, unlike me, can kind of put work aside and and and be with us for like the 48 hours that he’s there. And even in the mornings, it kind of works out because he’s not like a regular dad. He doesn’t have to go be at work at 9 a.m. He can leave the house around 9. So, you know, I take my daughter to the skating rink at 4:30 before school three times a week.
Gavin:
Okay, we’re gonna come back to that.
David:
Yeah. Slow zoom in on David and Gabin’s face, who are just like eyebrows raised.
Gavin:
I hate I hate it when people make me feel guilty for the fact that I’m dragging my ass out of bed at 5 50, and that feels a like a massive sacrifice because I’m gonna be able to do that.
SPEAKER_00:
I just want to tell you if this is why I’m aging at like a hundred times the natural rate, but she but Rob, but the point is, Robert is homeless. The other one in the morning. So there are some benefits to not having like a conventional like office job.
David:
You know, with the camera. I will say, like, so you and I met when we were both doing Shrek the Musical, and you were the associate choreographer, and I was in the company, and I I had no idea any of that was happening. Now, it’s not like I would have. That was a that but that but like that was a that was a private thing. Obviously, we weren’t like besties, so you wouldn’t have told me, but it it was not something that I ever was like, what’s going on with Sloan? And the thing with anybody who’s ever done a A, any Broadway show, but B, a new Broadway show that is giant, is that it takes your whole being. And you having to create every day, and as we you and I know, and we won’t get into this, like the show was especially hard for a lot of reasons, but we went out of town, and every day they were like, do a new opening number, do a new this, do a new that. And it was like 12-hour days, 15-hour days, 20-hour days. So doing all of that on top of going through your IVF journey, I don’t know how you did it.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, thank you. It was, you know, I I did keep it private because it wasn’t working for so long, right? And I had so many law, it wasn’t just listen, trigger warning, because some because I have to say that because for a long time, you know, when you’re going through something and like all of a sudden it’s everywhere you look, right? So like we were going through that for a long time, and every show I turned on had like a dead baby or like an ultrasound, or like I went to go see Did you guys see Saved off Broadway? They did okay, so it was cute, and I the director was an old friend of mine from Chicago, and like I was so excited to be there opening night, and I was like, Yeah, it’s about babies, but like we’ll be okay. And at the end, somebody held up like a huge like ultrasound sonogram photo was like in the thing, and I like lost my shit, and I spent the whole opening night party like, you know, like like vomiting to my friend who hadn’t seen since theater camp. I was like, hey, guess what’s going on in my uterus? Like it’s a it’s like a it’s an emotional thing. So I didn’t share it. The thing that was scary is I did get pregnant finally with my daughter, thank God. Um, towards the end of Shrek, I was pregnant when we closed. And sometimes I would still have to get up and dance a little bit. And that’s when I was like, like Tara Rubin knew. Like if I had to do lead an audition or something, she would be like, sit down and let Justin do it. Right. So I was just kind of a little bit paranoid physically.
Gavin:
Um understandably so.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, and it was, you know, sometimes I think like I told people randomly, like I told Rob Ashford, I don’t know why. I think we were at like a late night production meeting, and I was like hormonal, and I’m like, oh sorry, I’m just trying to have a baby, you know, and like it was kind of good to be able to sometimes let people in on that, but I feel like especially trying to get pregnant, and you guys probably know too, like when you’re you had to go through processes to become parents, and it’s like it’s like having callbacks. Like, you don’t want to tell your parents because then they’re just like, How’d it go? How’d it go?
David:
Yeah, yeah. And you don’t want to see like all the actors coming in every day being like, How are you doing? You don’t want those like hush, quite you’re like, let me just do this and try to like have that as my thing, right? And not have to deal with your faces and everything. Because I don’t want, if there’s another loss, I don’t want to have to deal with another, like, are you okay?
SPEAKER_00:
That was really the worst. Yeah, reporting it is the worst. Like having to make the phone calls over and over and like, yeah, this didn’t work out. This didn’t, you know, like so. I like hid when I was finally pregnant with Stella. I mean, I didn’t, I was like, I I don’t think I left the house for like five months. I was just waiting to make sure everything was okay. And the same thing happened with the other one, and I wound up having to be in the hospital eight weeks ahead of time for both of them, like in the hospital on bed rest because there were complications. It was just never like an easy ride.
SPEAKER_02:
Never easy, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
I will say they were the most well-behaved babies. I think they were terrified when they came out, and they were like, this bitch has no more like to give.
Gavin:
Yeah. You had definitely those hormones had already flowed through them for sure. There was like to avoid mommy.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, like don’t cause any trouble. I was doing like stress tests twice a day at 6 a.m. and 6 p.m. every day in the hospital setting. And it was just like, I was like, thing, you know, like I let like three people in my hospital room, like my husband, Josh Prince, would come and you know, couple really, really close friends, but um, I just they came out and they slept through the night immediately, and they like did all the things, and so I think they really were like they were nervous. They were like, they knew.
David:
Yeah, this bitch, this bitch does not play. But what but part, so we I feel like you we could all have a 25-hour interview and a conversation in a kiki because there’s so much to talk about. We love each other so much, there’s so many joy joyful fun things. But the big reason that I really desperately wanted you on the show was to name drop the Broadway name-drapping of Terra Rubin and talk about the Marvel Montana.
SPEAKER_00:
Or did you want to do it? Did you want 16 bars is what I’m talking about? No, yes, 16 bars of enough tempo. Yes. No, but all of them.
David:
You and I, you and I jumped on the phone, and we hadn’t talked in a dec literally a decade. Yeah. And what you told me a story about how one of the ways you threaten your kids, and I was like, this bitch needs to be on Gate Charts because she fucking is like a basic, a basic cisgender, heteronormative woman, but she’s going to bring the chill to this one thing. Yeah, yeah. So I want I want you to tell me, uh I want you to tell the Gate Charts community that story because it is, to me, just pure genius.
SPEAKER_00:
Thank you. I find it also as instructive. I’m telling you, if you use this tip, it it will, you won’t be sorry. So I was telling David that with both my kids when they were little, because we moved to the suburbs when my eldest was four and he was the little one was one and a half. So I’ve been doing this a while. When my kids would be acting up in the car, which they are wont to do, and just kind of whine and complain, whatever, I would just simply pull over and say, Do you like that house? And they’d be like, Well, I guess so. Why? And I was like, it looks nice, right? And they would say, Yeah, I go, Why don’t you go knock on the door? And they’d be like, Why, mommy? I’d be like, Well, because you seem very unhappy with us. And if you feel like they might, you know, maybe they want a little boy who’s three or whatever, and like if you think you’re gonna be happy there, I think you should give it a whirl. I’ll wait here. Just knock on the door and see if they want you.
David:
The acting skills involved. Well, it’s the long preamble, it’s the long build-up. It wasn’t like just go to the front door. It was like, hey, honey. It was like we start slow. You’re right, you build.
Gavin:
You set you set some context, you give a backstory, you cultivated something. This is fantastic.
SPEAKER_00:
And I felt like this is, you know, you really seem like you are looking for another option, and I would like to I’ll provide that for you. Go ahead and give it a give it a whirl, see what happens. And then they’re like, no, we won’t stay with you! Like, all right then, like pull your shit together. Because like this is it. If you’re if you can’t complain constantly about what’s happening in your life, if I’m giving you a choice, you know, we can walk, tell me a different neighborhood. You know, maybe these houses are too small for you. Let’s go. Let’s let’s let’s just put it out there, let’s manifest. And they were like, like, I mean, it was it’s traumatic, but honest to God, it shuts them right the fuck up.
David:
But it’s it’s it’s so it’s so thoughtful and it’s so it’s so it’s such a thoughtful shade that I I just love so much. It is calling the bluff right away. It was I’m calling your bluff. I’m on I’m gonna hit the unlock button on these doors so you know that door is open.
SPEAKER_00:
You go ahead and get that seatbelt right off. We’ll get you out of your car seat. You just toddle on up those stairs and see if anybody’s interested.
Gavin:
How much would you have loved if somebody had answered the door though? And they had walked up. I kind of wish I would have wanted to see that manifest itself and see the the improv sketch that takes on that you took on.
SPEAKER_00:
What I should have done is like I should have had a house that was like ready to go, like a plant in the audience. And then like brought them there and had the person be like, Oh, I heard your mom’s amazing. Like, are you sure you want to be here? Like, I heard she’s fun and lets you do fun stuff, you know, just to kind of let them know. Now they do. I mean, this is actually cute. Like, yesterday, some I like write sometimes. Not a lot, but I started writing. I’m working on a writing project, and my son came home from school and he’s like a hockey bro. Like he’s like a both of them.
David:
Oh no, he’s so straight. Oh my god. But I’m sorry for your loss.
SPEAKER_00:
No, it’s actually great because he’s so he’s also, I think, has some tendencies like his father because he can’t he came home yesterday and was like, um, mom, for my class, he’s in fourth grade. He’s like, I’m I’m deciding I’m gonna write a play for us to do. I’m like, okay, but it’s the most hetero. I’m like, well, what’s it about? He’s like, um, I am a college football quarterback. I’m like, okay.
David:
No.
SPEAKER_00:
But there’s he goes, it’s uh it’s about a college football team that like they make one decision and it affects the rest of their lives. I’m like, well, what decision? He’s like, I don’t know.
David:
You’re like, maybe they kiss each other. I don’t know.
SPEAKER_00:
So it just killed me though, because I’m like, you’re so straight and like goofy, and like he has a mullet and he’s just really like his own thing, but then he wants to like write a play because he sees me doing it, which is pretty cute.
David:
It’s all very sweet. Well, listen, you have a gay husband and a straight son. You got you’ve got all your basics.
SPEAKER_00:
Best of both worlds. Let me tell you also what so you know what it’s like when your daughter is gonna turn 13. She’s 12 and a half today. I’m driving her to school from the skating rink this morning. As aforementioned, we you know woke up at 4:30. So I’m driving her to the thing, and she’s we’re like debating like, what am I gonna wear for this thing I’m doing with my, you know, the gay triarchs today? And I’m coming up with these ideas. I’m like, you know what? No, I can’t do something fancy. Like that’s just you know, I don’t walk around with my fancy clothes on. So she suggested this blue sweater. I feel like we did okay. We’ll find out later. We’ll see what the audience has to say. Thank you. But I’m like, she goes, What is what is the podcast? I’m like, oh, it’s like a parenting podcast. And I kid you not, I’m gonna do this for a fact. She’s like scrolling. She’s like, are you sure you’re qualified for a parenting podcast? Just fucking get.
David:
Wow. Does she want to be a guest on our show? Because she sounds like the right kind of the whole family.
Gavin:
We can just schedule out the entire just family for the next month. This sounds great.
SPEAKER_00:
It is entertaining and sad, and there will be tears. I can promise you drama. I can promise you a roller coaster of emotion, but just she just shaded me so expertly while not even like looking up from her device as I’m driving her at like 7 a.m. I was like, fuck you.
Gavin:
But you were proud. You must have been proud of that delivery.
SPEAKER_00:
A part of me, a part of me was proud, and I saw my own genetics, which is always a good feeling. But I just was like thinking to myself, like, wow, this is, you know, this is next level. And I said, I had to say, no, it’s one where we’re like inappropriate and we swear. She’s like, oh, okay then.
David:
She’s like, oh, you’re fully qualified for that. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah. She’s like, you’re not gonna pretend to be like normal and like respectful, and yeah, no, absolutely not.
David:
No, no, she’s not invited on those podcasts at all. She has no none of those podcasts. She was she was literally begged to come on this podcast, which is really honestly embarrassing for you.
SPEAKER_00:
No, no, it’s such a thrill. Like, I I I will do this all day long. You probably have like questions and things you want to get to, but I just will shoot the shit.
Gavin:
You have definitely cultivated some really interesting mom hacks. Do you have other suggested uh mom hacks you can share with us to make the entire world a better and hopefully funnier and better dressed place?
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, you’re the best Gaven. I love you so much. I are you guys ever Gavin Dave?
Gavin:
Oh, and we thought about that.
SPEAKER_00:
May I just say okay. That’s a great one. You’re welcome.
Gavin:
And I love I love the order that you put that in as well.
David:
Yeah, I’m not I’m not I don’t actually think that’s gonna work out suggestion.
Gavin:
She’s a writer. She’s a writer, David.
SPEAKER_00:
Now that I know that he’s married to Todd Ellison, the billing has, you know.
David:
Oh, yeah. He’s a pretty big deal. He’s above the title.
unknown:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Um, the other hack I was thinking about is that so my son, as I said, plays hockey, and so he has like early morning shit too. He only goes once a week before school, but weekends are often very early. So I told him when he was like eight that his hockey coach needed me to take a picture of him at bedtime so that she knew he was getting in bed at the right time to wake up early. And that it was like a curfew thing. So I had to like shoot a picture over and then text it to his coach. So I did it for the whole season, and he’d be in bed with his teddy bear, like, cheese, and like go right to bed. Because he wasn’t gonna listen to my ass. So then I really would send it to the coach and she’d like laugh, ha ha. And it just a few weeks ago, he’s like, I don’t think that everyone did that, did they? Like, no, but was your ass in bed at eight o’clock? Yes.
David:
Yes, sure was.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah.
David:
Sure was. That’s genius. Like, honestly, like, ever since you talked about pulling outside the stranger’s house, I think about it daily, and part of me is looking forward because my kid is my kid’s three and a half, I have a three and a half and a one, and they they’re both assholes in their own way. Right. But like they’re not quite to that level where that trick would work. I think I think my son might actually get out of the car thinking maybe there’s something fun to do. But I want to get them to the point where like I’m calling their bluff like you did, and be like, you know what? I’m sure maybe they’re a nice family. But I love the idea of the plant too. But what if you did the reverse of the plant where you you make sure that the person answering the door is like in like a monster makeup and is like serving them Brussels sprouts?
SPEAKER_00:
Right. There’s so many ways, that’s the beauty of it. There are so many ways to go. I will say I think that it’s good that you’re prepared for that. And I also say with the coach stuff too, a big threat I do is like, like, oh, I should call it like Bo Bo Bo is my 10-year-old boy, and he has a sweetheart, but he’s also a 10-year-old boy, and they’re just fucking nutbags. Yeah. Um, they’re just he has so much energy and he’s exhausting. But sometimes when I can’t like get him to mellow out or like do his homework or something, I’m like, oh, I better, I better write an email to Mr. Pelizza, that’s his teacher. And like the minute you mention that you’re gonna like tell their teacher something, or like then they just fucking snap too.
Gavin:
And he has not caught on to that passive aggressive tone of being, uh No, the the threat is enough.
SPEAKER_00:
Like, because I think as my mother told me back in you know the days of your, like, your kids are gonna act out sometimes, they’re gonna be dicks and whatever, but you hope it’s for you and not for other people or at school or whatever. And I I haven’t had good authority that they’re very good at school. So I think like threatening them that that will change or that their reputation will change, or that you know, the person that they actually listen to is gonna be disappointed in them works.
David:
Isn’t that how it normally goes? Isn’t like you the parent is like the center of all things, and then it moves to the teachers are the center of all things, and then it becomes the kid, their friends are the center of all things. So you have to move your threat to the various locations it needs to be in.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, and the friends thing really does um, you know, I mean, Bo, it’s with the technology too. They are connected to their friends all the time now. It’s so different. Um, especially during the pandemic when we all were like, mmm, I don’t know, fuck off, get on the computer, like I don’t know what to do with you all day. Like we just let it all go in my house at least. And my husband did go back to work kind of quick, so I was like, well, I’m gonna start drinking at 3 p.m. and you know fend for yourself.
Gavin:
You mean your third round? I I think your hacks actually um there might be some out there who might think uh that there’s some moral ambiguity here, but I would say this is this is right on what you should be doing. And it reminds me of let’s hope not. It reminds me of a time that I was pushing a you know, my kid in a little pack and play deal. Obviously not at a pack and play, let’s edit that. I’ve forgotten what it what the fuck are the things called. It’s a crawler, but not a stroller. It was, you know, one of those like, I don’t know, whatever, a pram, but not a pram. This isn’t 1922. Oh, like a baby carriage? Thank you.
SPEAKER_02:
A buggy?
Gavin:
Uh yes, whatever.
David:
Was this in the Victorian era game?
SPEAKER_00:
Were you wearing a stovepipe hat?
David:
Were the wheels bigger than the actual pram?
Gavin:
Yes, all of the above. And I got some unsolicited advice from some woman who was born in 1860, probably, because this is 1920 that this took place. But she was a little old lady, and she was, you know, coochie coochie putting her dirty hands all over my baby’s face. She was charred, and she looks up at me and she goes, I have one bit of advice. And I’m like, oh Jesus. This again. And she goes, lie to them. I’m like what? She goes, She’s a batriarch. Just just lie. Tell them whatever you need to do to get through your day and lie to them. And I’m like, This is that lady, come sit next to me. Oh yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
I do have hope because I do see my children’s friends and they’re assholes. Even bigger assholes.
unknown:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
And it’s kind of nice, you know.
David:
Yeah, no, that is the best thing in the world is when you see other parents and they’re doing something terrible, or you’re they’re you you think you’re a bad parent, and then you walk into the kid’s birthday party and you see all the the worst parents, and you go, oh, this feels so good.
SPEAKER_00:
That’s why I watched Teen Mom incessantly when my kids were little. That shit will make you feel great. Like I didn’t put my kids in the sink and leave them there so they could like scald themselves with hot water. Now, I’m not 15 years old, you know, from Kentucky. I I have to do it.
Gavin:
No offense, Kentucky. A lot of listeners, a lot of people in Kentucky.
SPEAKER_00:
Beautiful state, but just these kids didn’t have access to a lot of, you know, parenting help. So, but I would watch that and I love music to my ears when someone else’s kid’s having a tantrum anywhere. Like, yes. So I was on a plane, my daughter was um, I don’t know, she had to be one and a half or something because my son wasn’t born yet. I don’t know where we’re going. We’re going to Chicago, which is like an hour and a half flight. It’s nothing. It was like 11 a.m. My point is no one needed to be sleeping. It wasn’t, it wasn’t a red eye. Right. Like it was like a like a brunch time.
Gavin:
And basically a pedal jumper.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, right. So I’m like sitting with her and I’m reading. You know how it is. You guys probably still, well, David, you probably still do this. You have like the shit you bring on a plane for your kids is like bigger than your actual suitcase. Uh-huh. Like every wipe, every like every toy is like and then all the emotional baggage, which doesn’t just sit overhead. Correct. Which you have to just shove under the seat in front of you and pray. So, but like I remember packing their things for planes was like a nightmare the night before. You never know if the Elmo is gonna be what they want or whatever. So I had everything. I mean, I’m doing whatever, and she was being amazing. Like, I but I I was clearly like entertaining her. We were reading and we were, you know, whatever. Someone taps me from behind, and I’m with Robert, Robert’s are too, and I turn around, I’m like, yes. And the person goes, Oh, your daughter’s adorable. And I’m like, okay. Like I can I know something’s waiting for the daughter. Yeah, like, and and she’s like, um, I was just wondering, like, you know, you’re kind of loud with the reading, and if you could just, I’m trying to sleep. And I was like, I literally like, I Robert jumped in and he’s like mild-mannered, so you know it was ridiculous. And he’s like, no, he’s like, absolutely not. Is my wife entertaining our one and a half year old so she doesn’t like cry bothering you on your 11 a.m. hour and a half flight? Like, no, no, ma’am.
David:
That’s when you turn on every light and then you hand her right to that woman. You go, here you go, good luck.
SPEAKER_00:
I was like, I’m like doing the Lord’s work right now, like for you. I don’t want to be reading this bullshit. So we got to baggage, and I’m still like, you know, my blood is boiling, but I didn’t say anything. And then I know he was a he had to be a gatriarch. Like, I’m getting our bags off the plane, and this like voice over my ear goes, Can you keep it down? Like someone I’d never met before. And I was like, Did you see that bullshit? Like it was like it was like solidarity. I couldn’t.
David:
You pull out a switchblade, you’re like, I will cut you all.
SPEAKER_00:
But I was like, are you really like up my ass for trying to entertain my kid? Well, I it was like, you can’t win. No, you can’t win. Yeah. Oh, there’s no.
Gavin:
Not with that kind of person, but she that person, if you’re out there listening, probably in Kentucky. Right. We would love to have you on this podcast because we want to talk about this with you. We want to go down that aisle.
SPEAKER_00:
I I just don’t know what would get into your mind. Like, if it was a six-hour flight and I was like, you know, performing a musical, I I maybe got it. But also, like, is it is it worse to hear me like speaking a Sesame Street story like quietly, or or I’m having a two-year-old just, you know, do her thing. Crazy.
David:
Um, I I want to talk to you for literally ever, but we’re running out of time. And there’s something very important we need to do. Now, this is the first time we’ve ever done this on Gatriarch, is we that our top three list is only for Gavin and I. But you mentioned you really, really wanted to do a top three. So, Sloan, please join us in our top three. This week, we have our top three list, top three lies you tell your kid. And Sloan, you really wanted to jump in on this, so I’m gonna let you go first. So tell us what are your top three lies you tell your kid?
SPEAKER_00:
Okay, I’m gonna say a nice one because I think the other two hacks I told are actually also both lies about the coach and about you lie a lot. I do really do. So I’ll I’m gonna give you one, which is a nice lie, and then you guys do your top three. Is that what you’re doing? Okay, okay.
David:
So this is just gonna be your number one. It’s gonna be number one.
SPEAKER_00:
We’re gonna go to a sweet spot. Um, I was a very good tooth fairy impersonator. I went the extra mile. I don’t usually do cute things for my children. I’m too tired, and you know, they don’t appreciate it.
Gavin:
It’s exhausting. And they they don’t appreciate it.
SPEAKER_00:
They just really don’t. And so I’m not I’m not bothering. With that, but I I will write letters from their tooth fairies. Um, and they have names. Bo’s tooth fairy’s name is Rufus and Stella’s is Arabella, and they are both British. I don’t know why. I felt it seems like a British occupation. And I do a good, like, I put the letter there, and we have little pillows on the door, and I put the letters inside, and I always make sure to like comment on things going on in their lives, like the tooth fairy. Yeah.
David:
This is just go ahead for this show. Yeah. This is a little too goopy coming.
SPEAKER_00:
The only one that I do that too. And I’m done. I retired it. Like Stella has two teeth sitting in that pillow on her door, and they’ve been there for like three months.
SPEAKER_02:
They’re running.
SPEAKER_00:
So I have dropped it. Like, I but I still give her money. But that’s like, I think that’s the nicest lie. And I think, if I may, the most important truth I told my child Bo is that he was always pissed that Santa didn’t come to our house because we don’t do Santa, but we do Hanukkah and Christmas. So I just told him the truth like right away at two years old. I’m like, we’re Jewish. He doesn’t care about you. And he’s not he’s not coming to your house.
David:
So that’s like he’s too busy at the opening of parade on Broadway.
SPEAKER_00:
He has political statements to make.
David:
Yeah, you can do that.
SPEAKER_00:
And Bo Bo literally said from the backseat of the car, Well, I’m changing my name and I’m moving. So I think he picked up on the like, you have that option. It all comes back to that. We’re all it’s we’re all it’s a moment in time, and we don’t have to stay together if we’re not happy. Do you know what I mean? Like, we just go to the next day. All right, that’s my tr my lie.
David:
All right, that’s your top three. Okay, so here I’m gonna go with my top three because Gabinet ago and tell us our next week list. So number three, top three lies that tells my children, it’s spicy. It’s never spicy. When I’m eating ice cream, can I have some ice cream? Yeah, it’s spicy ice cream. Do you want some spicy? And I hand him the spoon.
SPEAKER_00:
Amazing.
David:
And he’s like, no, I don’t like spicy. I’m like, oh, okay. So it’s an easy one. Just say it’s spicy and they won’t eat it.
SPEAKER_00:
Sometimes I say they have things have booze in it. And most of the time they do.
David:
Well, like mother, like, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
But sometimes I say that if I don’t want to share it, which it works also. You can say, oh, it’s alcoholic. You can’t.
Gavin:
You know, I had that same thought. And but that has not turned my kids off from saying, well, that’s fine. Let me have a sip. Now I’m not going to say that they’re alcoholics right now. We’re trying to keep, you know, like a this is a grown-up thing, but they have had plenty of sips of stuff. And unfortunately, that does not deter them from wanting to taste my margarita.
SPEAKER_00:
I have to say, my dad raised me that way, like he drinks like a, well, not like a toddler. I guess toddlers aren’t supposed to drink alcohol, but like if a toddler would, it would be like what my dad, my dad will have like a Bailey’s or like Kahlua or like a like a banana daiquiri. My whole life. He’s like, try some, it’s like a milkshake. And my mom would be like, Mark. Like he was like pushing it on me.
David:
I love that you used the metaphor of he drinks like a toddler, as if that’s a normal to localism. Yes, exactly.
SPEAKER_00:
Sorry, sorry to interject. What’s your lie?
David:
Please, number two. Uh in number two, we have we don’t have tickets. So whenever my son wants to be like, Oh, I want to go on the roller coaster, I want to go, oh yeah, we have to have tickets. Do we have tickets? We don’t have tickets. Sorry. And tickets is just this again, he’s three and a half. He’s a fucking idiot. So at this age, he believes that we need tickets to get on things because most of the time you do, right? We’ve gone on like little train rides and stuff. So number two, we don’t have tickets. And my number one lie I’m telling my children, and I will I will put this out there, this is not mine. I heard this and it’s so brilliant. I had to add it as number one on my top three list. Is when the ice cream truck plays music, it means they don’t have any ice cream yet.
SPEAKER_00:
Amazing. Amazing.
David:
It means they’re out of ice cream. So when I heard that, I was like, my my life has changed for the better. So, and number one, when the ice cream truck plays music, it means they’re out of ice cream. Gabin’s. That’s fantastic.
SPEAKER_00:
You better make sure they don’t see the kids lining up though. Or if you do, you have to be like, look at those assholes. They don’t like it.
David:
Aren’t they so stupid? You’re so much smarter than them. Let’s go.
SPEAKER_00:
Lucky you have me because they don’t have ice cream.
David:
Yeah. Sorry, I don’t have a mom. Gaben, what is your top three?
Gavin:
I always swore I wasn’t gonna I always swore that I was not going to lie to my kids, right? Definitely one of those adages of before becoming a parent, you know, you think I’m never gonna lie to my kids. And now I realize I will tap dance around fibs. Um, and try in principle not to lie to them, but there are certain elements that I um definitely have no problem with. One of them is when my kid asks me about my sordid past. Number three, when my kid says to me, Have you done drugs and how many have people have you had sex with? Actually, she has never asked me that, but I know it’s coming. And I’m definitely like, look at that bird. Look at that over there. And like, just your daddy, just so, but she has directly asked me, have daddy, you don’t smoke cigarettes, do you? And I do not smoke cigarettes, but I certainly have smoked cigarettes, and I’ve just turned to her and been like, no, because I just don’t feel like telling you that I’ve done it. So I lie about uh having had a sordid past, right? Number two, this comes from my mom. Terrible, well, annoying, but I do it, is um drinks at restaurants, like uh you don’t need a soda. No, it’s actually just food coloring. It’s just food coloring, and people are paying more for that. And my kids think that um soda, well, see, we now have older kids now, right, Sloane? So they don’t pick up on it anymore. They have discovered Sprite, which I’m gonna be like, okay, fine, have a sprite on it. It’s clear, it’s clear. Yeah. We definitely um used to lie that it was just food coloring. In number one, up until two years ago, I’m absolutely convinced my kids that Reese’s peanut butter cups were medicine. Oh. So they couldn’t, so my kids had never tasted a Reese’s peanut butter cup until uh two years ago. So for years, they were just mine and Todd’s. We just had to have our daddy medicine. Daddy medicine. We had our Reese’s peanut butter cups. That’s it.
SPEAKER_00:
I love that. Yeah, the food stuff is helpful. Like the lying about the food, you gotta, you gotta do it. I yeah. They my kids have gotten it’s funny you say about the sordid past and the drugs because I’ve told them.
SPEAKER_02:
Everything?
SPEAKER_00:
I mean, no, because that would, you know, they’re they’re only 12 and 10. Um, but like I’m the mom that’s like, I told them about sex right away. I did all that stuff, and and like my son told his bunk at overnight camp how sex works. Like, I’m that parent that like I don’t know how to bullshit.
Gavin:
How sex works is different from. I fucked eight million guns.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes.
unknown:
Yes.
SPEAKER_00:
We’ll read about that on the internet, I guess. But they know, like when we go to the city, I’m like, do you smell that? And they’re like, what? I’m like, do you smell that smell? And they go, yeah, I go, that’s pot. So when you go somewhere and you smell that you know that that’s pot. Like, I just I don’t know, I feel like I want them to just kind of be aware of what things are. And the other thing that I think is funny, I don’t know if your kids are like this with cigarettes. Like my kids never see anyone smoking because nobody smokes anymore. Right. So we were when they were little, we would walk by someone smoking and they’d go, and I’m like, what? And they’re like, a smoke pole, a smoke pole. Like it just made me laugh. They don’t even know have the vocabulary.
David:
Like, and that means something very different to Gavin and I than it does to them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Correct. And maybe one day. And maybe, you know, maybe one day.
David:
If we’re lucky, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
I’ll send them your way if they have questions about that.
David:
Gavin, what is our uh list for next week?
Gavin:
So somebody has swooped in, a fairy godmother has swooped in taking your kids away for three days. What are you gonna do?
David:
Oh, that’s a good one. That’s a good one. I’m excited for that. Um, Sloane, I hate to let you go, but we have to let you go. And this has been so much fun. And I just want to say, as somebody who worked with you for five seconds, like, I don’t know, in our entire lives, like I knew immediately that even though we didn’t get a chance to be like besties, I was like, this girl is in my pocket. Like, she, I there’s just an immediate. You were so when when we worked together, you were so great. You were so um uh talented and good at what you were doing, which is being this associocoreographer, but you were so lovely and so approachable, and everyone, and all the gossip, you know, everyone’s gossiping was just like a hundred percent loving you, and I loved you so much, and I’m so glad we have reconnected because this is so fun. Same. Let’s do this a hundred more times.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, I’m so thrilled. You guys, thank you for having me. It’s a real honor, and I loved talking to you both.
Gavin:
So something great happened this week. Let me tell you about it. My older kid is a voracious reader. I am uh very proud to say that she she cranked through those Harry Potters during COVID, and uh I read the first one. I think I’ve read the first one probably uh four or five three or four times. And um I was trying to get my younger kid to read. I I read to him at night, and I was trying to pull out some classics, thinking like maybe you don’t have to read this later. So I was reading Tom Sawyer to him. It’s she’s hard.
David:
I mean she’s she’s hard, and she’s problematic, but she’s hard. She’s hard to read.
Gavin:
She is problematic. We but uh the main thing is is I mean, it is Mark Twain writing in the 1870s. Like it is it’s hard to find it. And it’s written in the accent, right? Yeah, and there’s accents, yes. We hadn’t gotten very deep into the book. Um we had not met um, you know, uh racial issues yet. But anyway, I was reading it and I was like, oh my god, this is hard for me to understand, frankly. And I know that I read this when I was in elementary school because my mom forced me to. And I’m thinking, like, why am I gonna f the you know, repeating the mistakes of your past, although I think it’s a good thing to at some point have read, you know, Tom Sawyer, more importantly, Huckleberry fan. Anyway, point being, I turned to my kid and I’m like, should we just go back to Harry Potter? And he said, Yes. So we are back on Harry Potter. We started with the second book because he’s read the first one, you know, or at least heard the first one several times. And um, I uh one night he said, I don’t want you to stop yet. And I’m like, I’ve already been reading for 15 minutes, how about you give it a try? And lo and behold, he picked up that book. And he’s a good reader, but he’s not a voracious, I’m gonna read through the chapters, books with zero pictures. And suddenly now my kid is reading Harry Potter on his own. And that feels really good.
David:
That’s amazing. That’s great. Um, I love Harry Potter so much. And and listen, I know there’s problematic issues with JK at the moment, but also the f the what it did for kids reading is awesome. Like for me, I remember it was I was in like I can’t remember if it was late high school, early college, where the the book started becoming really popular. Sure. I was one of those people who was waiting outside the Barnes and Noble for the first copy. And I hated reading. I fucking I know, I’m I’m a total loser. Um, so my something great this week is a little sillier as normal. Um, so if you use um ways to get around, which I do, um I I think I feel like most people are either a Google Maps person or a Waze person. I am a Waze person, but Waze has a variety of voices you can use. I don’t know if you know that. They have a lot of silly ones. I found you can choose boy band as your voice.
Gavin:
What does that sound like?
David:
So it sounds like it’s it’s so hard to describe, but it’s like if there’s like it is if the report is police reported ahead, it’ll go police reported ahead. That’s awesome. Everything is like sung in this like really obnoxious early 2000s voice. Oh, and I love it. That’s awesome. I love it so much. So I am permanently on Waze Boy Band, and anytime there’s anything, I have this terrible AI boy band screaming in my face, and I absolutely love it.
Gavin:
17 people just got in a car accident.
David:
People lost their family. And that is our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM Vaughn everywhere, and Gavin is at Gavin Lodge most places.
David:
Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcast.
Gavin:
Thanks, and we’ll see you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.