Full Transcript
Speaking of things going right, tell us about our what you know what speaking of things going right, you know what is also going right?
David:
Not this podcast. And this is gates reworks. So my daughter is two, and she is now in this phase of like, I don’t know, she acts like a mommy. She’s playing with babies. She’s like, honey, are you okay? Kissing them goodnight. Very, very uh, she’s taken care of. It’s very nice. So um uh we were playing the other day, and my son decided to punch me in the balls, which was, you know, lovely, so fun. Wow, feels great. Well, then before I even know it, my daughter walks over to me and goes, It’s okay, daddy, and kisses my penis.
Gavin:
And all of us taking a sip of my iced coffee, and I thought, this might turn into a spit take.
David:
Anyway, I I okay I literally all of us froze. My my husband and I are like, What? And I was like, Okay, honey, let’s don’t don’t touch anybody’s private. And I was like, these are the stories, guys. These are the stories nobody talks about, but that happens. And I was like, okay, next time daddy gets hurt in his private area, we just ask if he’s okay. We don’t need to kiss him and kiss his boo-boo away.
Gavin:
Okay, so there are many things to unpack here, but first of which, why why did your son punch you in the balls?
David:
Because we were just dancing and playing, and kids like to punch their dads in the balls. I don’t actually remember why, because that was not the marquee topic of that experience for me. And so, anyway, I just thought, you know, I’d I’d I’d share a little bit about my life. Um, but one other thing I want to share about my life, and we’ve talked about this before, but I want to bring it up again because a big one of these happened to me is we talk about these like very not these tiny little moments that become big changes in your life. You know, the last time you feed your baby a bottle, the last time you pick your kid up, you know, these things we talk about.
Gavin:
The it w one of the things that I remember reading about with a baby, and then thought, oh, I’m sure that I will know when this happened, and then it hadn’t, and it’s long past, is the last time you wash your kids’ hair. Yeah. I haven’t washed my kids in years now. Yeah. And I remember reading about that, some woman lamenting, um, she was actually being very thoughtful and said, This what might be one of the last times I do it because my daughter’s starting to grow out of it. And I thought, oh, that’ll never happen. Oh, yeah, it totally happened to me. Done.
David:
Yeah. Done. And you don’t know, and it’s a huge change, right? And it’s a big moment, but it just happened. So ours happened the other week, and I only realized it because basically we go to the mall, as we know, every weekend, and we have a double stroller because we have two kids, and so we have a double stroller. And my son is a little big for it, but it’s fine. And then one day, my husband was just like, Oh, well, do we want to put the kids in the stroller? We’re just gonna run in real quick. And we’re like, no, they can just walk or whatever. And that was it. And I’ve been carrying around this double stroller in my car for a couple of weeks now. And my husband and I were cleaning out the car, and he was like, Do we need this stroller anymore? And we looked at each other and we went, No, we don’t need strollers anymore. And my daughter’s two and a half, so she could conceivably use a stroller, but it just doesn’t feel necessary. So we are now a no stroller family.
Gavin:
I mean, imagine the the illustrated memes of parenthood as you’re looking, the parents are in the foreground, and in the behind the parents, off in the distance, is all of these things that you leave along the way from from bubble baths to strollers to toys to toys to toys to toys, and you’re just like this trail of destruction you leave behind, and or rather, tail just consumption, yeah, just shit that you’ve bought all along the way, and um you leave it behind.
David:
Um, yeah. So, in in in the spirit of bringing up old topics over and over and over again, I want to talk about Are we already? Is this our segue to the top three list? No, I wish. Um, no, we’re gonna I wanted to talk about, you know, many years ago, my son went through a phase where I was not the favorite parent, but I was like, don’t touch me, parent. Like he like he would trip and fall and he would not let me hold him. He was, I couldn’t hold his hand. It was like heartbreaking. And this was my first kid, and he was so young, he was like, I want to say just a little older than one. And I remember just being beside myself. Like I would Google every night, read every article to the point where like I would Google again and all the articles had been read. I just didn’t know what else to do. And everyone was like, it’ll, you know, it’s just a phase, they’ll switch at some point. And I understood it, but like my heart was broken about it. Well, we are now in a phase where I am the favorite parent of both of my kids, and not in the same way, just in like, I want daddy to wake me up, I want daddy to put me in the car. It sucks. I have to do it. Your grass is just always greener. I have to parade all the books. I have to get everyone dressed, I have to take everyone downstairs, I have to hold everyone as we walk. I am exhausted, and I would like to be the not favorite parent to go.
Gavin:
It definitely you definitely go through those phases, and you feel like such a victim, too, when you’re like, oh, I’m the one who has to do everything, and it’s such a burden. And then when you don’t have it, you’re like, wait a minute, why have I been left behind? I am currently one of the left behind parents for my sons. One of the, well, the the left behind parent for my sons. And um, and I’m able to see him and my partner just bonding and giggling and like doing stuff that he and I don’t do. I mean, they’re a big tickle relationship, and um, and I my son just like squeals and screams with laughter still. At I mean, it’s not gonna last for long. He’s you know, he’s he’s 11, so it’s gonna change soon. But I don’t have that relationship with him, and um, I don’t know, maybe this is my reminder to ask if I can go wash his hair one more time, pick him up, read a book to him, and play tickle time because he’s gonna be like, Dad, that’s fucking weird.
David:
Stop that shit. True, true, true.
Gavin:
But uh yeah, I know what that’s I I know what it’s like to be the go-to and the rejected one.
David:
And yeah, and it’s never it never feels good. Neither of them feel good. Yeah, neither of them feel good.
Gavin:
One is way too much work and one is way too isolating. So it all just basically sucks. Yep. Um, yeah. Um, hey, in um gay dad news of the week, I uh, you know, I don’t think that people should ever be outed against their will. Um and um I think that everybody’s hopefully on their path to honesty and whatnot. Um, and at the same time, some people need to be called out for their total hypocrisy. And I was just scrolling the intro webs earlier today and saw this story on um Edge Media Network, which is America’s other finest news source besides Gatriarchs. And um, there’s a guy who several years ago, I vaguely remember him. His name is Mark Turnipseed, and he’s a triathlete. And years ago, he uh it made a lot of waves for coming out as um as, you know, being like a world-class athlete. And um he was like, hey, I’m a world-class athlete, I’m a triathlete. Um, look at my amazing abs, and by the way, I’m gay. But just recently, he’s found Jesus, and he’s stuffing himself back into the closet by saying that I am actually not interested in being sexually desired by men. He has very roundabout ways of saying it. And so now he’s um saying all these things about I found Jesus and I’m no longer gay, and I hope you can too. But he always does it shirtless. And let me tell you, those abs are still mighty fine. And you just think this is a bizarre story in um gay news. There’s not a whole lot of people stuffing themselves back into the closet, you know?
David:
Gavin’s always been very attracted to like, you know, hypocrites with abs. That’s just kind of his type. It’s hey, I mean and talk about running away from your fucking problems. My man, this guy, fuck this guy. Fuck the fuck the religion, fuck all of it, but also the the game that he plays with the shirtlessness and everything. You know what? We don’t want to go back to the streets. We don’t want you. You’ve been you’ve been excommunicated from our church, the church of Dick. Yeah.
Gavin:
You are canceled. You know what’s not canceled though? Our top three list. Gatriarchs, top three list, three, two, one. So this week, thank you for the dance. Can we get the dance to go along with the song? Yeah, ooh. Let’s make that. We’ll we’ll definitely go viral on TikTok with that. Um, so this week, the list is uh top three tops. And there are nine million ways to interpret this. So I cannot wait for um what you think of your top three tops, okay? My top three tops are number three. I love tops of the top of the pops. I love listening to music um countdowns, basically. You know, top 30, top this, top that.
David:
Okay.
Gavin:
And um, and I mean, top of the pops, that probably makes me sound 75 years old, right? Isn’t that like some show from the I literally have no idea?
David:
You’re talking Lawrence Welk at this moment.
Gavin:
Maybe I’m just reacting to what you’re talking about. Anyway, I think counting down music is awesome, down to the top, whatever. So um, I absolutely love that. Uh, number two, um, pineapple tops. I think that pineapples are um the m most violent of all the things that we can eat, but I’m always fascinated by the tops, and I enjoy chopping off the top of a pineapple and just like letting it sit there for a little while and hang it upside down on the front of your cruise cabin door to make sure everyone knows.
David:
Yeah.
Gavin:
Thank you for that reminder. And number one, Brad Pitt.
David:
God, I hope he’s a top. Oh, come on. Do we know if he’s a top, though? He was a now, he was a now, Tyler Durden was a top in that movie, right? He was like an aggressive top. So I’ll give you Brad Pitt’s movie. Okay, there’s that. Yeah, I don’t know if he’s a top in real life, but I imagine probably. Uh it’s just like yeah, there’s the one. What about you? What are your top three tops? All right, and mine are all different, none of them follow any sort of uh uh category whatsoever. All right, and number three, Top Gun. That’s a great fucking movie. And also franchise and also to bring it back and have it be a solid remake. Yeah. Love it. Solid. 28 years later, mind you. Um, number two for me, very personal, t-shirts. I love a t-shirt. I I I’m not wearing one now, but I almost exclusively wear t-shirts. And so I love a t-shirt top. Um, and number one, this person has my utmost respect, is the Senate top. That boy who fucked the Senate bottom in that video, the Senate top.
Gavin:
Yes, I tell you what, yes, yes.
David:
That is making America great again. That is making America great again.
Gavin:
Oh, wow, I hadn’t thought about that in a long time.
David:
Yeah, he wins too. He wins. Absolutely.
Gavin:
I agree with you. That’s amazing.
David:
So, next week, our top three list is not gonna be top three bottoms, although that would have been probably smart. Um, a little predictable. That’s true. Um, it’ll be the top three things that you hate irrationally. Okay, it can’t be something like, oh, I hate, you know, fascism. Like we all hate fascism. Yeah. Right, right, I get it. I and let’s do it. I fucking get it.
Gavin:
So, our guest today is Dr. Judson Brandeis. He is an award-winning urologist and sexual medicine expert, clinical research physician educator, and a caring clinician and surgeon, according to his own bio. But we will be the judges of that on a podcast. Dr. Brandeis is dedicated to helping his patients and men everywhere feel great, look good, and have better physical intimacy. In short, he is much too accomplished to be on Gatriarchs. And yet, his specialty is something we definitely pay attention to. So he’s also straight, but given his extensive knowledge of the male anatomy and mass repository of dick jokes, plus the fact that he has two kids and loves them more than anything, he’s definitely an honorary. Four kids. Oh my god.
unknown:
Fuck.
David:
God, you’ve already fucked it up, Gavin. You’re in the intro to the guest, and you have fucked it up.
Gavin:
And I know both of you are like, God, could this be a longer intro, even though I’m took it anyway. He has four kids, so he’s even more manly than we could possibly hope to be. He loves them more than anything. He’s definitely an honorary Gatriarch. Dr. Vrandeis, welcome to Gatriarchs. And how have your kids driven you bananas already today? All four of them.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, well, I have uh 18-year-old twins that are home. Oh man.
David:
So you can’t you’re basically saying you can’t talk about it, but your eyes are saying I’m ready to spill the tea.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah. They’re, you know, they’re they’re individuating and separating and sort of defining who they are and who they’re not. Like my daughter yesterday, she said, you know, dad, why can’t you just be normal?
David:
Oh, okay. Well. And what were you doing that was not normal?
SPEAKER_00:
Just absolutely. Uh yeah, I was just um sitting in the car with her driving, and uh we were going to the grocery store.
Gavin:
And that was abnormal for her.
unknown:
Yeah.
David:
That’s pretty fucked up of you to take your daughter to the grocery store. I’m on her side, honestly. Um but it’s funny how like I imagine as twins, you’re desperate for that unique recognition, but also you kind of have to fake it if you don’t ignore are they like does it feel like they’re kind of just making shit up to be different about just to Well, they’re boy girl twins, so they’ve kind of found their own little niches.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah.
Gavin:
And how old are the others?
SPEAKER_00:
I have a 22-year-old and a 20-year-old.
Gavin:
Oh, right. So you are you’ve got like adults. You are hardcore adulting. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Well, okay, so we’re gonna come back to the kids, but first let’s talk about penis, shall we? Um David’s favorite topic.
SPEAKER_00:
That’s where it all starts.
Gavin:
Yeah, it sure does. Well, I am curious. You are a uh you are definitely a leader in the industry. You are paving your own way with your own practice. And what is different about what you have developed at your um in in your office?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, so many men want a larger penis. Um, but up until now, there really wasn’t a safe and reliable way to increase the length, girth, and function of a healthy man’s penis, right? I’m talking about men, say, between 20 and 55 or 60 that have really good solid erections. If you have erectile dysfunction and can’t fill the penis up that you have, then you’re really not a candidate for what we call pilong. But what I was as a urologist and a surgeon and a sexual medicine expert, I was seeing a lot of men who had tried different technologies to increase the length, girth, or function of their penis and had really bad outcomes. So, for example, people who use fillers, they spend a lot of money. Um, fillers only last for a year or two and they have a wide but not long penis. So, what I call a pig in a blanket penis.
SPEAKER_03:
Okay.
SPEAKER_00:
Or guys using uh like tracking traction devices or jelking that have a long penis, but it’s thin, and and I call those pencil penises.
Gavin:
Oh, uh how do they feel about that when you call it a pencil penis?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, and then uh and then there are surgeries like cutting suspensory ligaments or using uh like a silicone implant, and I’ve seen absolute total disasters from those surgeries. Not every single person has a total disaster, but you know, I’ve seen guys with basically normal anatomy then come back uh with infections or having to have multiple revision surgeries. And so as a as a urologist, but also as a clinical researcher who’s done research at American Red Cross and at Harvard and at UCLA, I decided there had to be a better way. And so I created a protocol using a traction device developed by a friend of mine at the Mayo Clinic, a penis pump, a uh a nitric oxide boosting supplement called a firm that I created, and then also using PRP or platelet-rich plasma to accelerate the growth process. So PRP uses platelets. Platelets have clotting factors, but they also have growth factors. And so anything that you do in terms of trying to create length or girth will accelerate by using PRP. And so uh I created a study, I got it institutional review board approved, I got it listed by clinicaltrials.gov, which is the NIH website. And uh it took about two years to complete. But what we found was that we could grow the length of the penis almost an inch, the girth of the penis about half an inch, and everyone in the study improved in terms of subjective assessment of their erectile function.
David:
Wow. What what what is it? Okay, we are three cisgendered men with penises on this call. What is it about our dicks that we just we we focus on, like what is it? Is it just ego? Is it fertility? Is it some sort of like like caveman fertility thing? Why are we so obsessed with the size of our dicks? Because we uh Gaben as I as gay men have realized the function and like the sexual enjoyment is not dependent on the size, but there is that innate fucking desire to have these disgustingly huge dicks. What the hell is that? I mean, I already have it, but I’m just asking for asking for a friend. Asking for a friend.
SPEAKER_00:
You know, I I think it’s a sort of alpha male kind of um caveman ethos of bigger is better. And uh you know, the the interesting thing is in the study, I had guys with less than normal penises, normal penises, and then larger than normal penises. So it it really doesn’t uh it’s not just guys with small penises that want bigger penises, it’s guys with bigger penises that want bigger penises.
David:
I’m sure there’s an idea, like the b people with big dicks are probably like, this is part of my identity, so I’m gonna be bigger and bigger and bigger versus this a small penis that just doesn’t I don’t know. I think from small to medium it just sounds like but I can imagine somebody with a large penis being like, I’m gonna be big fast because that is so part of my sexual identity.
SPEAKER_00:
I would imagine how on earth do you I I honestly I don’t quite understand the psychology. And the purpose of the the study wasn’t to convince people to get bigger penises. The whole purpose of the study was if that’s something that you’re interested in, I have a way that you can do it that’s safe, that’s natural, that’s long-lasting, that’s symmetrical, that doesn’t require you know, I mean, if you’re with another man who has had filler or a silicone implant or something like that put in the penis, it kind of says something about their self-confidence. And I think a lot of people respond to other people’s self-confidence. Uh so if you have p long, it’s totally natural. It looks symmetric, it looks like a normal, feels like a normal penis. It’s just bigger. I think that’s better than getting, you know, a foreign substance injected into the penis.
David:
No doubt. And that’s for sure it, right? That’s the source of all good sex to me is confidence. Uh whether that comes from uh a surgery or some sort of treatment or just your innate confidence. That’s absolutely where the best sex comes from, in my opinion.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah. And you know, that that’s the nice thing is I do all the injections myself. Uh, and I did all the injections in the study myself. And so I could see the men in the study, you know, they were happy. I have so many things going on and so many projects that I would never have pushed this out into the public eye unless it was something that I really stood behind, and unless I saw these patients coming back helping. Healthy and happy and um and and you know really jazzed about the fact that things were working for them.
Gavin:
Aaron Powell That’s pretty amazing. And this is your own technology that you’ve created. Is it are is this the only place that people can be treated in this way with PRP and the traction device and all of the other things that you just listed that I Yeah, I mean we have a network of providers that are trained in my specific protocol and my specific technique.
SPEAKER_00:
So if people go to p-long.com, uh you can find a provider that’s local to you. I mean, I’m in Northern California. I have people flying in from around the country, even around the world, to see me. But you know, if we have providers in uh tons of different places, and so you don’t necessarily have to book a flight to come see me.
David:
I mean, he’s franchised, just like Wendy’s or Yogram. I mean that is the American dream right there, buddy. Absolutely dream. Get yourself a frosty and a bigger tick. That’s all you need to know.
Gavin:
Wait a minute. So also earlier you said you something that you use as a traction device, and all I can think is that sounds like something from Star Wars, frankly.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, it it it it looks like uh a guillotine.
David:
Oh my god. Oh, fun. Oh, that’s fun. That’ll get people in the door. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
But uh it actually is a very sophisticated device, and it was developed for what we call Peroni’s disease. So it’s uh scar tissue in the penis that causes a curvature and a shortening of the penis.
Gavin:
And all of that you’re describing here, it you did mention earlier that this is long lasting. Does that mean it’s not permanent? I mean, it almost sounds like this is constant maintenance that you’re mentioning.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, you know, the thing is you should be getting half an hour to an hour of erections every night when you go to sleep.
David:
Okay, so you’re saying we need an hour of erections a night. Hold on one second. Okay, hold on. Brian, the doctor says we have to have sex at least an hour a night. No, he’s a doctor. The doctor’s orders. Okay, all right. I just wanted to make sure that’s it.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, I could write that as in a prescription for you. I would appreciate it. Said it’s a Walgreens over here.
Gavin:
I definitely think that you all of this messaging is getting through in exactly the professional ways that you would go. I mean, but speaking of, what I am so impressed with is that obviously you are a doctor and a professional, and you have delivered all of this but while saying penis about 72 times without cracking the slightest smile. And David and I, I don’t know about you, David, but I do want to giggle about this. Uh because I have to mute myself because I’m like, he’s talking about dicks.
David:
Yeah, which is fantastic. I’m 44 and still think the word dick or penis and erection is whole. But I feel like those men want to know that, but they can’t let him know that they want because they don’t want to be perceived as a man who wants to know from the penis doctor how to get a bigger penis. So he’s like, you know, ha ha, what would happen? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, you know, well, I try to sort of mainstream it a little bit. So for for example, say uh, you know, you’re at work and your father’s having some heart disease issues and you want to take him to the cardiologist. And so you you tell the people at work, you know, like, listen, guys, I have to take my dad, you know, he’s old, to the cardiologist. And everyone at work’s like, oh, that’s so nice, you know, what a nice son. You’re taking your dad to the cardiologist, the heart doctor, right? So then the next day, you’re like, oh, you know, my dad, he’s, you know, he’s 80 years old, but you know, he can’t get it up. And I want to take him to the urologist so he can get better erection so he can shack up with my mom.
David:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Uh and and everyone’s like, really? Yeah. They’re like that’s like too much too much information. Why did you tell me that? But you know, the thing is, physiologically, it’s the same process, right? Yeah. Heart disease is not getting enough blood flow through the coronary arteries to get to the heart, and erectile dysfunction is not getting enough blood flow through the the pelvic arteries to get into the penis to get an erection. So it’s the same physiologic process, but there’s just this giant stigma over erectile function, whereas, you know, heart disease, it’s it’s cool to have.
David:
It’s because yeah, it’s really cool to have heart disease. Thank you for saying that. But also it’s it’s it’s I think it’s the puritanical part of us then. We want to ignore sex. We don’t want to talk about sex. We had Dr. Goldstein on a couple months ago. Uh you know, he does, he’s yeah, he’s amazing. I mean, he he’s he’s he’s he’s the Dr. uh Brandeis for the butt. And that’s what they say all the time. But he’s doing the same thing. He’s like, I talk about the ass in a way that like you know shocks people, but it’s like the I’m not coming from a puritanical part. I’m talking about it from both a doctor aspect, but also people use the butt for pleasure, people use the penis for pleasure. It is, you know, it is to be talked about. But we have this puritanical, like, no, no, no, no, no. We don’t want to do anything. Let’s just like treat gonorrhea and then be done with it, doctor.
Gavin:
Totally.
David:
Right? Totally. It is too bad. But then in case somebody had gonorrhea, not me.
Gavin:
Asking for a friend. Now, you mentioned earlier that you submitted, you submitted a study to what was the conference you talked about? The sexual health.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, um, it’s a Sexual Medicine Society of North America. So that’s where where people like me are yeah, I’m in private practice, so a lot of private practice docs don’t do clinical research, but you know, a lot of the academic guys.
Gavin:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
You’d be very disappointed. You know, if you went to the Sexual Medicine Society meeting, you would think like it’d be very flamboyant and there’d be all sorts of interesting. No, it’s just a bunch of like men and women in gray and blue suits.
David:
I went to the museum of the penis museum, the museum of dicks in Iceland. I cannot tell you how excited I was to go to this museum. I was like, there’s gonna be dicks everywhere. And there were, but it was like a mouse dick, like on a push-bend board with like dates of extra. It’s it was there’s nothing.
Gavin:
I was gonna say that you so those conferences get togethers after you’ve done all the science-y stuff in the afternoon, do not turn into massive orgies at night, obviously.
SPEAKER_00:
No, not sexual, sad to say.
Gavin:
Well, I mean, what what kind of personality actually does fall into this category? I mean, would you say there is a personality type of people who are who are uh are just generously devoting themselves to science, or how do you find yourself on this path?
SPEAKER_00:
You know, that’s a that’s a really good question. Yeah, in in in the field of urology, so like in the surgical subspecialties, you know, you have orthopedists who are jocks, and you have the plastic surgeons who are sort of the pretty boys, and you have the ear, nose and throat docs who are kind of tend to be more um like obsessive-compulsive. Uh you have the general surgeons that tend to be more like cowboys and or the cardiothoracic surgeons that think that they walk on water. And urologists tend to be kind of like like uh regular old guys that uh have a sense of humor, uh, you know, based on what we do. And then within the urology community, you kind of subsegregate. So like the the people that think the highest of themselves tend to be go into like cancer surgery, like prostate cancer surgery, bladder cancer surgery. And then there’s the endourologist, the people that deal with kidney stones, and then there’s the the urologists that deal with uh incontinence and female problems, there’s the reconstructive urologist, and and sort of towards the bottom, I I I mean, people are gonna get mad at me for saying this, but um, are the the docs that go into sexual medicine? Um now I kind of break the mold a little bit because I started out in private practice and I helped pioneer robotic surgery for prostate cancer, and I built kidney stone centers, uh, and I helped pioneer uh MRI guided prostate biopsies. Uh, and then about five, six years ago, I became really interested in regenerative urology. So the ability to help men who were getting up there in age and were having difficulty uh getting erections and the blue pill wasn’t working. Uh, and so using technologies low and like low-intensity shockwave therapy and platelet-rich plasma and some other things to help men regain that ability to have natural erectile function.
David:
But are you saying, do you think that they’re on the bottom because of the stigma? And there’s less people are a little more afraid.
SPEAKER_00:
Somewhat of stigma, and also a lot of it uh these days with anything is like how much money you make. And so, you know, the the people that do cancer tend to make a little bit more money.
Gavin:
I love that breakdown that you just did, was which was basically casting for Scrubs. I love Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh yeah, Scrubs actually, you know, the funny thing is Scrubs is one of the most accurate medical shows that is much more accurate than like uh Gray’s Anatomy and ER and all that kind of stuff.
Gavin:
Not the first person I’ve not the first doctor I’ve heard that from by any stretch. Uh so how um in your quest to bring about sexual health and make the world a better place, how do you cure toxic masculinity?
SPEAKER_00:
You know, the thing, I mean, I do a lot of testosterone replacement therapy too. Uh and I see a lot of like first responders like police, fire, SWAT. So I deal with a lot of guys who are in that sort of toxic max masculinity space. Um, you know, I think the important thing to realize is that we’re all messed up. Nice. We’re all fucked up in the head. Totally. Uh speak for yourself. So, you know, I mean, I I’ve I’ve seen guys that totally look like they have everything and they’re all put together and they’re on top of the world, and and then, you know, then they have a small penis. Or their penis, you know, or their penis doesn’t work, or they they we’re all damaged in some way. Yeah, I mean, we’re all we’re all damaged in our own way. And so uh a lot of times toxic masculinity is just a mask that we wear to hide the fact that uh you know we’re insecure on the inside. He’s damaged.
Gavin:
Yeah, and I have a huge with a huge ego whips.
SPEAKER_00:
That Seinfeld, I’m deep, I’m dark, I’m disturbed, I got it all.
David:
Um I have a I I have a parenting question. Uh so you, you know, you’re in this this space, right, in this category, obviously urology, but also just like you know, male enhancement. How do you balance also raising your children, especially your male children, into kind of appreciating themselves, loving their body the way it is? Because I have a I have a four-year-old boy and and a two-year-old girl, and I am constantly trying to think, okay, I grew up with a very bad body image. I’m like, how do I combat that the way I talk about their bodies and the way I help they talk about each other’s bodies? Is there, is there how how do you navigate that as a parent?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, I mean, my kids were exposed at an early age to I remember, you know, when I was on call for the emergency room, and uh, you know, I’d be driving in to the hot to um to take my kids to school, and the phone would ring and I’d put it on speakerphone, and it would be the emergency room. And the emergency room would be like, Yeah, you know, Dr. Brandeis, I have uh, you know, a guy that put a mercury thermom thermometer up his penis, and we’re having trouble getting it out, and all my kids are in the back of the car, like, right.
David:
You know, so it’s like And they’re in the back going, baby shark doo doo. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00:
So, you know, they they and you know, I had a one of my daughters the other day, she’s like, Yeah, you know, dad, it’s really nice. I’m at a new school, I have this whole fen group, and they don’t know what you do for a living.
David:
And please let’s keep it that way. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
You know, I mean the thing is like I’m a sexual wellness advisor for Pornhub. So I have uh you know a whole bunch of articles and videos up on Pornhub. Oh, that’s awesome.
David:
And what is that? What is it what does that mean? Yeah, it’s it’s a site on Pornhub that’s run by Pornhub. Oh, are you kidding me? I have I have it I have it like as a favorite on my phone. Are you kidding me? I know what Pornhub is, but I’m curious as to what a advisor like you does on Pornhub.
SPEAKER_00:
You know, I I I publish articles and make videos on just health, health stuff, you know. Um I wrote an article the other day on uh bike seats, you know, like um bike, you know, riding a bike for more than three hours a a week will cause erectile dysfunction if you have the wrong seat, if you’re you’re riding the wrong way, if you don’t get out of the saddle. Um and I’ve seen that, you know, in some of my patients. So, you know, I wrote an article and I did a video on that. Or um you know, everything you need to know about the penis, or I wrote an article called um uh urologist guide to um you know sexual function. I mean um I forget that name of the time. Yeah, so I mean the thing is it really the the interesting thing is it’s like it gets 50 billion hits a year. So even if only.000001% of the people that go to Pornhub actually click on the sexual wellness, um, that’s a lot of people.
David:
No, it is a lot of people, but also I know I’ve seen um drag queens do videos on how to tuck, I’ve seen people do um videos on um how to put on condoms correctly because I feel like that kind of stuff is really actually valuable, but but to dance around it with animations or not saying the right words to make it appropriate for YouTube, it’s so nice to have a place where you can actually do that stuff. So there’s a freedom there to talk about things totally uh yeah, earnestly.
Gavin:
I have a feeling that you um have about a million dick jokes. And will you please share with us one or two or 12 of your favorites?
SPEAKER_00:
I I don’t tell a lot of jokes, but I do have a lot of patient stories. I can tell you about this this patient that I had the other day. It was really sad. Uh this guy was in a terrible car wreck and he actually lost his penis. Right. And so he came to see me a couple days later. Yeah, just terrible. Um and uh he came to see me a couple days later and he said, you know, like what are my options to to get a replacement penis? And I said, Well, you know, we really have three options. We can put one back on that’s about the same size, that’s about five thousand dollars. We can put a bigger one on, that’s about ten thousand dollars, or we can put the bigger one on that vibrates and that’s twenty-five thousand dollars. And so he said, Well, you know, that’s that’s a lot of money, it’s a pretty big decision. You know, let me go home and talk to my wife. And so, you know, I didn’t hear from him like for like a week. And so I had, you know, I had told my nurse, you know, give Mr. Jones a call, you know, I need to speak with him. And I said, Mr. Jones, you know, um you know, you’re running around there without a penis. And I I talked to you about the$5,000 option, the regular size, the$10,000 option, the larger size, or the$25,000 option, you know, the one, the big one that vibrates. And he said, Well, Dr. Brandeis, I went home and I talked to the wife and she said she’d rather redo the kitchen.
David:
Dr. Brandeis, I can’t help but notice how many HIPAA violations were in that story that you revealed all of that penis.
SPEAKER_00:
All names and penises have been changed to protect the innocent.
Gavin:
All right. So share with us a little bit of advice on how you raise successful children to become 18-year-olds and 28-year-olds who are uh uh living on their own and ready to provide you the comfort in your old age. So you don’t have to worry about anything.
David:
I’m not I can’t do another 16 years of this. So you gotta go. How do we get there?
SPEAKER_00:
You know, my my wife is uh is a rock star and she really did an amazing job because I I I put a lot of time in at work. I mean, I was I was home every night and and you know, wake woke up with the kids every morning, but my wife really was uh you know a warrior. And um, you know, one thing we did really was to limit electronics, limit phones, uh limit social media. I think those things are really poisonous. Uh and um you know, there’s another um uh uh parenting technique called Love and Logic, which is an amazing parenting technique to help you understand how to get out of the way and let c the consequences of people’s behavior uh teach the lessons. So it’s it’s hard to do, you know, all of us scream at our kids and you know, jump up and down, and uh and that turns you into the bad guy because you’re the one that’s uh raising your voice. But if you’re sometimes able to get out of the way. So for example, I was coaching my son’s basketball team, right? And uh I was a pretty intense basketball kid. So the kids pretty much did what I wanted them to do. But one time I was like getting the kids in for a layup drill. I said, you know, three kids here, three kids here, three kids there, go. And they were just sitting around talking. And so what I did was I said, Well, just give me the basketball. And I went to the middle of the court and I lied down and I put my head on the basketball and I started pretending like I was sleeping. And so then the kids all started looking at me and they came over and they said, Coach, are you okay? And I said, Yeah, I’ve been working a lot these days, and I’m I’m kinda tired. And I figured you guys weren’t ready to listen and to play basketball, so I was just gonna get a little nap. And they said, Well, you know, I think I think we’re ready to play. And I said, Well, okay, why don’t you guys just line up and I’ll be over there in a couple minutes? And you know, all the parents are looking at me and the from the bleachers, like, what the heck is going on? Um, but I didn’t have to raise my voice, I didn’t have to chastise anyone, I didn’t have to yell at anyone. Um I just had to sort of take care of myself uh and the kids knew what to do, and then and then they just did it. And so, you know, love and logic teaches you how to do those kind of things, and when you have those victories, you feel really good about yourself. And so uh you know, starting really at the age of three, kids need to learn what consequences are. And like I said, I I I don’t get it right every single time. Even 50% of the time I probably don’t get it right. But when you do get it right, it feels really good. Do you have a story to leave with us uh that’s along the lines of I’ll never forget the time when my kid My middle daughter uh is really they’re all my all my kids are intellectually gifted, but my middle daughter is really like very intuitive and uh she was into rock and roll and I was like Sabrina Um I want you to listen to Pink Floyd the Wall before you go to sleep. Just turn the lights out, put your earbuds in, and listen to Pink Floyd the Wall from beginning to end. And uh so the next morning I I walk into her room and I’m like you know, how to go? And she’s like, Oh my god, that was so amazing! You know, like first the boy was born and then he was growing up, and then he’s like revolting from education, and we don’t want no education, and then like he’s on trial and then tear down the wall, and then all the characters come back. And I just looked at her and I’m like, oh my god. I’m thinking I didn’t say this to her, but I was like, oh my god. I’ve listened to that album hundreds of times, and you listened to it once, and you got more out of it than I ever got out of it. So it’s really cool to see your kids um do better than you and be smarter than you and exceed you in so many different ways. Like that’s the that’s the really cool thing is to see them growing in really amazing ways.
Gavin:
David is already experiencing that, and they’re only two years old, and they’ve already surpassed him.
David:
So I’m I’m trying to suppress all growth whatsoever for my children so I can always maintain dominance.
Gavin:
And so that he doesn’t have to get a penis of that management. This is how he keeps his uh domination in check. Listen, my penis is still bigger than my four year old, so high five everyone. On that note, Dr. Brandeis, where can we find your book and get a Touch with you.
SPEAKER_00:
P long.com. And that you’ll be able to find a provider that’s close to you. And there’s you know videos. And if you’re a science geek, you can see the the paper that I’ve I published in Andrology Journal or I public my presentations at the scientific meetings. And then my own personal website is BrandeisMD.com, B-R-A-N-D-E-I-S-M-D.com. And you can fly out and see me. I wrote the most comprehensive and medically accurate men’s health book called The 21st Century Man. It’s 101 chapters on every aspect of men’s health for men over the age of 40. Amazing. With 60 co-authors. And did I send you guys copies?
David:
Yes, I no. But I I I’m not quite that age yet. So when I when I get to 40, I’ll let you know and I’ll start reading that book.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, I there’s actually a really good, there’s a really good chapter on fatherhood by Armin Bratt, who’s a national uh fatherhood expert. But I actually wrote a couple like a little sidebar, two-page sidebar about you know why you want to have kids. And it it it kind of came down to just like a lot of times it’s a pain in the ass, but sometimes there’s just those moments like that I describe with my daughter, they’re just totally priceless that you you could never get from anything else.
David:
And it’s hard to describe to somebody who doesn’t have kids because they can they hear like, oh, so your daughter did something cool, who cares? Yeah. But the like the the magic of that, having a front row seat to that is is hard to, yeah.
Gavin:
Yeah, well, speaking of magic and having a front row seat, you have been a fantastic guest. Thank you for demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast. Thank you, Dr. Brandeis.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, it’s my pleasure. Thank you so much for having me.
Gavin:
So I love games. Do you love games? I love games. Yeah. We just got games, yeah, emotionally manipulative games. Yeah. Uh my something great this week is twice this week I have been with friends and we have played a yard game called Mulky. Have you heard of this game? I think I don’t know if it’s it’s new to me. I’m it’s obviously not new to the world. It’s spelled M O with an umlaut. L-L-K-Y, I think. And basically it just looks like it came from IKEA because one, it’s wooden, and two, it has an umlaut. So you’re like, well, this came from IKEA. Anyway, something great is getting together and playing games in the yard, just like kids. I love games because you know, I love to talk about religion, art, politics, and sex till the day is long, but once in a while you just need a distraction. And and um, so yard games with friends, particularly Mulky, the not IKEA game. There you go.
David:
Yeah. Well, mine is very broad, but you know, coming off of June, uh, we just had a wonderful Pride Month. I was just thinking, I fucking love being gay. Nice. I love being gay. Being gay is fucking great. What a look, what a how lucky am I that I got to just have this thing. Because I think about who I would be had it not been for this different thing about me that forced me to look at the world differently and uh uh think about the world differently. And I was just like, do I want to be straight? If I could just wave a wand, would I want to be straight and get all the things? And I was like, no, being gay is awesome. Yeah. So for those of you out there who are considering it. Questioning. I’ll full recommend. 10 out of 10. Full recommend. Full recommend. I love that. And that is our show. If you have any comment, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com. Or you can DM us on Instagram.
Gavin:
We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM Vaughn everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge at IKEA.
David:
Please leave us a glowing five-star review wherever you get your podcasts.
Gavin:
Thanks, and we’ll gay you up next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.