Full Transcript
Oh, back to school, back to school, to prove to dad that I’m not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight. I hope I don’t get in a fight. Oh, back to school, back to school, back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
David:
And this is Gatriarch. It’s school time. It’s our back to school episode, Gavin. Are you so excited?
Gavin:
I am still I have been really good this summer at being in summer mode. And so I think I am in less denial about school happening again because I’m like, no, no, no. I was I was in the mode. I was mindful about summer. So let’s get back to school and get me my rhythm and get my kids out of my hair for at least a budgeted seven hours a day or whatever it is. Yeah, okay, let’s do it.
David:
So let’s do it. So quickly before we start, I wanted to say the inspiration for this episode, for this special back to school episode, was from our listener.
Gavin:
And our Our listener, finally, where we’re gonna reveal our listeners.
David:
Our listener reached out and said, Hey, are you gonna love the show? Are you gonna do a back to school episode? And I was like, we don’t prepare as as nearly as much as you think we do, but that is a great idea.
Gavin:
For the confidence. That is a great idea.
David:
So today’s episode is gonna be all about back to school. Our goal is by the end of this episode for you to have learned absolutely nothing. Nothing and have no skills whatsoever to bring with you to your child’s first day of school.
Gavin:
But you gotta have goals of some sort, and we I I think we will fulfill our goal today.
David:
Absolutely. So let’s start. So, Gabin, how do you think about getting ready for school? I want to put it some context. If we if you’re a first-time listener, please don’t ever listen to the show. Please delete it immediately from your podcast manager. But Gabin has kids, you have a what 13 and 11?
Gavin:
Uh almost. 11 and 12 years old.
David:
11 and 12-year-old. I have a now five and two-year-old. So we are at the opposite ends of the spectrum of school. I have never ever had a kid in school. This is my first year, but Gavin has. So, Gavin, how do you prepare for school?
Gavin:
I don’t. Okay. I uh, you know, my life is general um sprinting chaos to just keep up with the day. And no, I I I definitely wake up on the first day of school and think, oh my God, I haven’t done this, this, this, this, and this, and this. But also, through the beauty of social media and the frenzy of parenting blogging out there, I don’t think I’m the only one who wakes up in a panic, you know, in a flop sweat, thinking, oh my god, here we go. And you already feel like you’re, you know, uh an hour behind.
David:
But the beauty of the internet, by the way, Gavin, what did you text me when I said I’m ready to record? What did you text me, speaking of the beauty of the internet?
Gavin:
Still pouring coffee and looking at uh uh at bearded studs.
David:
At bearded studs.
Gavin:
Shout out, hey bearded studs. So these two bearded studs right here on this podcast that you aren’t seeing right now. Uh yeah, I the beauty of the internet lets me know that I’m not alone in the frenzy of back to school mornings. And for those who are just like on the back of the first morning of school, I do not believe you, and we aren’t friends, and you aren’t listening to this anyway. So I will talk smack for sure. Anyway, what do I do? Okay, I will say we take advantage, we try to take advantage of the back to school shopping the week before, because we’re in Connecticut, and I believe it’s the same same across the tri-state area, New York and New Jersey, that they have tax-free weeks for clothing, you know, up to a certain amount of so you can’t buy your kids, uh, you know, just buy your kids your their Louis Vuitton and their Gucci at any point of the year, you’re not gonna get tax off um for that. But anyway, we do tend to do that. We also have been in school districts where we don’t necessarily have to buy supplies here in Connecticut. So we don’t get that joy, honestly, of like getting crayons and getting glue and getting scissors and whatnot. Um, it’s all at the school. So um, and then when we were in New York, uh we our general shopping list was get us a bunch of paper towels and get us a bunch of Kleenex and just bring them in at some point during the year. And that lacked the the wonderful, happy vibes I still have from my childhood going to Target and getting my full supply.
David:
I totally remember that. I totally remember being a kid and with a little list and how fun. Speaking of, let’s talk about personal stories of first day of school. Do you have any that come to mind? I do. I yeah, I do. I will so and the little red schoolhouse on top of a hill. Yep. Yep.
Gavin:
Yep, but that was up on top of the hill, and hence the hill that I had to walk up hill two miles in the snow both ways, et cetera, et cetera. I I think most of my back to school memories are related to my clothes that day because of right. Always having new shoes that were a little uncomfortable because they hadn’t been broken in, having a new backpack that was also uncomfortable because it hadn’t been broken in, having crisp jeans that were uncomfortable. Yeah, we get it. But I will never forget the time in uh I do remember this preschool, my probably my last year of preschool before kindergarten, I got to wear overalls to school. And I had never, I mean, I didn’t remember wearing overalls. I’m sure I, you know, had Oshkoshes back in the 1930s because they had probably been invented then, right?
David:
After working in the copper mines, yeah.
Gavin:
Yep. And I uh I remember we all went to the bathroom as training down the hallway as you do, and I went pee in the little stall, and uh but I couldn’t get my overalls unbuckled because I had no experience doing it. And these were new buckles, and they were, you know, uh hard because they were new. And so I peed in my overalls and I peed my pants first day of school. And um, so my first day was absolutely ruined because I had wet pants on, and the teacher was like, Did you pee your pants? And I’m like, No. And she’s like, mm-hmm. So she had to take the pants off of me. I had to borrow somebody else’s pants, probably Dirk Patterson’s pants. And then, because the extra pants that maybe I didn’t have that day. Uh that part I’m blocking out. But I do remember running out of my first day of school, running to my mom, tears streaming down my face because I had peed my new overalls. That is a pretty vivid first day of school memory on my end.
David:
And look what happened. Look what it made, look what it turned you into. Um, mine is similarly embarrassing, but uh a little different. It was my first day of high school, and obviously, all eyes are on the freshman. You’re very, you know, you’re in high school now, you’re very nervous. I am not cool. Shocker to everyone out there. I was not a cool kid. And it was raining. I was in Florida, and I had decided I was going to wear brown bass dress shoes, white tube socks, green umbro shorts, and a white Bart Simpson t-shirt. This is the fashion that we were dealing with in 1995 in Florida. And so it was raining, and it was lunchtime, and so I was going through the line and I had my whatever and fries, and then there you have the big ketchup pumps. So I’m pumping, you know, an obscene amount of ketchup onto my plate, and I’m looking for an empty table because obviously I can’t sit with anybody because I’m not cool and I don’t know anybody. And I just do the cartoonyest thing in the world where I step on some water, my my dress shoes from bass shoot out from under me, and in a cartoon flip, my feet go over my head, my tray goes up in the sky, and I land on my back, and then ketchup rains all over me, and it’s right down center where everyone sees it. The whole thing stops and everyone starts screaming, laughing. And that was really embarrassing because you know, I’m setting the tone for the year, but also like this is not preschool where you can just change your clothes. I don’t have a cell phone to call mom. I don’t have extra clothes. So I am now Hester Prynn for the rest of the day, covered in my red scarlet letter, covered in ketchup, smelling like vinegar and sugar. It was just the most humiliating moment of my life.
Gavin:
Oh, that’s so that’s that’s how we look and look and here you are, letting out all of your PTSD and your baggage out on our podcast.
David:
Okay, so I think let’s move on. Well, we have we have talked about our trauma. Let’s move on. Um, you have some questions for me as a newbie going into school for the first time. You have some questions to ask me, and so go for it. I don’t I don’t know what you’re gonna ask me, but go for it.
Gavin:
First off, like, are you nervous about it? I mean, you’ve been we have been talking about this episode for quite a while now. You have brought it up a thousand times without actually exposing your anxiety about it, but do you have anxiety about the first day of school?
David:
I don’t have anxiety in anything beyond how I’m feeling for my son. Like I want him to not be terrified or bullied or all the things that maybe are gonna happen anyway. That part I’m very nervous about because my kid is very, he’s a little fragile, he’s very sensitive. And so I he’s very emotional. So I don’t uh it may happen either way, but I want it to go well for him. I want him to be excited. He is so far, so that’s the only thing I’m kind of nervous about as far as like different school, different drop-off, different rules, different things like that. I’m I’m annoyed by all of that in general, um, because my both of my kids go to the same building every day at the exact same time. And now I’m gonna have to double my pickup and drop-off commute.
Gavin:
Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness, princess problems, David. Okay. Now, what’s funny about this is this just shows how much character you have uh because I don’t care about your kid. What I want to know is what are you personally worried about in the sense of being ready on the first day of school for success? What worries you first?
David:
I’m just so cool, Gayvin. I don’t have any worries in the whole world. No, I I I I legitimately I it maybe it’s just because like our school, we’ve already been to an orientation, a parents’ orientation. It’s just down the street from us. So I’m not really worried. I guess, I guess one thing I’m I’m a little I have a little bit of anxiety about is that we have been in the preschool slash daycare program of ours for years and years and years. We know all of these kids by by their name. We know all of their parents. Their parents know us. I fully trust if I had to run outside, I could give one of these parents my kid. There’s just a built-in community there. All of that goes away. We literally, none of those kids are going to our kindergarten. And I’m worried that like these other parents aren’t gonna think I’m as cool as I really am. That’s my big worry is do they recognize how fucking amazing I am?
Gavin:
Yeah, and how I mean, humble and here to serve everybody else as you state that you are so cool. Well, maybe I’m exposing my underbell here because oh my goodness, I had so many anxieties. But nevertheless, what do you envision for packing your kids’ lunch the first day of school?
David:
I’m gonna pack his lunch exactly how I pack it now, which is where I have the I have these little plastic containers and they have like three sections. They have a main section and then two small sections. A bento. And so exactly kind of a bent. And what I’ll usually do is I’ll do one thing I know he likes and two aspirational things, right? Two things, one of like, you know, an a fruit and a vegetable he’s never tried before. And then knowing full well that we’ll come home, I also give him the the you know the cheese sandwich or whatever he wants. So my envision is to continue that going on, but I know that what’s coming is that there will be more social influence to be like, why can’t I have the blank? Right now he doesn’t question it. Right now, whatever’s in his food he either eats or doesn’t, but he doesn’t ask me for anything specific. That’s nice.
Gavin:
Uh what about uh do you did did you have to buy any supplies to be ready?
David:
There is a supply list and it’s like cliche as it sounds. It’s crayons and paper and and scissors and you know, I don’t know. And have you already done that? No, no. Oh, okay. I have not even looked at that list, but I am excited.
Gavin:
School starts tomorrow, right? Aren’t we releasing this episode? No, our school starts late.
David:
Uh our school starts uh in the second week of September. Our school starts late.
Gavin:
Have you already received a bunch of emails from the school about this, that, and the other? A hundred emails.
David:
They have like a portal, um, but it’s like bus, you know, bus registration and and free lunch applications and um uh ID badge applications and all the things. Yes, it’s it’s like signing, it’s like joining the RB.
Gavin:
Yeah, a hundred percent. And then this will change your daily schedule. How are you gonna be managing that schedule? I dread drop off first.
David:
I dread it so much because in my town, although it’s a small town, kindergarten is on one far end of it, and my daycare is literally on the opposite far end of it. And so we’re doing aftercare, so it’s gonna be, I don’t, I have I literally have no idea. I don’t know who I’m gonna pick up first, if that kid is gonna be mad that and then I have to bring that kid into the next building to pick up the second kid. It’s just I I maybe I’ll just not maybe I’ll just not have my kids go to school because it’s really inconvenient for me, honestly.
Gavin:
You and listener think that my life is chaos, but what I am hearing you saying is that you have not actually had the because you’re so cool, you haven’t gone down the rabbit hole of anxiety about all of these choices that need to be made, especially to adapt to drop-up and pickup. Right.
SPEAKER_09:
Okay, well, all right.
David:
I’m right now I’m spoiled because our daycare, both of my kids go to the same building, and the building is attached to my gym. So if I go to work out, I drop the kids off. Like everything happens in the same place.
Gavin:
You said, you said exactly basically what I was gonna call you out on. So thank you for your self-awareness that you are so spoiled that this is completely uninteresting because you, your kid has been going to school since they were two or younger. Yep. This is not exactly like you’ve had your kid home and you’ve been dealing like all of the the mommy bloggers and the some of the daddy bloggers that we see there on Instagram talking about how horrendous their days are. You sit around and drink aparroll sprites and eat bonbons all day long. That’s exactly what I do.
David:
Um, before we move on to the next segment, I want to ask you some questions. Please. Because you are my elder. I’m full of it. You are you are my elder, you are my inspiration. Yeah, you’re the meaning in my life. Um, I just really have two questions.
Gavin:
Okay.
David:
Right now, at daycare, we get an app. And in the app, there will be photos of your kid doing things. It’ll say, Hey, next week we’re doing a blah, blah, blah. They’ll be like, here’s a picture of your kid holding an alligator or whatever. When I pick up my kid from daycare and I say, Hey, what’d you do today? Nothing. Yeah, of course. Bitch, you held an alligator. An alligator. Oh, yeah, I held an alligator. So my question to you is, Gavin, now that my kid’s gonna be in kindergarten and I’m not gonna get photos every day and this constant communication, how do I get my child to tell me what happened at school?
Gavin:
First of all, I think you’ll worry about this for two days, and then by Christmas, you’ll be like, Oh yeah, what did you do this semester? And you will not have thought about it again because you will find so much meaning in your life from all of the other things you’re doing, like, you know, writing television shows and producing a podcast. Uh it is okay. I do think I think I’ve talked about this before that when we sit down at dinner, we try to do it together as a family, and we basically go through what was what was something good, something bad, something weird that happened at school. And rather than asking yes or no questions, you always have to avoid yes or no questions. So make them fill in the details. You gotta invest some time in it because obviously the first three questions will just be grunts, and then after that, they might actually be forthcoming. But listen, we deal with this all the time. You know, some suddenly the other day, my we were like trying to say, What did you do at your sleepaway camp? And it was basically nothing or yeah, it was fun. Okay, what did you do? You know, the same stuff. And then suddenly three days later, it was, oh, by the way, Emmett held an alligator while we were at camp. And I’m like, why didn’t you tell us that last week? That seems pretty significant that somebody held an alligator. But we will often say, who was everybody at school today? And that prompts sometimes like who was sick, who was gone, and how that affected the classroom. And then also basically, did anybody throw up today? And because especially in those early elementary years, somebody’s barfing all the time. And when you’re lucky, it’s somebody barfing on somebody else, which is hilarious. That’s a good story. And we still have we still have funny stories about my kid who who one kid barfed in his mask during COVID and sprayed all over his face. And then the the other time years ago, when one kid barfed on the other kid, the et cetera, et cetera. So I think the main thing is keep at it and ask the non-yes or no questions and just uh keep asking questions and get them in the habit of talking. Because guess what? It it doesn’t get better, it just gets worse.
David:
Well, speaking of questions, this is my last question to you before we move on to our next segment. And my question is if I find out a kid is bullying my kid, what is the best way to get back at that kid?
Gavin:
You don’t mean constructively saying, hey, no, no, no, no, no.
David:
I mean like, how do I, how do I but, you know, uh introduce um doubt in their parents’ relationships to cause a divorce? How do I put do I put sugar in their gas tank? Do I light their house on fire? Like, what is the best way to get back at a child’s family that has bullied my child?
Gavin:
Definitely public posting on social media. Um go down there, go down a rabbit hole of their, all of their tweets and posts and everything, take snap, but you know, take uh screen caps and you know, do the whole fixed it and you know, uh edit their posts and that kind of thing.
David:
Should I should I log into one of their parents’ Instagram accounts and then comment from their account on like hot girl accounts and be like, you’re so much more beautiful than my wife, and just let let that ball roll down the hill?
Gavin:
Not to mention bearded studs as well, and make sure, make sure that both of the parents are both um commenting greatly on theirs.
David:
Have the dad follow like a hundred gay porn accounts in a day. And yeah, yeah, no, that sounds really good. That’s really good, helpful.
Gavin:
These are some of the most constructive ways of doing it, yes. Absolutely. Um, anyway, I mean, lunches, man. I guess I’m not bringing anything to this podcast. Not that I ever do that. Yeah, that was a really entertaining point of lunch exciting.
David:
But you know what is really entertaining? Do tell. It is not our top three list because we’re not doing a top three list this week, and we’re not doing dad hacks because we reached out to our former guests, or a we have the best guests of any podcast ever. They are the only people with demean themselves? Yeah, absolutely.
Gavin:
Demean themselves, none of them are listeners, but that’s that’s okay.
David:
But the thing is, is that they are people who actually have helpful information, and we are obviously just fucking clowns at this point. So I reached out to our former guests and I said, Hey, what is your like number one back to school hack? And we got some amazing responses. We got some helpful ones, we got some bullshit ones, we got some people who didn’t even read the question, and guess what? You’re gonna hear them all. So, we without further ado, here is our former, some of our favorite former guests of Gate Yarcs and their number one back to school hacks.
SPEAKER_05:
Hi, this is Ben, aka Equity Ben. I’m from episode 31, and my back to school hack is get to Carline early, bring some earplugs, a face mask, and take. A freaking nap. Trust me, it’s life-changing.
SPEAKER_03:
Hey, it’s Christopher Catisse, QSalt Lakes Who’s Your Daddy from episode 70. And my back to school hat is try not to look overjoyed when you realize the little bastards are going to be out of your house for six hours a day. That, and before you go shopping, have a discussion with the kids about what they want and what they need. There’s a good chance that that backpack from last year is still good for another year. Also, try to buy a couple of outfits that are a size or two larger so that the kids can debut their new fits later on in the school year.
SPEAKER_13:
Hello, hello. My name is Dr. Evan Goldstein from episode number 34, and my back to school hack is get into a good routine with anal dilators. People think you can go from nothing to something big, especially in the beginning of the year. The answer is dilation. I started a company called Future Method. It’s all about science of sex, and our glass dilators, small, medium, and large, into a cone allows you to get back into the groove, making sure that you’re able to take what you want, when you want, with whomever you want, as long as there’s consent. Enjoy the year.
SPEAKER_17:
Hi, my name is Lorian McKenna, and I was on episode five of the Amazing Gatriarchs podcast. And my back to school hack is that my kid doesn’t go back to school for another month after Labor Day, which actually kind of blows because it means I have to figure out shit for her to do for like four weeks. And so far what we’ve come up with is um that she watches YouTube. Okay, thanks. Bye.
SPEAKER_16:
Hi, this is Sloane Just from episode seven, Lucky Number Seven, and I have a back-to-school hack. So you know how on the first day of school your kids get dressed in a cute outfit that you’ve like previously planned with them, and you want to get a picture of them on that day, like looking perfect, ready to go, and so you can always have it for the first day of whatever grade they’re in. But it always ends in tears and disaster because it’s the first day you’re all getting used to the new schedule and you’re trying to get them out the door, but you’re nervous and they’re nervous, and it’s a new teacher and a new maybe a new building, and everybody’s a mess. After many fails, we changed our tradition and we take a picture on day two of school instead of the first day because you know what? No one’s gonna fucking know. And that can be your memory of the first day of school, and you can distribute it to the grandparents and post and do whatever you want, and no one is gonna know that it’s actually day two because by that day you’ve all calmed down and you have your shit together. Anyway, happy back to school season.
SPEAKER_00:
Hello, my name is Caitlin. I’m a lesbian mom, and I was on episodes 24 and 55. Here’s my back to school hack. So if you’re a boy mom and have no idea what your kids should wear, dress them like a tiny lesbian. Not only will they be the most stylish kid in the room, but they will also dominate in sports, furniture, building, and U-Haul driving. Follow me for more diecks.
SPEAKER_06:
Hi, Craig Ramsey here. I’m proud to say I was the guest on Gatriarch’s first podcast episode. All parents out there know the end of summer vacation into the new school year for the kids can be a difficult transition. I find a great way to shift the energy from dread to joy and positivity is by searching together with your child for the perfect new school backpack, one with lots of compartments and style. This has the potential to get that child excited and inspired to stay organized for the fresh new school year. There are so many options in stores and online to find a perfect backpack, so I’m certainly not setting you up for failure here. It’s safe to get the kids hyped up about this because it’s likely you will become a parental hero when you find that perfect match. Hope this tip helps.
SPEAKER_18:
Hi, this is Saida from episode 77, and my back to school hack is make sure that you have extra water bottles and lunch boxes because there’s a good chance that the ones you literally just bought don’t even make it through the first two weeks of school.
SPEAKER_01:
Hi, this is Zoe Kors from episode 12, and here is my back to school hack. I loved to plan an outing or a special dinner or even an ice cream cone after school and to let the kids know up front that we were going to be doing this afterwards so that they could look forward to some quality time with mom. And um, for my daughter, she was super anxious. She hated the first day of school. My son loved the first day of school, but especially with my daughter, um, it gave her something to look forward to and knowing that she would have that anchor in her comfort zone with mom at the end of the day. Um, all she had to do was sort of make it through that first day and handle her anxiety and just keep breathing. Um, and it was a really lovely thing. We did it every year for her entire school career. She’s now 27 and getting a PhD in ecological microbiology. So I attribute her success in life to me planning an ice cream cone or a dinner at her favorite restaurant on the evening of the first day of school. Good luck to you all. Hope you have a wonderful back to school experience.
SPEAKER_12:
Hi, this is Cecily Stovel. I am from Gay Triox episode. Wait, Dave, what I don’t know what number who was counting the episodes. Okay, start over. Hi, this is Cecily Stovel. I was on Gay Triox episode number 18, and my back to school hack is wine. Have lots of wine. Have wine before your kids come back from school, have wine while they show up back from school, have wine after they go to bed. If they need a little help going to bed. No, I’m just kidding. Have been a drill for that. Good luck.
SPEAKER_11:
Hi everyone. It’s Danette Holden from episode 13. My advice for back to school is don’t buy any school supplies yet. You never need half of the stuff they tell you you need. They really just need folders and pencils. That’s been my experience. The other thing is get right with all the hoops that you’re gonna have to jump through. All the paperwork, all the signing off on ibupropen and benadryl, all the health papers, all the the sports papers. It’s torture. But if you don’t get right with it, you’re just gonna be frustrated every year.
SPEAKER_04:
Hi, my name is Roberto Concepcion from episode 49. And my back to school hack for having a toddler is saying a sweet prayer for patients. No, but on a serious note, uh, my back to school hack is uh namestamp.
SPEAKER_02:
Hi, this is Ellen Marsh from episode 10, and my back to school hack is uh birth control. So good luck.
David:
This week our guest is someone who has known my husband longer than I have. So she has got valuable dirt that I need now. She is a mom, a blogger, a Broadway buff, and most importantly, for our discussion today on her special back to school episode, she for 15 years has been a school teacher with a penchant for foul language. Please welcome to the show, Allison fucking Friedman. Hi, Alison.
SPEAKER_10:
Thanks for fucking having me.
David:
Wow.
SPEAKER_10:
Don’t worry, I do not use that language in a classroom with children. Okay.
Gavin:
I’m very have you never you’ve never let it slip.
SPEAKER_10:
I’ve never let it slip, but don’t think it’s not in my brain at the same time.
David:
I cannot imagine how it would be possible to not because with our own children, you just the things that you suppress in your head, you’re like, I won’t throw you into the river. I won’t throw you into the river. But you, you’ve been a teacher for over 15 years. How what goes on in your brain when stuff like that happens?
SPEAKER_10:
It’s a lot of um, what the fuck am I doing? Uh or what are you doing to, you know, what is the uh the what are the kids doing really? Um sometimes my favorite thing is when like the kids start to bicker a little bit about things, like I because you know I hear it all. And I really just want to say, like, don’t be a dick. But so I’m sometimes or or um there have been times where like there’s a kid mouthing off, and I want to, you know, the way I would talk to my own kids is like, can you just not be a smart ass right now? Right? Yeah, but I can’t say smart ass. Yeah. So then you say smart Alec, but then I sound like I’m from like the 1920s, like, gosh, that’s swimming.
SPEAKER_09:
So do you?
SPEAKER_10:
Yeah, exactly. So uh sometimes it’s more like, you know, don’t get smart with me or watch your mouth, or like, can you just use kind words?
David:
But does that work? I feel like the only thing that works is to say, shut the fuck up and sit down. There’s no other way.
SPEAKER_10:
That’s the only impactful way. But listen, we’re not exactly um efficient in the teaching world sometimes, right? Like we try to be, we want to be. Uh certainly we’re getting paid to be, but um, but it doesn’t always work. So you just gotta sort of dance around the words sometimes, you know.
David:
Okay, so so I want to unpack that because I want to know about pay. I want to know about like how to how to be a better teacher and how we can uh do all that stuff.
Gavin:
Yeah, and how we can be better parents to support the teacher.
David:
But before we get there, you are a mom. So the we like to always ask our parents, how have your children driven you bananas today?
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, how much time do we have on this?
David:
Yeah, well, we don’t have a lot of time.
SPEAKER_10:
Okay. Well, so let’s see. Uh, I just picked up both my kids from slepaway camp yesterday. Okay. They were gone for three weeks.
David:
Is that the end of it? Period. So they’re driving me crazy. They exist in my home. So they annoy me. Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Uh no, so for three weeks they were waiting sleepaway camp, and I love that for them because I believe sleepaway camp is super important for children. Just life lessons, independence, blah, blah, blah. Um, and you know, it’s also good for parents to have that little break and like reconnect. So that’s what my husband and I did for three weeks. It was great. Uh, but then they came home and I was, don’t get me wrong, like, really excited to see them. Of course. I mean, I really like my kids and they’re actually very easy and very cool. And so that first few hours home, it’s like a honeymoon, right? And then then I’m and I’m realizing, like, I’ve really enjoyed my house being so clean for three weeks, you know?
Gavin:
Yep.
SPEAKER_10:
And then within about four to five hours, we have messy counters again. There’s shit all over the hallway, the rooms are a mess. There’s like toothpaste uncapped on the bathroom counter already. And it’s like, fuck, we’re back to this again. So you’re asking me how my kids have driven me bonkers. And I normally, if you had asked me this over the last three weeks, I would have been like, oh, I love them because they’re not.
David:
They’re wonderful. They’re perfect because they don’t exist.
SPEAKER_10:
Exactly. But they’re back and it’s we’re back on our bullshit.
David:
So it’s just the regular stuff.
SPEAKER_10:
Uh, you know, but I am lucky that they are actually very good, easy kids. It’s just it’s the I I found myself repeating things over and over again yesterday that I hadn’t done for three weeks. So it’s like, oh, yep, we’re back. And so that’s uh that was my experience most recently being driven bonkers.
David:
Yeah. I mean, I’ve known your kids I think their entire life. Yeah, I think maybe minus the first like couple of months or whatever.
SPEAKER_10:
You came into the picture when Madeline was only a few months old. Yeah.
David:
So I totally remember that.
SPEAKER_10:
Um basically birthed her.
David:
I basically birthed her. Oof, my vagina hurts. So uh so let’s go back. You are a a public school teacher. Okay. And so what do you teach?
SPEAKER_10:
I teach art. So um I’m actually a pretty good teacher to talk to because I teach the whole school. So that means I am working with TK kids, which are your pre-kindergarten kids, like four to five year olds, all the way up to fifth graders who are 11 and getting body odor.
David:
You don’t have to sell us on yourself. You got the job. You’re here. You don’t have to sell, you got it. You’re you’re here, you win. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
I just really want you to like me because I’m a teacher. Um, so so I, as an art teacher, I teach the whole school. So I’m I am getting a lot of experience with all the different abilities, languages, ages, uh, behaviors. Um, so I see it all. Whereas I feel like teachers who teach one specific grade, they see that, and not I’m not putting them down at all, don’t get me wrong. But they see just that.
Gavin:
They have an intense exact concentration. Right.
SPEAKER_10:
So I’m a little bit more on like the macro level, maybe, you know, and they’re more in the micro. Um, so I teach art, but before I was teaching art, I was a substitute teacher. I uh was also teaching remedial math and reading. And then I also teach drama and theater as needed, which is cool. Um but I am not, I’ve never been actually a full-time clas uh teacher of record, is what they would call it, like having my own, like, you know, third grade classroom, whatever. Third grade. Because this is great, guys. This is great. Because when I got my teaching credential, it was 2009, and in California, which is where I am, where I teach, um, they were firing teachers in 2009. They we had no budget because everything is money in public school. So they were getting rid of teachers. I couldn’t get a job. So my husband and I at the time were like, well, let’s just have kids instead.
David:
So let’s add to the problem. Let’s just add.
SPEAKER_10:
So then that’s when I we started having our family. And I didn’t want to go back full time and leave my own kids for other people’s 30 children, right?
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
So uh I never decided to go back full time because I got a taste of the part-time situation and the flexible teaching job situation, and I don’t want to go back to the bureaucracy. Yeah. So that’s kind of where I am.
David:
I that’s I mean, I I’m I’m just shocked that there’s still art being taught. Like I I I remember there was an art class in my high school, but like, and there I think there was a music class in my elementary school, but I just assumed that all of that had gone away for more like you know, Bible reading classes and stuff.
SPEAKER_10:
Well, definitely, thankfully, there’s none of that in my school.
David:
Oh, Jesus.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, so I will say I think it varies from state to state. So this is like the boring stuff that probably nobody actually cares about. So you can probably cut this, but yeah, just as fast forward for the next two minutes.
David:
Exactly. So here we go.
SPEAKER_10:
Okay, so uh basically state to state, it varies. California, usually you don’t have mandatory uh standardized arts in school where you can hire an art teacher or a music teacher or a dance, whatever. So a lot of times that the teachers of the classroom are expected to teach that stuff, but they are either not qualified to do that or they don’t want to, or there’s not enough time in the day to do that. So then in California, what usually happens is the school, if they have like a PTA or a PFA or something like that, the parent fundraising money will go to hire people like me. So I am technically paid for by our PTA, but that’s because I’m at a school where there’s a lot of privilege. If there’s a school that doesn’t have that income coming in, they can’t afford it, then they don’t get it. And they don’t get it.
David:
They don’t get art. End of story. It’s fucking baffling to me.
Gavin:
It is, yeah, it is it’s unconscionable, and we are doing our entire society a huge disservice by not prioritizing it.
David:
But also the arts community in general, the artists, like the professional artists, to not the people want diversity so bad, and it’s because at the fundamental level, it is it is a very rare thing to get it. You have to be, you have to have money.
Gavin:
But in that line, I’m I’m kind of curious. As an art teacher, is there a hierarchy? Like, do you resent the gym teachers but kind of feel bad for them, but feel bad for the music teachers?
SPEAKER_10:
That’s a great way to put it. Um, I will say, at least where I teach, we’re all kind of on our own little islands. So I don’t even see the PE teacher or the music teacher. Now, I don’t like that. I wish all of us specialists like got together and like, yeah, like we’re a union of like the cool fun teachers who don’t get homework. Um but because the kids all travel to us separately, like we never really interact. If anything, I do interact a lot with the classroom teacher of records. So like I will talk to the third grade teachers and be like, hey, what are you guys covering this month? Cool. All right, I will integrate that into my art lesson.
David:
So you know, looking back, I think my gay awakening was in elementary school. Our gym teacher, Mr. Firmirin, was like, like had the sh like the like late 80s short shorts and like the whistle and the cap and everything, like looking back. And when I for you, I I well, I think so. But then when I went back, I went back to visit my old elementary school when I was on tour. I was I was in my mid-30s, right? And I was like, oh, I’m gonna go see. And then they were like, oh, but you know, Mr. Fermiran is still here, and I was like, Oh, what? And I went, and he is still fucking teaching volleyball and all the you know, bowling with rubber balls outside or whatever. Like, I could not believe that he was still there and still looked at him. Was he still high?
Gavin:
So bringing it back to the classroom and out of David’s dreams, what would you say is the biggest mistake you see parents make on the first day of school?
SPEAKER_10:
Ooh. Um, okay, well, so typically when parents come to school and they want to go immediately have a meeting with the teacher and tell the teacher all the things about their child.
Gavin:
The neediness of their own special snowflake.
David:
Uh their Gavin lodginess. I can already hear it. Gavin pulls every teacher aside. Listen, I’m I’m on the board of the bubble.
Gavin:
You don’t understand. My kids actually are that exceptional and they need that extra attention, okay? They deserve it. Of course, hair toss.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, so yeah, those those parents are out of touch because they don’t realize that, like, first of all, it’s the first day of school, uh, it’s the morning, it’s chaos, there is a lot of stuff going on. They want to get to know the children. We’ll we’ll get to the parents later, you know? It’s like, what should our first priority be? The children. So, why are the parents making it about them or their one child? So I think teachers always want to build like a classroom community. They want to build like this team, they want to really get to know the students and their needs. The way to do that is through actually interacting with them, not hearing from the parents about that. And especially like parents should know typically in most schools, a few weeks into the school year, there’s like parent-teacher conferences.
David:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
That is when you go and you like unload all your bullshit about your kid.
David:
So you can have your little therapy session then and not that first day of school. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Make an appointment. Like, I’m the type of teacher that if I had my full classroom dealing with my own full 30 kids, I would be like, you can totally reach me anytime. I’d love to make an appointment with you after school or email. Like, I would be all about the contact. But in the morning, like as the bell is ringing, no, we’re not doing this right now. We have things to do. We got to go.
Gavin:
Well, so then does that relate directly to? I mean, I love to joke, but it’s not a joke that parents, I mean, we’re the worst. We’re the worst. The kids are fine, right? We are the worst.
SPEAKER_10:
The kids are all right. Yeah. No, yeah.
Gavin:
The kids are all right. The parents are the worst. So, what is your advice then to parents to just like make it easier on the teachers?
SPEAKER_10:
Trust the teacher.
Gavin:
Yep. They know trust the teacher.
SPEAKER_10:
I mean, listen, I have to tell you guys, I don’t think people realize this. We are educated people.
unknown:
Okay.
SPEAKER_10:
Like, we got our bachelor’s degrees at the very least. All right.
Gavin:
Often master’s.
SPEAKER_10:
And then often master’s degrees. And In my case, I got my bachelor’s degree, actually did not work as a teacher my first few years out of college. I was in corporate America, made this stupid decision to go back to school to become a teacher. Um, and then I which meant I had to go back to school, pay, you know,$40,000 to get a teaching credential in a year and a half. And then through that, there was a lot of studying, a lot of internship hours, that kind of thing. And so I’m extremely educated and capable of doing this. Additionally, a lot of teachers go on and do extra certifications to, you know, for their teaching areas. And so we are educated people. We know what we’re doing. We got this. Like, would you go and question every little thing your doctored? I mean, listen.
David:
Right. I question everything Gavin does, honestly.
SPEAKER_10:
And how educated are you, David?
David:
That’s true. So you have me. You have me.
SPEAKER_10:
So, I mean, listen, when it comes to like your doctor, right? Like, of course you ask questions. You can even get a second opinion. Like, there’s no shame in that. But technically, like, we believe doctors are just like really smart people in general, right?
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Why don’t we feel that way about teachers?
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
That’s that’s like the shittiest thing ever. So it’s because we’re seen as public entities, we are not paid very well, we there’s like no respect.
David:
So yeah, pay pay was something I wanted to ask you about. Is that that I think it’s universally known that teachers aren’t paid enough, but I want to dive a little deeper into that. Not necessarily what you get paid, but is pay even? Does it, does it, is it, is it related to your classroom? Is it depending on the state? Does it depend on your credentials? Like, how do you know how much money you get as a school teacher?
SPEAKER_10:
Great question. Thank you. Nobody, it’s like you’re a podcaster. Yeah. Um, so nobody really knows how this works. It’s kind of a mystery because it varies from state to state for sure. Um, so I can really only explain to you what I know about California. So uh typically it varies from district to district within the state as well. Um, so they get funding from the state and they’re able to give out money and break it down based on usually it’s years of service and uh levels of certifications or education. So like the very, very, very base salary, like starting out in general. It like I said, it varies from district to district, is usually probably about in the high 40s, low 50s. Okay. That’s like in California. Yeah, where it costs like one million dollars to, you know, open the door.
Gavin:
Like it’s not saying not to mention fill up your car. Exactly. Oh six dollar gas.
SPEAKER_10:
Yeah, yeah. Oh, I know all about that. Um, so so you’re looking at like the low 50s to start, and then every few years, like you you move over on this scale. So like it might increase by like two grand the next year. And or maybe you’ve been a teacher for five years and you just got this new master’s degree, which you just spent$40,000 to do. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, now you might make an extra$5,000. So so you it you can acquire more money as you go, but it’s not based on any kind of merit. It’s not based on any kind of like extra shiny thing that you do. It’s not based on how amazing of a teacher you are, how many parents love you.
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
So it’s not like the corporate world where like if you do a great job, you get more money. It’s like if you exist for this long, you might make a few more dollars.
David:
Got it.
SPEAKER_10:
It’s really cool, right?
David:
Yeah. I mean it’s depressing as hell, but yeah, it’s really cool. Um, so quick question. Yeah. Which grade is the shittiest artist? My gut says second grade, but I don’t know. What do you think?
Gavin:
Well, you say fourth.
David:
Okay.
Gavin:
But I was gonna say fourth because they finally get art, but they’re really not good at it. Whereas at second grade, I think you’re still excusably bad because it’s just so cute. Yeah. Right.
SPEAKER_10:
Okay, so I see where you’re going with this. Now here’s the thing. I I can’t just give you a straight answer. Yeah, straight answer, get it.
David:
Yeah, I’ve been working with Gavin for a long time. I don’t get straight answers. Meandering monologues and then yeah, well, that’s true, yeah. Unrelated to the pun.
SPEAKER_10:
Or gay answers, really. But um, so uh basically, you know, it varies from child to child, and all art is beautiful. Just fucking say it all. Okay, sorry, out with it. Um so listen, fourth, fifth graders, they can do more, right? But then there’s some kids who just don’t like art or they don’t want to be there and they’re like wah, wah, wah, and they’re like not even giving any effort. When I see art, I care more about like effort and creativity. Like, what are you doing to even be here right now? Like, are you can I just see some sort of like pop of sparkle in your some sort of intent, some sort of desire. Like, just try your best. Cause I don’t think like I’m not teaching anyone to become like perfect artists. I really am doing this for like creativity and like filling your soul and all that like cheesy good stuff, right? Right. So, so as far as like skills, listen, kindergartners are not gonna be able to do beautiful art, but it always does look really cool at the end because it’s their little creation. Yeah, this is where I actually have a soul.
David:
So uh I have a circular file. I put a lot of my kids’ art in because sometimes they’ll come home with just a blue sheet of paper and I’m like, I’m not keeping this. I don’t know what you want from me. I’m not keeping the the Cheerios glued in a circle on this piece of paper.
SPEAKER_10:
That’s not art. That is that’s called process, and it’s important because you know there’s there’s hand-eye coordination with that, there’s counting, there’s exploration with materials, like that has a purpose and it’s important, but it’s not art because it’s not creative. They’re not like coming up with that, right? It’s not from their own brains or their own hearts. Um, so I don’t do that in my class. Usually, so the way I teach is like I’ll usually introduce the artist or an art movement. We’ll do like a 15-minute deep dive on like this guy who, you know, did stuff. And then I do I hear he’s really good.
Gavin:
Yeah, he’s really good. Or actually do pay attention to that kids because they love it.
SPEAKER_10:
So the hardest part about stuff like this is you guys, all artists are pretty much crazy. You might know something about that. And so, uh, and they usually all die from like drugs. And so it’s really funny or or syphilis, right? Or the drugs from syphilis. Um so, so it’s really great because every kid wants to know how an artist died. Or it’ll be like, yeah, so you know, Van Gogh, blah, blah, blah. He lived until this time, and they’re like, How did he die? And I’m always like, fuck.
SPEAKER_09:
All right.
SPEAKER_10:
Or like Jean-Michel Basquiat, or you know, like he did drugs, guys, but I can’t talk about drugs, you know?
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Uh so it’s a lot of like, well, sometimes people make unhealthy choices.
David:
He died choking on his own vomit. Right. Anyway, here’s a circle. Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Or like Keith Herring, he had AIDS. What’s AIDS? Fuck.
David:
Well, what do you find it’s easier to deal with your shitty children or other people’s shitty children? OPKs, as we say on the show. Other people’s yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Other people’s kids. Um, is it easier to like what’s what’s harder?
David:
Do you have to deal with like your kids or a stranger’s kids?
SPEAKER_10:
So, like, obviously, dealing with a stranger’s kids, I think, is harder. Um, with my own kids, if I screw them up, like I screw them up and it’s my fault. And like, that’s that’s my honor, right? Yeah. Um, that’s my legacy. Uh, other people’s kids, God, like you never know where their backgrounds are coming from or like what their family values are or what their beliefs are. So I have to constantly tiptoe. So it’s really hard. And like, you know, technically you’re not supposed to like yell at anyone or like beat anyone up or like stuff like that. So it’s syphilis. It’s ill-advised. Yeah, yeah. It’s not like a good idea.
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, but uh yeah, I think dealing with other people’s kids is harder, especially because there’s just so much at play. And like, I’m it’s not me only as a teacher. Like I’m working with their classroom teacher or sometimes the counselor or the speech therapist, you know. So there’s a lot of like cooks in the kitchen, which I think is an amazing thing because kids need that. Um, but I’m just one little cog in the wheel of of raising children and uh raising other people’s children.
Gavin:
Other people’s should be case. Yeah, the OP case. But when you do hate a kid, sure. I mean, how are how are you how do you work through your hatred of little Bobby who just doesn’t get it, doesn’t want to be there, screws it up for everybody else. He picks on Caitlin and he picks on Kevin and Kevin. Yeah, it’s always Kevin.
SPEAKER_10:
So, you know, um, I don’t hate any children, Gabe.
SPEAKER_04:
Okay. All right, thank you for joining us. Yeah, thank you.
SPEAKER_10:
It’s been real. Um, okay, so listen, there are always going to be kids that I extra love. All right. And there are going to be kids who I don’t as much extra love. And I, and I’m really not saying that to like beat around the bush. I I’m really saying this because I have to sort of train my brain that way. Like there are kids who I there are definitely kids in my classes who come through and I’m like, oh, thank God you are here today. Because there are gems, there are treasures that like keep me going. They’re like my little sugar that just like keeps me going throughout the day. Um, and so I focus on those kids. And the ones that maybe are harder or I maybe just don’t like, like they don’t have this place in my heart. I do try to find something that is redeeming. And there always is, and I know that sounds like really cheesy, like wah, want, but maybe that’s what makes me a decent teacher. I don’t know.
David:
Totally. No, totally. I would put bed bugs in their backpack or something like that. But like what you’re saying is also nice.
SPEAKER_10:
Yeah, it’s it’s nice, right? Like, but and it’s not that I’m just saying that because I’m afraid my, you know, bosses will find me and fire me. It’s it’s I’m really trying to like listen, if I focus on the negative all day, I’m gonna hate my job. I’m gonna hate my job. Totally, right?
David:
But I see how you have to just like you have to put on blinders and be like, all of these children are special and I’m gonna focus on that because you can’t just throw your kids into the river because you’ve got 30 of them and you’ll get in trouble.
SPEAKER_10:
Exactly. And I don’t want to get in trouble because I care a lot about what people think of me.
David:
Of course, yes. So, my before we move on from school, I just want to ask you one more question. Is if you could wave a magic wand, a beautiful pink or purple magic wand with little tassels on it, and change one thing about how school works or the school system works, what would it be?
SPEAKER_10:
I mean, again, how much time do we have? Okay, so like I said earlier, uh, I really am sort of resentful, actually. Like I don’t know if you could sort of tell that in my tone, of just the personal climate.
David:
Is something political happening on Monday? I am.
SPEAKER_10:
I mean, I don’t want to like, you know, make things all about that on your show, but um, I’m sure that’s never relevant for the topic.
Gavin:
We’re putt completely apolitical. There’s only one way to believe on our show, and it’s the right way.
SPEAKER_10:
Of course, or the left way. Um, anyway, um, so uh yeah, I mean, I uh there’s so I’m really also involved in like local politics here in my town. And um, I actually ran a school board campaign two years ago in a in a previous election. And that was that literally took years off my life. Like, thank goodness for Botox. Anyway, um, so I uh I would really like for people to keep like their religious bullshit out of schools, uh-huh, unless you go to a religious school. And if that’s your jam, like fine, cool. Like if you need a little Jesus in your life, like that’s great. And I think you should have that and you should pay for that school outside of the public, you know, yeah, area. Um, but if you’re going to enroll your child in public school, then you need to trust the process. And I think that the public needs to understand that public school is for everyone. So that means all types of languages and genders and families and uh and behaviors and abilities. And so that means we have to be accepting of all. And so I’m honestly shaking in my boots a bit about what we are seeing uh, you know, politically. And thankfully in California, I think I’m doing a little more in a little calm here, but certainly when I look at like the country, God, yeah.
David:
But we were talking about like like if you’re lucky enough to be in a district that’s rich enough to have arts, it’s the same thing. Like, are these kids lucky enough to be born in a state where they can get an education without this bullshit? Indoctrination.
SPEAKER_10:
I mean, the fact that we have to even worry about access and equity is is actually really scary when it comes to public school because that should be like the bottom line for public school, right?
David:
So treat your teachers well. Um, don’t pull them aside on day one. I’m trying to go through like the actual, because we’ve we just spent prior prior to this in the episode, we heard up from a lot of past guests with their back to school hacks. So I’m just trying to make sure everyone knows that after listening to this hour that they didn’t really learn much. But these two things that maybe they learn. So I know you, I’ve known you for a very long time. I know you are a fan and a lover of Broadway and musicals in general. So I’m gonna ask you the hardest question.
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, this is gonna be are you gonna ask me my favorite musical?
David:
I’m reading it right now.
Gavin:
I can even ask it for you. He’s so clean.
SPEAKER_10:
You guys, this is so rude.
David:
And you don’t think so, well, I like this one, but I like this one, but this was my favorite. You guys album cover do you see right now?
SPEAKER_10:
You guys, I’m literally having a pan attack.
David:
I knew this would be the hardest joke, uh hardest.
SPEAKER_10:
All right, like can I ask you who your favorite child is? Yes.
Gavin:
No problem. No problem. Okay, well.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, all right. So I’m just gonna preface it with this, okay?
David:
Oh, here we go. Here comes this is a girl after my own heart. That’s for sure. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I love it.
SPEAKER_10:
So when it comes to asking about your favorite musical, I go into my head of like nostalgic.
David:
Sure.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, actually well crafted.
David:
Uh-huh. No. I’ll refine my question. I’ll refine my question.
SPEAKER_10:
Okay.
David:
What musical brings you the most joy? Oh, nice.
SPEAKER_10:
As a teenager, I’m not sure.
David:
Oh my god, Allison. Allison. Right now, if you were like, I just want to sit down and watch this show because it brings me so much joy, and it’s the perfect version of that show. What should I do?
SPEAKER_10:
I think it would be Shrek on Broadway.
David:
Oh, stop it. Wait, that is a funny story though, because you came to see Shrek on Broadway when I was on in the show with my future husband before I knew any of you. No, and we we haven’t decided like, did we pass each other in the hallways? Because we guys went backstage. We did. So we could have bumped into each other at some point, not knowing that 10 years later I would be marrying one of your friends. I know.
SPEAKER_10:
It’s pretty wild. Like that, it’s it was meant to be. I think my very knee-jerk reaction, and this is such basic bitch choice, is Hamilton.
David:
That’s that’s an amazing show. Pretty amazing.
SPEAKER_10:
And I think the reason, because you didn’t ask me why, but I’m gonna tell you anyway, is I think it’s very smart and brilliant. It’s very layered. Uh, you learn a lot. I I I actually use it. So I when I teach fifth graders, uh fifth grade curriculum in school, I know we’re back to teaching, uh, is American history.
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
And so uh sometimes American history can be, you know, not as exciting. Um, but then I will bring in Hamilton sometimes to talk about like art in that period of time. Yeah. And we’re like, we’re rapping, we’re talking, we’re like discussing some of the things. I’m telling the story of Hamilton, which is super accessible to kids, you know, instead of like in the book. Um, so I think Hamilton is my knee-jerk reaction, but there’s more beyond that, but you’re not asking about that.
David:
So no, no, I think I think that’s listen, it’s an amazing show. I think what your your your hesitation is also because it is so already popular. I think so much, so many people want to be like, this musical that you’ve never heard of, but it’s almost incredible. You know, it’s like, no, I have a great show.
Gavin:
Wicked is wicked because it’s wicked, Lion King, etc. Hamilton. But since your answer was not legally blonde, we have to end this conversation. We’re gonna have to end this.
David:
But before I love that one too! Yeah, but before we do was no choice. Before we sign off, I do want to ask you one final question, and we know what this is is how did you earn your parenting merit badge? I’ll never forget the time when blank something terrible or hilarious or gross happened.
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, okay. So early, early on, it was Father’s Day, it was Brian’s first Father’s Day. Brian’s my husband. We both have husbands named Brian.
David:
Isn’t that why? Spell differently.
SPEAKER_10:
Spell differently, but both equally awesome. Um, and uh it was Brian’s first father’s day. So Madeline was about 10 months old. And we were in this like really fancy area in Malibu. And um As you do. As you do. And we were having lunch, and uh, we were actually waiting to be seated for lunch, and I had just changed diaper bags that day. Okay, so I was like, oh, I’m gonna use this bag today, because apparently that matters when you’re a new mom. Um I only had this is my first child. So this was I now have two daughters. This was when I only had one daughter for only 10 months. And um and I uh changed the diaper bags over, and I apparently forgot to put in a change of clothes in that diaper. As you do. Okay. Um, which never occurred to me. So then uh while we’re waiting for a table for a very long time, it was very hot. It was it’s June in California. Madeline decided to have an entirely giant blowout in her diaper that went. I I mean, guys, the the projectile of the stuff that came out of her tushy, like insane.
David:
It crossed into the fourth dimension. Like, I don’t know where this is. It was like a horror film. Okay.
SPEAKER_10:
Um, and so I was like, oh, I I gotta go change her diaper. So I bring her to the bathroom. It was like a single stall bathroom, like only one, you know, you open the door and it’s just one thing. It was very hot and humid. I was like dripping, sweating, and I realized I didn’t have a change of clothes, and there was just poop everywhere. And her outfit said something like, I love my daddy, but it had like shit all over. And it was, it wasn’t like a solid just smashed shit. It was like it was Hershey syrup shit all over.
Gavin:
We’re familiar. You you got this, right?
SPEAKER_10:
Yeah, and so I was like, fuck, I have no extra clothes. So my kid’s now in a clean diaper, but and I used every single wipe in the container, so now I’m out of wipes. Um, and I’m like, I have to go buy our clothes. Now, thankfully, we’re in this little like shopping center in Malibu, so I have to I literally gotta go next door. But Malibu also, not I like that you’re I you know where this is going, right? I spent you guys at this little shop next door. So there is a shop all over LA at the time that was very popular called Kitson. I don’t know if you are aware of the brand, but it was very like fancy. Like all the celebrities go there. I think like like you know, celebrity children were always dressed in there. Um I go in there and I I try to find just the cheapest outfit I could find.
David:
Wait, question are you holding a naked toddler at the end? I am holding a naked toddler as well. Yeah. Oh yeah. Like shamelessly.
SPEAKER_10:
Just like, and they know what I’m doing. Like and also not even a toddler, like a baby. Oh, she’s not even walking. She’s not even wearing shoes yet.
Gavin:
And uh I was in line at Nobu across the Pacific Coast Highway.
SPEAKER_10:
Right.
Gavin:
And my child is melting. Right.
SPEAKER_10:
And poop everywhere.
Gavin:
More importantly, I’m about I am having a meltdown as right now at this very moment.
SPEAKER_10:
And I have like a poop manicure under my fingernails, like sifting through clothing, just trying to find the cheapest thing to put her in.
David:
Um, so I tried to try to price shop with poopy fish. Oh, yeah, in Malibu.
SPEAKER_10:
And I want you guys to know, like, I I’m a girl who likes nice things, okay? I really do. But when it comes to my kids’ clothes, like they outgrow this shit all the time. Like I’m I’m doing Target and Old Navy. Like, that’s my jam, right? So I’m in this fancy store. I spent you guys$120 on a dress.
David:
Unlike a t shirt and shorts.
SPEAKER_10:
No, it was a dress for a 10 month old. And it wasn’t like a fancy dress. There was no like, it wasn’t made out of like, you know, gold.
SPEAKER_09:
It wasn’t really cotton. Yeah.
SPEAKER_10:
Maybe polyester. I don’t know. Yeah. And so I spent$120 on this dress, and now my baby has. Clothes. And then we sat in a restaurant where she didn’t even eat any of the food because she’s 10 months old and doesn’t give a shit. Right. And so, and that was our amazing my mothering uh moment on Father’s Day. It was great.
David:
I especially love the visual of like, I love my daddy covered in just diarrhea. Like that to me, like if you could just put parenting in one picture, there that’s it.
SPEAKER_10:
That’s it. So that’s how she felt about her dad. And now we know who their favorite parent is, right? Like that just made me feel really good.
David:
Although, although she shat on you, not on him.
SPEAKER_10:
So we all are covered in shit all the time. Isn’t that what parenting is about?
Gavin:
And teaching, I would imagine, too. I bet you let’s bring you back for, you know, uh Thanksgiving break. And I want to hear about the the the amount of other OPK liquids that you have had to deal with. Oh, Jesus.
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, oh well, do you know how much I’ve sneezed on all day?
Gavin:
Right into your mouth.
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, basically just drinking the germs. I have to tell you, probably teachers and nurses have like immune systems of rock, right? Because we are just constantly surrounded by germs. So my first year teaching, I was constantly sick. Now I’m I’m maybe once a year. So I’m moving up in the world.
David:
Allison, this was lovely. Thank you for demeaning yourself by being on our stupid, stupid little podcast. Oh, it’s the stupidest. And being on our special back to school episode. I mean, back to school, everybody. Happy back to school, everyone. Happy back to school.
SPEAKER_10:
I’m wishing you guys a really happy back to school. And then David, I think you have a kindergartner coming in, right?
Gavin:
First, back to school. Although we’ve already determined this, and like he is so chill. Your kid, he he has not had his kids in his presence for five years.
SPEAKER_10:
So now you’re really not going to. But congratulations. It’s a big deal. And just remember, um, kindergarten homework will definitely pave the way for that Harvard admission. So you better go big.
David:
Totally. Overstress about it.
Gavin:
If you don’t have it on the first day, please do barge into the teacher’s office and ask where’s my kids’ homework?
SPEAKER_10:
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, definitely be a helicopter parent for sure. Yeah.
Gavin:
So I inadvertently had a daddy take his daughter to work day uh recently, and I had to go into New York for some meetings. And I thought, you know, I should bring my daughter. I mean, even though she just wants me to spend a bunch of money on her and she really wants to go shopping, I’m like, you know, you could do it, but you’re gonna have to sit through two meetings, and I just need you to be quiet and read a book. And she’s like, uh-huh, or just be on TikTok. I’m like, uh, you can have some, but you’re gonna read anyway. Brought her to the city and we did my meetings, and then I was able to disengage a bit and just go shopping with her and not say no. Thank God she has low brow, inexpensive taste. Thank goodness. But also, um, I was like, no, no, we’re gonna do some back to school shopping essentially. And uh, it was an awesome, awesome, awesome day. And the next day she said to my partner, Dad was actually fun yesterday.
David:
Wow. Wow, when are you gonna be fun on this show? That’s my question.
Gavin:
Is that I was actually fun when I do think of myself as the fun dad who yes says no a lot. But anyway, it is something great to actually, I don’t know, have one-on-one time with kid and say yes more than you say no. It is worth it, even if I’m gonna pay for it when my credit card bill comes. How about you?
David:
Yeah. Uh, my something great this week is uh something that I will rant about on the next episode because it’s annoying. Okay. The the good thing is that my son turned five this week, and it’s just cool. Like he is at an age now where I think he’s like fun and we can talk about things, and um it’s just cool to have a five-year-old. I will again start next episode complaining about the birthday complex. But um, the good, the something great this week is that I have a five-year-old. Oh, that’s pretty sweet. Five is a good age.
SPEAKER_09:
Yeah.
David:
And that’s our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM Bond everywhere, and Gavin is at trying to be a bearded stud on nothing. Please leave us a glowing five-star review wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks, and we’ll school you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.
SPEAKER_15:
Hey, I was told that you guys are looking for back to school tips, and I got so here’s my take. I’m gonna need like two minutes for this one. Sorry, guys. That this is my take on it, right? I have been racking my brain for two weeks. Like, there’s gotta be something that I can share. Like, I’ve been looking stuff up online, like, no, but I don’t do that. It’s dishonest. Like, I don’t fucking there is nothing. There’s nothing that I have found that I do that makes any of this shit easier. I might implement something, it lasts two days, and it’s fucking back to chaos, right? Like, parenting is the hardest fucking thing that any of us will ever do in our lifetime. Period, end of story. And there’s nothing significant that I found that’s going to change that in general. It’s just fucking hard, right? And if I have a tip, it is to find something that helps to fill your glass. Something that helps you, right? Maybe you like walking your dog in the morning. Fucking do more to that. Maybe there’s a funny podcast that you like to listen to, right? Do more to that. Maybe maybe there’s a class in the evening that you’ve really wanted to take, but you’ve been scared to ask your husband for the time to go do the thing. Like, find something that is gonna help make you a more patient, loving parent. That is that is my tip, that is my advice, right? And when it comes to back to school, like what I try to do is is put myself in their shoes. Remember what it was like for me fucking starting first grade. God damn, dude, fucking childhood trauma, childhood trauma, you know, getting picked on, and and the fucking new people, and like my kindergartner, she’s a first grader now, like, still wets her pants. I have to send her in a pull up, we’re still working on that. Like, school’s fucking hard, man. School is fucking hard. And if you can be kind and patient and loving, you will never regret it. Not ever. So that’s my tip. Love you guys, have a good weekend.