Full Transcript
Oh wow, that you’re all you’re taking a deep breath before we’re even starting.
David:
I know. I was just trying to center myself before we start recording.
Gavin:
Okay.
David:
Um Well, I was riffing on it, so I think that was a great start. Yeah. We’re yeah. It’s it’s been that I feel like I’m having sex for the first time. I’m just not quite oh I don’t know. Wow. You go, I go, we go, no, we go, and then it ends in disappointment. And this is Gatriarchs. So Gaben, on January 17th at 6 19 PM, I got a notification on Instagram. Okay. Do you know what that notification might be?
Gavin:
Was it TikTok related? Like Instagram. On Instagram. Oh, well, right, but was Instagram like co-opting all of TikTok’s followers to was it did it have something to do with the impending doom of democracy? Nope. No, you wouldn’t be that. Okay, never mind. It had something to do with Kim Kardashian or Beyonce.
David:
No, I’ll tell you what it was. Oh, geez. The notification said Gavin Lodge followed you. Explain yourself.
Gavin:
I I I I I have I have nothing. I have I I I am a I am an empty crater of soul right now. What’s so what’s what’s even more pathetic than that is that I don’t even remember doing it, frankly. I spent, listen, the bulk of my social media time is spent actually frantically trying to do our social, and I tag you every single time, and I tag myself every single time, and it did not occur to me that I wasn’t following you. Because I see your shit all the time on our feed. It doesn’t occur to me. I I spend so little time on my I’m not I’m not even gonna bother digging out of this hole.
David:
My surprise, my jaw a gate when I thought Gavin love. Two years? First of all, two years into the podcast we’ve been together, let alone 15 years I’ve known you.
Gavin:
93 episodes in. Uh-huh.
David:
Yeah. So anyway, everyone out there, yeah.
Gavin:
Thank you for not hating me for that and making me laugh about it.
David:
My other favorite thing that I’m gonna make fun of you about was Gavin was asking me uh where a certain document was. And Gavin and I have a Google Drive full of every episode, every file, every contract, every email, everything we’ve ever done. It’s where we do all of our business. And Gavin goes, where is that? And I said, Oh, it’s in the Google Drive. And he goes, Oh yeah, I forgot we had one.
Gavin:
Babe, where do you wait? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This one I will defend myself on. Okay. Wait, what was it? I was looking for our logo, right? Because I had because you know, as you know, Instagram has changed, you know, its formatting, right? So we no longer have squares, we have rectangles so that they can keep up with TikTok, basically. And I needed to redo our logo for our social media posts. And I didn’t know, I thought, oh, whatever. This is never mind. Fine, just make me look dumb. I didn’t know where the logo was, the original logo that you created on Photoshop.
David:
So I figured It’s all fun. It’s all fun and games until somebody doesn’t follow them. All right.
Gavin:
Or gets too defensive about it for his idiocy. Oh, I love being the butt of your jokes, but not being your butt anyway. So this weekend, I need your advice. Okay. How, how to fucking deal with a teenager. I mean, remember that I’m sure we’ve joked about how Tina Faye has her famous thing about like living with a teenager is like having a work crush, and you’re always kind of like, hi, um, I don’t mean to bother you, but you know, there is so much walking on eggshells with a teenager where you’re kind of like, I don’t know what monster is gonna come out today. I do not now, also, disclaimer for all of the people out there trying to dox me or us about talking shit about our children. I love my child more than oxygen. She’s wonderful. It’s all age appropriate. There’s nothing inappropriate about her behavior. But she is, but she is absolutely bonkers. You do not know what animal is gonna come out day to day. And so this weekend, we met a family of mine in Providence because it’s halfway. They live in Massachusetts, so we met halfway. And we were gonna have lunch and just go for a walk around the Brown University campus just because like it was something to do, right? And it was max two hours. I mean, we got burritos at some like super divey campusy joint. And then we just walked around the campus because, like, what else are we gonna do? We weren’t gonna go shopping, we weren’t going to, we weren’t gonna force my kids to see a museum or anything. Anyway, I mean, this is what, by the way, what peak white people shit.
David:
You’re like meeting at a university to have lunch and walk the campus. Sorry, I just wanted to point that out. Yes, during Black History Month. Continue. Yep.
Gavin:
Do you did you ever know about um a website 107 years ago when you were just maybe in middle school? Um, called stuff whitepeopleke.com.
David:
No, but it’s I love it already.
Gavin:
It was, I mean, the mockery of whiteness. It was so genius. And I’m sure that walking an Ivy League campus was probably in the top three. Probably. Anyway, so that’s what we were doing. Yeah. And um, the idea of like meeting up with family for the one time a year that we meet with them and then going for a walk. Like, what else do you do, right? Like, even when we were kids, you might be like, hey, we’re gonna go see Aunt Jean and Uncle Henry, and we just meet up, right? Well, anyway, my daughter could not take the fact that we were just going for a walk. This definitely falls under the category of children these days. I know, just get off my lawn, get off. But uh she the idea of being bored is intolerable. And if every damn moment of the day is not adjacent to Disneyland, it is World War III. So the point of this story is I kept my shit together and I said nothing. Because I was keeping up appearances for my uncle and aunt, right? And I wanted them, of course, to think that I was a great parent. But the whole time I was maniacally devising what punishment would happen in one half an hour as we’re walking around trying to find anyway. So my punishment in this case was, or rather, I didn’t want to punish her. I didn’t want to yes, I did want to make her feel bad. But so my punishment was you have to write me a three-page essay.
David:
And I had a whole bunch of questions the most Gavin lodge punishment I’ve ever heard in my entire life. You have to go to a museum and write a dissertation.
Gavin:
So I wrote out a bunch of questions like, why do you think I was disappointed? Why do you think this was disrespectful? Why do you think it’s important to respect your family that you only see once a year? But also, how could I have done this differently? What would have prepped you better? You know? And I feel like it was mildly successful in terms of, you know, I didn’t scream in the moment. We debriefed it afterwards when everybody was calm. She did apologize. She’s like, I know, I know, I was a jerk, I know. But then, but then the takeaway from it all is basically she’s like, I don’t like surprises, and I don’t want you to. You told me we were just having lunch. I didn’t know we were gonna go for a walk. And I’m like, you know, oh, the day.
David:
We’re bipedal, babe. This is what we do.
Gavin:
Back in the day, your parents told you to get in the car. You didn’t ask, where are we going? How long are we gonna be there? What do we have to do? What we just did it, right?
David:
Have we approached now back in the day? I just walked uphill. Okay, all right.
Gavin:
Absolutely, absolutely. Anyway, but she I do appreciate that she said, just please don’t spring surprises on me and let me know what to expect. Which I know if I had said, and we’re gonna go for a walk across an Ivy League campus for an hour, I’m pissed. It wouldn’t have been as bad as the behavior that elicited it. Anyway, what is my takeaway from all that? Apparently, I have a child who hates surprises, and I was not quite as much of an asshole as I usually am.
David:
I don’t, I don’t know. Uh I I don’t have obviously I have young kids, five and three, and my three-year-old is a challenge. Um, and I don’t know what I’m gonna do when they’re in adult bodies because right now I like, I’m just like blow it up and walk away. Like I’m like starve, and then I just like leave, or I, or I sh put them down in the naughty corner and I turn on a timer, or I just lock them in the bathroom or something, or chain them to the tree outside, or you know, like normal things. Yeah. Um and so because I don’t have the I’ve said this before, I don’t have the emotional maturity to negotiate and thought I get so enraged by a three-year-old girl, by a three-year-old girl, I just I get my blood boils so hard. The thought of that coming from a 13-year-old girl in an adult body who can just I just don’t know how I I’m gonna have to develop some real emotional maturity before my kids get older.
Gavin:
That’s why I am here taking your abuse constantly on a weekly basis, is I do feel like this is my volunteer giving back, is to impart my knowledge on you so that you can completely forget it. But ultimately, I’ll get a text from you in 10 years that’s like, okay, you were right. You were right. But you know what?
David:
It like my thought was my my first thought was like, then just you don’t bring her anywhere, and the punishment is she doesn’t get to go anywhere. But actually, that’s exactly what she wants. But that but I was just gonna say, she would love that, and that doesn’t help her grow.
Gavin:
Like, I get all the things that she’s gonna deal with the coping mechanisms of just like dealing with boredom once in a while. Listen, I didn’t want to walk around Brown’s campus. Are you kidding me? It was totally boring. Oh no, it wasn’t actually totally like the architecture, it’s white culture, Gavin.
David:
You love it. Rice Krispie treats, boiled chicken, walking Ivy League school campuses.
Gavin:
Doubling down, doubling down on the whiteness they were having, they were having an a cappella group festival.
David:
Oh my god. I apologize to all of our POC listeners right now for Gavin and his absolute refusal to acknowledge.
Gavin:
But all of those students, it was it was not it was not a bunch of white people, that’s for sure. It was um there was lots of diversity in these a cappella groups that were so wholesome and so earnest about their a cappella, which spoiler alert, I was in an a cappella group. I know like you act like this is a surprise to me that you’re saying this.
David:
Like, of course this makes sense. Oh, wait, listen, you you initially had asked for my advice, but then you ended up not asking for the advice. Yeah, I don’t have advice because I don’t know. I I not again, I’m not emotionally mature enough to handle it. So I’m gonna counter your ask by another ask by asking your advice. Um, is I am now at the phase where my kids more than half the time demand I wipe their butt. In fact, my my son the other day said, Come in here, wipe my butt. I said, No. And he screamed at the top of his lungs, wipe my glorious butt. And I was like, uh uh, and so I need some advice on how do I break this, other than just like let the because if I just don’t do it, they’ll like half wipe and then they just have shitty ass all day. Yeah, and so rashes and discomfort and and this is not a what would you do, which is coming up. Oh yeah, I have a real what would you do.
Gavin:
I I do remember that time thinking, bending over the back of the backside of my kid as they lean forward and I’m like, and I’m like, this is what my life has become.
David:
And they’re like, don’t wipe too hard. Yeah, I’m like, this is a wet wipe. We have to wipe our butts with leaves in the day. Yeah, we sure did. We sure did.
Gavin:
I mean, I am speechless as to how you do that. What is the mental trick? I mean, do you incentivize? Do you say, hey, you get three MMs if you do it yourself, that kind of thing. I mean, they do have to eventually learn to do it. They have to learn that if they don’t do it well enough, they’re gonna have discomfort and they’re gonna have our issues and whatnot. So, I mean, have you thought about just bribing them? Because that’s what parenting is about, is bribers.
David:
Also, like the I’m just so proud of us for the consistency of our podcast of being unhelpful, answering no questions whatsoever. People out there like, well, so what do we do with our teens? What do we do with our butt wiping? I don’t know. Throw MMs at them and leave them home.
unknown:
Yes.
David:
That’s our advice today.
Gavin:
That is our advice. Throw MMs at them and leave them at home.
David:
And um and give up. All right. Well, this has been really wonderful, but let me actually ask you. Okay, I have a very rare moment of asking you for a what would you do.
SPEAKER_03:
What would you do?
Gavin:
What would you do?
David:
No. Oh, God. Um, okay.
Gavin:
I thought you would sing it. Why not?
David:
No, I actually can’t do it any better than I can. I just play the clip every time. I let the professionals do it. So I was at a children’s play place over the weekend. You know the kind, you know I’m there every weekend. Petri Dish. And there was a woman there who had a very young baby who was breastfeeding her baby. And I walked by, I was like sitting kind of adjacent to her, and I looked over at her, and like the baby was being cute or whatever. And I just like was smiled at the baby. And I was just thinking about, I don’t know, I haven’t had an infant, but feels like forever, even though it was just, you know, two ago. Um, but I was just like having a sweet moment of, you know, that thing that we all do, we forget all the hard parts. We’re just like, oh, I have to have a little baby again. And then I kind of glance back up, and there’s her and her husband glaring daggers at me. Because what they think is that I’ve been staring at her naked titty out the whole time and smiling like a fucking cheetah about to eat their prey. And I was like, oh my God. And my first instinct, as we are, as we as gay people know, like when we’re in a parking garage alone with a single woman, is to gay it up. Yeah, just faggot me all the way, just to be like, girl, you are safe with me.
Gavin:
Springing and let’s talk about Taylor spraying purses and pearls out of your mouth.
David:
Throw pillows out of my butthole. And so I literally froze. I didn’t know what to do. So, Gavin, I ask you, what would you do?
Gavin:
That was when you try, it makes it worse. Yeah. Which might be the same. What would you do, Gaben? Answer the question. I do think I would gay it up. Yeah, I would totally laugh and be like, oh my gosh. Uh, just in case.
David:
I mean, I don’t say nice titty, which was my instinct. Like, it’s a great titty. I love it. I love, yeah.
Gavin:
It would definitely spoil uh yeah, shocker. I would overcompensate greatly. And it would become diarrhoea of the mouth of me being like, oh my gosh, you’re like, oh wait, no, no, no, but listen, no, no, I am not interested. No, no, I’m just admiring it. Oh my god, not admiring. Okay, what I what I actually mean to say is, and then the fire alarm would go off, and thank God I would just be able to run away. But um, no, I would absolutely gate up and address it though. I think I would because I can’t stand the discomfort in public like that.
David:
I would it was so uncomfortable. I just wanted to light the place on fire and run out. Yeah. Even though there were children playing inside. It was like worth it.
Gavin:
That is really funny. So, what you didn’t do anything? You just sat there in discomfort?
David:
I froze like a deer in the headlights. Yeah. We all made eye contact, and then I walked away. I just didn’t know what to do. And then I just avoided them for the rest of the day. Oh god. Anyway, so that was super awkward and uncomfortable. But do you know what else is super awkward and uncomfortable? I think I do, but tell me.
Gavin:
Our top three list. Gate three arcs. Top three list, three, two, one. So this week is my list, and I am so excited to hear what you have to say about the things that you did or had in your childhood that you’re sad your kids won’t do or have. And I do want to Yeah yeah. And um this was so easy for me to bring this list together because I immediately knew what I was thinking of. But it’s also embarrassingly get off my lawn again, because it’s it’s me making my children suffer. Because they have plenty of shit that they’re happy about. So they don’t need more things to mix that I miss that they be happy about. So anyway, number three on my list, uh corded phones. I wish my kids understood what it’s like to have no privacy on a phone call or stretch the phone around the corner through a door and have to sit there with your head up against the door with the doors sort of closed, and you think nobody’s listening, but really everybody’s listening, right? I think corded phones are a lost art, right? Yep. Number two, Saturday morning cartoons. Like they just get their instant gratification all the time at every moment of the day. Remember the thrill of waking up on a Saturday morning and thinking, oh no, I’ve missed 15 minutes of smurfs already, and you bolt out there without peeing first. And so you’re sitting there doing the pee-pee dance for 45 minutes while you get to watch the smurfs. Although you had really long commercial breaks, so you could go then. And also, because of Saturday morning cartoons, you knew what task for for Christmas because there were so many commercials, right? Mm-hmm. Number one, boring road trips. I, my kids, you know, it’s such a battle to get them to get off their phones when they’re in the f in the car. And that lost art of getting bored and just watching the world go by. Then again, I don’t do a lot of road trips with my kids, but when we do, I want them to be bored. And I think boredom is important.
David:
So I know this is just a bunch of old man saying, No, listen, most of our listener knows that boredoming is very important to you. In fact, they hear it for about an hour away.
Gavin:
Oh, geez, I’m so sorry. I’m so predictable, listener. But not you, David. Anyway, what’s your bullshit? You’re gonna spew to me.
David:
All right, so number three for me is being able to explore and play alone.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah.
David:
Basically, the idea of like you can just kind of go out for a couple hours and fail safely in the neighborhood, in the town, or whatever. Um, and I think you could still do that a little bit, but I think in general in our childhoods, that like there was this idea of like you come home from school and you kind of just disappear outside for a couple hours, and your parents had no fucking clue where you were. And that allowed you to kind of live in a way that I don’t think you can live anymore. There’s no now, there’s cameras everywhere. Like I did some really fucked up shit, and that if it was caught on camera, I would not have a very, very successful podcast like that. Uh, number two, that to live in a time before and after computers. And I think my generation was like we grew up with a computer in the house, but we were the first. And so we had like my elementary school time, no computers, and then middle school, a computer came. So we got to develop media literacy in real time. So I feel like I can look at a website, at an email, at a text, at anything, and immediately know it’s fake or not. And my my mom doesn’t have that, and I think Gen Z doesn’t have that because they don’t have the before and after kind of point of view. Yeah. Um, and number one is being ignorant about the world burning down around you. I feel like when you ask people who were adults when we were kids, like you’re like, oh, the world was so perfect. I’m like, no, it fucking wasn’t. We had, you know, all these horrible things going on. But we we had no connection to that other than if we read a newspaper or watched a 6 p.m. news and being able to be a kid and be ignorant about some of the shit around you is amazing. Um, I’m gonna give uh just a quick honorable mention to being forced to wait to download porn. Goes like I remember downloading photos of men in swimsuits, and just line by line that code was filling in. And I had to wait a minute, two minutes, three minutes for a photo of a man in a swimsuit.
Gavin:
So I’m gonna give also one last honorable mention, something I saw on um Instagram just the other day, but though on our feed, not my own. Therefore, I have no idea if it was you. Sure. Sure. Which is what thing from your teenage years do you think should make a comeback? The prevailing belief that Nazis are bad. Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Yes. All right.
David:
Let’s bring it up for next week, David. Next week is going to be super chill, super parenting-y. What are your top three snack hacks? All right. Oh my God, shut up. Okay, so our guest this week is one of my favorite TikTokers around because he’s helpful, he’s handsome, and most importantly, he has a filthy mouth. His social media channel and book sales have skyrocketed him directly into my FYP. And now to my following list. Which, let’s be honest, is really the true honor here. Come fix you a plate with our guest this week, Mississippi’s own Matthew Bounds.
SPEAKER_01:
Welcome. Thanks for having me.
David:
Hi. Um, you really are one of my like I we we have I’ve been going through all my favorite TikTokers, and I don’t I didn’t know anything about you other than what I saw from your FY or from your videos. And I was like, fuck it, I’m gonna reach out to this motherfucker, and you can’t, you reached back out, which is amazing.
Gavin:
Reached back out. It was a good reach around. Thank you for doing so. You really are. I mean, but you do have a really uh riveting uh feed, especially for those of us who are, those of us meaning all of America, which is obsessed with food. So um you’re you’re doing us a service.
David:
Tell us a little bit about like for for the crazy people who don’t follow you. And if you don’t follow him, fix that. Delete this episode, walk into the river. You should not be but if you don’t follow him, he’s your barefoot neighbor. But tell us, like, what what do you do on uh on the Instagrams and the TikToks?
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, so uh we just cook. Um I that’s it. This is a great energy. Thank you for coming back for your time. This is lovely. And I could uh no, so uh I try to make cooking very accessible and really easy uh for people who may not really know how to cook, or people like myself who can but really hate to do it, but we gotta feed these assholes that live in our house. Um yeah, I we just try to make everything as easy as possible. We’re not above using shortcuts.
Gavin:
So you are not like a Paula Deen disciple from your childhood who wants to pass cooking to everybody. You’re like, I hate this, therefore I will teach everybody else how to do it better than I should.
David:
Or and he says the N-word far less often, which is really lovely. Much less often. Much less often than Pauline. But you know what? I will say about listen, you are not the only person online who was doing cooking content, obviously. You’re not the only one who does crockpot adjacent and simple things. But what I love about your feed specifically is a couple of things. So I’m gonna fangirl, so just step back, I’m gonna fangirl a little bit. One is, like you said, it is super accessible. And you often, you you take the shame out of it. If you’re like, hey, if you don’t know what it means to dice something, who fucking cares? Here’s how we do it. And if you don’t want to dice it, fuck it, who cares? And there’s just like you wrap it in obviously humor and cursing and stuff like that. But it is, it is very nice because I know a lot of people who just they’re like they get nervous because they don’t even know what dicing means. So they’re like, fuck it, I can’t do this. And that is one thing I love about it. And then the other thing I want to fangirl about is you don’t shy away from coming for people for things you believe in. And and normally I feel like people like you would just be like, no, I’m staying in my cooking lane, but you’ve spent so much time raising money for an incredible some incredible charities, and that has nothing to do with your cooking content, or just coming for assholes, which I that’s honestly my favorite. This is it’s David’s love language, actually. So he’s literally Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
Uh I well, I want to address the first part, uh uh, you know, making it accessible and taking the shame out of it. Because, you know, uh I did not learn how to cook growing up. And uh so I was almost 40 when COVID hit and I was working from home and I had all this extra time on my hands, and I said, you know what? I’m this is the year I learned to cook. I’m gonna learn how to actually walk in the kitchen and make dinner. Because before that, I I knew how to do like five things. Like I had five go-tos that I knew I wouldn’t fuck it up, we could actually eat it. Um, so uh yeah, I started getting online and I was watching all these YouTube videos, and that was the thing. They would just breeze right past, they would just assume I knew how to do these things, and I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah, go back to like I I can’t brown ground beef. I learned that. Like I had to do it a couple times before I didn’t screw it up.
David:
Just fold it in, David. Just fold it.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, just fold it in. Yeah, and and I would get in the uh comment sections, uh, because that’s the first place you go when you don’t understand something. Surely someone in the comment section is gonna have you know some little bit of knowledge. And yeah, no, they were just complete assholes in the comment section. It made me feel worse. And they were like uh just dogging this person who just cooked this stuff. And uh it’s it’s intimidating. And so that’s why when I first started out, um, I was like, yeah, I’m I’m not gonna let people act any kind of way in my comment section because if you watch my video and you have a question, I want you to feel comfortable asking it in the comments, or I want you to feel comfortable in the comments. Now I I just it’s not I’m not trying to be conceited. I just I get thousands of comments a day on all the platforms. I can’t read everything, I can’t keep up with everything. But when I do catch them, I get rid of them quick, fast, and in a hurry. Because I don’t want people to see that and feel intimidated by it like I was. Uh and then to your other point, yeah, I don’t have a problem telling anybody to get fucked. So like I I that is my uh that is my biggest pet peeve. I it it it makes me see red when someone says just stick to cooking. You know, if I have something to say about something else, or we are raising money for something, or I make a video addressing something else, and somebody’s like, you should really just stick to cooking. Oh, well, guess what? You should figure out you don’t get to go right off. You don’t get to play with us anymore.
Gavin:
Yeah, you’ve come to my digital living room and I am the host, and this is what I’m gonna say. And if you don’t like it, just leave.
David:
But you know, and honestly, and that is that is like my hope for you in the future. Because like you, what was it, two, three years ago, we’re nowhere near where you’re at now. And now suddenly you’re this is your full-time job. And I think you will only continue to grow here. And my hope is that you maintain that because to me, that is your special sauce that that you are unafraid to stand up for those things because it’s very easy once those commas start doubling and tripling in your paychecks to go, well, maybe I’ll be a little more careful. But then you start diluting your brand and I and it’s like a whole bouncing act. But that that’s a fine, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
It’s a fine line. Yeah. You know, uh, if anyone’s followed me from the beginning, you know I used to be very unedited. Uh and you know, back in the beginning, I just put everything online. If it failed or I fucked up or I, you know, I said fuck 18 times in 90 seconds, it all went in. Like I didn’t, you know. But uh yeah, when I started noticing that people were really paying attention to me and they were actually trying to learn something from me, then I got a little more careful. Uh, if a recipe didn’t work out, maybe I don’t post that one. You know, let’s let’s make sure it works really well first before we uh let people see it.
Gavin:
Um also never forget to give the disclaimer that you did screw it up four times. Oh wow. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, science. Or it isn’t an well, I mean, baking. I always say to my kids, baking is an exact science, and I want you to really think about the math and be careful in your measuring. But in the cooking uh realm, which I try to have them in the um kitchen as often as they will, but I I have older children, I have an 11 and 13-year-old, and they basically want to spend no time with me whatsoever. But nevertheless, I always want them to think that cooking is um it’s like just follow your gut. And and it’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s okay to mess up, and it’s okay to fix it, because you can fix it.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Uh, and it’s a uh subjective. Like sometimes things that I think are great uh don’t get good feedback because uh my I I’m writing another book right now. Uh and so my I hired a a third party to test my recipes, and uh she just emailed me before I got on this call and uh gave me feedback on the one I sent her the other day, and she’s like, didn’t love this. Actually, I didn’t even like it. It was too thick, it was too cheesy, it didn’t have enough rice. And I was like, that’s so funny because I thought I nailed that one. I thought that one was like out of the park, it was gonna get rave reviews. I stood over the stove and ate it out of the pan. It was so good. Yeah, and she’s like, Yeah, no, that that’s not going in the book.
David:
Maybe maybe it has to go in the book when it says must be eaten over the sink quickly while your kids are screaming at you. That’s the only way that taste really hits. For sure.
Gavin:
What is your along those lines, what is your favorite recipe? Oh, my favorite recipe. Your favorite one to eat?
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, yes. Oh, it I’m meat and potatoes. So if you can make some sort of uh pot roast situation with some gravy and a starch, um I’m in all day.
Gavin:
Well, it so then does that translate to what is your most popular recipe?
SPEAKER_01:
Uh yeah, you know, um I did a pot roast I think last month, and it it got a pretty good number of views. I I’ve been tagged an unusual number of times follow-up on that recipe, uh, with people making it and saying that it worked out really well and they enjoyed it. Uh, every time I post a recipe, I always get subsequent tags and other videos of people making it. Uh, but that one got a higher number. So I think, yeah, people people enjoyed that one.
David:
Do you have one that like epically failed when it comes to other people making it? Where like all the tags were like, I made this piece of shit recipe. Please don’t.
SPEAKER_01:
No, I don’t think so. Um I mean, there’s all I mean, everything you do is gonna be critiqued. Uh, I did get tagged in uh a video a while back. Uh this black guy did a compilation video of Caucasian people cooking, and he was like, basically, what the fuck is this? And uh I had the honor of being in there with my big face and one of my recipes that we were just dumping shit in a pan, and he was just like, white people. I was like, just salt and pepper. Yeah, all these uh all these people were tagging me and they were like, you know, trying to defend me. And I was like, y’all, don’t. This is this is fucking hilarious. And yeah, just like you start taking away. We really did just dump some crazy shit in a pan. Like he’s not wrong.
David:
This started with a can of cream of chicken soup. He can’t, I can’t find fault with this. Um, so you uh the you know, I why I think you’re valuable to our audience is that we as parents, I know you’re not a parent, you don’t want kids, you’ve you’ve probably murdered some in your past, who knows? But um that that we as parents are cooking, we we’re constantly cooking for our kids, and we’re constantly cooking shit that they refuse to eat. So there’s like two sides to I think while you’ll be helpful is one is like, how do we cook easily, you know, quickly, whatever. And then how do we cook stuff that kids will like? So let me go to my first question. What is do you have like some general advice for like how to get dinner done quickly?
SPEAKER_01:
Oh, uh yeah. Um follow my page, find my cookbooks.
David:
Which is which is wait, wait, well let’s let’s plug it. It’s it’s yet your barefoot neighbor. Which why why are you barefoot neighbor or do you are you a barefoot person?
SPEAKER_01:
I was gonna be a DIY channel when I started all this. I was not gonna be cooking it, you know, and it was supposed to be this casual like we’re in the yard, we’re doing stuff outside, and I cook now, so people think it’s a rip-off of the barefoot contessa.
Gavin:
It doesn’t flatter yourself, Ina.
David:
Yeah, you’re like, no, this is actually my only fan’s name that I just dragged over. Right. It’s my foot fan page. Yeah, yeah, totally.
SPEAKER_01:
So follow, so follow Matthew, and then yes, yeah, and then uh yeah, uh a can of cream of something in uh protein in the crock pot and just put it over some noodles. And when in doubt, add cheese. And you’re good. Yeah, like I mean, luckily luckily for everyone, uh I don’t have kids, but I do have a palate of like a five-year-old. So um if I like it, your kid’s probably gonna be I would agree.
David:
I feel like what I learned from your page, I I feel like I’m a pretty good cook, but one of the things I learned from your your page was just the general like liquid plus rice, this amount of liquid plus rice in some sort of covered thing creates a dish, right? Like you, you know, brown some chicken or whatever, or some vegetables, you take it out, you put, you know what you mean? Like that kind of system of like, here’s how to just make it with rice in the dish. I learned from you. And I use that all the time now.
Gavin:
Which is which is as easy as just making pasta and dumping tomato sauce on top of it, but with a variation. And so at least in that regard, when you change up the elements, a la chipotle style, just like grab a grab grab a starch, grab a protein, and grab a sauce or something, um, you can have an infinite variety there of expanding a palette, right?
SPEAKER_01:
Yep. Yeah. There’s almost like a formula to it. Uh, and I wish I knew it right off the top of my head, but I’d have to look at my cookbook. But yeah, if you look at my one pot chapter in my last cookbook, you’ll notice it’s almost all the same measurements. It’s like two cups of stock, one cup of cream, one cup of rice or pasta. Like it’s all the same. But that’s good.
David:
It’s you’re you’re helping to teach these people because you don’t want people just to make your recipes in your book and then just constantly read, like, like you’re you’re kind of teaching these processes to them so they can make their own variations. Also, the one pot situation for parents is it. That’s it. Because I don’t want to fucking do dishes. Yeah, it’s don’t want to do dishes. So badly don’t want to do dishes.
Gavin:
And all you need is four spoons and or four sporks. Or four sporks would be great, but to be able to just stand around and eat it together over the stove if you want. I mean, make it an adventure.
David:
Wait, maybe that’s book three for you, or book four is like over the stove, like over the stick eaten. You know what I mean? Just like sad, sad recipes for sad single people, or you know, something really mean.
Gavin:
I have to just I have to destroy our um rhythm here because I have to take a call from a doctor. I am super sorry about this. Hold on two seconds. No, go for it.
David:
This is episode 93, Matthew, of this show, and he still sucks. Oh, he’s not listening. Now, now it just sound mean. Now it’s yeah, he didn’t even think.
SPEAKER_01:
Look, I was rushing in here into this office, like setting up the laptop. And uh uh I was like, damn, like I’m one of those people that if you invite me to an event or a party or I’m gonna be half an hour early, it stresses me out to be late. But every time I have a Zoom call, a podcast, a phone call, like I am always the I sat down, turned the camera on, realized I didn’t have a shirt on, and to run back up the shirt. I’m like, listen, this made this is probably the podcast to be shirtless, honestly.
David:
This is the podcast. Um uh I it was funny. I watched your um right before this call, I was like, what don’t I know about him? So it’s just like finding your Facebook page or whatever. And I watched your your speech that you did. You posted on Facebook uh from 2023 at was it like uh the Gulf Port Pride or something? Yeah, so probably something like that. Something like that. And you were talking about like you hate speaking in public. Do you get nervous on platforms like this or just like in like arenas where it’s live?
SPEAKER_01:
I don’t really get nervous anymore at all, actually. Uh so 2023, uh, a quick little backstory was my year of yes. Uh that’s when I first started getting attention on social media, and I really started to think maybe I could turn this into a career. So I said, you know what, I’m gonna say yes to every every podcast, every interview, everything that anyone asks me to do, I’m doing it. And so uh I did. And that year is when I got the email asking me if I wanted to do a TED talk. And I was like, Yeah, immediately yes. And uh CJ was like, Are you crazy? Because you’re gonna pass out on stage because you cannot speak in front of people. I could not even speak on a Zoom call in my office job. Like, I would start getting the sweats and my heart would race. And um I was like, you know what? I’m gonna figure it out. I’m just gonna figure it out. And uh it was the best thing I ever did because after you do a TED talk with cameras in every angle and lights and you know, 200 and something people watching you, it you can do anything. It just it really does not bother me at all anymore. Uh in fact, I’ve turned into a bit of a ham. Um I’m like, yes, please give me, please give me the microphone at a fundraiser. I’ve been at a fundraiser where they’re like, Oh, you your barefoot neighbor’s here, would you like to say a few words? I’m like, as a matter of fact, yes.
David:
And they’re like, bitch, get off stage. You’ve been talking for an hour and 45 minutes. Um, no, that’s that I I like that. I I I similarly uh have that is kind of just like my life point of view, is like say yes to everything. And the the fear of like, oh, I won’t have time, or I’m gonna overextend myself, or I’m gonna do things that I don’t like or whatever. When you actually say yes to everything, that that is such a tiny percentage of things. What usually it just only leads to good things. Uh Gavin, you’re back. Welcome. And you’re muted, uh, so it’s going great. You got to push the for the the phantom power button.
Gavin:
I already hit that button.
David:
Um I had actually muted myself.
Gavin:
I am very, very, very sorry about that. That was my kid has a doctor thing that we have to deal with before um uh Christmas. And it the it is impossible to get the doctors to call us back or answer a phone. And so anyway, thank you uh for your patience. I don’t have kids, but I’m 42.
SPEAKER_01:
So I I’m at that age in life where You’re soon, things are breaking. Things are breaking. We had all my uh cousins over for Christmas last weekend, and we’re all in our like late 30s and 40s. And at some point the conversation, we all were like, Are we really sitting here comparing like our doctors and our prescriptions?
Gavin:
Yes, we are. Wait, what did I how how did you get to do a TED talk? Um were you nominated for it? Did you nominate yourself for it?
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, they uh they reached out to me um uh August of 2023 and asked me if I wanted to do it, and then uh we did it February of this year, and um I had six months to prepare for it, and I did not get my speech written until like a month before, and then I just crammed it because you can’t take notes up there with you have to just know it. Uh-huh. And uh so yeah, it was like on the plane down there. I was j just trying to memorize it really quick.
Gavin:
You you really do have to stand there and uh uh do a speech by from memory.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, they’ll uh you have a coach and the coach sits in the front row, and if you do get hung up, they’ll they’ll like prompt you with your next sentence because they’re gonna edit it all, you know, they’re gonna edit it together, but they do want you to have it all prepared by memory. Um in mine, I had rehearsed it and written it to be this like really energetic, like I was gonna be like kind of loud and like you know, boisterous, and it was gonna be this really fun speech. And uh like the weekend before I got like really, really, really sick. And I lost my voice, and I had this horrible cough. Like I was just hacking and could not stop coughing. And uh, so we did rehearsal the night before, and I could not make it through rehearsal. Uh, every time I started to speak, I would just start like hacking into this microphone and like losing my voice. So the next morning, uh, I was the last one. So I had to sit through 13 other speakers backstage, and then they they mic’d me up, and uh my coach came over and he was like, Are you are you good? Are you gonna be able to give the speech? And I started talking and I immediately started losing my voice. And he was like, Shit. He’s like, Okay, you know what? Give a serious, give like a kind of a low, like just turn it into like a serious. And I had not rehearsed it at all like that. So I was like, okay, this is what we’re doing. So improved. My TED talk is yeah, my intal, my TED talk is like this kind of like low, kind of serious talk. And I made it right to the very end, and immediately when people started clapping, they had to cut it because I was just hacking into the microphone, and then um I had a cough drop in the whole time. Uh so after they edited it, he was like, Hey, uh, your tongue is like cherry red, and we cannot Photoshop that out. I was like, just let it ride. It is what it rides.
David:
That’s so I love that you’re using your like, I’m not gay voice. You’re like, so um, I really women are beautiful and sports is great. Um, so wait, I want to go back to your charity work because um, while you aren’t a parent, you do a lot of charity work that benefits kids. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, I uh I’m not a parent, don’t really have much desire to be, but I do have a big soft spot for kids. So um I just kind of when I started doing fundraisers and stuff, that’s where I gravitated to, and I really, really love it. So just kind of stuck.
David:
But tell us what they what are they? Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
David:
So uh not everybody uh that’s listening right now is obsessed with you like I am. So please tell us. Like, like, like they don’t know what what we’re talking about, which they probably don’t.
Gavin:
And I’m jumping at the bit to tell you what my favorite of yours is, but please use it.
David:
Gabin’s trying to make it about him.
Gavin:
He will I mean because that’s why I started a podcast. Correct. Then I can talk about myself. Please continue, Matthew.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, so uh the biggest one that I do uh is Elijah’s Closet. And they are an organization down here on the Mississippi Gulf Coast, and they work with um it in a nutshell, we say kids in foster care, but they do so, so, so much. They do a lot of prevention work. Um, you know, single parents who are you know in really bad situations and they’re trying just they’re just trying to keep their shit together and and hang on to their kids, but they’re somehow involved in the system, they’ll step in and help them, you know, get into a more stable environment where they can check off all the boxes and keep the family together. Uh, they just do so much with that, and uh I really love them for it. And uh another thing I love about Elijah’s closet is they are a lot like me. They are unapologetic in who they help, and um, they are going to put a little rainbow flag in their logo in June. And if you don’t like it, you can take it on down the fucking road. They don’t want your help anyway. Nice uh because they are very adamant, you know, that they have their statistics down. This percentage of kids we help are part of the LGBTQIA plus community, and um, they are affected too, and we want them to know that we’re here for them. And uh they’re just they’re at all the Pride events. Uh they’ve got a booth at every Pride event that I go to. Uh, they’re just really involved in that community. So I really love them for that. Uh they don’t let people push them around when it comes to to fundraising and stuff. Um so the biggest thing we did for them was uh this past September, uh, two years ago for my 40th birthday, I told my audience, I had a very tiny audience then, that I said, there’s this organization, there’s this organization, it’s Elijah’s closet. I told them what they did, and I said, I would love it if we could get them. Because I asked them what their most needed item was, and they said that it’s always beds, always, always beds. So I said, uh for my 40th birthday, I would love to provide them with 40 beds. And I mean the works, like the frame, the mattress, the pillows, blankets, everything. And uh they did, like literally within like uh a couple days, my audience had shipped 40 beds off an Amazon list to me, and we uh stocked them up. So this past year I was gonna be 42, and I’m much bigger now, so I said, you know what, let’s let’s stock them up for an entire year so they don’t have to look for a bed for a kid for an entire year. And uh we did not hit our goal um because it was a heavy lift. Yeah, what was the goal? Uh the goal was 2,000. Wow. Okay. And uh really and truly, I think it was a failing on my part. I did not plan my content very well, and a lot of it, the algorithm just didn’t algorithm, you know. And the algorithm hates it when you talk about a fundraiser anyway. If you say fundraiser wish list, link, it it algorithm is gonna kill you. They’re not gonna push you out. So um I really I kind of feel like that was a failure on my part. But we put together uh 659 complete beds uh for these kids. That’s amazing. And uh we filled up four 10 by 30 storage units to the rafters, and um, I did the math on it, and we saved Elijah’s closet damn near$200,000.
Gavin:
Oh my gosh, that’s awesome.
SPEAKER_01:
That that’s$200,000 worth of stuff they’re not gonna have to fundraise for or find uh for kids over the next six months to a year. So that’s incredible. Uh that was that was my favorite thing my audience has done so far.
Gavin:
When you talk about this unapologetic generosity, um, I think an undercurrent of inference that David and I, Yankees from the North, are making is that wow, it’s gotta be hard to be gay and in Mississippi and outspoken and whatnot. Do you feel that way?
SPEAKER_01:
Um, well, I I feel like it’s probably not fair to ask me that because I live on the coast and uh I think anybody on the coast will tell you that the three coastal counties are just I mean, we are still very much Mississippi, don’t get me wrong. Um but I feel like it’s it’s just a different vibe down here on the coast. Uh things are a lot more open and relaxed, and uh, you know, it’s it’s it’s very much uh the Jimmy Buffett vibes down here, you know. Like we’re by the water, we’re casual, like people don’t really care so much if you’re gay, like they don’t really pay that much attention to it. Um the rest of the state is what you think Mississippi is.
David:
So yeah, well, I I listen, I grew up in rural Florida, so like I I told I had the same experience where like, yeah, you’re like, oh, Orlando and Miami and the Keys and like these, like maybe maybe the panhandle sometimes, but then there’s the all the other stuff. So your life in one of those places looks very different than you know, maybe if you’re in the sticks. But you know, I think I think you it was a success. Just because you wrote up at number 2000, I I was thinking about like you have created a you have attracted an audience who wants to do that and who want to do that quickly and using their wallets. And that to me says everything about you, where you have created this audience who are gonna like, yeah, fuck, let’s support these kids. And so I think that’s that’s incredible. 2,000 beds is is listen, whatever, but like 600 whatever you did, that’s fucking insane. That’s$200,000.
Gavin:
I mean, let’s talk dollars and cents.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, that’s crazy. I love that about my audience, and yeah, I have I have built them, I have built that audience that way, uh, because we’re always doing something. And if we don’t, and I have to be careful, uh, you know, I get emails every day from somebody wanting me to share their GoFundMe. And I I just I had to make it a personal policy, just I do not share personal GoFundMe’s. The only the only things I raise money for are like 501c3s, and I go and I research them and I do all, you know, I make sure that they are legit before we do anything for them. Um uh I also ask every uh organization that I work with, every group, um, a few questions. And one of them is uh, I don’t care if you’re a religious organization, that’s fine, but is there any sort of like religious paywall for people to get your help? Because if it is, I’m not working with you. Like it do they have to pray with you? Do they have to go to your church? Do they have to attend some kind of religious class? Do you they have to take a pamphlet from you to get the help? If they do, no, I don’t want anything to do with it. Um, I want you to truly just help people that need it. That’s my requirement. So I feel like my audience, there’s a lot of trust that’s been built there. Yeah. So they know if I bring something to them, they know I’ve done the homework, I’ve looked into it. It’s legit. It’s the help is gonna go where we say it’s gonna go. I do a lot of follow-up on the back end. Um, if we’re doing an Amazon wish list, I always make sure I show all the boxes coming in and I show where we’re taking them to. And uh I just I feel like that accountability is really important. And that’s why it’s so successful.
David:
I mean, we’ve we’ve interviewed so many uh social media people. We Gavin and I are close friends with a lot of social media people who make their entire living from that. And some of them fall into the trap which you’re not in, luckily, which is like they feel slave to their following, which doesn’t necessarily represent who they are. But they’ve built these milli, you know, the seven-figure following lists, which they’re just like, I I if if I was truly who I was, that would number would be cut by 80%, and then I would no longer have a career. And that that’s that sounds terrifying because I I think it would be like I I maybe wouldn’t do the religious thing, but that but that maybe it just the there’s a certain amount of authenticity that you were required to maintain, but then you have to be you have to kind of decide where those edges are, and sometimes you know what I mean, you have to be flexible. It is no, it’s hard to I I I I I told you. It’s hard to walk that line. 100%.
SPEAKER_01:
And I’ve learned, I I’ve learned that there are plenty of people who follow me who I probably would not even like in real life, but they they followed me, they donate, they support everything. Um we probably could not be more different. Uh, but as long as they play nice and as long as they don’t say anything out of pocket in the comments, uh, then yeah, we’re cool. Hang out.
David:
Like yeah, and this is not Matthew Mound’s best friend race, right? This is Matthew Mound’s if you’re into cooking and these charities, then we can get along.
SPEAKER_01:
We’re cool, yeah. Absolutely. I uh yeah, it is I love that you brought up the cussing at the beginning of the show because um, yeah, I used to have quite a mouth on me, and I still do, but as I’ve gotten bigger, and you know, I I’m not self-published anymore. I I am with Penguin Random House, Clarkson Potter. Uh you know, I kind of feel this obligation to represent them well and to I’m in the business of selling cookbooks, right? So I’m like, okay, maybe I don’t have to say fuck every other sentence in all my videos, you know. Maybe I can try to be a little more conscious um and dial it back a little bit and make I don’t ever want to be just completely sanitized and and whitewashed for the masses. But I do feel find myself as I grow um kind of you know trying to stay in the in the middle lane.
David:
Round off those crispy edges sometimes.
Gavin:
Yeah, just a little bit of class. Sometimes I tend to define for my kids just a little bit of class sometimes. You can be authentic, obviously, but sometimes, you know, the the shock value uh anyway. But not here, not at YouTube. Sorry. But fuck that.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, but look, let me tell you, we were in uh real quick, we went to uh the meta headquarters a couple weeks ago. Uh me and 10 other creators got invited. And um, so we went up there, we spent the whole day, and then the culmination of the day was we were gonna have dinner at this really nice restaurant. It’s beautiful. Uh, and we were eating with the president of Facebook, the head of product development, and uh their marketing director, uh, and someone else can’t remember. Anyway, so we’re sitting there and I’m sitting across from the head of product development, and then the C the president’s like right here, and we’re talking, and I’ve had a few drinks, and you know, I’ve I’ve tried to be profession professional the whole day. And then uh I had a few drinks, and me and the other creators were kind of just talking about you know what creators talk about when they get together, and that’s you know how how awful people are in the comment section sometimes. And uh, you know, and I’m joking and I’m like, oh, I’m quick to tell them to fuck off, you know. I’m like, and I start being my true self, and I’m like, you know, really just going in on it. And then I look up, and both these people from Facebook are like just staring at me, and I was like, oh my God.
David:
Well, you are, I mean, you are you are professionalism has gone out the window. I know you have a couple apples.
SPEAKER_01:
I don’t think I’m gonna be invited back.
David:
But but I I I I just I know how hard it is, and I I know how hard it is to to do find that exact line, but I my my unsolicited advice, which is criticism, is always lean to the authenticity because it is truly the the core of what makes you magnetic and what is bringing people to you. As soon as you start polading it, people are gonna be like, ah, well, I know 10 other balladines. I like what what what what do I need that for? Um, let’s let’s tomorrow two days from now is Valentine’s Day. So the last question I’m gonna ask you, because normally ask like what you know, what’s some crazy kid shit, is do you have any recommendations on what to cook for Valentine’s Day? Either maybe for your kids or maybe for your partner, you have a husband of what, 17 years, CJ. Like what what do you think is like a great thing to cook for Valentine’s Day?
SPEAKER_01:
I would say uh other than them cakes and meat and potatoes. Yeah, and meat and potatoes. Yeah, yeah. Uh I would say uh make make a pan or risotto. Um, I don’t know why. That was one of the things at the top of my list when I started learning how to cook. And the day I mastered that, you could not tell me shit. I thought I was Gordon Ramsay. Um, it just it it’s one of those things that’s so simple, but it intimidates everyone, and it seems really fancy, and it’s not, it’s just rice and stock. Yeah. Um, but you know, you could throw a little wine in it, you can roast up some mushrooms and put in it. It’s uh, you know, and you just look like you’re really doing something when you’re over there stirring that pot. And uh yeah, I mean, yeah, there’s something sexy to it. It’s a very sexy kind of you know, like you’re busting out the skills for the right.
David:
And you’re like, it’s just yeah, like you said, it’s just rice. But like for something about it, just it’s like, oh yeah, making worse.
Gavin:
But you can just stand there with one spoon in a hand, a spoon in your hand and a glass of wine in the other, and you get to put a little music, yeah.
SPEAKER_01:
And absolutely. Every time I post a recipe for risotto, I have the number one comment is always like, this is all risotto is. So true. Like, yeah, that’s literally all it is. Yeah, so yeah, I I would say do that.
David:
Yeah, and they’re like, wait, a roo is butter? You’re what? Yeah, we’re just we’re going out to eat for Valentine’s Day.
SPEAKER_01:
Just a full disclaimer, I’m not cooking.
Gavin:
No, no, yeah, no, absolutely. Because let’s be honest, the best kind of cooking is somebody else cooking for you.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, oh yeah, for sure. 100%. I’m uh I’m 100% trying to talk everyone out of uh cooking Christmas dinner this Christmas. I’m like, I’ve been in the kitchen working on this cookbook. Uh I don’t want to be doing this, yeah.
Gavin:
But buy your cookbook, nevertheless.
David:
Buy his cookbook. Everyone buys cookbook. Matthew, thank you so much for demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast. If you’re not following him, like I said, walk into traffic. But before you do, at your barefoot neighbor. We love you. Thank you so much for coming by.
SPEAKER_01:
Thanks, Pam. Hey, thanks for having me. That was so much fun.
David:
All right. So my something great this week is Pam Anderson. Now we have has she graduated from being Pamela? Is this her mature? Oh, sorry. Is it Pamela? I don’t remember. I feel like sometimes they change. Anyway, Pamela Pam Anderson. I feel like remember we had Brian Spatolnik on a couple weeks ago, and he was talking about how she was one of his favorite actresses to come into the musical Chicago on Broadway. I just love that she’s having a moment now. She’s she started this thing with like this, I’m not gonna wear makeup anymore. And she’s like, look at me. And she shows up on these red carpets and she is sons ethni makeup. And really, she looks she looks totally different, right? She was full beat all the time and now she’s not, and she looks so different. And I love when people have a renewal of relevance when they come from a place of she’s this young, hot, slutty girl running down the beach, and nobody expects much more from her. And then they’re like, well, you can just wither and die now because you’re not valuable to us anymore. She’s like, well, maybe I’m gonna come back and maybe I’m gonna come back as an actress, actress, and maybe I’m gonna come back and not wear any fucking makeup for you assholes. And then the whole world is like, yes, girl, yes, queen, we love you. And I don’t know, I just love the embrace of her, her new movie, The Last Show Girl. She’s like, no, I’m gonna, I’m not going away. I’m coming back and I’m gonna be anyway.
Gavin:
I just love authenticity.
David:
I just I love a comeback story. I also love girl on my back.
Gavin:
I was not um I was not expecting you to talk about the uh the authenticity of Pamela Anderson, but I think that um she’s definitely had a renaissance on that movie. Run, don’t walk. Run, do not walk. It is so good. Everybody should go see it. Um, my something great this week is that uh my kid is home from school today, and he which is of course completely drives me crazy. But this morning he said, Dad, I don’t want to disappoint you, so I’ll go to school. And I’m like, okay, now I feel like an asshole that you’re just doing this to please me. And he said, No, no, I know it’s important.
David:
Oh, this is Oscar worthy.
Gavin:
And his Oscar-worthy performance made me think it is something great that he he is doing everything he can to undermine his sister, who drives me wonderfully batty at every turn, and he is absolutely in, you know, um undermining her ability to just be herself at every turn. But he is um a really sweet one. And if he’s gonna be sick, I’m like, okay, you gotta stay home. That’s perfectly fine because you’re wonderful. Anyway, um, my something great is just uh my kid and his Oscar worthy performance. Anyway, and that’s our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at patriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
David:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast on the internet. David is at David FMEverywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge on micculture.com.
Gavin:
Please leave us a glowing five-star review wherever you get your podcast.
David:
Thanks, and we’ll stroll around a university campus with you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.
Gavin:
No, no, hold on. I’m leading you into something real quick, and we don’t have to do it. But um, I I’m curious, often we end our conversations with is there a time in your gunklehood that you will never forget the time when shit was all over your hands, or I mean, I don’t know that you’ve ever had shit on your hands, but like babysitting times where you thought this is why I’m not a parent.
SPEAKER_01:
Um yes, you know what? And CJ still tells people this story to this day. Uh, this was probably a God 12 years ago, 13 years ago. Um, we used to keep my uh two nieces, uh, and they were toddlers at the time. And uh we would get them, you know, a weekend here and there, and we would keep them for the weekend. And go do fun stuff. And uh they always like to go to the zoo in New Orleans. So we were headed to New Orleans, and uh yeah, we didn’t get a mile from the house, and uh it was a new car, and one of them dropped their goldfish crackers, and not long after that, the other one dropped her crayon, and I’m like pulling over on the side of the road, and I’m like, CJ, yeah, CJ’s like, What are you freaking out about? And I’m like, There’s there’s goldfish in the he’s like, It’s crackers, it’s it’s fine. I’m like every exit, I’m like, Do you do y do y’all need to stop? Do you gotta go? Do you need a bathroom? And then he’s like, they’re cool. They will let you know they’re cool, like they’re fine, they’re they’re having a good time. And he still tells that. He’s like, This is why see Matthew’s not a parent. He’s not built for like road trips with kids or so.
David:
For the next time that happens, you just turn the radio up as loud as it can go and ignore them. That’s really the only way to do it.
SPEAKER_01:
True. Oh, uh cute story. We were headed to New Orleans on that trip, and uh the night before we’d had a big sleepover in the living room. We made pallets and uh blankets and all that, and we watched All Dogs Go to Heaven, and um so I had not seen it since I was a kid. I forgot that All Dogs Go to Heaven takes place in New Orleans, so we tell the girls, oh, you know, this is where we’re going tomorrow. We’re gonna go to this city tomorrow. And so uh we get up the next morning and we’re we’re riding. Well, my childhood dog had just died the year before, and they loved Rosie. And so um we, you know, they had the conversation. Rosie went to heaven, all this. So we’re driving over the twin spans, and you can see New Orleans, and I’m like, oh look, girls, there’s New Orleans, there’s the skyline. And uh they’re so excited, they’re like, Oh my god, I can’t wait to see Rosie. Like, I cannot wait to see Rosie. And I’m like, what are y’all? I’m like looking at CG, I’m like, what are they talking about? And CG’s like, girls, we’re not gonna see Rosie. Rosie’s in heaven, and they’re like, Yeah, that’s y’all told us New Orleans is heaven.
David:
We thought that puke-stained, alcohol-filled, Sten City was heaven. And honestly, to some, it is.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah, you know, absolutely. So uh, yeah, that was that was probably the cutest thing that’s ever happened with my nieces. But um, yeah, I was I knew then I was I was not cut out for parenting. I’ve never changed a shitty diaper, I’ve never wanted to. Um, that’s another reason I haven’t adopted because why would I why would I willingly choose shitty diapers? I always told TJ if we if we adopt, like, let’s adopt like a 16 year old that we can just send to college. I mean, absolutely. I just want to go straight for the costs, the extreme costs.
Gavin:
No, yeah.