Full Transcript
Perilous purple penises spotted off the coast of England. This is Dick News. Okay, welcome to our first edition of a very special episode of Datriarch’s. Uh-huh. A la dick news. We have a lot of dick news to get to, and we were just like, we’re going to create a special quick episode. It’s Sunday. It’s the closing day of the Olympics, and there has been a lot of dicks in the news.
Gavin:
Olympic level, Olympic level dick news. So we figured we got to get this in as America’s finest news source. We’re here for you, listen to it.
David:
Absolutely. It has been a lot of dicks in the Olympics. Summer Olympics are always full of dicks, and we always love it. But this year, very like a lot of literally dick-focused journalism happening.
Gavin:
Getting in the way of uh of the athletes and their goals and their objectives. Yeah. So I now you would literally have to live under a rock to not know about Anthony Amarati, a French pole vaulter. We all know about it. The bulge that went viral, the bulge heard round felt round the world, etc.
David:
Unlike an American pole smoker like you.
Gavin:
What did crack me up about this is that first of all, the internet is amazing for so many reasons sometimes, and people’s creativity in their commenting is fantastic. I mean, my favorite is like, yes, the references to like somebody needs to get him a drag queen to teach him to some tucking skills, for instance, and casually setting my dating profile to how would you fare as a pole vaulter? Which is um genius. But uh, you know, the the news in this entire story that people might not know about is that he has been approached by several companies to to show it, display his vaulting abilities, I suppose. And that um according to TMZ Sports, we’re gonna come back to that, uh, he was offered$250,000 to do an hour-long I you know display of his pole vaulting abilities, which is um not an insignificant which is not an insignificant amount of money, obviously. Now um he’s French and he probably no doubt, you know that this guy is like, you know, where the only place this that this is news is America. Of course. Because the rest of the world is. Because we’re puritanical idiots. Because we’re puritanical, we’re like little giddy little schoolgirls, but come on. You know, some French gay dudes are also like, no, no, I’m sure it’s tw trending there as well. But nevertheless, his only response thus far has been like, well, you know what? I had a bunch of other jumps that were much more successful. It’s too bad you pathetic Puritans are focusing on this.
David:
And honestly, shame me all you want, but I’m into what I’m into. Sorry, dude. Sorry, Anthony.
Gavin:
But we will undoubtedly have another edition of um Olympic Dick News part two, part duh, if we hear some news that Anthony has accepted a$250,000 offer. Would you do um, you know, an hour, an hour, an hour long? That’s a lot of performance. That’s a lot.
David:
Like, what are like what am I supposed to do for the other like 58 and a half minutes?
Gavin:
But I bet you could figure it out for 250k. Oh, yeah. Uh, yeah. And there you go. Um, did you also know? I mean, all of this dick news is frankly focused on two-thirds of it is focused on France. But there’s also a diver. Do you know about Jules Bouillet? No, tell me about Jules Bouillet. Bouillet, I’m pretty sure, is how you would pronounce his name. Well, he definitely went viral as a diver. I mean, those divers, those are talk about bikini cut.
David:
They are leaving nothing to the imagination, and I appreciate it.
Gavin:
They are so low cut that you’re so low-cut.
David:
You were in danger, girl. You are in danger. One one light breeze away from being fully exposed.
Gavin:
And boy, there’s a lot of manscaping that’s got to go on because holy cow. Anyway, Jules Bouillet definitely uh made a splash, as it were, with his, you know, the way he filled out his swimsuit. And so there’s a company called Shinesty that you’re welcome, Shinesty, for all of the price you’re getting out of this, not just Gatriarchs mentioning, is that they’ve offered a lifetime supply of undies to Jules Bouillet. And I think this is one of those companies that specializes in like an extra little layer for the balls and the separation and the lift and cut and whatnot and whatnot. But I I do appreciate that in their advertising, or rather, in their press release to Jules Bouillet, they definitely said, we want to help protect what you have in the south of France.
David:
I mean, it’s amazing. And also that photo, it’s just first of all, it’s from the side, so you’re getting a little bit of help from that, but it does look like he’s smuggling a quarter pound honey-baked ham in there. I mean, it looks like like happy Thanksgiving, grandma. Um, yeah. Um, so much wonderful dick news.
Gavin:
And not to be outdone, um, there is one person who’s actually leaning into his, well, dick news. And that’s uh the New Zealand roarer Robbie Manson, who uh has come forward with saying most of his salary comes from his OnlyFans page. And that he’s basically like, listen, I am an out-gay athlete. I already have a gay following, and I’m kind of leaning into this. You might as well let shine what the good Lord gave you, and he knows what he’s doing, and um, and hey, it’s tough to make a living in this world, and plus he’s got to be out on the water rowing and training all the time to get in the Olympics, right? So I do think that many people, many journalists, were basically asking what is on his OnlyFans page, and he’s like, well, artistic nudes. Artistic nudes. And if you want to see more than that, subscribe, motherfucker. Subscribe.
David:
$7.99 a month, half off today only. So that completes our first special Dick News edition. I want to give special shout out to my very good friend Will, who created our opening and closing music. This is some of my favorite one of my favorite things I’ve ever listened to, ever. Um, we hope to bring you lots of more dick news. Um, we know this is a gay parenting comedy podcast, but listen, we are gay men and sometimes we want to know what is the dick news. So thank you for joining us on our special episode of Dick News. We will see you again on Wednesday for our next episode, our back to school special. Bait giant dogs spewing death from above. This is Dick News.