Full Transcript
You know what’s in it’s a little bit we both got it. Uh our top three of wait oh fuck. You were doing so good too. And this is Gatriarchs.
David:
So my son was sitting in my lap. He was looking at me, and it was one of those like really sweet moments. He was like playing with my beard. And he was just touching it, and he was like, What is this right here? And he puts this little area of hair, I don’t know if you can see, underneath my neck, which is turning a little gray. It was black. I have weird patchy facial hair. I have like red and blonde and black and brown.
Gavin:
I can see it through the camera right now. I look like it is screaming. It’s like an ad campaign coming through Zoom for uh just for men. Yeah, dying your beard.
David:
It’s basically red and blonde, but then I had this black circle for what I’m saying.
Gavin:
All I can see is the gray.
David:
All I can see is the gray. You know what? Shut the fuck up. So this black part has started to go a little bit gray. And so he touched it and he goes, What is this? And I said, Oh, my hair is getting a little gray. And he goes, he started to tear up. I said, What’s wrong? He goes, I don’t want you to get old and die.
Gavin:
And I was like, like my soul, which I already has.
David:
First of all, this is my first gray hair I’ve ever had, and I’m 45. So I should be congratulated. Second of all, I’m not gonna die now. So he thinks I’m old and gonna die. Well, so that’s how I started my week.
Gavin:
That’s the rest of your life as a parent, also is just you’re about to die because you’re so old. Yes. Speaking of things that need to die, defying gravity. Are you are you? I mean, did wicked take over your household like it has taken over mine? Kids of different ages, I realize it might not have touched you.
David:
It it it it it it didn’t with my kids because they’re too young, but we we are two homosexuals who enjoy Broadway. So of course we’re there the first weekend for sure.
Gavin:
Well, it has definitely stayed real strong in our household, obviously, because I have a daughter who who doesn’t realize how much she sings, and it should be a wonderful thing that we always celebrate, but David, she never shuts up.
David:
She could Where does she get that from?
Gavin:
She never stops singing, ever stops singing. And the thing is, she’s a tremendous singer, so obviously we want to encourage it, but no, we don’t. Like the you need to you need to take a break or go channel it somewhere. But of course, as I’ve already established, she’s too good for theater. So that’s why she hasn’t auditioned for anything ever. Not that disclaimer, not that we want her to pursue the arts because obviously she needs to be a doctor or an attorney. Anyway, you know, we’ve been pushing her because we say you are such a talented kid. You love to dance. I mean, just TikTok dancing. She’s never taken a lesson in her life because she doesn’t want to be like us, right? She never stops singing, etc. And um, so um she recently her school is on a system where she takes her unified arts. You’ll learn about this later. Her UA classes kind of um switch a lot during the year. So for three months she’ll be doing one class, and for two months she’ll do another class, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So she’s in a new class and she had to bring in something that represents herself. And so she said, I’m bringing my ticket to Wicked because I love Broadway. And I was like, Wait, I what do you you you do? You you appreciate this thing that we’ve tried to, you know, gift to you for so long and you’ve always pushed back because you hate it all. And it’s just another reminder that however much you push your kids to be the way you want them to be, boy, daddy, you need to back the fuck up and just let them find their way.
David:
But she probably also pushed against it prior just because her dads were in it.
Gavin:
Absolutely. Do you know what I mean?
David:
And then now the actual joy is starting to seep into her. She’s like, oh fuck, I actually really like this thing. How am I gonna go around giving my dads the pleasure of knowing that I am into the thing that they did professionally for years?
Gavin:
Yeah, yeah. And again, I mean that’s there’s that push me pull you, too, is that we’re like, we don’t want you. She’s like, I don’t want to do what you want me to do. We’re like, okay, right, right. You don’t have to do what we did.
David:
It reminds me of that scene in Friday Night Lights where he goes, I don’t want your life. Do you know that scene? Anyway, it was a really good performance of that that a Broadway caliber, if you will. Yeah.
Gavin:
That tracks entirely.
David:
You know what was a really bad performance was there is a crossing guard by our bus stop, and he is, you know, a 300-year-old man, and this is his only job. And it’s very like you are not disparaging. You are not disparaged. I’m just like, I like the fitting the stereotype, right? Like this is this is the crossing guard or whatever, and he’s very nice. And every day he says hello, and on half days he says, Remember, it’s a half day, and all these things. Well, I’m standing there and I’m listening to him talk to kids as they come by, and this one kid came by and he goes, hello, and the kid was like, hi. And the guy goes, Did you miss me? I was gone for three weeks. I was in the hospital. Oh, and the kid just said nothing and kept walking. And he went, Okay, bye. Oh, jeez. I was like, this poor man was in the hospital and nobody noticed. Nobody had nobody. I didn’t know.
Gavin:
I was like, I don’t know. Challenge you to bring flowers to that guy and say, We missed you. Just come on, be kind for once, David.
David:
I don’t even know how to be kind, but it is the season for being kind, is it not? Tis the season. Tis the season. It’s a holiday season.
Gavin:
Are you ready for it all? Oh, yes, of course. You were too fair. In September, you were.
David:
There are very few people in my life where we do exchange of presents. So that takes a lot of pressure off. It’s like mom, internal family, so kids and husband. And honestly, that’s it. Some friends do like an ornament exchange, but other than that, I have no gifts to buy. So it’s actually pretty great. All right. So I get to just relax and enjoy and bake and make things that are gonna make me fat. What’s your favorite thing to bake? My favorite thing to bake is cookies only because I like eating them. Yeah. But this year, my two bakes, because we’re going to a friend’s house for Thanksgiving, are homemade apple pie, which is kind of basic, bitch, but it’s gonna be all homemade. And then also this um this uh this famous uh pumpkin pie recipe that has like salted caramel shell with like white chocolate pumpkin ganache. It’s a fucking fancy thing. And it takes four days to make, and I’m gonna make that.
Gavin:
That um I I don’t even know what to say because I’m not a pumpkin pie fan, but that’s awesome. Anyway, so Christmas. Um, I I can’t wait for you to tell us how your Thanksgiving pie went um next in January at our next episode. Anyway, Christmas is around the corner. It uh it does remind me every single year. I annoy the hell out of my kids by trying to find a way to remind them what’s the meaning of it all. Because, oh my god, my daughter, boy, does she have a list a mile long. And she’s out of toys now. It’s it’s it’s tough. Just you wait. It’s tough at this age because my kids aren’t into toys anymore, which is such an easy way to delight kids. And now they’re just like, if they open a sweater, they’re like, oh, I really wanted this. Put it down, pick up your phone. And there’s nothing, it’s so hard to always have a little challenge. My challenge to myself is to find something that we can all do as a family. They hate puzzles, basically, because I suggest it. They hate games, basically because I suggest it. So it’s um that’s always the challenge to like keep them occupied because we don’t have Legos and shit to put together anymore. But you need a new family. Your family hates all of your ideas, everything. I’ve brought this on myself, I’m sure. Um, but this does all remind me of a couple years ago. I’ve shared this story before, but let’s revisit. It’s worth it. When uh we were decorating for Christmas, and I did want to get on my soapbox just a little bit, even though we are not big religious people. I said to my daughter, um, well, you know what the real meaning of Christmas is uh or why we celebrate Christmas, right? She said, to get presents. I said, Oh, yeah. And and for Santa, yes, yes. But um also there’s um there’s uh the tradition out there that Jesus was born on Christmas. And she goes, Jesus fucking Christ? And my partner and I couldn’t look at each other because we knew we would start laughing. But despite that um harrowing uh representation of what Christmas means, you know, it’s I’m all about like trying to have those difficult discussions about like what it really means. Because I don’t want my kids to just walk around entitled all the time, thinking we get days off for Christmas and get presents for Christmas and all that. Because, you know, there’s a meaning for the season, honestly. Not to sound like the Fox News correspondent.
David:
Well, you are, because first of all, historically, I think Jesus was born in June and they just missed it to compete with Saturnalia and whatever. Totally.
Gavin:
And yes, and um uh pagan rituals around uh winter and yeah.
David:
Totally. But that brings up a thing I wanted to quickly talk about because I know I have a another sub uh section I want to talk about. But um, I have been running into now again, I have a five and two-year-old, so I have very young kids, but my five-year-old is like old enough now to like ask a lot of questions that are maybe ahead of him. And one of the things that’s come up because of the election, because of uh Christmas, because of all those things, words like God, Trump, church, like all of these like really big words have come into play. And he hasn’t started to really deep dive, but I know it’s coming. And really, my question was like, how do I define these terms as so for God, as an atheist family, as a liberal for Trump, as you know, all these things. It’s like, how do you define these things with giving your kid the kind of full spectrum of what it is, but also your family’s point of view, but also you may find a different point of view, all of those like very dangerous things at five. Like my my son came home and he was like, I don’t want, I want, I don’t want the boy to win because one of you, he’s gonna take one of you away from me. Oh, yeah. So that’s his vision of Trump already, right? Right. Um, God, right? We are an atheist family, we don’t go to church, but we have friends and family who go to church. And so defining it without being like him going, well, why aren’t we believing that?
Gavin:
Or maybe that’s what I want to elicit.
David:
I don’t know.
Gavin:
Uh for my unsolicited advice that you’re seeking here right now is the advice that I do not follow. My my partner It’s the best advice, right? My partner is constantly saying to me, Gavin, stop talking to them like it’s a college lecture. Bring it down to their level.
David:
How many of our listener are shaking their heads right now?
Gavin:
How many of our listeners simplifying and making it short? Which is hilarious. I am I know I know, I know. It is not my greatest um talent to simplify and keep it short, but simplify and keep it short and keep their facts. Actually, I actually actually I did get advice from a teacher the other day who said ask them first what their opinion is or what they know and riff on that.
David:
Totally. That that’s really that’s actually good advice. Um did you see how I kept it simple and short? You didn’t, though. When you were describing how you don’t keep it simple, that was the longest thing I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life. Anyway, so I’m I I know these things are coming, especially as our government starts to collapse and we start to wear our red hoods. Right. It’s I I’m gonna have to start defining these hard things, but you’re right. Start keeping it super simple, but also asking him what he knows and then expanding on that.
Gavin:
There is our dad hack of the week. Talking to have one and it was great. I know. Talking about tough topics with your kids first, ask them what they know and what they believe.
David:
There you go. So, one of the last things I want to talk about before we move on to our little bits is, and this I don’t know why. I don’t know why, but I think about this more than anything as a parent. I think about friends of mine or people who are friends with non-parents and that relationship, the relationship you have with your existing friends, and then one of you becomes a parent and how that works. And so I was like, well, how can I help people? And I was like, okay, I’m gonna give my advice and gave in you two to people who are friends with parents but who are not parents because they don’t want to be, right? Not because they haven’t been parents yet. Right. And because I think there’s a lot of misconceptions by the childless people about childed people. So one of the things I want to suggest is as a friend of a person who has kids, always assume they can do the thing you want them to do, even though it may not happen, even though, oh, that’s during school hours, even though, oh, on the weekends are hard for them. Ask us anyway. Ask us to the play, ask us to lunch, and let us say, so sorry, the kids or whatever. Because we are so desperate for adult interaction. And don’t give up. Don’t give up on us. Don’t give up on us because we would rather fight to move things around to make it work and see you. Don’t try to like take that burden on yourself. Okay. Uh the other thing is don’t fake a relationship with our kids that you is not earnest. And I mean, like, if you don’t really spend much time with them, like say hi, hi five them, ask them how day their day was, but don’t like pretend that you need to have this deep conversation. We we don’t need that. Like, I don’t need that.
Gavin:
And the kids don’t care.
David:
The kids don’t care. You’re you don’t have to be as close with my kids as you are with me to maintain a relationship with me. And I think that is a I could understand how you could be confused about that. Um, maybe some people will disagree. I don’t know. Uh email us. Um the other thing, you being childless is a good thing, and we do not judge you about that. I often hear from my childless friends like, well, you know, we would have had kids, but like they’re trying to be defensive as if I think having kids is better than not having kids. Ask any parent that they dream about your life, they want your life, and so don’t feel self-conscious that you’re like, well, we didn’t want a kids, that that’s somehow offensive to us. We fucking love that. Especially we love people who don’t want to have kids not having kids. People who don’t want to have kids and have kids. Um and then my last thing, and this contradicts the other thing, but we are nothing but what on this show? Uh uh hypocrites. Yep, is if you have no relationship with our kids because you just don’t see them and whatever and you don’t really give a fuck, totally fine. Once every six months, uh initiate a hey, how is how are your kids doing? That’s it, that’s all we need. Just to remind us and you that you know who they are.
Gavin:
Simple and short. There we go. Just like Gavin. You know what’s not simple and short? What? Our top three list. Gatriarch. Top three list, three, two, one.
David:
Uh so this is my list, the best list. And so this week, since we are all stressed because of the holidays, I wanted to know what are the top three relaxing things? And obviously, this is very personal.
Gavin:
Um, so don’t get inappropriately personal, or do get inappropriately personal days.
David:
We’ll see where we go. Uh, so number three for me, when somebody squeezes my hands. Oh. Like if a massage therapist is massaging my body and they just they spend a minute on my hands, I’m like, oh God, that just something about squeezing my hands feels really good. Yeah. Um, number two, we went to Scotland uh last summer, and there we went to this like bluff overlooking the ocean. There’s this place called Bowfiddle Rock over on the on the East Coast. And my husband and I went there and we just laid in this gorgeous grass overlooking the ocean, looking at this gorgeous uh Bofiddle Rock. And it was like the greatest, most relaxing five minutes of my life. I was just like, I disappeared into the earth. So number two, Bofidal Rock. Number one, and I’m only saying this because I’m trying to be honest with you, listener, and this is true. It’s not like listening to music or it’s the Lord of the Dance soundtrack. Stick with me without the taps, that music is gorgeous and it’s magical, and it kind of feels like an old 90s Enya soundtrack, but it is. I have I I I get a little nervous on planes now. I 100% of the time will pop in my earbuds and listen to the Lord of the Dance soundtrack. So if you ever see me on a flight listener and you you see me closing my eyes with my earphones on, know that Michael Flatley’s Lord of the Dance is playing in my ears. What am I doing?
Gavin:
Oh boy, that tickled me more than I was expecting. I’m not gonna lie. All right. Uh, top three relaxing things for me. Number three, scratching my calves. I love being able to reach over, getting into bed, getting up, whatever, having a moment, and just scratching the hell out of my calves. And it just feels so good, especially taking your socks off at the end of a long day. I find it so relaxing to scratch the hell out of my calves and my shins. I feel like that’s such a dad thing.
David:
Like you waking up in the morning pulling those socks down, those tube socks down.
Gavin:
Those wool socks I wear in the winter.
David:
Stained wool socks.
Gavin:
Oh, um, number two, I also have an album on here, but in the Christmas spirit, I love the Mary Chapin Carpenter um album Come Darkness, Come Light. 12 songs of Christmas. It’s super old-fashioned. Like you want to talk about like pagan, there’s yeah, there’s it’s pagan rituals with candles and um trees, but it is a great album and it is relaxing.
David:
Is there any Irish step dancing in it?
Gavin:
Or I mean you know there’s there could be because those Irish step dancers can dance to anything because they’re you know superheroes. Number one for me, an afternoon with a book and a glass of wine that accidentally turns into a nap. For me, that is number one. That is good things. But that’s pretty good.
David:
Wine. Oops, I’m napping. That’s that’s pretty nice. That’s good. All right, what’s next week?
Gavin:
I don’t have any clue. Of course, none. None whatsoever.
David:
Do you want me to do mine? Because I have a really good one.
Gavin:
Ah, sure. Why, why, why beat around the bush? Yes, tell us.
David:
So, next episode, we are gonna do the top three things that are way funnier than they should be. Okay. Starting with this podcast. Okay, so this week our guest is someone I have had the privilege of knowing for a very long time. She is certifiably insane, but also one of the funniest and coolest people I have ever met in my entire life. She is an actress, a singer, a comedian, she’s an author, she’s a voice artist, and she’s a mom. You may know her as Dexter from Dexter’s Laboratory or Granny from the Space Jam movies, but I know her as this crazy ass bitch I love and adore. Please welcome to the show, Candy Milo.
Gavin:
Welcome, Candy.
SPEAKER_00:
Here’s my deal. You missed um supermodel, and I’m a little upset.
David:
Oh supermodel. Oh my god. So thank you. Yeah, sex symbol. Yes. Sorry, I forgot that one as well.
SPEAKER_00:
Thank you, sexual icon. Because you know.
Gavin:
Sexual icon. Please objectify me. Please objectify me.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, like somebody, first of all, just fucking notice me would be great. And then do the as much objectifying as in could you move out of the way? You’re blocking my light.
David:
Ma’am, you’re you’re blocking the tomatoes instead of look at look at those tits. Yeah, no, I I want, I want more, I would rather be respected for my hotness than my intellect. Absolutely. Across the board.
SPEAKER_00:
Now I do fight for the intellect, but probably because I grew up with the name Candy with an eye. But other than that, I just remember Undoubtedly. You know, and when my dad was like, why’d you go into show business? You’re like the one kid that could have been fucking president. And I was like, I don’t know, candy with an eye?
David:
Candy with an eye? Very simple response. That one letter fucked me up.
SPEAKER_00:
Thank you.
David:
Did you ever consider Candy with a little heart over the eye? Because I feel like you probably did that in elementary school.
SPEAKER_00:
No, because I was so busy trying to figure out how to be president. I want you to know that I wrote to Richard Nixon when I was 10 years old, and my I wrote like seven pages back in front. Wow. Like my parents run this home for the newly displaced. And I want you to know that they’re having a hard time because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then at the end, please respond with what is the best way I can become president. And Oli wrote back, and I have it framed. Ollie wrote back was, It’s a pleasure sharing a January 9th birthday with someone. Please enjoy blah blah blah. And I’m like, and it’s kind of wrinkled in the frame because I rolled it up in a ball and threw it away. And my dad picked it up and went, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I want to save this. I was like, he didn’t tell me I was going to be president.
Gavin:
You would think they could somebody in that gargantuan office could have had some pithy one-sentence response, like, you know, practice, practice, practice, or something. Or what about women can’t be the president in the United States?
David:
How about something like that? Some honesty, some brutal honesty. Some honesty, yeah. But okay, so let’s go back to how we normally start our interviews, which is hey, how did your daughter drive you bananas today?
SPEAKER_00:
Oh my God. So um she um Gabby is um so so Gabby is 33, going to be 34 next September. Um and uh to from the moment I had her, she was somebody, uh, you know, the Charles Schultz peanuts. So pig pen, where everything around her. So last night I have a two-bedroom, one-bath, large living room, dining room, and a kitchen. In every room, her crap was there. And it was like we went back to her being 11. And the room she slept in, which was a single blow-up bed, um, because it’s my it is my office. This is my little recording studio. Um it you you I couldn’t walk in because I’m the kind of person that needs order, visual order. Um, I’m good at reading scripts because it’s orderly and I see things. Um and I want you to know that when she she did uh eight loads of laundry, including quilts, and then brought it all, folded it and brought it all in. And that’s so on the chair, on the floor, on the coffee table, on the kitchen table, on my desk, were piles of clothes. And I just thought, I don’t miss that.
David:
It doesn’t change, is what you’re saying. Because like I have a five and a two-year-old, gave in his preteens. You’re saying even at 33, even the shit continues.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, whoever they are continues. And it shows up, you guys, in anxiety when anxiety hits. They revert back to that natural, um, that natural sense of self. But when she was little, she would walk in the house from daycare. Um, and Gabby didn’t walk. Gabby stomped. She was like, I’m into house. She would come home and start stripping. But it would be first thing to go off were the tennis shoes. Then she’d kick off her side. But it was like a trail of clothes to where it was. She’d be sitting in her underwear and then she’d look at me and go, juice.
David:
Yeah. She just slowly melted into a naked toddler and just demanded things from you. And demanded. She was at the Beverly Hills pool and just were ordering a mimosa.
SPEAKER_00:
Juice. And I would be.
David:
And then juice, period. Not can I have juice, please, mom. Juice, period.
SPEAKER_00:
And when she got old enough to have a sippy cup, um, if I have the photos of her just kind of lounging around holding that little thing by the handle, watching the Disney Christmas on parade. There is a Disney holiday movie that has the characters in costume in Disneyland, as if they all live there and they’re visiting each other’s. We burned through that that um VHS. We we literally burned a hole in it. And that was her comfort zone. And to this day, she’ll laugh. She’s very funny. Um, and she’ll laugh and say it was uh she had a rough day at preschool being the boss and just being bossy. It’s hard to be at the top, even at the presentation. The CEO of preschool was home, and she just needed to relax with her favorite drink.
SPEAKER_02:
Apple cocktail of apple juice.
SPEAKER_00:
Martin, yeah, juice and uh boss snitch is home.
David:
That’s that’s amazing.
SPEAKER_00:
And I will tell you, in times of anxiety, it’s that that is still it. And I don’t know what you do because that that toddler and preteen thing, guys, I I am doing this because I don’t I don’t miss that. Yeah. And you know, they the adage is however misogynistic, sexist, whatever you want, that girls have it harder with moms. Um, I don’t know because I weird comparison, I am like you. I was both parents. Yeah. And there wasn’t really, there wasn’t really a sex. There wasn’t really that.
Gavin:
Just a just there were no gender roles. You were both you were everybody.
SPEAKER_00:
There were no gender roles. And I I did nine years of her being a vegetarian, making two dinners.
David:
Oh my God. No, thank you. That’s a lot of she had you have to move out, girl. I’m sorry. We don’t have vegetarians, not in this house.
SPEAKER_00:
Right. And also, I’m working full-time, and we lived in the burbs. So I lived out in in the um, and for anybody who’s listening that doesn’t know the LA value, I lived out in Calabasas, not in the fancy part where the Kardashians were.
Gavin:
I mean, they’re I was gonna say that sounds pretty that’s not just Burbs, that’s bouge.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, no, because we were Woodland Hills that was incorporated, and we became, which was thrilling because then she could go to great high schools, but we moved out there because they had their own school district. Uh-huh. And so it was run by a lot of very smart, sharp moms. Yeah. And I really we loved it, but I’m driving to Burbank every day, and I’m out all day long because at that time, Knockwood, I was on 17 animated series. So when I left the house, I was gone. And a lot of times it would be you have candy for 25 minutes, get all her lines in. Then I would be like eating eating a Subway sandwich in my car, like wolfing it down.
Gavin:
So you were on 17 shows. I mean, I hear that it’s a sob uh this is I hear that that was a big old pain in the ass for sure, but also fantastic luxury of like you were busy and it must you must have been thriving. What was your favorite? What was your favorite of all of those many voices you’ve uh it has to be my favorite show to do were two of them uh Mucha Lucha, which was a kids’ WB show, which was an um kind of an offshoot of Cartoon Network.
SPEAKER_00:
It was all Warner Brothers, WB, CW, Cartoon Network, all of that. It was a Cartoon Network offshot from um Hanna Barbera. Um and I did two shows with Cartoon Network that were my hit pick favorite, Mucha Lucha, because I did a character called The Flea from Mucha Lucha, which is my homage from uh for Chichimarin, and he was an idiot, which I loved. And then I did Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, which um fabulously enough, we are getting a reboot. Um I love it. And it is um, and I did a character called Cheese on that. I played Madame Foster, who ran the home for Imaginary Friends, and um I played um a tree plain bird imaginary friend called Coco, and all I said was the whole time. So dollar-wise, she was my favorite.
David:
I was about to say that like word per dollar ratio. That’s that’s giving it’s so funny that you say those two because I don’t know those two. And when you and I met, I uh spoiler alert, I hired Candy for a show I was directing. I had no idea she was this fucking huge voiceover star. But you you were the voice of Dexter and Dexter’s love. For like my generation, that is that’s fucking huge. And now, kids watching movies now, you are granny for all WB projects.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, and it’s been a that’s been a blessing. And because, you know, um one of the great things about starting in voiceover that we don’t have anymore, is as we all know, the industry is shifting. I I believe that we’re shifting into 100% independent productions. So you are gonna have to figure a way to get it made, and then you’ll sell it to a studio that will distribute it, and that will be their only, which is why all of this prime property, all of these studios are going away. I mean, CBS is owned, I believe, by Amazon. I forget, I think Amazon even bought the Cartoon Network building. There, there is no way for um studios to create their own projects. Um, what they want to do, because they don’t want to pay. So they want it on the independent producer to be able to pay residuals and do all of that, and that they’ll just distribute it. And so I think it’s gonna take a couple of years for that business model to happen. But back in the day, um I could make, let’s see, I was doing also I was Astro Boy, I was on Chocksone, I was on my life as a teenage robot, I was um doing some Looney Tunes stuff. I started on Tiny Tunes, I had been doing uh a bunch of stuff. I was on Breadwinners, I literally was working all the time, but it was really because you were in the studio doing, say, a guest star on Codename Kids Next Door, and your session was going to start, say, at two, but you came in to do this guest star. It only took them um like at two hours, so everybody was leaving. Somebody else would come in and go, Who do you have in the booth? I need to recast this thing and do it. And then you’d be there, and then the woman doing contracts was in the building. So she’d bring down contract and you just stayed. And that’s that’s literally the way it was. And then the financial security it gave me having come off of a divorce um when my daughter was three or four, it was it was bad from the jump. But about when she was about four, actually five, it just we had started what ended up being a two-year uh process of just kind of separating and and disillusion. And I had never felt financially secure, and that’s including being married. So doing this, and when we all came of age, there was there was no product. And there were and Nickelodeon, Disney, and Cartoon Network created round the clock um channels.
SPEAKER_02:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
So they’re playing my show 20 times a day all over the world. So this is not these are not real numbers, but say I made$45,000 because we’re only paid$1,000 for a session. So say I made$40,000 in session, I’d make$750,000 in residuals.
David:
What I love about most about those stories is that you’re this this Hollywood icon, this this person making tons of money, working, she’s the star of all these things, is scarfing down a turkey, ham, and cheese on dry bread in Santa Monica. It is just like, it is exactly what Hollywood is to me. It’s like the highs and lows, baby. And that’s kind of similar to kind of your book, right? I wanted to make sure we plug your book because you just wrote, um, you have a memoir. And tell us a little bit about that.
SPEAKER_00:
So I had written, listen, um, to make a very long story short, I grew up in the uh San Jose Bay Area, San Francisco Bay Area, South in San Jose. If this was San Francisco, this was San Jose. Um Dion Warwick.
David:
For those of you, this is an audio platform. She was talking about her head, and then she pointed to her armpit.
SPEAKER_00:
I mean, Dion Warwick didn’t know the way. So um I grew up in a very small town that is now, you know, I I guess it’s I’m not going to get political. I won’t say the new Kremlin. I won’t say that. But um Silicon Valley was not that. It was ranches and farms, and it was very much like the Midwest. It was a lot of ethnicities, and Ronald Reagan decided that he would close 32 mental hospitals and wards in the entire state of California. And the idea behind that was that um families would take up the mantle and they would take their relatives in, or they could be rehabilitated to um be in independent housing. All right. So we’re we have that going. That was the idea. They had the full backing of the ACLU. When I tell you this was everybody thought, yes, hospitals are a horrible place to be. There are abuses, all of this is just horrible.
Gavin:
And so many movies and stories and books based upon, frankly, mental institutions, always from the 50s and 60s, which um which were not a great way to live, but people were were theoretically cared for, right?
SPEAKER_00:
Until They were safe, is what it was. They were housed, they were safe. Um, we have to remember when so my dad had been a performer on the streets of New York in the 20s. If he were alive, he’d be 110. And he died very, very young. Um, but if he were alive, he’d be 110. He was performing when the USO used to pay. The USO used to be a job, and it used to be called ASUSO, Arms Services, whatever the fuck, you know, uh USO. And um, and there were five of us kids. It wasn’t a lot of money. We were living in a motel that my my aunt owned, and my mom was cleaning and renting rooms, and my dad was traveling. First, it was the Philippines, then he was in Vietnam, and he was seeing these guys becoming shell-shocked, and we lost Vietnam. We pulled out and he was worried. So he was doing these stateside shows, and I say it in my book, and I want you to think of my book as the prose style of David Sederis and the mouth of Carrie Fisher. Because we basically had the same parent. One was famous, mine wasn’t. But they both worked, and and my dad knew Debbie. So we he comes back and he’s doing these stateside hospital shows that he used to call the shits. Um, a state hospital inside tours. So he meaning inside country. Yep. So he was doing this tour and he was singing at, I think it was Agnew State Hospital. And I used to go with him because I was born into the wrong family, and I had a very high IQ. I was, I had a lot of pizzazz. I’m just gonna say both of you would have given me up for adoption. I just want you to know that. Both of you would have said, plea, I taught myself piano at five, I taught myself to read at six, I would skip two grades. I it was like one of those where I was.
David:
You’re a sex object. We know that is it supermodel, totally supermodel.
SPEAKER_00:
Probably a fucking alien. Um I gotta say that carefully. I would believe that. Deported. So um I used to go with him, and one night he was with Martha Ray, and they were doing a double in this hospital, and I would sit in the back and sell my dad’s records at a card table that he would set up. He is doing a double with Martha, they’re doing their thing, then she does her show, and then my dad has this conversation about the imminent closure of all of these hospitals. And these doctors had this idea that there would need to be created these interim homes where people, once they were um discharged from the hospitals, and if they had long-term, think about the people that had been in there since 18. They’re not teaching them to read. They’re not they’re they’re and they’re coming out at 30 and 40 not knowing anything. They can’t rent an apartment, they can’t get a job, they can’t.
David:
Like a halfway house, kind of.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes. So that’s what they opened. We were the very one of the very first, if not the first, licensed halfway house in the city of San Jose. And um, I had done my research by going up to San Jose and going to the San Jose State Library and pulling term papers from that. And a lot of what the students were writing about was the big lie back then was that there was about 25,000 people that rolled out over three months. In six months, 265,000 people were released from mental institutions in the Pacific Northwest and in the West, and everybody sent them by buses. Everybody was in San Jose. So at the time, what we were prepared for, San Jose had 6,000 beds for 25,000 people. And what they were saying was that they’d get 90 days and then you’d move on. I don’t think we lost anybody ever in the 16 years that my dad ran this place. From the time I was eight years old until his death when I was two in 1984, I was 23.
David:
Wow. You know, when you say the big lie, you’re gonna have to be more uh you’re gonna have to be a little more targeted because there’s a lot of big lies, which is uh, you know, yeah, and uh this one only affected people who didn’t vote.
SPEAKER_00:
Um this one affects people who did vote.
David:
Amazing. Amazing how that amazing how that that that worked.
SPEAKER_00:
I used to like be on stage and I would show all these pictures that I have, and people it made them disconcerted because I think they got the idea that all my comedy was making fun of the the mentally ill that we cared for instead of really hearing that the idiots in this story were us. Oh, yeah. My dad was a stand-up that they gave a house to, and my dad ran it like a nightclub. Like he literally ran it. Everybody looked like they were dressed like waiters. They he bought we had were lived in a for a converted fraternity house a block off the San Jose State campus. So my dad had a PA system and he’d do a radio show before every meal, and then he would sign off. And so we lived in that building for the first year, and then we moved next door. So, no, I’ve never had a slumber party because we never knew if which Jesus would show up.
David:
But I I want to get to something I we’re running out of time a little bit, but I want to talk about something that we had talked about before we started recording, which was you had said something about like as Parent, you’re like, I there’s so many things I wish I had done differently. And listen, you grew up, you you’re you’re you’ve got this huge career, you were a single mom, you had this the story about your your life growing up. But I am curious, after all of that, you have this wonderful daughter who I know and just got married. Congratulations. And what do you wish you had done differently as I wish I’d let her be helpful? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
I wish you, I wish I had let her pursue what she wanted to pursue. Because my dad stopped me because I I was a bright kid. I was really bright. It was a lot of testing, relocating schools, trying to find places where the pizzazz could be tamped down a little bit, and then the brain could go forward. I did enter college at 17. I was accepted as a pre-law student at a very at 17, was totally lost. I wish that I had allowed Gabby to pursue what she wanted, and she really wanted to act. So what my dad did to me by saying, Oh, oh, oh, oh, because he didn’t want me to sing, he didn’t want me to perform, and David can attest to this, I can’t hear harmony because I’m always off and I’m always waiting for somebody else to start the phrase, and then I’ll know what my note is. And I did it. I was in Dream Girls, uh, I was in the first national tour, and I was hired by Michael, and he used to say, God love Michael Bennett, I want you to sing this, but standing over here. And I remember saying to him once, and he fucking loved me. I remember saying to him once, I can save you a lot of time. And he would cross his little arms like this, and he’d go, Oh, really? If you just let me sing what you want me to sing, singing next to this girl who’s singing the same thing. Because if you put me next to this person, I’m just gonna sing that because I’ve been destroyed. And I wonder, I’m gonna cry, but when I see my daughter hesitate for her talent, and I I’ve said this before we started that my daughter is amazing, and my daughter is my mini me. And I remember the first time she did a little commercial, and the or she did an audition for Michelin tires, she was so chubby, they wanted her to be in the inner tube. They wanted her to be in the tire. The first thing the director said was, as I was walking in the room, and she’s tiny, and the director came out and said, Oh, we don’t want parents in the room. And I stood up and crossed her name off the um thing and left. And I will never forget this casting person, a Blanca, came out and was like, Candy, you’re leaving. I said, I’m this is a child under one. I’m in the room.
David:
Yeah, yeah, I’m in the fucking room. That’s I’m in the room, that is non-negotiable.
SPEAKER_00:
And I said, and if I called SAG right now, you’d they’d close this down. And I you don’t you don’t know if they’re photo, and that was what stopped me. That’s what I said. Um, and she does sing like a mother, but she is one hell of an artist. And she has this idea for a children’s book that she’s never started, and and that I would do what I would do the same as I would never hit her. I would never I what I would do the same as what I did was that I will give you the opportunity to make good choices, and I will stand by you if something bad happens. Um and but I will not pay your consequences. Before we go, I will give you one one thing. So she was joy riding in my car, and I had a BMW X3 because I also drove everywhere. I’m like, wait for me, you’re gonna get there late because I gotta work, and then I’m gonna commute home in an hour and a half traffic, and then I’ll take you and all of the friends that want to wait and drive in the cool car with the mom who’ll do cartoon voices for them. I’ll take you. And I gave her that car to do something, and they pulled her over. She was 16, so she couldn’t have anybody her age in the car. That was you had to be 18 or older to drive, and she was doing 85, and they pulled her over, and the first thing she did was pull over immediately into the fast lane.
David:
Oh my god.
SPEAKER_00:
They pulled her over, and um, she called me sobbing, and I said, put the cop on. And he said, I don’t know what to do. She is so cute, she’s so devastated. I got a kid, I don’t know what to do. I said, scare the shit out of her. I said, grab her license, grab everybody’s license, and that I said, and then go sit in your car and call me back in 10 minutes. My daughter walked in, she was shaking, and I don’t even think she’ll hear this. She didn’t know that I did it, but I needed her to pay that consequence.
David:
Yeah. Yeah, 100%. That getting pulled over experience is like a really great, it’s it’s a it’s a safe consequence that they can learn in almost like a little bit of a curated way. Like that, that you I’ve heard this advice before where it’s like let your kids do dangerous things. It’s obviously within reason, but it’s it’s so you can push them, but you kind of in that situation you’re like, you’re gonna be fine, you’re not gonna be arrested, but I’m gonna fuck you up a little bit. So you the fear of God gets in you. And I I just I there’s so much I want to talk about. We’re we’re out of time, but like I want to talk about dream. I babbled. You do, you babble, but you babble the best, and I love you. And there’s so much more to talk about, but thank you for joining us on our stupid, stupid fucking little podcast.
SPEAKER_00:
I will I will ask you guys, I have this is the cover of my book, and it’s called Surviving the Odd, but it’s not in print. The new Surviving the Odd comes out in March, but it’ll be available for pre-order in February, and it is called Surviving the Odd. And the subtitle is the fine line between laughter and lithium. And um it is um it’s a wonder. I think it’s a great coming of age story. And if I can live through that, you guys can live through fucking teenagers.
SPEAKER_02:
Get over it. Preteens.
SPEAKER_00:
Um, you’ll you’ll be fine as long as um you parent with love and I don’t hit. So only because I was afraid of being hit back. So giant, giant toddler. Juice! Juice! Juice!
David:
Juice! Thank you, Candy.
SPEAKER_00:
You’re welcome, my loves. Thank you so much.
David:
Thank you, Candy. So, my something great this week. Uh, as we know, I’m obsessed with bus stops and bus stop culture now. It’s it’s my favorite thing in the world. We talked about the crossing card earlier. At our kids’ bus stop, there is uh just like a little park. It’s like uh Fireman’s Memorial Park, but it’s like you know, green space, and the kids kind of play and then the bus comes and they all get in line. Well, the other day, they got the kids got to the bus stop and somebody had left a shopping cart there, like from the Walgreens five blocks away, and the kids lost their goddamn mind. They were like, this is the coolest thing. They were like putting leaves in it, and they were running around and they were pushing each other in it, and they were moving it down like this was this was the greatest day of their lives. And I was like, Yeah, a shopping cart where there shouldn’t be a shopping cart for a child for five-year-olds is the greatest day of their lives. And it was just this beautiful moment of like, I can I can put myself in their shoes and be like, this is this is amazing. And so that was my something great.
Gavin:
Uh, my something great has to do with um daddy-daughter dates. And recently um I totally shifted her time space continuum by proactively saying, Hey, want to go to Starbucks? Like, not on the way to anything, not uh because I was trying to bribe her. Well, actually, I was kind of trying to bribe her into having deep conversations with me, but being able to have daddy-daughter date at Starbucks, where you don’t tell her, can you just get a tall instead of a grande? Must you always go for a grande? And getting those cranberry bliss bars, and I got a um uh the toffee, shoot, the praline latte with lots of whipped cream on top. And we just sat and frankly gossiped, gossiped about our friends, gossiped about our friends’ parents, and there was very little agenda on my plate for once. And um it was just spontaneous, and I was able to show her. See, I don’t always say no to absolutely everything.
David:
And that is our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM VaughnEverywhere, and Gavin is at short and simple on nothing. Please leave us a glowing five-star review wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks, and we’ll celebrate all the holidays with you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.