Full Transcript
And that’s our show.
David:
Oh no, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, something great is later. Whoops. Oh, Gabe. Shit, sorry.
Gavin:
And this is Gatriarchs. So for the last week, I have been a single dad. And what happened? It is uh My partner’s away on work and uh he got to escape. He gets he got to fly the coop. And um I have to say, I, you know, it’s these times that you are reminded um that there are all different ways of being a parent, and what’s most comfortable to you is probably what you’re in. And I it’s these times though that I just so admire single parents and um I say, hats off. It’s amazing what you do. Um and I am fortunate that I have my family unit together and I would rather not be uh single. But at the same time, like the yesterday, my daughter said to me, Are you so excited to sleep alone in your bed? And I’m like, Well, I really miss Tati a lot. But hell yeah, I’m excited about sleeping in bed alone.
David:
Oh yes.
Gavin:
I’m gonna sleep like a starfish. And yep, absolutely. Or at least I have the option of sleeping like a starfish, although I feel like I have still been relegated to the six inches of my bed that I actually sleep on. But, you know, but also things are just kind of easier because I’m the boss and there’s no miscommunication and there’s no unspoken assumptions, and also there are fewer towels and underwear left on the floor that I leave passive aggressively to say, hey, I’m not gonna pick up after you. And it’s kind of easier, frankly.
David:
But you know what? It’s it’s also a good test because when you get to do it by yourself, you get to kind of prove to yourself if the things that you wish you were doing normally are better or are worse. Because some of them, like you’re saying, you’re like, you know what, it’s easier if we just do it dad’s way. And then sometimes you’re like, oh yeah, yeah, no, we definitely were definitely doing it the wrong way.
Gavin:
Oh, there’s been a lot of it. It’s everything would just be easier if the world, if my family and the world would work the way I want it to. For sure. For sure.
David:
So I have a very close friend who um was over the other day and they were talking about um the the egg donor for so both my kids have the same egg donor, different, uh one of them is my DNA and one of them is uh my husband’s DNA. So they’re both genetically related by the the egg donor. And he was we were talking about that um because they they’re starting to look alike right now. And he was saying, Oh, well, do do they have the same mom? And you could see his brain kind of go like short circuit a little bit. And I said, Yeah, they have the same egg donor. And he was immediately like, Oh, oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, and I was like, you know, you didn’t offend me. Yeah, and it reminded me that the words we use in in gay parenting, but also like just surrogacy and IVF and all these things are complicated, or people who don’t know a lot about them can feel like they trip up on things. And I always tell people, I’m like, you’re allowed to say the wrong thing. I you’re allowed to ask me questions about what things are. Like, that’s not offensive to me. So I thought maybe we spend just a couple minutes really quick going through I feel like the most common terms that are heard in surrogacy and gay daddy, just to get them out there. And anybody who’s listening who Yeah. So um the first one is is surrogate. So I think a lot of people know what generally that means is somebody, you know, somebody carrying a child that’s maybe not theirs. So in general, there’s two kinds of surrogates there’s a gestational surrogate and a traditional surrogate. Now, a traditional surrogate is somebody who gets pregnant themselves with their own egg and they give birth, and then that baby is somebody else’s, right? Um and then there’s what’s called a gestational surrogate, which is I think more common in the gay community, which is where an embryo is created in a lab. It’s outside the body. They have an egg donor, they have the sperm donor, it’s usually one of the dads. They create an embryo in the lab, and then that embryo is then transferred into a gestational surrogate. So, like the terrible way of saying that is like the gestational surrogate is the oven, but is not the bun. They’re not related to the bun at all.
Gavin:
Yeah, we did that, and I always try to explain to people there were three parties in making the kids. And we’ve said to the kids also, you there were three parts, and that um, no, um, Cheryl, our phenomenal gestational surrogate is not the mom, and they know that. There was an egg donor, and then it um dad’s daddy and tatty. We also did the same thing that you did. And um, and then there was the the third party that um where the kids cooked. And um yeah, three parties.
David:
And something total side note, something I learned um during our second surrogacy. We had two different surrogates. Our first surrogate was uh my incredible uh sister-in-law, and then our second surrogate was somebody we had met in one of the matching groups, and one of the things I learned, I had always assumed, well, you’re not genetically related to the child, so the kind of idea of like you having an influence on them are is kind of removed in a way. Yeah, and then I did some research on our second surrogacy because there was a a thing that came up, and I and it was really interesting, it was saying that there is influence in the gestational surrogate to the embryo because you know you have all these genetic uh like on and off switches in your DNA, right? And science doesn’t exactly know why certain things are switched on and off and and a variety of reasons. And they were saying the the gestational surrogate can have an influence on which things are turned on and turned off. So, in a way, there is this beautiful kind of influence that your surrogate has on your child, even though it’s not a DNA or kind of biological influence. There’s a there’s this like kind of mystery magical vibe. And I just thought our our second surrogate was was very much in that kind of like beautiful artistic headspace, and it was a kind of a cool thing to know. It’s like, oh, there is a kind of connection there.
Gavin:
Yeah, how could there not be a connection? And I would imagine that there’s absolutely like there’s an exchange of fluids and there’s an exchange of endorphins and feelings, and there’s no doubt that I mean the human body and pregnancy is absolutely a miracle. I mean, if you want to get religious about it, you can. It’s just like it is an unit’s an unbelievable thing that any of us are actually here.
David:
But there’s definitely a lot that I I purposely excluded the like relationship part of it, right? Like the relate the the experience you have with your gestational surrogate is an incredible, full of love. There’s a lot, it’s it’s it’s a beautiful thing. I was just talking about like the D like the biological components are are I was surprised there is an influence. Anyway, yes, so you’ll hear gestational surrogate or surrogate used a lot, or sometimes GS. Um, I say that a lot. Um, so that’s what that means. So the next one I want to say is egg donor, just because my friend tripped up on this. So it gets a little weird because when you think about like who’s the mom, it this is why the terms get very strange, but I feel like a lot of us in the gay parenting world, we call it the egg donor. So the egg donor, oh, you have the egg donor had blonde hair, you have blonde hair. It’s not the mom, right? There is no mom, right? But also, I get why you’re thinking that, right? Because the mom usually has the egg that gives the birth, and it’s just not that way. So we often say, like, yo, yeah, you guys have the same egg donor, and she had, you know, kind of dark red hair and whatever. Um uh and then IVF, which is not, I think most people know, but just a reminder is like in vitro fertilization, it is a scientific process of kind of manipulating sperm and eggs and putting them together in a lab. Uh, and an embryologist creates these embryos and then they’re transferred into the surrogate. So that that whole process and is like the umbrella of that is IVF, which I feel like a lot of people. Thank you. A lot of people know pretty well. And I just said embryologists. So, you know, the embryologist is the one who is sorting the sperm and the eggs and grading the eggs, and then creating these embryos, um, which are not babies. We won’t get into that, but um, these embryos in the lab and then grading the embryos themselves. So uh embryos have a lot of uh different kinds of rating systems and stuff. Um, but the embryo and the embryologist, that’s that kind of part of the process. And then we and then uh uh transfer. This is the one I always trip up. So transfer is when you take the embryo from the lab and you put it in the gestational circuit, you transfer it. But it’s it gets a little weird because we all know what I’m saying, and so it’s like, oh, is that when you put in the when they get the we call it transfer, it’s a much nicer word to say. That’s when you get knocked up, yes. That’s when you get knocked up. And we’ve listened I’ve I’ve gotten transferred a couple times in college and it was great, but um, that is the process of like bringing the embryo into the surrogate, but it is exactly what we’re saying, right? It’s a it’s a it’s a it’s a thing. It takes three seconds. I have this amazing photo. I hope she allows me to say this on on the podcast. You’re not allowed to take photos, videos, or anything when you’re kind of like in the space. Um, because we we were remote when we had our first transfer, and my amazing sister-in-law Erin was like, I’m gonna take some sneaky photos. And there’s a photo from her point of view, her legs splayed up in the air, and a doctor just like like head first down in there, and she just wanted to take a picture of the moment of transfer. And it’s so. Oh, she did it, absolutely. Oh my god, it’s one of my favorite photos ever because it’s just like there’s no, I mean there’s no nudity, but it is like we know what’s happening here, and there’s there’s a weird magical component of like this is when you got pregnant.
Gavin:
Can I divert with the transfer? I have a transfer story in our surrogacy process. It was uh remote also, and the day that there was the transfer was supposed to take place, uh my our embryologist calls me and he says, uh, so we had a little bit of a hiccup. And I’m like, uh-oh. Uh not what I want to hear on transfer day. And he goes, So uh your your surrogate carrier um was ready. Um, I assume, like, you know, not exactly legs in air, but was ready. And the um egg donor was there. I assume the way I imagine it is they were in two different rooms practically adjoining. So we were doing a fresh transfer. Embryologist calls me, we have a bit of a hiccup. Everything’s ready to go, but we can’t find your sperm.
David:
And I’m like, I’m sorry, what? You’re like, have you checked the bathroom cells at Port Authority? Because you can find it all there.
Gavin:
There could be there could be there could be jizz scraped off of oh so many different places in New York City, frankly, or across the country or across the world. And you’re telling me that when I jerked off into a Dixie cup at your facility, like, are you telling me that the nurse walked in to the the the the lab, looked in the freezer, and was like, hey, anybody seen Gavin Lodge’s sperm? It was gone. Why does this icing taste so funny? And where is Gaben sperm? And uh so that that was a little hiccup in our process, and we had to uh do another cycle and uh jerk up into a Dixie cup yet again.
David:
We’re gonna have to do uh we’ll do an episode on just the the embryo creation process from our point of view because it is a it is a kind of weird, wild, we’ll we’ll we’ll do a surrogacy journey kind of uh episode in the future. Um, but the last three uh the terms I just want to go through really quickly, and these are all very kind of basic ones, but I I just want to make sure because I think I I I don’t want people to ever feel like they can’t ask questions or they’re afraid to talk about things because they don’t know the terms. So the other thing is kind of in the more adoptive world. So there’s biological parent, um, uh, which is usually when you’re talking about adoption, or I guess sometimes surrogacy, where you’re talking about who’s genet who’s half the genetic makeup of that person, right? So like I am the biological dad of my son. Um and so biological parent is often used in um uh adoption as well, like, well, who is the bio parent for, you know, if you’re looking for health history or whatever. Um, also birth mother is another one where I feel like that is usually in the adoptive community, right? Because I would never call our surrogate our birth mother. Um but a birth mother and adoptive that it makes a little more sense. Um and the last one is a little more narrow. We talked a little bit about this on episode two with Beth, is second parent adoption. So sometimes, depending on your the state you live in, you need to get what’s called a second parent adoption. If you are not the biological parent of one of your kids, getting a second parent adoption is one of those like legal things that helps you in the future if your parentage ever comes into play. And it’s where the non-biological parent, usually of a gay couple or or somebody who can’t be a biological parent, uh officially adopts that child in a way to where they become a little more of an ironclad parent. Um and it’s an unfortunate hoop that is recommended to a lot of people when they’re doing IVF, um and they’re not maybe biologically related to that particular child. So I just wanted to quickly go through those for anybody who maybe is like, oh God, um, because we throw them around a lot, especially on this podcast. Um if you ever have any other questions about certain words or certain terms, um, please email us at gatechrxpodcast at gmail.com. We’d love to talk about it. But I never want, especially my close friends, but anybody out there to feel weird or feel like they can’t ask questions because they don’t know what the fuck we’re talking about, or they don’t want to say the wrong thing. If you say the mother and you meant egg donor, that’s okay. Like it’s totally fine. All right, so let’s move to our top three list. This week is your list, Gavin. What is on the top three list this week?
Gavin:
If you had three days without your kids at home, what would you do with your time? Now, immediately, I think number three for me is I would be immediately be planning vacations that I could take without my kids to just be able to do something that focuses on not having kids for a little while. So you’d spend three days planning a future vacation. I mean, I would waste so much time uh just surfing nonsense. And one of those things is looking at kayak and just dreaming about future vacations. So honestly, number three is absolutely that. Number two is yes, I would love to be nerdy and just lay around and read books again and take naps when I want to take naps and and whatnot. So number two is just laying around and okay, feeding my mind, admittedly, because uh I feel like I’ve lost an awful lot of brain cells. And number one is um I would absolutely get on a plane, fly somewhere and um stay there for a day, probably Mexico, lay on a beach for a day and fly back. And it would feel like it would feel like a two-week vacation, frankly. Because even being on an airplane, as we have established, being on an airplane, I don’t care if it’s going to Peoria or Peru. If I don’t have kids with me, it feels like a complete getaway.
David:
It’s a vacation. I watched Banshees Um of Inashiren on a plane recently because it’s I haven’t watched any movies in years because you can’t, but when you’re on a plane, you can, and it’s amazing. Absolutely.
Gavin:
It’s a spa getaway. So number one for me would just be get on a plane and go, frankly, anywhere, maybe hopefully a beach, warm place.
David:
What about you? That’s amazing. So, all right, so number three for me is I would go to a theme park and spend a couple days there. Because I love roller coasters, I love the whole theme park experience. Like, I’m a Disney girl. Like, put me in Universal Studios, whatever, but like I don’t want they’re my kids are not old enough yet, so I don’t want them dragging me down. I want to move, move, move. I got my pass pass. Let’s move, move, move. So in third place, I would have theme park and go there and stay and do it right, especially her. Hilarious. Um, uh, number two, um, I’d go to the nude beach for a weekend. Yeah, I would do my husband and I, we’d we’d go to some like I want it to be not totally perverted nude beach, but I don’t want it to be a classy nude beach. I want like uh like a 60% gross nude beach. Do you know what I mean? Where there’s like because you feel extra hot at a 60% gross um nude beach. You are the hottest piece of trade on that beach. Yeah, so yeah, number two, go to the nude beach. And number one, and this may be the daddest thing I’ve ever said. If I had three days at home without my kids, I want to clean my attic. I want to go up into the attic and take everything out. I want to redo all the floors, I want to fix everything, I want to put stuff back in the attic in labeled organized bins. I want to redo my attic. That is which is number one. That’s over nude beach, that’s over going to Harry Potter World. That is how daddy I am right now. That is that is the daddiest of daddy things, not in the zaddy kind of way, but I totally understand. Yeah. So, all right, so next week, our top three list are good. It’s gonna be, I don’t know if you can remember these, but you’re gonna have to. Top three kids’ books to read before bed. Oh, okay. And it can be, I know, show up. All right, listen, you just talked about reading. It can be top three like kid kid, like you know, I have a two-year-old I’m reading them before bed, or it can be, you know, I know you you’re doing Harry Potter with your son right now. So top three books to read your kid before bed.
Gavin:
Love it. So our next guest is what I would like to say, a self-made influencer in so very many genres. He’s a leader in New York City’s wedding planning community. He’s a champion of women, he’s a champion of the Latino community, and he is certainly a champion of the gay community, not to mention kinda hot. Jose Rolone, thank you for joining us. Also known as the at NYC Gay Dad. Uh, thanks for joining us.
SPEAKER_02:
Welcome, Jose. You you were doing so great on that intro, except for that last bit. I uh thank you.
David:
I think he was talking about me in that last part. You confused the two, Gabon. Make sure you know who you’re talking to.
Gavin:
Okay, so Jose, welcome and tell us um, how were your kids’ assholes today? Today, let’s see. Well, one is home.
SPEAKER_02:
So hi, sorry. Uh wasn’t wasn’t feeling well. Uh so there’s that. So there’s already a cramp in my style to getting the things that I need to get done today. So I’d say, I’d say one out of three. Like, how dare she get sick? What a disaster she is.
Gavin:
Yep, definitely understood. Um, it is so frustrating when you just think you hear the kids say, uh, my stomach hurts. And you I personally am like, well, sweetie, and she definitely knows that I always go this route. Well, sweetie, you’re not gonna just sit home all day and watch TV. So, you know, you can lay in bed and read books for as long as you want. Of course, I give in by noon, but um, but I try to make staying home as miserable as possible.
David:
That’s really smart. I just go, hey, I pay strangers to watch you, so you gotta go there. I pay strangers to to to to raise raise you. So good luck.
SPEAKER_02:
I’m a bit old school, so like, you know, if if her fever wasn’t as high as it was, I’d like to get dressed, get your butt to school. I don’t care what’s going on, if you’re not feeling well, just deal with it. Uh now it’s like any any little thing they want to like send your kids home. Like they they have a little cough or a sneeze, you know, it’s ridiculous.
Gavin:
Jose, um, I’m so curious. You have had so many very, many varied elements of your life. And um, but one thing I want to jump into right now is well, dare I say, love and sex. Only because it’s been so interesting. It’s only it’s been so interesting to watch you for years now, um, where you have really put your romantic life out there um for everybody to uh learn from. I mean, I uh I feel like it’s you’re a very genuine um social media maven. So, but you’re in a s a new situation right now. Can you update us and tell us about it?
David:
Relationship.
Gavin:
As the kids say.
SPEAKER_02:
It is, right? So I would say you know, we’re we’re coming up on the 10 year anniversary of when Tim passed away, right? And my my late husband. And so in the last 10 years, I’ve been in two disastrous relationships. One, I I I’m not even sure how much I can I can well one was a substance issue, so that was a disaster.
David:
And then nobody listens to this podcast, Jose, spill it.
SPEAKER_02:
It’s you gotta pretty much and and the other just, I mean, like literally got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and just was not just went really off the deep end. And that actually, to be honest, that one took me out for quite some time of dating because I was like, what the fuck is like, you know, what is happening out there, and what you know, what can you trust? And um, and then I did have like one little small stint with this guy who’s doing long distance in Canada during the pandemic because what the hell was the difference between talking to a guy in Canada and a guy around the corner you couldn’t see? Um and H HBO did capture that um in this show for diaries. Yeah, so that’s out there now. But um I’m like three times a charm. I am, you know, this is the third guy I’m with officially committed to in the last 10 years. His name is Thomas. He’s an English, a middle school English teacher. He’s you know, interviewing for a principal position. He’s 45, which is perfect. I’m 47. He’s a family man, he’s a bit on the shy side. He doesn’t like a lot of attention, which is perfect for me because there wouldn’t be enough air in the room for both of us if that was the case. Um and my children, most importantly, my children are really obsessed with him and love him and get bummed out if he’s not coming around to hang out. So it’s been great. And of course, you know, the sex has been fantastic too.
Gavin:
Glad to hear it. Glad to hear it. It’s there is life, uh, there is a sex life out there after having kids um under any circumstances. Um, so what was the order that you introduced Tom to your social network and or to your kids? And how how did you both navigate that? Because I imagine it didn’t just happen without some thought.
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah, so we started out in a neutral place, right? So we about, I don’t know, what was it, like a month in or something like that? Because we we we got close pretty quickly. Oh, by the way, sorry, we met, we connected in March 2020 on Hinge. Uh so we were already chatting and connecting, texting, but it was March 2020. So the pandemic actually veered us in different directions, and we reconnected around the holidays, and so um three years later. So that that’s we we already had a a bit of a pass there. Um so about a month in, we went rock climbing or what do they call it, boulder climbing, and so bought my kids there, and they had the best time, and Thomas was showing them how to you know do all the things. Um and then what was interesting is when I was ready to ask him to be my boyfriend, um first Lila was like, I’m totally down, I love him, great. My son was like, Yeah, I think he’s cool. And then London was like, the one who’s here sick, was like, uh, don’t you think it’s a little soon? What are you a lesbian? And like, right? Like, you know, what’s like what’s happening? But you know, I actually had a lot of respect for her because she wasn’t being my yes girl. She was like, wait a minute, how long have you known this guy? She’s like eight years old, but she’s already you need somebody to check your shit for sure. To check my shit, and so it ends up being no joke for like a week, week and a half, where Avery and Lila were campaigning, uh, trying to convince London uh why he’s a good fit. And eventually she came around and then I asked him to be my boyfriend in front of them with their permission and the rest is history.
David:
Fantastic.
SPEAKER_02:
That’s adorable.
Gavin:
That’s great. And then I missed a social media announcement about it, though. But did you plan that in advance too, or did he just slip into your slip into your DMs?
SPEAKER_02:
Honestly, it was it was it ended up being a coincidence. I merged it with a campaign that we got asked to do for um Ashton Kutcher and Reese Witherspoon released a movie called Your Place or Mine. And they reached out to us to try to do a campaign on someone we have a crush on. And so I thought this was a perfect moment to merge that with asking them on camera, asking him to be my boyfriend. And so we uh we we did it that way, and so that’s how we actually announced it on social media is through an actual campaign. Um and yeah, and then slowly I’ve been you know introducing parts of him like going to the gym. He loves going to the gym, and I’m horrible at the gym.
David:
Um but excellent in the steam room, I hear. Like that’s that’s that’s where you really shine, bro. Yeah, that’s where you shine.
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah, he’ll go to the gym for about an hour. He’ll he’ll go to the gym for about an hour and work out for 10 minutes, and then the rest is can I can I sidestep us a little bit to your wedding planning life?
David:
Because I have I have so I know I have not unfortunately watched your show with um Olympic icon, Tara Lepensky. However, I have a bone to pick. Is that what you say? A bone to pick? I mean it depends on Tara Lepenski. So listen to this, listen to this story. When I was a Wii lad, I was a competitive Paris figure skater. You’re welcome, yes, I am a homosexual. And at some event, I cannot even remember which it was like junior Olympics or like junior nationals. It was like one of those like just below the whatevers. There was like an opening night party for all the all the competitors, and Tara was there, and she was already making a name for herself, so everyone was like, shh, tara, tara, tara, tara. And we were all dancing, and we’re we’re talking like 15-year-olds dancing in a club together, like it’s just chaos, right? Um, and at some point I bumped into Tara, and she kind of turned around and gave me like a like, why are you bumping into me face? And I’ve held it against her for 25 years. I’ve never met her. I bumped into her, it’s my fault. But I every time I see her on TV, I’m like, how dare she look at me that way? So I want you to make, I want to make sure that you let her know that at one point 20 plus years ago, she bumped into a stranger and he holds it against her. But I love her actually. She’s hilarious and great, and I love her.
SPEAKER_02:
Talk about a gay icon now, I would say. You know, I remember the last time I spoke with Tara on set. She was like, You don’t know David Vaughn, do you?
David:
Like, he That motherfucker bumped into me when he was 15 and still straight.
SPEAKER_02:
And it’s amazing how you both literally have said, I’ve got a bone to pick with.
David:
I literally I wake up in the morning thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it, and think that’s honestly why you’re here, is we need to talk about the Tara Lepinski thing.
SPEAKER_02:
She t Tara Lepinski’s actually asked me if I knew how to do it, if if I was really into like voodoo or Santa, like some Santaria stuff to try to ward off these evil spirits of David Vaughn.
David:
Oh my god. Uh many people have tried, nobody’s uh been successful yet.
Gavin:
So how has um so it is pretty amazing that you’ve been able to balance so many things, not to mention, of course, first and foremost, your fatherhood, your dating life, your social media feed, but also wedding planning still. What is uh how has wedding planning changed over, well, dare I say, you know, since the aftertimes here, since um COVID? How has um that business been for you?
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah, I I think I think the wedding industry has been so out of out of whack lately. So in the last, you know, I’ve been doing this for 12 years, been in my own business for 10, um, coming up on the 10-year anniversary of that. Um and, you know, the difference between then and now is before you used to manage four or five vendors, you had the caterer, the photographer, videographer, and and entertainment. Now you’re managing between 12 and 24 vendors because we live in this social media driven world where everybody wants all the things. So sometimes it’s like four different rental companies and this and that, right? And so pre-COVID, post-COVID, pre-COVID, um, we were, you know, it was very uh chaotic, wonderful, beautiful, colorful industry. But post-COVID, everything is up like 30%. Um, so you know, living in New York City where things are so expensive to begin with, I think people in the industry have been freaked out about losing, they’re trying to make up for lost revenue for the last few years, right? I mean, it, you know, I never mind the the, you know, the what do they call it, the supply and demand issue. Um there I think that things are considerably expensive. So when couples come up to me and they’re like, we only have 30,000 for their wedding, I’m like, well, well, that first of all, that’s my fee. I can’t I can’t take that away from you. That’s horrible. Um, but like I can’t take on now, post-COVID, I can’t take on any couples that have less than 150K for their wedding because you know it’s like New York real estate. Even with if a couple came to me and said they have a hundred thousand for their budget, it’s like New York real estate. It tells me you can have a DJ because I could get one for$3,500, but you can’t get a ban because they start at$30,000, right? And so um, it’s just a really different world right now, and uh it’s unpredictable. Our couples, I would say, most of the time I attract really incredible couples, and I still do in your business. In your business. In my business, in my business.
David:
Okay, just making sure we’re clear. Yeah. I was that asshole who you probably ran into a hundred times, which was when we were getting married. I was like, I’m not gonna fall for this wedding industrial complex bullshit. I’m gonna do this myself. I did the journey, I did like the like green, like I did everything wrong that everyone does the first time, where I was like, I’m gonna get my own rental, I’m gonna rent my own space, I’m gonna do all that stuff. And about a month and a half into it, I said, guess what? We’re not doing this. This is fucking chaos. And we did one of the, we didn’t hire a wedding planner, but we kind of did. We hired one of those like big kind of boats that travel around Manhattan that are like all it’s all done for you. There’s nothing to do. Like, you bring your DJ, you bring your photographer. If you want to decorate, great, but like basically it’s all done for you. And I was like, oh, I going up now after having been married, I’m like, oh, I see the value there, either in a wedding planner or in an all-inclusive kind of a deal. Because me, nickel, and diming, like, well, I can get a rental company for 5,000 less than this, was such it was gonna, and then I didn’t even think about cleaning up afterwards. I was like, wait, after the wedding, now I gotta put all this shit back. No, thank you.
SPEAKER_02:
Well, I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna challenge you on that because I specialize normally in raw spaces, and there’s this uh there’s this misconception about, you know, let’s do an all-inclusive so you don’t have to the problem with a lot of these all-inclusive places is that you are locked into what they have. So for example, I’m gonna give you an example of like the rainbow room, right? We do weddings at the rainbow room, and it costs a certain amount, but guess what? Their lighting package starts at 18k, and you have no choice but to use them because they’re exclusive. Or if you pick a venue, like some hotel, and you’re locked into their food, it’s like the food can suck, and you have no option to bring your own caterers. And that’s why you need a planner because a planner will negotiate on your behalf. You don’t deal with all that shit that you had to deal with.
David:
Wait, can I tell you just a side story? You’re talking about the rainbow room. I got hired, I don’t know how this happened, but a gay couple was getting married at that place in Grand Central. I think it’s called the apartment or something. It’s like this like hidden little like bar thing or whatever. And they hired me and another guy because they wanted two Broadway singers to sing for good from Wicked. And I still to this day think, what was that? Like, I sang at this gay wedding in Grand Central singing a song from Wicked, written for two women, by the way.
Gavin:
You didn’t know them at all? You were just I knew nobody.
David:
They had hired a live band, and the guy who was the like musical director of the band knew me from college, and he was like, Were you on Broadway? I was like, Yeah, he’s like, Oh, this guy’s looking for two Broadway singers to sing Wicked. I was like, I’m in.
SPEAKER_02:
I thought, I thought, I thought, I thought you were about to tell me that you had beef with the Rainbow Room. I’m like, who do you not have beef with?
David:
I got beef with everyone. I got beef with everyone on this call. I got beef with everyone.
Gavin:
So, Jose, speaking of beef, if you ever get married, will your wedding absolutely kick ass? Or are you gonna be like, nope, let’s go to Vegas and just uh do one and done?
SPEAKER_02:
Well, it’s more like when I get married, not if. I am clear that I am ready to get married again. Uh I is it gonna be big? You know, it’s interesting, most people in the wedding industry end up having small, intimate weddings and elopements because we don’t have the budgets that our clients have. Uh so that’s like this big misconception, right? Um, but I, you know, I do want to have a big big baller party. I I I love a good party, so I will make sure I go big on this. And listen, I have been fortunate to give a lot of vendors a lot of money over the years. Um, there’s one cater where I’ve given her over$2 million worth of work. And so when it’s my time, I expect my amazing vendors to show up and give me uh hook a brother up.
Gavin:
Well, you definitely there’s an awful lot of videos of you online dancing, and I think that that is one of the most appealing things about you is that you definitely love to get down. And so I would imagine that the party will have a lot of get down, get down. The dance floor is like my happy place.
SPEAKER_02:
And if you ever see me on the dance floor, and if you ever see somebody starting to come talk to me, you’re gonna see what people have called a slide out because I don’t want to talk. I I didn’t know that I did this until a couple of friends like clocked me on this. They’re like, Do you know when somebody starts talking to you on the dance floor about business, you have this very specific move slide out thing? I’m like, Yeah, I like don’t talk to me on the dance floor. I don’t want to talk business. It’s kind of why I’m on the dance floor, it’s my happy place.
Gavin:
And do you attend most of the weddings that you that you plan and close out on the dance floor?
SPEAKER_02:
Every single wedding, I’m there in person. I’m not a control freak in the planning process, but I am on the day of. So I show up 30 minutes before the first vendor does, and I’m hopefully the last one in that couple gives a hug to. And sometimes, yeah, the brides will or grooms will drag me on the dance floor and I’ll I’ll get down with them if they want me to.
David:
I will say that was my that was the thing I appreciated the most out of our guy who kind of ran, I guess he was theoretically our wedding planner, but who ran the day was that like the day of was just the like the boss. He was just and and he didn’t even ask us, like, do you want me to get you a plate of food? He just showed up with a plate of food. He’s like, Eat now because you’re not gonna get to eat it. Like, he was so in control of the evening. A director. I I I so appreciated it because you know, when you get married, you are the star, but it is exhausting because people are constantly showering you with love, which is wonderful, but you just get overwhelmed. You don’t you so badly need somebody to grab your forearm and go, we’re going upstairs now. And and and that I I really appreciated that about him. Exactly right.
Gavin:
Yeah. So bringing it back to the little assholes who ruin all of our lives and we love every second of it. Something that I find super interesting about you, uh Jose, and in your parenting journey is that you do a really phenomenal job of incorporating your kids into the decisions you make, the activities you have, et cetera, et cetera, and embracing all that is the your gay superpowers. And I was joking with David earlier that I thought it’s almost like Jose brings a homo normative vibe to his social media feed, but also his family, where um I would like to think that we all embrace our own awesomeness, but I think that you do a really great job of embracing your awesomeness with the kids alongside, and you don’t shy away from daddy wanting love, seeking love, wanting pleasure, seeking pleasure, living his own life outside of being a parent. And has that ever been something that you had to consciously think of or step back from or dial up or dial down?
SPEAKER_02:
Um, well, uh that’s that’s a good, a great question. So I think that for me, as well, what’s interesting is I because I’ve been a single dad for so long, it’s not like I have somebody, it’s not like I have my counterpart to make decisions with or to figure things out with. So sometimes I just have to do it live with my children. And I’ve never been the type of parent who has been like, you know, whenever I hear people say, Oh, I never my parents never argued in front of me, or I never heard them have disagreements, sort of like not in front of the children thing. I disagree. I think it’s actually really healthy if your kids actually do see some arguments happen as long as there’s a respectful resolve. And I think that when it comes to the social issues, it it’s kind of like as as young as one can remember, why wouldn’t you um educate them? That’s age appropriate, whether if it’s you know, during the pandemic, we were in the middle of Black Lives Matter and they were only like five, six years old. And um and you know, there was a way to talk to them about that. Um, and same thing with LGBTQ issues, same thing now, as they’re like nine and eight. I’m I’m very direct with them uh in a way that they understand. And I think they’ve become these little beautiful, wonderful humans in their schools that really stand up for people that feel less than, um, and they’re super welcoming to any new kids that come in. And I think that’s in part of how we kind of handle things at home, and they’ve seen you know all the different injustices and all that stuff. So yeah, I’m pretty honest and and direct with my kids as much as it makes sense.
David:
But I think going with what Gavin is saying about the homonormative stuff that’s so appealing to your social media, because you’re not the only gay parent who is kind of in the social media sphere, but what is uniquely you, I think, is that you don’t shy away from that. But I think part of the reason that we as maybe gay parents of a certain age feel that is because this world is relatively new. And one of the things that I feel like we do as joining a new world is we try to assimilate at first and be like, no, no, no, we’re just like you. We just do all the things exactly like you. Please let us in the parenting club. And then the truth is it’s not all the exact same, right? So you not shying away from that is a is a gorgeous new step in the gay parenting world where we get to be authentically us, which can be different from straight parenting. And I think the world needs to see that next because I think it is it’s easy to see the the cam and mitch of it all. But then if you uh going to the authentic place of like, I am a dad, but I also am a gay dad who has sex and is attracted to people and who gets in arguments with you know, all of the uh the texture that other parents get to have, we we are starting to kind of break that ground, which I think is really nice. And it’s what I think what is so attractive about your social media in particular.
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, you know, when I when I remember when Avery was first born, and I remember going to the park, and I saw a group of moms that were, you know, uh standing, standing in the middle of the park, but there was like a bench that was next to them. And I sort of was slowly sliding closer to them because I wanted to be part of this like new. Parent mom group. And as I’m like sliding closer, I hear, you know, there was like I think three or four of them. And one of them was like, Oh my god, do you know that my kids know how to do the ABCs and they’re only X amount of age? And then the next one is like, Oh my god, my knows how to do it in Mandarin. And then the other one was like, you know, and and it was like it was this thing of one upping in this one circle. And I’m like, oh, this is so gross, right? And then I ended up meeting um this one gay dad uh uh in in in this coffee shop who ended up introducing me to other gay dads, and then we sort of built this community, and it is so much better to hang out with gay dads and straight parents, especially the straight parents. This is why we started this podcast, yes. Oh my gosh, because we we go into a bar and we don’t talk about our fucking kids, we don’t talk about unless there’s something serious, you know. Other than that, we are drinking, we are talking about sex, we are we are checking out all the men, you know. Quarterly, we do this thing with other gay dads. It’s called gay dads gone wild, where we pick a neighborhood and we bar hop and we have the best time. Now, granted, we’re all like trashed and wasted and thrown into a lift by 10 p.m., but we’re having like a best time, you know, and it’s not we don’t talk about our kids.
Gavin:
That’s the best of all worlds. That’s great. When somebody does start talking about their kids, do uh does somebody clap at them and lock it down?
SPEAKER_02:
Yes, yes, because it the other thing too, like you know what happens when you’re a parent is you get desexualized, right? Like people think that all of a sudden you can’t talk about sex. And you know, like I I remember going on Grinder and Scruff, and now now it’s a little weird when you know, before I got with Thomas, it was weird going on Grinder and Scruff when I became more public because people were like, oh my god, you’re NYC gay dad, I love your kids. I’m like, I don’t want to talk about my kids. Can you just show me your dick pic? Like, I don’t understand.
David:
Yeah, like yeah, this is not the venue for that. Not the venue for that.
Gavin:
Not not not the venue for it. Do your kids ever um get tired of being uh roped into making videos with you? Do you ever ever have to cajole them or bribe them, or are they pretty gung-ho with uh getting creative with you?
SPEAKER_02:
I think during the pandemic, they there’s really no bribing. I I think during the pandemic they were all game, right? Again, they were like five and six. They would do anything and have fun with it. And then as they’ve gotten older, there’s certain things that they they won’t do. So I try to really meet them where they’re at whenever we get campaigns that come in, or if I you know, a lot of the stuff that we do that’s that’s funny now is so different from the stuff we did a few years ago. And um, you know, and as far as like campaigns, there was one campaign where we were asked to do a dance, and my son Avery did not want to do a dance, and so it sort of hit me in that moment because I’ve been very clear like once they don’t want to do this, they don’t have to. I don’t want to force them to do something they don’t want to do. And so now even my managers know that when brands reach out, they are not um guaranteed that they’re gonna have all four of us. They might have three of us, they might have two of us. It just depends on the campaign. So, um, but they also, you know, in terms of like some bribing, it’s like we have this campaign, they know now for every campaign we do, they get X amount of dollars. Um and and if there’s like a really cool, fun idea that I have that I feel like is gonna take like maybe 30 minutes to film, I’ll be like, all right, so we’ll get a really nice treat out of it, and they get excited about it.
David:
That’s great. Yeah, you’re like, do you want to live in Manhattan or Queens?
Gavin:
So you’ve got three kids with what seems to me to be three very different personalities, and also some of them seem really, really at ease or show people who are all about being on camera, and sometimes they don’t necessarily. I’m not gonna name drop or anything, but what is their uh what is their approach? And are some of them show kids and some of them not?
SPEAKER_02:
Uh I think I I I think Lila uh is going to be, she’s she’s our little showboat, she’s our little actress, she is game for anything around entertainment. Um but you know, I I feel like I already have a good sense of who they’re gonna be when they’re older. Lila feels maybe a little bit unpredictable, but you know, I feel like Avery’s gonna be the money guy. He’s gonna be writing the checks for all of us. Um, you know, I think that, you know, Lila’s gonna be the wonderful caregiver. And I think London and she’s the one that’s gonna be taking care of me. And then London’s gonna be wondering, oh, like, why the hell either one of them are taking care of me at all? Um, so I think like, you know, they all have their own thing and their own personalities. Um, and but I don’t think I I think maybe one might be sort of in this world of entertainment. I do think that London will be in the service industry. So she she’s my girly girl, and I think that she very much, she can very well possibly take over the wedding planning business.
Gavin:
Oh, all right. Um, so I uh and now I have a little bit of a political question for you. I feel, David, I was actually thinking we need to have a like a politics because I just want to always learn from people and hear what they have to say. Jose, on your website, I was noticing that you talk about being uh very tied into the Latinx community and a big champion there. And Latinx is an interesting term that is sometimes embraced, sometimes not. My own state, Connecticut, super liberal and progressive, has actually had a certain amount of pushback on the word Latinx, and they have I I I’m not exactly I can’t speak too intelligently about what has been going on, but certain groups are like, we don’t want to use the term Latinx anymore. Can you school us a little bit about why you use it and um and what can we all learn going forward about that term and terminology?
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah, so look, even within the Latin community, there’s a lot of debate around this. I would say there’s a lot of people, I I kind of feel like it’s split 50-50, um, where some of the older generation uh do not like the term Latin X. Um but I think, you know, the beauty of Latin X is that the X does encompass everybody.
David:
But is that what they’re uh is that what the older generation is upset about? Is the X which is supposed to mean everyone, or is it the Latin part because that certain people aren’t from Latin America?
SPEAKER_02:
Right. So so you know, because some people identify as Hispanic, some people identify as Latino, some people identify as, you know, and and there there are differences between the two, and that that would involve uh like a separate podcast on that. But I think I think because there’s so many different terms thrown out, I think Latinx sort of became the new thing as a way to sort of be the umbrella term for all um you know Latinx and his for Latinos and Hispanics and for you know native like New York New Yorkers, right? That are Hispanics that have been that are born here. Um and so yeah, I embrace it because I think I feel like I’m sort of like the in-between generation. I think a lot of us are at our age, right? Like, you know, uh like you know, the the the the Gen Xers, the Gen Z, they’re all digital natives. They didn’t know anything before, you know, we were we had we were pre-computers and all that stuff, right? And so, um, for example, in Puerto Rico, uh, it’s like, does it become independent or does it become a a state? And I think we’re slowly starting to tip because the older generation is leaving and the newer people want it to be a state, right? And so I think that Latin X is a very new term, and I think it’s just gonna take a while for people to embrace it. And I think it’s important at my age, especially given what I do as a wedding planner and as a content creator, is to listen to the kids. And I think that’s something that people aren’t doing. They’re they they get really stuck in their own way, and so I don’t mind at 47 years old, you know, using the Latinx term. I think it’s I think it’s acceptable.
David:
I just want to point out that I take a little bit of offense at you saying our age and our generation as if like collective our like you guys are my the you are the people who I look up to. You’re the generation who I’m looking to be inspired by. I am very young.
SPEAKER_02:
You know what? You know what, David? A lot of people may not know that we’re on video right now, and maybe it’s just something wrong with your video. Wow. Pixelated.
David:
That is a body-handed shade that I needed to conclude this interview. Um thank you. Thank you for meeting us where we’re at, which is very low. We are very low. And um, thank you for joining us. You are hilarious and smart and funny, and we were so excited to talk to you. Um, thank you so much. Thanks for having me, guys. All right, so something great. So this week, something great. I was thinking about the shows I watch, like the TV shows, like most of the reality shows, and I realized a common theme, and that’s my something great this week is I love watching other people who are good at something. And what I mean by that is like watching Project Runway, like I have a hero interest in fashion. I wear a gap and whatever, it still fits me from high school. So like I have no idea about fashion, but I love watching that show because I love watching people who are great at something do it. I love watching this stupid glass blowing show on Netflix. I don’t care about glass blowing, but I love watching people do something they’re experts at. So um, this is kind of a generic broad one, but I was just thinking about it this week is like it it’s part partly TikTok shows you a lot of that, but I just love watching people who are experts at something that I know nothing about do that thing.
Gavin:
So my something great is that it’s been a happy household this week, in part because I have been single dad, and it’s not to say that I would prefer to be single dad, but I have absolutely bribed the shit out of my kids to get good attitudes from them and say being yes kids instead of no kids by saying every single morning this morning, I will take you to Dunkin’ Donuts on the way to school. How very New England is that. There’s a Dunkin’ on the way to the school. And um, they have uh definitely met the challenge. And even though I’m a bit poorer in bacon, egg and cheese and Boston creams, it has been a happy household, and that is priceless.
David:
That sounds delicious.
Gavin:
And that’s our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
David:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM Fawn everywhere, and Gaben is at GavinLodge on North. Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcast. Thanks, and we’ll see you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.