Full Transcript
It he was so bored and over it, like just you know, just somebody at a massage parlor jerking yeah.
David:
Is this how you wanna end this episode, Gavin? And this is Gatriarchs. So I feel like my husband and I are on the same page about 99.9% of parenting, which is really great. That’s yeah, we’re really lucky.
Gavin:
That’s a very high percentage.
David:
Until last night. Uh-oh. How much do you pay per tooth as the tooth fairy? Because we are miles apart. When I tell you, I said, he goes, well, how much? He asked me, he goes, Well, how much do you think a tooth is going for? I said, I don’t know, five, ten dollars. And the the you you would have thought I shot him in the face. He was like, what? He was like, I was thinking 25 cents a quarter. And I was like, first of all, this isn’t 1917 anymore. Second of all, that is like, can you imagine waking up to a quarter? And like, I just what is the price of genetic material at this point?
Gavin:
Right. But what is the value of money to your son right now? What does he want? Like the idea of getting a quarter and being like, Oh, can we go to that bodega that has the bubblegum machine? I mean, my son would have been thrilled with that when he was five years old. Like, sweet, I get a bubblegum.
David:
Versus like, can I buy 10,000 shares of the QQQ? Like, yeah, no, it’s not that. But what I will say, what moved me a little bit was my husband goes, Well, how many teeth does he have? And I was like, Oh, I gotta pay per tooth. Yeah.
Gavin:
I mean, okay. Well, first of all, this uh does remind me of my PTSD from the time my son was at his pre-K class and uh his little uh friend came up and she said, I lost a tooth last night. I said, Ooh, did the tooth fairy come? She said, uh-huh. And all of the parents, we were all in a tiny, tiny hallway. So we were all listening. I said, How much did you get? She goes,$20. And I was able to look up at her father and say, Wow, you have a particularly generous tooth fairy.
David:
You’ve set a precedent that annoys the fuck out of us.
Gavin:
And yeah, and this guy was not a hedge funder or anything. He was embarrassed and he was kind of like, mm-hmm. I don’t think the tooth fairy had changed last night. And I was like, Yeah, you are setting a really terrible precedent for all the rest of us.
David:
Like, does the tooth fairy have Venmo? Could we just like Venmo from the Tooth Fairy? That’d be kind of cool. That’s kind of cool.
Gavin:
This is almost a dad hack and is super nerdy and super maybe roll your eyes and also hear me out. Very good friends of mine, not listeners of the pod, thanks a lot. Uh, gave me the idea that their, when their kid was really young, the the Tooth Fairy brought a dollar and then four quarters. So, hey, two dollars. But then they also got a uh they probably don’t even make these anymore. The mint made this map where you collected quarters of all the states. Oh, yeah. And it like gave them a little adventure, like, ooh, we get to put the quarters in the thing, you know. My kids were frankly never into that. I, but I forced them to be like, ooh, let’s find where to put the states. And I mean, it was, I don’t know, it wasn’t about the amount of money, honestly. And um, but now I my you know, teens and preteens are still losing a um teeth from time to time. And we have a collection on a part of our kitchen counter that has three teeth on it that have been sitting there for like a year just because you put those next to your foreskin onion ring. And my daughter’s like, I mean, I don’t have any money uh for whatever that she wants to buy. And I’m like, well, you haven’t put your teeth under your pillow anymore. And she’s like, like, that’s gonna get me anything, dad. And I’m like, hey, I mean, come on, when we get down to the last tooth, that tooth fairy, whose name, by the way, is um Prixia, named uh I uh our tooth fairies have really uh creative names. I she’ll get 20 bucks for that last tooth being lost, you know? Come on. It’s not gonna be more than that, though. I don’t know about you being.
David:
So I feel like I’m in the right. You said$20. I’m saying five to ten.
Gavin:
For the last one. I would say five bucks is max.
David:
And I would start with five bucks, but like a quarter?
Gavin:
Nah, two bucks.
David:
Okay. Well, anyway. So the DM us with you guys, uh uh a listener out there, tell us what you uh you pay your kids for the toothberry.
Gavin:
Well, I hear and here I’ve I’m trying to make my case to you, and I think I uh made a fairly good case, which reminds me of the all of the argumentation I do with my children all the time. For instance, my son the other day asked me, why do parents talk about politics so much? And I’m like, Well, you’re in a particularly political household for one thing. But I try to explain myself, and then I can hear myself trying to explain myself, and my kids are nodding their heads just like you’re doing to me over Zoom, being like, Yeah, we get it, Dad. Yeah, we get it, Dad. And I have a genetic deformity in my brain that keeps me from being able to just shut up.
David:
Listen, our listener is very well aware of this.
Gavin:
And I want to make my point, but then I’m like, but you see what I mean, right? And I I desperately like I want to have these intellectual conversations with my kids so that they understand things and their heads explode and they’re really smart and everything, right? And I know I’ve already beaten them, but I’ve browbeaten them with too many words. So then I’m like, well, you see what I mean, right? And they’re like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. And they’re my daughter now just placates me, and she’s like, yeah, dad, and she’s already on her phone. And I realize how often, though, that I basically what I’m saying, you know what I mean, is my way of being like, I’m correct, right? And you agree with me, and all already my children are just placating me and getting me to shut up, even though they don’t actually agree or understand what I’m talking about. But I agree, Gavin. I understand what you’re talking about. Do you see what I mean? Is something that we talk about a lot, and that just reminded me of me of basically trying to convince you that I was right with two dollars with a tooth fairy. You’re welcome.
David:
Every one of our listeners is very well aware that you need to make sure that your voice is heard. Um, my voice was heard the other night at the local board of education meeting. Now, I what? I know, I know you’re a big board of education person.
Gavin:
I’m so proud of it.
David:
I had a a friend who was like, oh, there’s a seat for the board of education that’s available and you should apply to it. And I was like, I know less than nothing about the kind of like, is this an elected position? Is it paid? Is it not? What do they do? Like, I knew nothing. But I was like, you know, fuck it. My kids in school, let’s do it. So you have skin in the game. So I sent an email. Um, I had my four skin in the game. And so I sent an email, and like I was like, great, send us an official letter, which of course I had AI, right? And then he was like, Great, show up at this date, at this time, and we’re gonna like interview you. And here are the sample questions we may send. I wow, at this point, I’ve never been to a meeting.
Gavin:
Wait a minute, wait a minute. This is a completely different system than my board of education here in Connecticut. The it’s an elected position, isn’t it?
David:
How do you get interviewed? It is, but this was somebody who left before their tenure was up. And so this person is gonna be this seat for like four weeks until November, where which is right now, November 6th.
Gavin:
And um In fact, your your election was yesterday. Correct.
David:
So um, anyway, so I was like, you know what, let’s let’s do this. Maybe this could be cool, maybe this could be something that leverages to something else. And so I show up and it is me and two other people there for this position, right? Yeah. And I don’t know anybody, and it’s very like it feels like I’m I’m Oliver North in front of the Congress.
Gavin:
That’s my Oliver North who showed up with both tap shoes and jazz shoes and a 16-bar cut just in case.
David:
Correct. And so um, they put us all in this back room and they bring us out one by one because we’re, I guess, the people before aren’t supposed to hear the other people’s answers. Um, even though when you’re there, then you get to hear the people after you. So there’s a woman who went before me. I didn’t hear anything. And then it was my turn. So I go up there and I’m a little nervous because there are three questions that they sent me that I didn’t have answers to and I didn’t bother looking up. And so I was like, please don’t ask me those questions, uh, right out of the gate. They were like, what’s the difference between the board of ed and the blah, blah, blah, blah? And I was like, I don’t know. But what was most important is that I made them laugh. I made them laugh. And I know there’s some Trumpers on there. There’s an anti-vaxxer, there’s an anti-trans person. So I was like, you know, let me put my gayness out front, let me charm everyone. So I’m like, I’m thinking, okay, you know, the lady before me didn’t seem great. I’m I made them laugh. I didn’t know some of the answers, but I had really great ideas. Well, now it’s the third guy, the last guy. And he now I get to listen to him because you know, Jim already in the thing. This beautiful late 30s soccer dad. Like, just like Sashay’s in. He’s got his wife and his kids there supporting him. He sits down, he’s like, Good morning. And I was like, oh bitch. Then they’re like, so blah, blah, blah. And he is a town softball coach. He is already on the planning board. His wife is currently on the board. It was like one of these things where I was like, and he was charming. And, you know, he said it was a little bland. He said all the things they wanted to hear. Yeah. And I said real things. Like one of the questions was, Will you, you know, if if if a decision is made by the board that you disagree with, will you maintain your silence or basically not go against the board? And I basically said, no, I say, I said, dissent is important. I said respectful dissent. I would never get in Facebook arguments. But if somebody asked me if I support that position, I would say I don’t. And here’s why. And I thought it was important. Of course, he was like, I stand by the board 100%. Anyway, the long story short is halfway through his little speech, I was like, hire him. He’s beautiful. And he’s got like three kids in the system. He had a special ease kids in the town over. He was a soccer. I mean, he was just, he was everything. So I didn’t get it, but it definitely lit a fire underneath me to be like, okay, I need to be a little more active, a little more understanding about how all this stuff works. And then maybe next time a seat opens, I’ll get that one.
Gavin:
Your voice deserves to be there, and they would be lucky to have you. And I cannot wait for you to run next year. And speaking of, uh, yesterday was election day. So that happened.
David:
If you’re listening to this, then I assume the country is still running. Let’s hope so. That’s good.
Gavin:
If you’re listening to the sound of my voice, it’s a good sign. It’s a good sign. It’s a very good sign. Um, I would say that um there have been some definitely bullshit politicians out there. Let’s just have a moment of silence for Italy and Georgia Maloney and her brothers of Italy, huh?
David:
Fuck them.
Gavin:
Anyway, um, we’ve already had a dad hack of the week, right?$2 screwing over your children with their teeth. But um, I do have something to ask you, and that would be um What would you do? So I insist that my kids have some kind of balance, and that is because I’m a Libra, and I need balance in my life, and I therefore I consequently force feed that to everybody in my life, and I think there should be balance, right? They tend to be athletes right now. Uh, we’re in a various sports, having society and community, but I want my kids to have some sense of music, right? So we have said you’re gonna play piano through eighth grade at the very least. But unfortunately, my daughter’s in eighth grade, and she’s like, well, thank God I don’t have to do it next year. And we’re like, well, but anyway, she says she hates uh piano. She hates piano, but she’s actually pretty good at it. And once she’s done it, once she’s gone to her lesson, she doesn’t come out kicking and screaming, right? It’s just about practicing, of course, which is kicking and screaming. But do you let the kid quit because they say they hate it, or do you force feed the spinach because you know it’s good for them?
David:
The problem is that there is no answer because when I was a kid, I was forced to play piano. And my I will never forget my dad saying, I know you hate it now, but in the future, if you could just get at a piano at a party and just start playing things, you’re gonna be so popular.
Gavin:
So much, so much sex.
David:
Oh, that beautiful, beautiful woman. Um, so yeah, and he would say that, and in my mind, I go like, I don’t want to do that. Piano is stupid, I don’t care about that. Let me be done with this. And now that I’m on this side, I I do play the piano, but damn, I wish I could play better. And I wish I had been forced to do it. But at the time, there was no enjoyment. So either save the pain for the future or have the pain now. So I think you make sure that they finish up whatever, like, you know, if it’s an eight-week class or whatever, you make sure they finish it up, but then you say, Well, if it’s not piano, we’re doing something else. And you keep you move to the clarinet or you move to whatever. Yeah.
Gavin:
We have done that actually. And I’m like, hey, you want to play guitar? I will give you lessons for playing a life, uh, a life skill that will get you to be the most popular kid at the party someday. Um, I mean, I’m not sure that piano is really the way to do that, but um, yeah, okay.
David:
So here’s the French horn, kid. Go get some, go get some of that sweet, sweet pussy with this French horn.
Gavin:
Oh, what is not so sweet though, David? What? Our top three list. Gatriarchs, top three list, three, two, one.
unknown:
Yeah, nice.
Gavin:
That was kind of sweet. I don’t know. That was that was good. Yeah, just go. Okay, so this week we are discussing the top three best TV parents. And boy, does this make me look old. Because my answers are old people for sure, from the 80s and whatnot. Okay, listen. Um, number three for me is obviously Dr. Seaver, Alan Thick from Growing Pains. Anybody who watched Growing Pains, like that’s the family you want to be in, without a doubt. I’m thinking that Kirk Cameron has definitely gone off the deep end, right?
David:
He’s crazy now.
Gavin:
But um uh I I wanted to live in the Growing Pains house, without a doubt. Um number two, George Jetson. Because like, who doesn’t want to be a Jetson?
David:
Wow, this is so old, Gabe. You you you did prep me for this. I wasn’t thinking 50s old, but this, you know, no, this is this is good. This is good.
Gavin:
Did you know? Did you ever know the show Scarecrow and Mrs. King? No. Well, for number one for me is Mrs. King. Scarecrow and Mrs. King were not a married couple, which definitely gave a lot of sexual attention to the show. And Mrs. King was just a house mom who dup by day and by night or during school hours. I don’t I now I don’t even remember. She was a um like a CIA agent going around and chasing people around in cars and shooting people and whatnot. She was like such a badass. And I would love to have grown up with a mom who was a double agent, because how cool would that be. Yes, you’re welcome, Scarecrow and Mrs. King. Google it. Okay. Take it away, David. I’m sure yours is gonna be much more applicable.
David:
Well, mine are still old. Two of two of mine are old, and one of them is relatively recent. So uh number three for me, Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, and really, really Aunt Viv, because there is an episode where Aunt Viv goes to a dance class. It is legendary. She though though, there was just such fiery love and protection from those two. I love those two. So Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil. Uh number two, speaking of Phil’s Phil Dumpy. I mean, we talked about it a couple episodes ago.
Gavin:
Yeah, see, see, see. I mean, because I am Claire, I thought I don’t know that I would want her as well. Of course they would be great parents. Anyway, sorry, taking that away. Go ahead. Do you see what I mean? I mean, you see what I mean, don’t you?
David:
We’re on episode 86. I know what you mean. This is the business I’m in. So, number two, Phil Dumpy. And number one, best TV parents, Morticia and Gomez Adams. They are just can we talk about like as loving and loyal as they can. Family values, but also be yourself. Be your weird, terrible, wild self. I want to give one special shout-out mention because I couldn’t just do three. Um, Bandit and Chili Healer from Bluey. Those parents are fucking amazing. That’s um, they are animated dogs, but they are amazing.
Gavin:
The best ones that we should look up to.
David:
All right, that’s great. So, next week we are gonna do the top three covers of songs that are better than the original.
Gavin:
Oh, nice, nice, nice.
David:
So, our next guest is a comedian. He’s an actor, a podcaster, a dad, and generally a tall fellow. You’ve seen him on Comedy Central, After Midnight, every late show in existence. And you’ve heard him on such no-name podcasts as This American Life and I don’t know, Radio Lab.
Gavin:
Um I’ve never wait, what are those?
David:
Yeah. And now the death of his career finally begins to take shape as he joins us here today on our stupid gay podcast. Please welcome to the show a fellow New Jersey and fellow Ginger Kurt Bronoller.
Gavin:
Well, Gingers, it’s Ginger Day here.
SPEAKER_01:
Thank you very much. Also proud to be on a show with another New Jersey.
David:
New Jersey and I saw that in your and the various places I was stalking you online, and I was like, okay, so this guy gets it. He’s kind of an asshole, but he’s proud of it.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, exactly. Totally strong survive. Mean but nice. That’s what they say. Mean but actually nice. Outwardly mean, but nice.
David:
Yeah, isn’t that isn’t there a thing I remember because I lived in LA for a while, and it was like New Yorkers are are like mean but kind. And like LA people are kind but mean. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
You know, something like outwardly kind, yeah. Outwardly kind, inwardly mean.
David:
Yeah, exactly.
SPEAKER_01:
That makes perfect sense.
David:
And I’m just an asshole across the board. I’m unkind to your face, and I think I’m kind thoughts.
Gavin:
So speaking of assholes, Kurt, yeah, um, how have your kids driven you bananas already today?
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah. Oh, already today. It’s been last night was the was the was the rough one, man. It was like every moment from pickup to we went to soccer practice. I have a seven and a four-year-old, and my seven-year-old, like every single thing from like where to sit in the car to whether or not to take a bath or to how many people would be in the bath at the same time. Yes. Uh-huh. Was a fucking meltdown. And I tried, I was trying all the stupid, dumb tricks. I was doing everything of just like, okay. After like the 35th meltdown, I was like, okay, honey, what I noticed you’re having some big feelings of doing the big feelings, parenting shit. And uh, and I was like, what’s going on? And then like she had like honestly tears in her eyes, you know, because she wouldn’t put her shoes on. It was about not putting shoes on. And then I gave her a hug and I said, It’s okay, I love you, but we need to get out the door. And then she was still a dick about putting her shoes on.
Gavin:
So that gentle parenting bullshit is just it’s just branding. That’s all. It’s just completely meaningless branding. But wait a minute, it was your four-year-old who was being a dick about it. No, my seven-year-old.
SPEAKER_01:
So crazy that’s a good thing.
Gavin:
And you’re like, this behavior is for a three-year-old. You are seven now. Enough of the teenager business.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah. And also I always find that it flips. Like it used to be that my four-year-old had a really tough time going to bed. Um, and then my seven-year-old didn’t. And then and then it just flipped. And then and then the four-year-old just says, like, all right, there we go. Yeah. And he’s out. And then the seven-year-old now then runs out eight times.
David:
Yeah. I feel like when you have two kids or more, two or more kids, the there’s like the asshole baton that one of them is carrying. And then when that one is like, I think I’m done with this. I think I’m gonna listen to daddy tonight. The other kid is like, well, you can’t just leave that there. I I need to pick up the asshole the time. Tag tag me in. It’s it’s amazing how how putting on your shoes to to those listener out there who doesn’t have any kids. You hear parents talk about putting on their shoes, but there’s nothing that makes me more want to drop off my children at the get at the gas station with just a note tied to them and$10 in their pocket than when they won’t put their shoes on the morning. We do this every day. It’s not a surprise, but to them, it’s like, wait, what are you talking about?
SPEAKER_01:
It is so. And also, I never I always thought putting clothes on would be more difficult because there’s more appendages, they have more ways to move them. For some reason, the foot can be made so limp that it’s not, it’s just stuffing, it’s just like stuffing a sock full of of uh of icing into a tube, you know.
David:
Yeah, it’s it’s it’s terrible, and the the fact that any of us do it is our own problem. I always tell people all the time I have a five-year-old and a two-year-old, and my five-year-old was generally easy. I don’t say easy, but like, you know, he’s kind of shy, he’s a rule follower, he’s in general a pretty good kid. My two-year-old is she is the opposite of that. And it’s like it it to me, if you put them together and then divide them in half, they’re about average kids. So I’m just paying, I’m paying in arrears for what I did. But I tell people all the time, I’m like, I’m not emotionally mature enough to handle this child. Because I’m like, oh, you’re not gonna get in the bath, then stop, you know, and then I slam the door. And I’m like, yeah, this is not for me, this whole parenting thing.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, I did break. I broke once yesterday, not proud of it. You’re never proud of it. Like the the second after you yell, you feel horrible.
Gavin:
But you’re but it’s good to get that off your chest so we all know that when we yell at our kids, we aren’t the only ones. So please tell us how you were a terrible parent yesterday.
SPEAKER_01:
It was just at the point where it had been the fight for about everything. And um, and we f I finally got them both in the bath. My wife was out, um, and I got them both in the bath, and then I was I had to wash her hair because it was like full of knots. And so uh all I needed her to do was wet her hair, and she was like, and she because she had objected to the fact that her brother would be in the bath with her, then she just assumed that she like she was like, I can’t put my feet out so I can get my head wet with him here. And I was just and I just screamed at the top of my voice. Everybody was scared, I was scared, they were scared. We’re in a bathroom immediately felt like a monster, uh-huh, and so then stopped. Um that’s good, and then apologized, and then moved on from there, but also it established a seriousness to the interaction.
Gavin:
And it should and you got the results you needed, hopefully.
SPEAKER_01:
We did, we did, we did with no more complaints, and also I was like, I’ll and I was like, let’s compromise. I’ll get Gus out of the bath and then we’ll do. And that worked, but it does establish a tone.
David:
But that’s what’s so unfair about it all, is that we go, oh, I feel so terrible. I’m a horrible horrible parent, and this is gonna affect them for the rest of their lives. Three seconds later, they don’t they’re thinking about something else.
Gavin:
They don’t give a as somebody who has an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old, I will say there are plenty of times that they’re like, when I’ll I’ll be I’ll reminisce about something like, oh, remember when we rode the Dumbo ride at Disney World? And my daughter will be like, and you yelled at me because XYZ. And I’m like, okay, right. Or remember when we went to Applebee’s and it was so exciting because you’d never been to an Applebee’s? And my son is like, yeah, and you yelled at me because I spilled my Coke.
David:
And I’m like, oh no, we can’t ruin Applebee’s for the future generation. That’s a very important. It sure did.
Gavin:
Well, I mean, so I mean, then in that regard, so you had your seven-year-old who presumably was not a monster uh six and a half years ago, but you all chose to go for another, huh? Yeah, yeah. I mean, what what on earth did you do to bring that on?
SPEAKER_01:
Um, I it was just um I was like, I was like, look, we hit the lottery. We hit the lottery, we have a healthy child, you know? Oh, yeah. I was just so nervous. I was just so nervous about rolling the dice again and be like, who knows what it could, you know? And my wife was like, we’re going for it. And I was like, okay. And then two months after my second one was born, I was like, I’m gonna give a sectomy. We’re not doing this again. No kidding. Yeah, immediately. Wow.
Gavin:
Well, and also, I mean, luckily, you at least have two kids to bring you lots of comedy um fodder and uh material, right?
SPEAKER_01:
Because otherwise, I do find you wouldn’t be funny, right? Four to five is the sweet spot. Yeah, four to five is the sweet spot for just insane shit to come out of their mouth, and it’s like this is a delight. This is a delight listening to it every day.
David:
So you are obviously a big time comedian. Do you find that your content changed right after you had kids? Like were you yeah, so so what was your content prior to having kids generally focused on?
SPEAKER_01:
Um, just more absurdity, just like beavers and birds. Um just weird, weird shit.
David:
Those those those standard comedy icons, beavers and birds.
SPEAKER_01:
Um but also it was a similar, it was a similar transition to what happened when I became single around it was like because I started doing stand-up when I was 29, and then I became single. I had been in like a 13-year relationship from age 18 to 31. So at 31, two years into me starting to do stand-up, I became single again and then started writing about that in the same way, and it’s a much more and that was kind of the first time I really started connecting with audiences because before, again, I was just like, let’s talk about manatees, and um nobody gave a shit. Real animal-based material for the most part. Um and so it’s a similar change. It actually, I think, started before I had kids. It was like when my wife was pregnant, I started talking. Because then also, like, when you’re about to become a dad, you start thinking about your dad, you start thinking about your childhood, and all of a sudden, like all that stuff kind of gets brought up, I think.
Gavin:
And so at one point you were, I mean, you were one of 10 comedians to watch, according to you know, looking on the googs there. I’m so curious, when is it that you become just 10 comedians? Not just 10 comedians on the rise. Like, how do you know you’ve arrived?
SPEAKER_01:
Oh, that’s a great question. I don’t think you ever really do. Um I guess uh I guess if you have billboards. Right. Yeah, that’s bill. If you have billboards on the way to Vegas, that’s when you’ve arrived. I feel like that’s that’s when I saw. I was like coming, I was driving out of Vegas and I saw one for Ali Wong, and I was like, oh, what? Oh my god, that happened so fast. I mean, like it was just after that special came out, and then it was like boom, billboard outside Vegas for like a sold-out show at the whatever, you know, at Caesars. And I was like, that is so fast. I think that’s when it happens when you have a billboard.
David:
But then what’s so fucked up about our industry? I work on the kind of just the television side, and what’s so fucked up about our industry is that it’s not that once you’ve arrived, you have a permanent seat. Oh no. It’s not like, listen, I I Ali Wong, I got a I got a yeah, I got a billboard, I got a residency at the whatever. It’s like, and then what? Well, how are you gonna maintain your relevance? I know show I just had a conversation with a showrunner the other day who was like talking about like applying to different places to work in like normal place. I was like, you’ve sold shows to Hulu. Yeah, you showrunter, what are you talking about? So that’s so like the idea of making it, it’s so that the you know it’s your own um goalpost. I’m trying to use sports analogies because you’re straight.
SPEAKER_01:
Um I don’t I don’t know anything about sports.
David:
Oh, thank god. But it’s funny because you do have to just decide in your head like what is your make it story and just stick to that because it’s gonna change. I remember when I right before I had started working professionally as an actor, I remember thinking, I will have made it if I am in a first national tour, like of a musical that comes to my hometown. Like if I come to my hometown and all of my friends and family get to see me in a professional tour. Um, and of course I did that and I was like, this is fucking stupid. I want to be on Broadway. And then you’d go on Broadway and you’re like, nah, this is stupid. I want to be in a TV show. And it just never ends.
SPEAKER_01:
Never, it never ends. I remember thinking about Tom Cru uh yeah, Tom Cruise. Or no, not Tom Cruise. Um, Ben Stiller. Ben Stiller at like the top of his career when he was like king of comedy, he was trying to get that uh Walter Mitty movie made for 15 years and no one would let him do it. And it’s just like, wait a second, this guy has something that he wants so badly and he can’t get, and then he got it and it was terrible. But uh there was a reason, there was a reason to not get it, Ben.
Gavin:
It is so important, also. I mean, the the psychological mindfuck that it is to be a performer where you’re just always needing to strive for more and at the risk of being super nostalgic, I do feel like that’s an important grounding aspect of parenting because then you’re like, you know what really fucking matters is not really the billboard outside of Vegas. Yeah. Although we all want a billboard outside of Vegas, but it’s to raise non-assholes. Yeah. Honestly. And that’s what matters.
SPEAKER_01:
100%. And I recently had I recently had my 10-year anniversary with my wife, and we went away, and I made this like book of like just pictures from the past 13 years that we’ve been together. And looking at the book, like I felt the same way as you. I would always set a professional goal for myself, I would accomplish it, and then I would, by the time I accomplished that goal, uh the goalpost had already moved, and I was like, actually, I deserved this a long time ago. This I’m I should be here, and it was always I should be here, I should be, should be, should be. And then looking at like the life that we created, I really did felt like, well, this is like a whole universe. In 13 years, we created our own universe, and that is so much more valuable and important to me than any type of career objective I could have. And it’s been so satisfying for that. Um I just want to find a way to make money. Like, if I could just turn a tap on for money, that’s the only problem. I mean, at this point, I I for sure.
David:
Like, ego, I feel like I’m old enough now to where like I don’t need my ego stroked, I just need lump sums of cash. Exactly. If I if if I somehow inherit some generational wealth of like 150 to 200 million, you will never see me again. I will live in my basement in my giant house in Montclair, New Jersey, and I will be watching television and getting fat and getting lipo every six months. That’s the end of my story. That’s great. And I will, right? Doesn’t that sound amazing? That sounds really good.
SPEAKER_01:
I want to get lipo every six months.
Gavin:
Just a touch-up. So what do you ever tour or have you ever toured with your kids?
SPEAKER_01:
No, I tried to do, I have not yet. I think um I’m I’m a little, a little slightly worried raising kids in LA. My seven-year-old loves science and she’s very smart, but she also is like uh walks into the room and it’s like everybody, eyes on me, you know.
David:
But does she is she aware that girls can’t be scientists?
SPEAKER_01:
I’ve told her, I tell her every day. Um and so I’m very worried that she’s gonna try and want to be in this industry, and so I’ve kind of kept it very separate for that reason. But also it’s not something that you can really prevent someone from doing, you know, you can’t control them in any way. I just try and make it very clear that to her, she because she’s already asked stuff, and I’m like, there’s no professional acting for you until you graduate college. I’ve just been very firm about that.
David:
Um tell her there’s a license required, and you can’t even apply until you’re 18. So LA LA requires you to have a license. I’m so it’s not, it’s out of my hands, honey.
SPEAKER_00:
I don’t she already has friends that are in movies. Of course. She’s already gotten to a premiere of her friend in a movie. Do you know what I mean? Like she’s seven. That’s so easy.
Gavin:
Dad, it’s just so easy. I got to walk a red carpet already. People were shoving candy at me. It’s so easy.
David:
That’s what’s so fucked up about, I feel like, being now that I’m on the parenting side of parenting, is like you want to protect, you have that instinct to like protect your child from harm, whether it be for you saying like the harm of uh trying to establish a career in the arts or me with my kid getting bullied at school right now. He’s in kindergarten and he’s just a he’s a soft creature, and I know it’s coming for him, and I want to protect him. However, we all know that a lot of that built us into the creative, interesting, brave people we are now. And I cannot figure out broken, empty inside. Yeah, yeah. But I I can’t figure out what is that perfect lane of like I want to protect them, but allow them to be I know. Yeah, like what is that?
Gavin:
They need to be just just the right amount of bullying and trauma so that they’re interesting. I mean, that’s what parenting is.
SPEAKER_01:
I know it is really, and it’s like, and that I think is the hardest part as well, is why is is is not pre is not constantly trying to protect them, right? Because it’s like that’s all you want to do. That’s all like that’s all you’ve been trained to do from as they’re small children protect, protect, protect, protect. And then there has to become a point, especially before they even reach 11 and 13, where you just have to be like, no, I have to let you get hurt and not step in and fix your problems for you. And that part is like so scary to me.
Gavin:
Sure. And plus, uh, but I also need you to suffer just a little bit so that I have more material to riff on and be funny about. Which speaking of sorts of comedy, I’m curious where your funniness comes from because it’s kind of an adage, isn’t it? That like frankly, marginalized communities are often very funny because they have suffered, right? And yeah, so much comedy comes out of tragedy. So, um, how have you suffered and where does your comedy come from? Mr. Straight White Male. Straight white male on Gatriar.
David:
We did say New Jersey and we did say gender. So there’s two. And manatees. Yeah, manatees, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
Um, I, you know, I don’t like, I don’t have a deeply traumatic past. I have, you know, when my my parents got divorced when I was two, and my dad lived in Michigan. And so I started um flying by myself um to Michigan at age five. Oh, okay. And my dad would never buy a direct flight. He would always get it, it would always be like a three over three-hour layover in Dayton, Ohio. Wow. So I started doing that like four times a year, where I just would spend three hours in Dayton, Ohio by myself. Like there’s a flight attendant who is like doing check-in. They’re the they’re not paying attention.
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
Um, and so that informed a lot. And then also just being like completely independent at all times at home. I started smoking when I was 10.
Gavin:
Uh you know, self-imposing, maybe self-imposed drama.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, like that’s the I mean, that’s 80s in New Jersey. That’s you know, I feel like smoke children smoking is the New Jersey state bird.
David:
I I grew up in Florida, which is just like Jersey, like poor and you know, rednecked and with manatees. I remember, I will never forget as long as I live. Me, I was always best friends with a bad kid, and we found like all these little like they were like rolling papers that somebody had thrown somewhere. Yeah, we rolled them up with mulch inside and smoked them. We would be smoking, we thought we were fucking hot shit. We were like making sure cars passed us looking at a smoking mulch. Smoking mulch. And and this is yeah, and then I started a podcast. Um, yeah, no, it it the the the idea of the a the time that we generally grew up, gaven grew up in the 40s, but the time we grew up in being this like kind of like we were saying this to my husband the other day. I would get home from school, I would have a snack or whatever, and then I would walk out the door to go play or do whatever, and then I would come back for dinner. And from my mom’s point of view, because now I’m thinking about my mom’s point of view, my point of view, I was like, oh, I’m just playing with my friends, I was walking through the woods, I was doing whatever. From my mom’s point of view, my child disappeared somewhere for three hours. Yeah, was she worried the whole time, or is she just kind of like, eh, fuck it?
SPEAKER_01:
I that’s what I don’t understand. It’s such a different world pre-cell phone. It’s just like we can’t even imagine it anymore. Like, imagine going on a trip without your phone now, like getting on a plane. Like, how do you do anything? Anything, right?
Gavin:
I had to just the other day, I was late picking my daughter up from uh being dropped off at the bus after doing a volleyball game. And I said, listen, I’m gonna be about 20 minutes late. I let her know about this on the phone, and I said, I just need you to walk down the road to the Dunkin’ Donuts and just wait there. There was nothing sketchy about it at all, except I admit, it was dark. It the sun had already gone down. It was 6 30. But I’m like, listen, it isn’t that big a deal. I just need you to walk down the road, or you can stay at the school, but it’s cold and dark. Whatever, it’s gonna be fine. But she now, this happened a week ago. She’s brought it up no less than five or six times to say, Remember when you made me walk down a dark road? And I’m like, girl, you had a cell phone.
David:
You were fine. But she’s filed preliminary paperwork with CPS already. Already.
Gavin:
Absolutely already. And she has used it against me to st to um friends of ours.
David:
We had the conversation yesterday about should we put an Apple Air tag in our son’s backpack? Like he’s some sort of migratory bird. Like we’re gonna track this motherfucker, or a manatee, as you know, speaking your language. As it were.
SPEAKER_01:
I would I I’ve thought about that, except for the fact that they are never anywhere near their backpack. It gets thrown on the ground and they run away from it as fast as they can. True. So it’s like, great, I could find the backpack. Right.
Gavin:
And it’s just been laying in a in a uh undisclosed location for the seven hours, but yeah.
David:
So now that you have this really great material generator, do you ever find that you’re like, oh, this is a great joke? And it is like either your family’s point of view, or people are like, uh, maybe not that. Or do you just like, hey, listen, I can say whatever I want on stage?
SPEAKER_01:
No, I wrestle with that a lot. Um, I definitely err on the side of protecting like my family. Um and but I do talk about them a lot, you know? Yeah. But I definitely make sure that it’s never from a negative point of view. Um, even if it seems like it is at the top, it’s like there’s a revelation or something like that, you know, towards the end. And so yeah, I know I am very protective. And I I do agree that it it it doesn’t help the con. To be protective. Like when you see someone who is just like vicious and like no holds part, that’s in an in and of itself like impressive. Um, but also I don’t want to be in that person’s family.
David:
Yeah, but I think you actually do yourself a favor by having that because it’s forced you to just elevate some of your comedy to where you end up being the butt of the joke generally. So your most recent uh special, perfectly stupid, it’s on YouTube. I watch it, it’s hilarious. It’s why.
SPEAKER_02:
Oh, thank you.
David:
You you do kind of that system where it feels like you’re setting up your kids for being like, you know, fuck this girl. But in actuality, you’re the butt of the joke, which is which is both both, I think, protecting what you’re saying, but also often true. Like we as dads are generally the assholes.
SPEAKER_02:
100% right.
Gavin:
I mean, parents in general, moms as well, but yeah, it’s absolutely the parents who are the assholes, without a doubt. Um, and it gives us all the material. And then we do things like start podcasts, which for instance, you had a show called I Love My Kids, but what was the genesis of that? And did anybody ever say, Oh, you sound like an asshole saying something like that? But like this is so universally relatable.
SPEAKER_01:
This was it was um actually, it was brought to us, um, interestingly enough, to do a parenting podcast um by Wondery. Um, and then Wondery decided it should die after less than a year. Uh-huh. Um, but I I think it’s a quality show, and I think uh people should listen to it. It’s yeah, I call it I Love My Kid, but it’s me and Megan Gailey and Chris Garcia all talking about our kids. Um and yeah, that was like a thing that we had to like discuss and have talks about and find out where the line was, you know. And as I was the one with the oldest kids. So I think when your kids are younger, it’s you’re like, there’s no, there’s no way there it’s a very difficult to imagine that a two-year-old will someday grow up and be like, Why did you say that? Yeah, because you know what I mean? It’s like, how are they gonna find out? Are they gonna go on the internet? It’s like, yeah, they are, because it exists for forever. Yeah, they totally do. Yep. Yeah, so that was like a discussion that we had to have and like a line we had to walk to keep it interesting. Yeah.
Gavin:
I mean, I’m walking the most fine line of the three of us here because I do have a middle schooler who has said to me, Dad, I have listened to your podcast. Oh no, and you say a lot of bad words.
David:
First of all, it’s an SFW, so you’re breaking the law, girl, yeah, listening to this.
Gavin:
You were lying about your age to Apple and iTunes and Spotify. And uh, do you want me to throw you, uh, turn you in for that or not? Um, the only thing more terrifying than I can think of than um having my daughter hear everything that I’ve said on this podcast is to be a stand-up comedian on the late night shows. I cannot imagine standing behind that curtain and having one of the Jimmies or whomever announce you and you come out and just I would I see myself walking immediately into a white room. But what is that like?
SPEAKER_01:
It’s a very interesting moment, honestly. It is like just the moment when you’re on the other side of the curtain, and there’s you know, there’s a um there’s a teamster there who like is gonna open the curtain for you and you walk out.
David:
Who makes 14k a week for doing that, by the way? Yeah, yeah, 100%, 100%.
SPEAKER_01:
And so you’re just like standing very close to this curtain, it’s very dark, and whatever is happening right before you is happening. And it is a moment where like it it I find you have to have an active strategy for taking the nervousness and like putting it into excitement to do something. And so, like, and I find going from nervous to excited to be in uh like I I can find that channel to push it over into. And so that’s what I’m working on. I’m just taking that and pushing it over to excitement to walk out, to excitement to walk out, and then the moment it starts, it’s fine. Yeah, maybe like you the walk from that curtain to your spot is like feels like it’s a mile long, um and you’re like waving at people or like pointing, and you’re just like, what a fucking thork, you know. Uh I’m doing the wave in myself. Yeah, but once you get in it, you know, you’re in it.
David:
And and and I I I’ve never done stand-up. I I hope to never do stand-up, but as an actor, I’ve performed in quite a few venues. And I to me, when the venue changes, so like those studios, if you have if you’ve never been in an audience at one of those studios, they’re they’re very small and they’re very and they’re kind of quiet in a weird way. And something about, you know, uh performing in a theater for 2,000 people, and then you do the same number on the today show in this quiet studio, it is it fucks you up. It is a hard thing to kind of throw away and just do your material because it is that venue change, the sound of your voice and everything. It it to me at least, it would always fuck me up.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, it’s a big, big difference. Luckily, I’m used to venue changes because you know, going on the road, it’s every night, there’s often a new venue. Um, but is that moment, but also what the the crazy part is like it’s only five minutes. Yeah you don’t have enough time to like figure something out and then change it. It’s like you’re locked into whatever uh the plan is there. But I do agree that the larger the venue, kind of the easier it is to um feel at ease because there’s an anomal an anonymity that gets built into it immediately. I’ve been doing shows with Kumeel Nanjiani, and we’re doing like 2,000 seaters, and that is just like it’s just a wall. It’s a wall of sound, and then you kind of perform big out as opposed to like, I think there’s maybe like in some late night shows, like 45 people in the audience, 50 people in the audience. Yeah. Yeah.
Gavin:
And we hear it on our side of the television, but we hear a lot more than you do, probably. Yeah. I can you share with us uh like a best and worst moments of being on the late night shows?
SPEAKER_01:
The I think um like one of my favorite moments was the first time I did the tonight show. I think I’ve done the tonight show three times, two or three times. Three times now. And um, the first time Jimmy came on and like to my room, to like it was the first time I was on, uh, and he said, Um, hey, listen, he sat down, we’re like chatting. Um, and you get like a little bag of stuff, you know, when you’re on the show. Uh and uh he’s like, Listen, here’s this bag, you know, we got you know some stuff for you, and I was like, Oh, thanks. And he’s like, Listen, I’m so sorry, but we’re gonna have to bump you. Harrison Ford is gonna come on the show. And and I’ll and I just was immediately like, oh, of course. And I immediately, you know, in like that split second, like go into like repair mode, like, yeah, no, I understand. It’s okay. Do I walk out the door now?
Gavin:
Do I get to keep the Starbucks Starburst or not?
SPEAKER_01:
He’s like, You can keep all this stuff. And then my friend, who was the writer on the show, she was in there with me. She’s like, he’s fucking with you. And I was like, Are you fucking with me? And he’s like, Yeah, I’m sorry, you’re you’re totally going on. And I was like, But it like broke the tension so well. That’s great. That was pretty great.
David:
And very kind and smart of him, honestly, as the host to make sure. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah. And then honestly, the worst part about it is I don’t feel like because late night sets are so specific, I’ve now done, I don’t know, eight or eight of them or so. Another brag. Um I don’t know if there’s one I love. I don’t know if there’s one I would say, here’s an example of my comedy. Because it had you, they the the content and even just subject matter is so scrubbed by network. Um and the way it has to work, where it’s like, come out, you need to have two short things to get quick laughs right at the top, prove you’re funny, and then go into like your thing that you want to do.
David:
You can’t build anything, you can’t build a momentum, it’s gotta start right away. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
And so it is very, I think, um, difficult to have that perfect late night set. And when someone does, it’s very like, oh look, they did it. It’s a hard nut to crack, and I’ve never cracked it to my satisfaction.
David:
Yeah, maybe you’re just bad at this, is honestly what I what I want to suggest to you.
SPEAKER_01:
Um That’s what my brain says. Yes, exactly.
David:
So uh I want to ask just like so so now what, right? Like now you have two kids, you have a vasectomy, so you’re shooting blanks, you’re still doing comedy. Like, what is what do you imagine kind of is the next step for you? What’s the future look like you?
SPEAKER_01:
Uh well, uh my wife and I have written a couple movies. We’ve got one that we’re gonna be directing. Um we’re getting financing for it right now. Uh and it’s set in New Jersey, set in Nasbury Park.
SPEAKER_02:
Yes.
SPEAKER_01:
Um, and so yeah, that’s the next step is you know, creating like we we’ve we’ve created a couple shows and they’ve you know all died in the development process. Um, and so yeah, it’s uh just about making TV shows, making movies.
David:
Yeah. Great time to make TV right now.
SPEAKER_01:
I know it’s so crazy, man. It’s so crazy.
Gavin:
Well, can you share with us a time when I will never forget the time when your kid did blank?
SPEAKER_01:
I remember when Olive was five, she’s a very uh forceful child. And um I was like trying to parent her. I mean, I was like trying to discipline, you know, discipline. I was like, please don’t. Um and she looked at me right in the eye and she said, Are you sure you want to continue down this road?
David:
What? Like, like she has served time, like she’s speaking from a place. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_01:
Like she like she was the lead attorney for Purdue Pharma, and I was just an up-and-coming country lawyer trying to bring an opioids case, you know.
David:
She is Kathy Bates as Matt Locke.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah. She said it to me like I was gonna show up at my tiny country law office the next day, and like three semi-trucks full of discovery were gonna show up and get unloaded out on the sidewalk. That is amazing. That is god and that has honestly been that has her been her approach to me telling her things for for the whole her whole life.
David:
Uh that is that is so amazing because now you know like every night you go to bed, you’re like, you look at your wife, you’re like, should we lock the door? Like, should do we do we need to be worried about this? Um, Kurt, thank you so much for joining us on our stupid little podcast. Speaking of stupid, everyone, please run to YouTube or all the internet venues. Go watch his recent stand-up special called Perfectly Stupid. It’s fucking hilarious. It’s great. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, guys. So, my something great this week is I’m obsessed with the bus stop now. It’s my I talked about it the other week about like, about like the kind of declining fashion.
Gavin:
This is a running theme for you. I think we need our own theme song for David’s Got Bus Stop Stories.
David:
Love it. So I, my new favorite thing, my something great this week, is you know, my son gets on the bus and they all get on the bus and they get their seatbelts on, because there’s seatbelts on buses now. And right, and then it pulls away, and his little face pressed against the window, dude, beaming, waving as hard as he can. I’m like, this is this is maybe making parenting worth it.
Gavin:
This is why you had children. Yes. And you didn’t realize it was all about the waving in the bus. For me, it’s Spotify premium. It is totally worth it that my teenage daughter is so thrilled that she has some license with some element of her life that I over helicopter and more organize, and that is that she now pays me$11.99 a month so that she will have Spotify Premium and she gets to listen to all the music she wants to. I mean, she misses out on penny CD clubs and going to music stores and whatnot. It’s just such instant gratification. But her sense of independence at being able to DJ her own life is something great, and I am here for it, frankly.
David:
And I am here to tell you that that’s our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFm Vaughn everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge at a tombtable near you. Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks, and we’ll make a mixtape for you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.