Full Transcript
Number one overarching, and I hope you’re gonna agree with me. I this is the number 0.5 or whatever it is, the the king uh topping point of.
David:
You’re doing really good, babe. Keep going. Really proud of you. And this is Gatriarchs. So do you want to know how anal I am? Not that kind of anal.
Gavin:
I am even fucking I’m rendered speechless. Um yes, of course.
David:
I want to know how anal you are, David. So at daycare, sorry to clear your buzz, but it is a daycare thing. So you know how daycare, by the way, happy waffle day. Did you know it’s an international waffle day?
Gavin:
International waffle day.
David:
No fucking joke. This TikTok bulletin. Like, are you fucking kidding me? Nobody needs an international waffle day. Come on. There are no, especially my kid who’s posting photos of him at daycare with chocolate sauce all over his waffle. I was anyway. So, long story short, is every five minutes when there’s a party at school, they put a sign-up sheet for the parents to basically bring chips, bring whatever. What do we pay teachers for? So Jesus. I mean, whatever. So I usually will sign up for the mac and cheese because I make it homemade with like a homemade bechamel sauce. Oh fucking.
Gavin:
Wait, with a homemade. Tell me you’re gay without telling me you’re gay. Can we put these in our non-existent show show notes?
David:
Your recipe for your your Zoe, your Zoe De Chanel uh mac and cheese. You know what my secret ingredient is? Yeah. No. I mean, please tell. What? Yellow mustard. A tablespoon of yellow mustard. It has like a acidic quality, also has that nice yellow. Anyway, so I go to the signup sheet for both of these classes because I have two kids in daycare, and all the good stuff is taken. The only thing left over is plates and napkins. I’m I’m so I’m so annoyed.
Gavin:
I’m so sad to admit that that’s what I go for because the idea of having to bake, first of all, it takes prior planning, and I’m not always great at that. I’m almost fucking last minute and all the shit. But it’s like, I don’t want to have to make a tray of something and then have to think like, how am I gonna dish this out? They’re not gonna appreciate it anyway, because these kids just want fucking suckers. So come on. And um, I don’t make Zoe Deschanel uh mac and cheese. So anyway.
David:
So I so I have to buy plates and napkins. So one of the parties is the waffle day party, which again, not a fucking day. And then the other party is the summer blowout party. Well, I go to the dollar store, right? So I get the tablecloths, napkins, and plates. And I’m so gay. Um summer is like summer colors, summer themes, everything, right? The waffle day, I get yellows and browns on like syrup colors, buttercolors. I like to have a whole fucking thing. But put them both in the same bag. I get to school and I realize I don’t trust these fucking teachers to know which is for which day. They’re just gonna throw whatever on the table. Yeah. So I grab a marker and I write down to each thing, this is for the summer party. This is for the waffle party. And you know what? Those pictures came in yesterday, and those waffle, those waffle tables looked real cute. They looked like little waffles with little pads of butter on them. So you’re fucking welcome. But that’s how anal I am is I had to tell them which tablecloth is for which party.
Gavin:
I mean, it does it when you have a vision for something, I can relate where I just think I just assume people are gonna have the same sensibility that I will. And I’m not aesthetic things don’t keep me up at night, but uh come on, there’s a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things. And let’s face it, our kids are always gonna screw it up because they have no sense of aestheticism, not asceticism, but aesthetics, whatever. Anti-Semitism. Let’s I think they’re inherently anti- Oh god, that’s not what I meant. Anyway, uh, but I people do need some instructions to um to fulfill your vision. And I’m glad that you’re gonna be able to do that.
David:
Listen, if we’re gonna be the gay dads at school, oh yeah, like we gotta keep it up a little bit. Yeah, we gotta do that. 100%.
Gavin:
And it’s pathetic that I always just go for the plates and napkins because I actually think to myself, uh honestly, sometimes I’m like, oh great, the gay dad’s gonna have to deliver some over-the-top thing. And I’m like, you know what? Let me just lower your expectations. The gays are just as lame as the straights, as David loves to point out. Yeah.
David:
And so I just bring in basically just as disgusting, just as poor, stupid, just as untrustworthy.
Gavin:
Yeah, absolutely. We’re not all a bunch of Martha Stewart wannabes, that’s for sure.
David:
I do have a really fucking killer brown butter chocolate chip cookie recipe that I finally feel like I’ve perfected. I’ll put that in the show notes too. Uh, there are no show notes.
Gavin:
Let’s let’s move it to something more celebratory and gay, which has to do with pickles. I love pickles. What do you uh and when you think of pickles, what do you think of? Do you think of their shape or their flavor?
David:
I think of the flavor. I think of like the snap, the coldness. I think of like obviously the vinegar, sugar, like you know, the pickling of a cucumber, but like something about the I’m a salt, I love salt, so the saltiness, the cold, the snap, I love it.
Gavin:
Well, okay, so aside from the phallic symbols that I was expecting you to um be so base about. Uh are you aware of pickle-flavored cupcakes? Pickle-flavored cupcakes. No. So salty cupcakes with potentially a crunchy, pickly, like chopped, diced pickles on the inside, because of course cupcakes can’t just be cupcakes anymore. They have to be an entire Broadway show, right? So it’s like a Yeah, hold on, hold on. I could get the recipe for you. Um, and um, and then with uh a savory frosting on top, along with potato chips, either crushed.
David:
So they’re not really cupcakes, they’re savory cupcakes, they’re like muffins that look like cupcakes. They are right, they’re like cornbread with like pickles in it. I mean, so it looks like a yeah, okay. Well, I heard about the I was not sweet.
Gavin:
I no, no, no, no. I heard well, I you know what? I mean, listen, I didn’t get do a deep dive into the cupcake recipes. I just heard about it on the news this morning, on the what radio, because I’m what yes, it’s 1937. And you’re welcome. I needed to jump into your grandophone, you put your little ear to the like so um pickle cupcakes, they’re a thing. And when you Google them, there are lots. I mean, there’s a I’m looking at a recipe right now, best pickle cupcake recipe, because of course everything that you Google is the best on dlish.com. It’s from 2017. I’m like, this didn’t just happen, but somebody’s doing really good branding about it right now with um with a potato chip on top and whatnot. But then it made me think like, can you imagine like pickle cupcakes? I mean, that is a drag queen name, if I have ever heard of one. Pickle cupcakes. I mean, it’s really good. Just a little bit of salty and a little bit of sweet, you know?
David:
Yeah, yeah. It’s also, yeah, no, that’s what that’s really good. I I would kind of want to make these now. Yeah. They sound delicious. Like the, but they’re not cupcakes. That’s what’s so like trendy about it. It’s like, let’s call it bubble cupcakes. It’s not cupcakes, it’s bread with pickles in it. Like, I don’t know what you’re like in a mayonnaise frosting. And a mayonnaise frosting. Absolutely.
Gavin:
But how do you make a mayonnaise frosting with just the right amount of like firmness on the outside so that it there’s like so you pierce it? Would you make a sandwich out of this pickle cupcake? I think you use it. Always. You know, you know that’s my thing. I always have it. I don’t understand why you want to do that. I mean, again because I’m 43, Gaben. I’m not 11. A cupcake is a vessel to your mouth for frosting. So yeah, I don’t want to squish anything down. I would rather take the bottom half of the cupcake, throw it away, and just eat the frosting on top.
David:
So you want the ratio of frosting to cupcake to be a little more even or more frosting. Yeah, four to one. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Way more. Well, I know it’s three to one. Our top three list. Let’s move to three to three.
Gavin:
Is that a good transition? Have a good segue. I mean. I’m so proud of you. That was fantastic. Let’s move to the top three lists. Yes, it is. So this week, this week’s top three list is I wanted to hear. I mean, gosh, I don’t think that our top three need list needs to always be top three recommendations for something. It’s but anyway, it’s that’s what it is this week, which is top three suggestions for uh successful birthday parties. So for me, number three is start on time. I’m late to everything, I’m sure that shocks you. You were late to this recording. I’m fuck off. I told you it was gonna be a good one. Three minutes later. No, we started 4 13, not 4 10. Okay, sorry. True, guilty as charged. Yes, start on time because no birthday party needs to go more than two hours. Tops, frankly, 90 minutes. Those kids are so oversaturated anyway, get them in and out. So start on time. Number two, cake within 45 minutes. You get them in, you get them fed, you get them sugared up, you let them run it off. Because everybody just every child just showed up for the cake anyway. So get that cake in and out of them, let them run it off, and then bye-bye.
David:
I like that one because every because if the cake is too late, then they eat cake and then they’re just expected to get in the car. And yeah, no, that’s good.
Gavin:
It’s just like move it along and then let it just devolve into a play date, because that’s all it is, anyway. Come on. Yeah. And then number one is I mean, sorry, just booze. If you and I don’t mean to sound like such an alcoholic, but if the if we are hosting birthday parties with the parents, you better let those parents enjoy themselves. And uh, and if this is not a babysat play date, it if the parents are there, give them something to drink. I uh my apologies to those who are in recovery. But the rest of us need to be able to have a drink. What about really insensitive, Gavin?
David:
I well really insensitive of you.
Gavin:
You know?
David:
Um, so my top three secrets are uh a little less specific, a little broader, but I still think they’re gonna be helpful for people throwing now. Again, my point of view on parties is for like toddlers. So that’s where all of this is um coming from. Uh so number three for me, aim low. Do not think that you’re gonna curate this magical experience for anybody showing up. It is not that. Every adult who gets that imitation rolls their eyes. Did I say another fucking party this week? Yep. That is what they’re feeling. So aim low. If it’s just cupcakes in the park, that is enough. So number three, aim low. Number two, similar to what you said, always consider the parents. The parents are there too. The parents are just as miserable as you are. So if that means getting them food too, if it’s like pizza for the kids and ice cream, do the parents have pizza? You have to feed them. Yeah, Gabin, you’re thinking about alcohol, I’m thinking about pizza. Yes, right on right on track. This all tracks. Yeah. So something for the parents. And number one, again, very toddler friendly, to me, is to split the like share the birthday with another kid in your class, or slash, throw your party at the daycare. Because all of your kids are gonna go to the same friend’s birthday parties, they’re gonna do the same, it’s just gonna be a cycle of garbage. So if you and you know, uh, you know, Jimmy have a birthday within two weeks of each other, do a co-birthday. Because if you go to one of these places, you’re splitting the cost. 100%. It’s the same fucking kids there. Yeah, and you get to split all the costs. So that’s my number one.
Gavin:
I’m gonna okay, so and one more thing, David. I’m gonna top you here on this, okay? Oh, finally. Is that first and foremost, this wasn’t an afterthought. This was uh I need to have the final word here. Can we stop the insanity with fucking goodie bags? Stop. Can we please start a movement? I if if this podcast exists for nothing else except show up expecting gifts.
David:
Yes, not even just a bag, a wrapped gift.
Gavin:
This is a social movement that I want to that I want to foster here. Enough of the goodie bags. It’s this is my aim low.
David:
Aim low.
Gavin:
It’s it’s it’s nonsense, it’s trash, nobody needs to.
David:
And we all do the same shit. We all go to the dollar store, we all get shitty play-doh. And we all bitch about it. Yep, we all bitch that it’s you’re coming home with us and we go right in the garbage.
Gavin:
Yep, yep. So number that that’s the number, that’s the king daddy topper. There you go.
David:
All right, so next week, our list. Now, similar to an old list, but it’s different. Okay. The top three things that are so fun as a kid, but not fun as an adult. So our next guest is a comedian. He’s an author, he’s a viral cook and Orlando’s most famous gay-at-home dad. We’ll see about that. Uh, please welcome to the show, Ben Toshinski Skinny. Here he is. Did I say this? Hi, hi. That was perfect. I’m blown away. Before I’m very proud. Before we started recording, we were talking about the Holocaust and Big Dick. So I think we’re really And also how to pronounce Petoshinski.
SPEAKER_00:
Not that definitely not that, though. Definitely not like that. Were you the one that just came from the dentist, or was it your dog?
Gavin:
Wow. Wow. I mean, I wanted to exaggerate, but anyway, right to you, David.
David:
Go. No, there’s nothing to say other than obviously he’s a comedian because he’s the funniest guest we’ve had already in the eight minutes we’ve been on the phone. Um, hi, welcome to Gatriarch’s.
SPEAKER_00:
Thank you. Thank you. Now listen, I was just voted Orlando’s third best comedian after last year, winning best comedian. So I’m a little hurt. You’re slipping in the polls, but to be fair, now you have room to grow. Guess who beat me? I want you to guess. I’ll give you three guesses. Matt Gates.
Gavin:
No. But wait a minute. I forget. What’s what’s the category? It’s just Orlando’s comedian, not Orlando’s gayest comedian. Best comedian.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh shit. No, correct. It has nothing to do with my sexuality. Although the rumors may be true about one forced. Screw the guessing. We’ll be here all week. Yeah. Carrot Top B. Wait, he lives in Florida? I thought he lived in Vegas. I think he does live in Vegas, but he was Orlando for a long time.
Gavin:
But how on earth? And he gets voted top, like he’s not a local. I agree. How does that get to be best? Oh, Jesus. Well, but like David said, now you have someplace to work up again because it’s tough to be on top all the time. I would disagree, my friend.
David:
Wait, Caratop is one of those people where I feel like they had all of these parts of a person, and they were like, let’s make a person, okay? And they put all the parts of a person together, but they they got them from the different bins. So you’re like, oh, this is a person with a good body, but then you see the face and you’re like, oh, I don’t know. But then you see red hair. There’s nothing quite works together. Would you agree? It’s like a dollar store ken doll. Yeah. Where you’re like, yeah, that’s a ken doll, but something’s not right about it. Is it there’s some inherent sadness in that doll. That’s like a Sven doll, right? Exactly. Um, so you, like we said in the intro, you are a resident of Florida. How’s that going? Correct. How’s that? Listen, because I grew up there. So I know it, but I’m curious, like, how is it? I don’t I haven’t lived there in 20 years. How is it? How does it feel right now?
SPEAKER_00:
So you’re in New York City, correct? Okay. Imagine the parts of New York where you wouldn’t feel safe. Well, we’re in New York City in Orlando. Got it. So we’re in that very dark blue pocket.
David:
You’re not in a popcorn, you’re not in Winter Garden, you’re in Orlando. Orlando, Orlando.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, we’re technically in Windermere, but we’ve had a pride flag up on our house now for two full years. And in fact, there was a video that was going viral, and I took it down for the safety of the teenager. But a non-binary teenager knocked on our door and broke down because they said to us that they have never felt accepted in the community until they saw that flag. Wow. Wow. And we have never had anything but positives. Yeah. We are so proud of who we are. And people just see us raising our kid. Of course, they don’t see us out of town, on our dad’s only cruise, like that kind of stuff. They see who we are as a family. But every person in this world has their own little secrets that I don’t keep secret. I just don’t tell people my entire life. People don’t have to know what I do in the bedroom to respect me as a human being.
David:
I do though. I need to know that to respect you. So we’ll talk offline about it. Gate track now.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
David:
But that’s that’s actually really nice because I, you know, listen, I grew up there. I have a love-hate relationship with Florida. There are parts I grew up a little bit in the sticks that became like we got a Super Walmart eventually. So do you know what I mean? Like we got there, but we weren’t quite there when I grew up. But there are, you know, it’s like anywhere where you’re like, you kind of you can get insulated by like, oh, things are great, like I’m accepted. But then you kind of pull the camera back and you go, but I’m I’m in a sea of chaos. And it sounds like Florida is just that, right? Where like there is Orlando and Pockets of Miami and Key West that are like very little Tallahassee, they’re very liberal, very progressive, but then it’s surrounded by everything else.
Gavin:
It’s the carrot top state of the United States. Like you have bits of this and bits of that and bits of that, and nothing quite looks good together. And nothing looks good together. There’s some killer abs and a crazy fucking hairdo. So, you know.
SPEAKER_00:
But I really want to stand behind the fact that we feel safe and all of the things that you see on the news aren’t happening to our family.
David:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Now, I’m going to state that it probably they are probably happening to other families, but not in Orlando.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Probably not in Miami. Most definitely not in Key West. So if you live in those areas, you live a very out and proud life where these laws aren’t affecting your family. Now, we did have to fill out a form that if we wanted our daughter to go by a nickname, the only way she would be allowed to be called anything else is by both parents consenting on this form. Yeah. So you will have to deal with those kind of laws.
David:
Even though you are insulated a little bit in a blue community, the state laws will still apply to you. Correct. Correct. Well, that’s that’s you know, that’s a terrible way to start a really fun interview. Um, let’s talk about Broadway, let’s talk about Disney, let’s talk about why your name is at Equity Ben. Because you are at Equity Bend across the internet. And one of my questions to you when we first met was like, is that an actor’s equity thing? And you’re like, oh yeah, girl, I was like 100%. Yes.
SPEAKER_00:
It’s my union. And so I used it as a screen name, and then it kind of went viral. And I quit. I became a stay-at-home dad, and I just do online content. And I thought, well, I don’t want to change it because I’ve already struck big. And also, equity means so many different things, inclusion, equality. And so I stand behind the screen name because it means everything. And worst case scenario, I’ll just become a fucking realtor.
David:
Yeah, totally. Absolutely. Listen, equity, yeah, that works a lot. Tell us about like Broadway and musical theater and kind of like what like how that started for you.
SPEAKER_00:
Six years old, fell in love with Broadway. My parents, they had to have known I was gay. I was standing on the fireplace mantle. I know. I know. I know. Singing Mary Poppins, and I had an entire crowd of on record. I am an 80s kid. And my whole family watched and supported, and I’ve never known anything but support. So they they pushed me into the arts and I fell in love with Broadway.
David:
Yeah, we’re not talking about original Broadway cast recording. We’re talking about Dick Van Dyke movie on an album. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Although I do have a really cool connection to the original Broadway cast. Tell us. I worked for Disney for 20 years, and they would take their Broadway shows and they would film a scene of their Broadway show in front of the castle at Disney for their Christmas parade to what is it called? Synergy to sell the tickets to the Broadway show. So they brought the leads because that’s what they could afford to put on a plane, the four leads Gavin, Ashley, and the two kids, whatever their names were.
Gavin:
The only thing that Disney could Afford to do was just fly four people there.
SPEAKER_00:
Four people, not the whole cast, but they have this cast of equity performers at the parks, and so they always cast these dancers. The original choreographer, forgive me, I don’t remember his name, of and he’ll kill me when he listens to this, of Mary Poppins wanted real people. So he wanted them to look like workers, and then we popped out and got to dance the super caliph number in front of the castle. And so, as stupid as that sounds, a Disney flash mob that my dream country was all of the yeah, oh yeah, because I got to audition for a Broadway choreographer as a 400-pound dance miner, and I got to in front of millions of people got to do what I was trained to do.
David:
I love that. I love that you’re a big girl dancer because I went my very first semester in college, they didn’t have a musical theater department. And I was like, well, I guess I’m a modern dance or ballet major now. And so my fat ass would, like literally on a bike in my tights at 7 a.m., would bike to the ballet class. And I was like the like dancer that didn’t look like a dancer because all the other guys fit, thin, beautiful. And I was like, you know, I wasn’t fat, but I was like, I was a chunky little stocky dude, right? Like I was, there’s a photo of me as a kid holding up a fish on my boat with no shirt on, and it it looks like I’m like a like an ice cream comb melting slowly. Like you just have this like cascading fat. It’s delicious. But I I loved it.
SPEAKER_00:
I was fat and I look like a garbage bag filled with jello. Look at us. I I wasn’t deflated, there wasn’t anything melting. I was full. You were full of joy.
David:
But that I I no joke, I credit my body to being part of why I was successful in musical theaters because I could dance, but I did not look like all the other dancers. And I think that made me at least slightly more regular looking when they wanted that, right? Like, of course, like 42nd Street, those shows that was like, we want, you know, 5’11 and 160 pounds. Like, I was not gonna fit into that. But a lot of the shows I got to perform in were like shows where they wanted a little bit of diversity. So it was actually kind of nice. But and certainly not to talk shit about dancers.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, let’s do it. It’s something a little bit more authentic when you cast an actor who can dance in a dance track. A hundred dance. So when we’re in a chorus, we bring that to life as opposed to the perfection of a dancer. And that is anytime I see a show and it’s dancer dancer, I feel like that’s missing. And I don’t want to talk shit about any gay dads on here who do all that shit, but there are a few that I’m like, well, that’s not real. That’s not authentic.
David:
You know, I will say, I’m gonna toot my own horn a little bit. When I direct um shows, I always actively try to find dancers that are big. I try to find big dancers. Or obviously I want diversity, but I always want diversity and body shape because I it is one of the few things that people don’t do when they think about diversity. They diversity in race, diversity in age, sometimes gender, obviously. I don’t think they often think about diversity in body shape. So I directed Mama Mia like four years ago in um Los Angeles, and I actively told everyone on the team and I actively put on the thing, like looking for dancers who are not just the traditional dancer shape. And of course, some people just ignore that and they just don’t come. But I cast a few and I it these people were incredible, and they were getting to do these dance, dance, dance tracks, not just like step touching in the background, but like actual, like like shablams, and it made it so much more interesting, and like you were saying, Ben, so much more real, which I think is like the culture of what people want in theater now. Is they want to feel like there’s some sort of realism there.
SPEAKER_00:
That’s because we’re when you go to Greece, you don’t see just this and white people, you see the whole barrage. No, that’s what drives me crazy. I just saw Back to the Future, and it’s like all skinny, thin.
Gavin:
I there are there are at least we’re taking we’re taking steps back to the past.
David:
But that’s the past been. The show takes place in the past. The future was in the past. Isn’t wasn’t the like the future of the original movie in 2018 or something like that? 2015. Oh, 2015, yeah. We’ve already passed it. So their future is already the past.
Gavin:
Um so Disney, Disney has certainly been on the forefront of uh actual diversity, I would say, in their casting, and which was and how awesome that you got to uh perform there in all the capacities that you did. And what did you do there for those 20 years that you worked there?
SPEAKER_00:
I was in a show hired out of New York City called the Hoop De Doo Review, and it’s technically the longest-running show in States. America. Yeah. Oh wow. In 1974, they opened, and the only time that they took a small break was during COVID. And the show has changed a little bit here and there, and people were like, oh, the Fantastics this and the Fantastics that, but the Fantastics closed and then opened and then closed, and now it’s closed.
Gavin:
So we were And is the Hoop to Do review this the one that takes place, like what is it the equivalent in LA? I mean, the Florida one is the equivalent in LA as the the uh the horseshoe review.
SPEAKER_00:
No, there was so the golden horseshoe in Disneyland, and then here in Orlando, it’s called the Diamond Horseshoe, and now it’s just the Diamond Horseshoe, it’s so sad. It’s just a spillover of the buffet next door. Oh no, it’s really sad. And the entertainment option is a oh, I wish. That sounds amazing. No, it’s roast turkey and stuffing, and the entertainment option is now just a player piano that they have pre-programmed. Listen, everybody’s on a budget. It doesn’t matter that your vacation costs seven grand. Yeah, you’re getting a pre-programmed piano. That’s what you’re getting.
David:
And a lot of people don’t realize. So Actors Equity Association, which we talked to a little bit about your name, is the kind of the union that represents stage actors and stage managers. So Broadway tour, stuff like that. But it also Disney Parks, those actors and those shows are on a different contract of equity. So those are also professional members of the actors’ union. A lot of people don’t realize that, that it’s the same union for the Broadway folks as it is in the Disney Park shows and even some of like the parades and stuff, like like a lot of the performers are on equity contracts, right?
SPEAKER_00:
Since the 90s. And what’s crazy about that is we’re scaled to Broadway, right? So when we retire, you let’s say you’ve done 40 years at Disney and you’ve worked every single week at Disney. You when you retire, your your retirement package is based off of how many weeks you’ve worked. You’ve worked 52 weeks for 40 years, as opposed to Broadway, where the only people who’ve worked that long were in Wicked or Phantom.
David:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
And it’s wild. We’ve seen those shows close.
David:
Oh, yeah. I had to do a I had for for whatever financial reason, I had to call SDC, which is the stage directors union, and ask them if I retired today, what would my pension be? And they had to send me a formal letter. It was$24 a month. It was$24 a month. And you know what I said? That’s Chipotle with guac motherfuckers. I will take it to the bank. So enough about this. You’re a dad and you’re a gay dad. So please tell us how did you become a dad?
SPEAKER_00:
So in 2015, we were getting married. It became legal in Florida in January. We were set to marry in April. And then maybe it became legal in June of 2014 here in the state of Florida, but it became legal federally in 2015. So we had a real wedding, everyone came, it was legal, and then things started just falling into place. And we we bought our house, we realized we could adopt, and we put ourselves out there. And in 2017, we were chosen by a birth mother. And at the same time we were chosen, I was cast as Edna in Hairspray here at the Dr. Phillips Performing Arts Center. The what? Oh the Dr. Phillips Performing Arts Center. Dr. Phillips, got it. I heard Dr. Phil, go on. Listen, the Dr. Phil Center is amazing. You haven’t lived until you’ve done a show with Dr. Phillips.
David:
That isn’t with a silent. Cash me outside. No, Dr. Pahil.
SPEAKER_00:
But what a lot a lot of people want to talk smack unless you’re on Broadway. But the Dr. Phillips Performing Arts Center is 3,000 seats. Wow. And some of them make it.
David:
That’s bigger than all the all Brawlby theaters except for Radio Center. All of them. Yeah. That’s the only one.
SPEAKER_00:
So I was, I do have a small following, and I think that’s why they cast me. Because at the end of the day, we did sell out the run. But it was a dream role with a hair and makeup team, a costume team, a full orchestra, which even on Broadway isn’t happening anymore.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
And before I were to become a parent, I wanted to check that off my list. And I know that sounds so selfish. No, not at all. And I was going to quit. I was going to quit and not accept the job. And my husband and I sat up one night and he said, Listen, if you quit, who gets the job? And I said, Well, the understudy would be upgraded. And then and he said, Well, if you have to leave the show to go to be a dad who would take the role, the understudy. So we decided, oh, let’s just do it. Her due date and the closing date were the same fucking day.
Gavin:
Of course they fucking were.
SPEAKER_00:
And so what I did was I put her actual birth date, 728, on post-it notes, all around the house. And I would go around the house and I would kiss them like they were mezuzas. And I know that sounds so stupid, but you like put out into the universe what you want. Sure. I mean, secret to life, baby. Right? Yes, 100%. And the last day of the show, I’m sitting in full hair and makeup. Everything’s done.
David:
Just a grown-ass man in a dress. Yep. Completely.
SPEAKER_00:
Like you sh as Edna. I know a lot of drag queens like shave everything. You have to shave seconds before they put everything on. Otherwise, you look like a man in drag. And they wanted me as a woman. I was sitting in costume, ready to go, and the phone rings, and it’s the birth mother. And I shit my panties. Yeah. And I have this whole image of myself like running to the hospital in hair and makeup. And who the hell are you? I’m the fucking mother. You know, the whole thing. And none of that happened. She was bored. She hadn’t given birth yet. And she just wanted it out.
David:
And you’re like, bitch, any day but right now.
Gavin:
Like literally any day but now. She had to have known. Like you, you were kissing your mazuzas, and she knew that you were having a show that.
SPEAKER_00:
No, no. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. When it comes to adoption, I feel like you do whatever the fuck it takes to make that relationship mother-centered.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
I she had no idea I was even in a show. When I answered that phone, she had no idea that I was 20 minutes to be on stage as a woman. No idea. I talked her down off the ledge. Also, this sounds like I’m a saint. I’m not. I’m not a saint. But she had nobody in her corner. We went to the doctor’s appointments with her. We did everything with her. And she needed somebody to talk to, and I was gonna fucking be there. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
And guess what? I know this sounds so stupid because who knows what can happen. I want my daughter in such a good headspace that I still do it today. Six years later, we still have a good relationship with her mom because I think that’s best for everybody.
Gavin:
Yeah, absolutely. Why shouldn’t you? Uh I mean, families. Wait, listen, we are all in the privileged position of making the family that we want and that we want for our kids and everything. And she should be in the uh the family. So good. Good for you. Sorry about it. So wait, was she born that night?
SPEAKER_00:
Your daughter? No. No. So the show closes when this gets a little emotional, but it’s the birth of your kid. So when the orchestra starts playing dun dun da, my husband told me later that he broke down and he is not a crier. I’ve I’ve seen him cry four times because we made it. No matter what, two hours later, we’re going to the hospital, even if she was born during intermission. So the show ends. My best friend was in town. We put him on a plane. We brought my dog to my parents and we drove to Detroit. And a few days later, we were dads. And it was amazing. And a lot of people think that we set up the video of our daughter being born. It went pretty viral. But what they don’t know is that the nurse who is tagged in the video grabbed our phone and didn’t tell us why. We also didn’t know we were about to see our kid. All we knew is that mom was rushed in a surgery and nobody was allowed in there. And the next thing, we were holding our baby, and it was unbelievable. It was indescribable. I mean, you’ve all been there. So you know what that’s like.
Gavin:
But we And this nurse caught a genuine moment on your phone and was uh and was a beautiful thing that luckily touched the hearts of millions.
SPEAKER_00:
And and hurt a lot of other people too. I want to full disclosure, there there was one lady was like, and then the fat man proceeded to eat the baby, and then a lot of conservative yes, 100%. Uh could you imagine spending 40 grand for a supper?
Gavin:
Your creative comeback is is even more clever. Can you imagine spending 40,000 on dinner? That’s on dinner.
SPEAKER_00:
I just can’t, I mean, seriously. But but there were there’s been a lot of hate. The conservatives took that video and said, Can you imagine this being normal? And what’s what’s wild to me is that my daughter is she is so astronomically smart. This is what her mom wanted, her mom still wants. So that is the party of anti-abortion, but they also are anti-adoption. So which is it? I can’t figure out family values. Right. We eat dinner around the table every single night. We have a great relationship with her parents, her mom, and her biological family. We have a great relationship with my family. We are accepted by all of our neighbors. I I can’t understand.
David:
But all of that aside, this is what frustrates me about all of that. Listen, we’re all on the same page about this. We’re all just preaching to the choir. But what really frustrates me is that you don’t have to be a great dad. You don’t have to be a perfect dad. You don’t have to have all of those accolades to prove your worth to be a dad. You should deserve to be a dad, period. Not because you’re perfect and you eat dinner and you have a great family and you did all the right things. You’re not allowed to fail as a gay parent because then that’s the reason that you shouldn’t. It’s just so frustrating that we have to have these like perfect parenting. That’s why I I we we shit on a lot of the kind of Instagram gay families and how perfect and magical they look. But I think there’s a pressure that, like, if we don’t do that, then we don’t deserve to have a kid, which is so fucking annoying.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, I get I get pissed off at a lot of these gay dads because I take my shirt off at the beach and I don’t have a six-pack. And I post those pictures because it’s me with my fucking kid, and I’m proud to be at the beach with my kid because I love my kid. But I’ve got tits. And like we did this gaze with kids vacation last year. Actually, we’ve done both years, and they’re doing another year, and I kind of want to talk shit about it, but I don’t because I don’t want them to hate me. But they they’re so expensive, and I’m literally getting a second job to afford it so my kid can continue living like a millionaire’s daughter. And we’re not, we’re barely middle class, man.
Gavin:
And there’s lots of assumptions about um the idea that all gay parents and families are wealthy, and in reality, the vast majority are not. That’s what we see on TV, that’s what we see in New York City, that’s what we see in the pottery pottery barn catalog.
David:
I mean, I know I’m wealthy, so I don’t want to like I don’t want this to like shadow this conversation that like my immense wealth.
SPEAKER_00:
But um Yeah, I mean, that$24 Chipotle once a month.
David:
Listen, that’s a pension, motherfuckers. How many pensions do you have? Wait, but like the the the this is something I I feel like we unfairly shit on them a lot on this show, but I also don’t because this this perfect, classy, high-key, fully staged props, everything, these Instagram accounts of this gay parenting life, that is, if you’re actually raising your kids, does not exist. It just doesn’t exist. And which is why we started this podcast.
SPEAKER_00:
There are a lot of gay dads who are perfect and they have these amazing brand deals. And I have brand deals. I mean, I do, but so far this year, I’ve made$12,000 in brand deals. And as of right now, that’s it. Yeah. And we’re almost done for the year. That’s not a full-time job. Right.
David:
That’s nine months later. So yeah, and so I get the pressures of them. You know, they’re like they have these six-figure brand deals, they got to do it. But what frustrates me is that not that they have to represent gay parents, but like that is not the the real vision of a gay parent. And I think people can look at that and go, oh, that’s what gay parenting listen to your point, Gavin. That looks very rich, that looks very wealthy. All they do is travel, all they do is work out, all they do is take these gorgeous photo shoots with their kids who are wearing the nicest clothes. My kid wears stained clothes 100% of the time because they are from two people. Somebody handed them down to my friend, and then my friend gave them to me, and then I will give them to another person.
SPEAKER_00:
David, I I’m not lying, just to fit in with you. Everything Charlotte wears has been a handmade. Always. Since for six years.
David:
It’s the only way to be a parent. Because we all wear those clothes once, maybe twice, and then they go away. Give it to the next person. Yeah. Yeah. And it shows your values too.
Gavin:
So that’s I have bring it on. Bring it on. Well, you’re being both environmental and social justice related.
SPEAKER_00:
I know we didn’t talk about this before we started the podcast, after we started the podcast, but my grandparents were Holocaust survivors. And when it comes to being cheap, I will fully admit I am cheap. But it’s it’s because of where I came from. My grandparents made something out of nothing, and I’m doing the same thing. Now, granted, when I make something out of nothing, it is very specific. I want to go on that gaze with kids vacation that I that I can’t afford, but we don’t have debt. And so when we want to do something like that, we pay for it in cash.
David:
So are you comparing um using coupons at the grocery store to the Holocaust? Is that one? I’m getting that, right? 100%. Cool. Well, so speaking, well, so speaking of, you have a cooking show that you do on Oh, it’s not going to be speaking of the Holocaust. But you do a cooking show on your account, and you were telling me in the pre-interview that you spend$100 a week on groceries for a family of three. This week, how is that fucking possible?$80.
Gavin:
How cannot believe it.
SPEAKER_00:
Is that just Costco? No, we’re just planning. Here’s the thing: it’s it’s all planning, coupons, and deals. I do not buy anything full price. Okay. Not a thing. And if I do buy something full price, I have like a 10 off of 50 coupon. And that’s where that comes in. Now, Costco sounds great, but you have to buy these giant portions. I am into not buying giant portions. I bought this week my big thing, three pounds of Smithfield ham for$7. Okay. Three pounds. Wow. That’s good. Alright, to buy three pounds. Yeah. But that will last us two weeks. I stick a half a pound and a half in the fridge for lunches, and then a pound and a half goes in the freezer. And that’s how I save. I go through three different grocers every single week. Wow. And that’s how I save my money.
David:
Sometimes I’ll watch like extreme couponing on TLC with my jaw agape, not because I’m like wowed, but more because like I’m so jealous. Like I want to buy 42. Of Mountain Dew for 80 cents. I want to get paid to leave the store with this stuff. I love that show. I know that’s not what you’re doing, but I watch that show and I’m like, these people spent eight hours and they just spent$2,000 on groceries and paid no money. How much time does the planning take?
SPEAKER_00:
It’s a lot. It’s a lot. But this is usually while my husband is watching TV and I pretend to be watching TV. I’m like scrolling on my phone. Or I do still gig. Every once in a blue moon, I gig. I usually gig on Saturdays because that’s a day. And that will be a day where I just like go through all of the ads and figure out everything for the week. And that’s when I do all my planning.
David:
You’re amazing.
Gavin:
And it’s all Publix related, right? As in like getting your e-coupons to shop at Publix. Do you like the Florida reference? I feel very proud of that.
David:
In fact, I wonder if it’s still in my pocket. Wait, can you afford Publix? Aren’t you a Win Dixie family? Like what’s happening?
SPEAKER_00:
I’m a huge Win Dixie family, but listen to this Publix accepts competitor coupons. Oh, bitch.
David:
I’m there. Wendy’s uh yeah, Win Dixie coupons at the Publix. There we’re there we go.
SPEAKER_00:
I go to Win Dixie, I type in my phone number, I type in my dad’s phone number, they print out all the coupons, and then I go to Publix, right? So this is totally makes me look like a piece of shit, but I don’t care. So today I go to Win Dixie, I print, type in my number, I print it out, and I didn’t see the coupon I wanted. And then I type in my dad’s number and I print it out. There was a four off 40 coupon. So I use that today at Win Dixie, but I didn’t put it in the slot because I’m gonna use it again next week at Publix.
David:
Oh snap! I hope the head of Wendy Win Dixie and uh Publix is not listening to this podcast because then you’re actually I hope they do, and let’s become a scandal.
Gavin:
Can we go viral off of negative haters like you originally went at Equity Ben? Please help us out.
David:
But wait, we we are running out of time, which makes me crazy because I want to talk to you for another six hours, but I want to make sure we talk about some things that you’ve made, which is your cooking show, which you do, which on is called Any Schmuck Can Cook, and then also you wrote a book, right? I did. Okay, tell us about it.
SPEAKER_00:
I did. So my cooking show is on Mondays and Thursdays, and you can tune in and watch it in my Instagram stories. It’s the circle, and it’ll be read, and you click it, and you can watch it in full, just like a TV show.
David:
I like I feel like you’re telling my mom how Instagram Live works. Yeah, well, some people are. Just like a TV show, Nana.
SPEAKER_00:
I know. It’s people are stupid. In fact, I just did a thing. Who who’s excited about my stand-up show coming back? And everybody said yes, except my dad. My dad, who’s following four people, and my husband isn’t one of those people.
David:
And your dad, whose coupon number you’re you’re using.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, he’s finally reached the retirement age where he doesn’t need to use coupons all the time. He still does it because he loves to fuck over corporations. Oh, yeah. He’s not rich. I mean, he is rich, but he’ll never spend the money. He never will. Yeah. Because he’s also the son of, you know, he’s the son born in Poland of Holocaust survivors. So like I’m I don’t know if it’s getting worse. I actually think it’s getting worse. I think I’m cheaper than my parents. But uh hopefully my daughter will be a normal person and not.
Gavin:
Well, actually, I would say getting better also. I mean, this is a lost art, and you are you are, you know, putting a hat on a hat and getting better and better with each generation. I hope Charlotte is an even better coupon click than that.
SPEAKER_00:
I mean, I’ve read fuck her over. According to the numbers, we’re in a worse place economically than we were in the Great Depression. Yeah. And I just don’t want my life to change. And so I figured out a way to continue my life as a stay-at-home dad without a full-time job.
David:
But wait, so everyone is gonna be bargained. Everyone’s gonna follow you at Equity Ben to watch your show Mondays and Thursdays, any schmuck and cook. But tell us about the book you wrote.
SPEAKER_00:
I wrote a book called Goody Ben Makes Lemonade. And I used to have a copy sitting right here, but I forgot my daughter did show and tell, so it’s actually at school right now. Nice! And I did it. I well, and it’s a gay book, and she’s reading it in Florida.
David:
So and fucking test. Hopefully by a drag queen, and then you have like the turduccin of yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
That would be amazing that would be super amazing. Anyway, for the first year of COVID, I had a lot of young fans who would come and see me at Disney, and during COVID, they couldn’t see me at Disney, Disney anymore. And so every single night for a full year, I did what was called a hashtag Ben Time Story, where I would read a kid’s book. And on the very last night, I debuted my children’s book that was illustrated by a local artist who also had lost their job because of COVID, blah, blah, blah.
David:
Was it Matt Gates?
SPEAKER_00:
It was.
David:
Oh wow, that’s so nice. I’m glad you guys partnered up. I feel like you’re reaching across the aisle. By Matt Gates. Well, listen, allegedly. I mean, if we started with a Holocaust, we’re gonna end with child trafficking. That’s how we like to do interviews here on Gay Charks. Um, Ben, we’re obsessed with you. Come back a hundred times. Um, thank you for joining us and demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast.
SPEAKER_00:
I love it. And don’t forget, all gay dads are a little stupid.
David:
So my something great is very New York City centric, um, but it’s great. There is this weird culture that has kind of developed with so I take a bus into the city. So there’s like obviously there’s the subways, but I live a little further out into New Jersey. So we take a bus, and the bus takes me from my neighborhood all the way into Manhattan. And there is this culture of being really nice to your bus driver when you get on and off. Where 100% of the people, when they get off the bus, goes, Thank you. Have a great day. Everyone thanks the bus driver. Uh, my husband brought this to my attention. And then say thing when they go on and be like, Hey, how you doing? The meanest, most disgusting New Yorkers are kind to the bus drivers. I don’t know why, but it is such a great culture that it’s just like we all kind of have just agreed to be nice to these people when we get off the bus. So that is my something great this week.
Gavin:
That’s I’m impressed that uh people do that. I this is a surprise to me. I have to admit, it’s a surprise. So, my something great is I uh so school has started fairly recently. Um, and it is great to have the kids back in rhythm. I mean, frankly, that could be my something great right then and there. But I was uh I did get a message from my um my son’s teacher from last year, where we have now moved in, we’ve decided that we’re gonna take a relationship to the next level, which is we’re going to text each other cat videos and jokes and whatnot. And she sent me and yes, and she sent me a picture of her drinking coffee from the first morning from a mug from uh that was given to her by my son. And she said, she said that he will always be with me. And now I’m excited that we can curse at each other and send cat videos as friends who are no longer teacher parent relations. So when you get in with your kid’s teacher, you’re like, that that is something great, frankly. That is great.
David:
And that is our show. If you have any comment, suggestions, or general compliments for David, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
I check that email once in a while too, so they can have some comments for me, okay? Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM VaughnEverywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge in cat videos.
David:
Please leave us a glowing five-star review wherever you get your podcasts.
Gavin:
Thanks, and we’ll cruise you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.