Full Transcript
Hannah can you say and this is Gatriarchs? Hannah say and this is Gatriarchs. Please? Please just say, and this is Gatrix. Why not?
SPEAKER_05:
And this is Gatriox.
David:
Gavin, what did you text me before we started recording? At this very second? No. Oh. Like when I was like, hey, you’re ready, uh, we’re gonna record. I went You said I I just went for a run. I just finished a run. I just finished a run. Can we do it like you’re almost 50? You’re running still? It hurt.
Gavin:
It all hurt. You’re still running. I will say it all hurt. I did it though. I mean, I ran for about 40 minutes. I can’t.
David:
I’m proud of you. This is a wide room. You don’t run at all? No. I I it is one of those things, and I guess maybe everyone feels this, but like, yeah, the second my body starts to gallop, every part, every every cell in my body says, stop, stop, stop it, stop it.
Gavin:
It all feels plodding and awful, I will say. It really does. But I I don’t know. I mean, I I it I’m able to do it. I don’t do it frequently. I mean, I ran marathons 10 years ago. 10 years ago. I can’t believe it.
David:
I just that’s why you’re fit and gorgeous, and I’m this.
Gavin:
I’m neither I’m neither of those things, but I will say I running is not fun to me. It is not at all a pleasure. But I will say, you know, it burns calories quickly, and all you do is throw on shoes and you go and you come back, right?
David:
Also that’s so I so badly want that body of like lean up top, but like thick legs because you run all the time and not ass. Like that’s that’s my dream body.
Gavin:
Well, those are uh that every single footstep feels plodding. I feel everything shaking. And I and I live in a hilly area, and so it’s it’s not an easy place to run. And it’s not a pleasure, but I love that you um started out today’s episode by mocking me for trying to not have a heart attack.
David:
I wasn’t mocking you, I was just merely shocked. When you said that I was like waiting for the joke, was like run to Duncan, like what, like run to Taco Bell? Like, what was it? Um, it was a shock. Um another shock, another shock we got was a listener, uh, my sorry, my future ex-husband Liam from we have talked about him many times. He’s one of our favorite listeners, and he messaged, he messaged us and said, Um, hello, assholes, for your top three Olympic sports. What about diving? And I was like, Obviously, how did we forget like it’s kind of beautiful in teeny tiny little swimsuits?
Gavin:
And how do they never come off? Um, I mean, obvious, but also Liam, love ya. But also, we were kind of trying not to be completely cliche. A little bit. That’s true. A little bit. I mean, diving’s obvious.
David:
It is obvious, but we should have given it a honorable mention.
Gavin:
An honorable mention, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Liam’s.
David:
Sorry, future assembly, Liam. I apologize. That was a terrible, terrible mistake.
Gavin:
Terrible oversight. Yeah. Yeah, but definitely. I mean, Tom Daly is in our feed on the reg. And uh, I mean, I say no more. Yeah, say no more. He leaves us all speechless. By if if it’s not knitting, it’s those teeny tiny speedos that he is not knitting either. Um, so it is um, you are staring down the barrel of summertime, right? Are you officially summer? You are officially summer now?
David:
I I think I mean it’s 90 degrees today. Yeah, that’s it’s 90 degrees today. I know it’s like, I think officially summer is like the 21st or something, so we’re like a week or two away.
Gavin:
But I mean, your kids are out of school yet or not?
David:
Yes, as of the airing of this episode, we are out of school and we are right into a fucking camp because I’m gonna take care of those children. I’m paying people to do it.
Gavin:
Well, then I would imagine this preempts my question, which is have you thought at all about like the micromanaging of boredom?
David:
I haven’t because Gavin, this is my first summer as a parent in the way you’re setting this up, right? Because I’ve pre previously all of my kids have been in life was just summer, so it’s just it’s just one kind of like continuous loop. But this is the first time, like, oh, he’s out of school for a couple of months. What the fuck are you gonna do about it? I have never so this is my first summer, so I don’t know.
Gavin:
Yeah. Well, so is he in camp almost every single day? Or what’s your camp schedule?
David:
Yeah, I mean, look, God, it’s it’s a nightmare. This is this is a nightmare because we both, my husband and I both work, so it’s not like he can just be at home all the time, but like we could adjust if we needed to. But they have camps everywhere and they’re all expensive and they’re all impossible to get into. So we basically chose a camp that is at his old school. Um and a couple of the weeks we’ve just not done because we’re going on a trip or he’s gonna go to a gymnastics camp. But like we’re doing camps basically, we’re going right into camps. Yeah. And there’s no downtime. There’s a week of downtime, one week. Where you’re traveling, or just like no, I’m here and we’re just gonna no. My husband is gonna be working. I’m just gonna be home. I can’t wait to record that week.
Gavin:
Can we have him come on with us? He can co-host the show.
David:
Sure. Yeah, we could do, we could, we could have him co-host. He’d be really, really interesting. He’s gonna tell you about all the various differences between all the ponies and my little pony and where they come from in Equestria or Manhattan and all the weird fucking places. It is deep.
Gavin:
We have definitely just scheduled two, maybe three of our guests for this summer, because my kids, if I can pay them enough and sedate them, you might be able to interview them, and that would be pretty hilarious. And if I be hilarious. If I could um interview him. Well, okay, so I mean, uh, as we know, I have conflicted feelings about summer, and in fact, that’s even related later to our top three list. But of course, I’m always preoccupied about my kids getting bored and the importance of being bored and just be bored and sit around and just be bored, et cetera, et cetera. But then that reminds me of I was just having one of those moments of sip, sipping coffee and staring out the window, I don’t know, yesterday, um, thinking about like when was it that my kids stopped pretending and stopped uh going into make-believe land and have just like completely relied on outside stimulation to keep them from being bored. And I I remember so vividly that my daughter was having a you know a playdate with a friend of hers who was a Harry Potter super freak back about four years ago. It was when we were living in Connecticut, and I remember watching them walk around the yard, just like rehash Harry Potter, but they weren’t playing Harry Potter. And I gotta say, when my daughter was your kid’s age, I was already watching her, she wasn’t exactly in make-believe land, she was setting the scene all the time and deciding what the scenario was and what her character’s name was and what her backstory was, and this, that, and the other. But she didn’t exactly like do the playing. And I wonder, was that a loss of pretending or loss of make-believe? Does your kid go into complete fantasy land?
David:
Yeah, but because they’re five and three, they’re still so young. We’re like, they’re they have no, they have none of the like external, like the world hasn’t poisoned them yet, which I’m by the way, dreading every day. Because I know because my son is so free, he’ll just start dancing in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store because he just hears a cool song. And I know that freedom is gonna start to be just he’s just gonna start getting suffocated by the the social pressures of being normal, and that’s gonna break my heart. But no, right now they’re still they love playing, they love like making up characters, they love playing store or whatever. So when that goes away, it’s gonna be sad.
Gavin:
They have a yes and relationship when they play, like, here’s a tomato that I’m buying from you, clerk, as we play grocery store. No, they have a no but relationship.
David:
They’ll be like, I’m gonna serve you French fries, and he’ll go, no, but you can make me a milkshake, and then she’ll go, no, I’m the server, and he’ll go, no. And then they scream at each other, and then I have to intervene.
Gavin:
Yeah. I mean, this makes me wonder if we even romanticize what um what make-believe has been. I mean, I don’t even remember necessarily diving into like G.I. Joe land and really having lavish fantasies that I was acting out out in the backyard or in my room or anything. And by lavish fantasies, I don’t mean G.I. Joe action guy on guy.
David:
But rather when you were telling stories in your yoga at the Parthenon. That’s what that’s the childhood you remember, right? You know? There was that. There was that. There was some of that. You know, it’s the the loss of play and everything kind of ties into this other thing I was thinking about, which is like this is my first year with a kid in like the regular school system. Um, he’s in kindergarten. And previously we’ve been in daycare, and daycare, I don’t know if you’re taking care of this, but like we had an app where we had really good communication. Every day there’s like photos, and there’s like, this is when they ate, and this is when we went outside and played, and here’s what’s going on next week. And so I didn’t have to rely on my children telling me what happened during the day. This year, there is no app, there’s no information. I am strictly relying on my son to tell when I say, Hey, how was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Nothing. Like that, that is the day. And what I’ve noticed is that this year has flown by in the way that previous years haven’t, because I don’t, there’s no, I don’t know what’s going on. So it’s just been kind of one day year. Yep, do you know what I mean? Uh-huh. Versus like at his daycare, it was like, oh, this is, you know, uh water slide week. We rented a water slide. Oh, this is this week, and we’re doing this, and the animal trainer’s coming. He may be doing all of that at kindergarten. I have no fucking clue. So it is wild that like this, the kindergarten experience has been like a blip because it just like I don’t know really what’s going on. Yeah.
Gavin:
You know, I mean, that whole sense of having the constant reports from your teachers that’s almost justifying their existence and the expense of what you’ve just been paying. And it’s so exciting. And then you’re exactly right. Then suddenly one day just bleds into another, and suddenly your kid is graduating from eighth grade, and you’re like, what have you done for the last six years? I have absolutely no idea. Except for the fact that you’re traumatized by the grades apps that you can see on your phone called Power School, at least in our area, where you’re able to monitor um assignment by assignment your kids’ grades, which turns us all into complete freaks. Because I mean, you want to talk about helicoptering. Suddenly, when you see every single grade your kid ever gets instead of just a report card in the It is too much. I completely agree.
David:
It’s way too much information because I can’t be trusted with that information. You for sure can’t be trusted with that information. I mean, I remember when I would get the report card and you’d have to have your parents sign it. It was paper. And me and my friend Jamie would go and we would go to the the um, there was a copy machine at the grocery store by our high school, and we would copy it. We would cut out letters like fucking serial killers, we’d paste it, we’d make another thing, and then we would get the new version, and then we’d have to fold it up in our pocket to you know really give it a little bit of texture. So yeah, yeah. And then my parents would know, we would never change the GPA. So I would have I would have straight A’s and then a GP of 2.7. And a 2.7. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And my parents would never even knew. So um, I feel sad that the kids can’t do that, but it’s too much information. Too much information.
Gavin:
If mom out there listening, listening. Shit. Sorry, listen, man. We we do need to hear the report from your side of this. Were you totally? I mean, parents always say I wasn’t born yesterday and I did all these things when I was a kid. Did you do that when you were growing up, mom?
David:
Yeah, maybe on the chalk drawings on the cave wall.
Gavin:
I don’t know how she changed those, but um speaking of cave walls, yeah, right? So we are so excited that it is Pride Month and that we are going to have our very first gay dads meetup. By the way, ladies, you are welcome too. Straight dads who want to be a gay triarch, you are welcome too. And the reason that was a segue from the cave walls is because you don’t actually understand this yet, do you, David? Because you are not a devotee of Hecksher Playground. No. But the Hector Playground is designed like a castle with big old stone walls. And so there’s lots of opportunities for chalking stone walls, although these are more like medieval walls than Neanderthal cave walls that I grew up in. So um, tell us more about the Hecksher Playground and meetup, David.
David:
Well, well, we are gonna just bombard you with this information until uh the gen June 28th, because we want everyone to, we want all of our listeners to be there. And thank you, by the way, for listener Daniel, who reached out to us and said, Hey, like I’m not a dad yet, but I want to be, am I allowed to come? And I was like, oh shit, we totally forgot. This is open to all, by the way. Absolutely. We are a gay dads podcast, we we are partnering with men having babies, which is a gay dad’s thing. But like, if you’re a a lesbian family, if you were if you are a straight ally family, if you are the homeless guy but has the hot body who has a shirt off, all are welcome at this.
Gavin:
Also, you don’t even need to have kids. If you listen to our podcast and you would like would just come up and give us a hug, we would love.
David:
If you want to hug Gavin’s runner’s body, you’re allowed to. He’s giving you consent right now. You are allowed to just walk up to him. He’ll be the tall drink of water wearing a yellow shirt. But yes, please, everyone, please join us. If you’re in the New York City area, um we are it is gonna be Saturday, June 28th from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. at the Hecksher Playground in Central Park. It’s the kind of south centrally part of um Central Park. Super easy to get to. Um, everyone is invited. If if you’re hearing the sound of my voice, you’re invited. Um we will be there and I we’re I’m ordering balloons today. I don’t know what kind of balloons we’ll have, but we’ll have some way to find us.
Gavin:
We’ll have waters and probably some Costco thing that David picks up off the side of the road outside that somebody dropped as they were trying to overload their car. So you just um access Hexher Playground very easily from about it’s like a seven, okay, ten minute walk from Columbus Circle or the other corner of Central Park in the Oligarch’s The Apple Store Oligarch apartments, formerly known as the Plaza Hotel. And um and you’ll find it right up in the middle.
David:
I forgot that it’s new. Oh god, okay. So anyway, well, Saturday’s there. We’re super excited.
Gavin:
Yeah. So um I do have a dad hack of the week somewhat related to what we were doing. And this is mainly just me saying, oh, I didn’t completely fuck up the entire week, which is my kids are tired. Um, we are, let’s see, as of this um airing, uh, I think we did just finish school actually yesterday, but hey, since we’re recording this a week in advance or so, um, my um I I shut up all of my questions for a good hour or two and let my kids just be completely quiet and um recharge their batteries. And I know that that’s very, very obvious, but I need to be reminded of that very simple dad hack of the week. Don’t bombard your kids with questions right after they’ve gotten home. They are hot, they’re tired, they want you to shut up because you don’t know anything anyway, and stop bothering them, right?
David:
So And if you need to talk, just talk into the microphone to our listener. They want to hear your questions, they want to know what’s going on in that little brain of yours.
Gavin:
And and the thing is, later in the day, then when I finally did time it very well and say, so give me the scoop from school, my daughter got the most shitty, evil, devilish grin because boy, they just spell gossip to share. And she was so it was like she was recharged to be able to deliver the tea in all the right ways. And it wasn’t mean, but it was good tea, and I will not share it on this show. All right. What I will share on the show is we do have a little bit of news of the week, and you know, it’s basically a horrible, no good, very bad time to be human, particularly American, right? But there are those who are standing up for what is right. So our very, very, very good friends, and eventually friends of the show, obviously, Pedro, Ariana, and Harry, also known as Pedro Pascal, Ariana Grande, and well, Harry Potter, because come on, Daniel, sorry, you just are Harry Potter. But the three of them have stood up against RFK Jr. and um the department of HHS because they were cutting funding for the is it 998 um emergency services for queer kids calling in for, you know, essentially a suicide hotline for queer kids. And Pedro, Ariana, and Harry have all said, you cannot defund this. And a lot of politicians have actually stood up for it too, because at least I think that they’re able to show this does very direct um help uh for children who are just trying to survive in the world. And let’s hope that he, RFK and all of them, see the light bit by bit by bit. But thank you, Pedro and Ariana and um Daniel Ryder. And come on to the show and tell us about your your advocacy, okay?
David:
And sorry, Daniel, for just reducing you down to the one role you played one time. Um, and and and you’re a much, much bigger and broader actor than that. But yes, like thank you for also standing up. Um we have a Dilf of the Week, and it was something that I came across, but not because you made me just Google something really quick before we um start recording. I somehow came across somehow in my feed, Ricky Martin is is still giving us the thoughty Instagram feed that we have been requesting. Oh, good. He posted these like videos slash like photos of him nude sunbathing. And he like places the camera down by his hip, but you can fully see he is wearing absolutely no clothes. Yes, did I pinch in Zoom? Sure did. But like it is, I love that he is like, I’m in my 50s and I’m still hot and I’m still giving you what you’re asking for. And he’s a gay dad, so we are very happy of our Dilf of the Week, Ricky.
Gavin:
And that is thank you, Ricky, for delivering Dilf of the Week for sure.
David:
You know what doesn’t deliver every week?
unknown:
What?
David:
Our top three list.
Gavin:
Gay triarch, top three list, three, two, one. All right, so this was my week. I wanted to know what are the three ways just to just just to be able to shit on something that’s wonderful at a time that shouldn’t be shit on, but what are the top three ways you call bullshit on pride? Um so for me, number three, being the um uh the raging socialist that I am, um uh it is, of course, I it’s too bad that we are limited to consumerism with rainbow flags at just one month of the year. So I call bullshit. My number three reason is uh only being able to buy rainbow uh resplendent stuff one time of the year, okay? Number two, it’s only 30 days. June is a short month. I mean, come on, give us at least one of the months that has 31 days.
David:
I mean, it’s not 29 or 28.
Gavin:
It could be February. It could be February. You’re exactly right about thank you. Thank you for um seeing the Glass Huffle and my calling bullshit on Pride. And then um, and then the number one thing that I always call bullshit on pride is it’s the time of the year where where we go, wait a minute, it’s June already? I am never ever prepared for June and Pride. Like Christmas, you have a r you you you have a ramp up to it for a couple of months. Uh Labor Day, you have a ramp up to it in summer, and blah blah blah. June surprises me every single time.
David:
So you want like in like February or March, you want like Lowe’s to start putting out rainbows. You know what I mean? Like you’re like, wait, you’re like, it’s not even June. Why are they putting out rainbows? Like that’s that’s the conversation you want happening. Got it.
Gavin:
I want to be a complete hypocrite and then say they are capitalizing on pride way too early. This is bullshit. So that’s the bullshit I call on pride.
David:
What about you? All right. So for number three for me, stop trying to please the other side. Stop trying to be in the middle, stop trying to reach across the aisle, stop it. This is not, this is not that. They have, they haven’t, they never have. So just stop. This is about us. We do. What we want, they can go fuck themselves. They can come, they can come to where we’re already standing. Yeah. Um, number two, don’t hand me anything. I hate walking around on pride and people handing me flyers or branded fucking paper fans or like cheap necklaces. Don’t hand me anything. Because what is it? Or gatriarch’s water bottle circles. Or gatriarch’s water bottles stickers. Yeah, circle stickers. I oh because what what I see is you hand something to me, you go, here, you throw this away. That’s all that’s all it is. And so number two, don’t hand me anything. Number one, I’m an old man. Get off my lawn. I’ve said this nonstop. There’s too many letters. Stop it with the gays. Stop it. You choose one word. It’s gonna be queer. We are queer. We are the queer community. We are we we are not the LGBTQ IA plus spirit. I I’m not interested in that. You you did just say it though. Two S LGBTQ plus IA plus. No, no. Oh, okay. You can’t even say it. We are we are as gay as Christmas, Gaven. And we cannot, your name is Gavin. We cannot even say the letter. So, number one, too many fucking letters.
Gavin:
All right. So what uh how are we gonna rain sunshine across our listener next week?
David:
Well, um, this is a little bit different, but um, what are the top three toys that you disappear before your kids even see them? Excellent. I know right away. Gavin, this week we get double. We get double the dads, double the joy, double the double the stress, double the exhaustion, double the diapers, double the love, double the driver.
Gavin:
My voice can’t go higher than this. Yes, yes.
David:
And maybe stop interrupting my intro. That I’d appreciate that part. More importantly, double the dad jokes. Our guests this week are dads that come from the two main pillars of all homosexual careers, higher education and retail. Please welcome to the show, Chad and Michael. Hey guys. Hi, thanks for having us. Yes, I I obviously we’re starting off with an apology. Gavin has uh is 15 minutes late, and also he interrupted the intro. So we’re starting off at Gate Sharks very strong. But before we dive into anything, we have to ask you what we always ask our guests how has your son driven you nuts today?
SPEAKER_05:
Uh well, first of all, I’m going to um put put an outlaw on slime.
David:
Oh.
SPEAKER_05:
Um slime is is clearly should be marketed as an after-school activity. Yes. Um, our son is three and a half, and this morning he insisted on doing slime before school, uh-huh. Which meant that slime was fucking everywhere. Slime was all over the kitchen, slime was all over his shirt, slime was all over me, and slime was all over the monster truck that was covered in slime. So we had to pick it all out with a toothpick before we could leave the house.
David:
Wow. So was he mad at you for the slime being in the truck?
SPEAKER_05:
Because I no, he was he was in a great mood, but he it just takes forever.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
So this morning it’s about slime. No slime.
Gavin:
So I feel like most people’s first outlaw is glitter. Um, because for for all the reasons that gay men would not want to have glitter coming through their houses, um, and particularly because it’s a very popular thing at preschools. I realize your three and a half-year-old goes to some kind of school, right? Yeah, yeah. He hasn’t come home with um glitter yet.
SPEAKER_05:
No, not glitter. It’s just like markers and slime are everywhere.
David:
And we and we want to clarify, we’re not talking about like a DVD of the movie glitter, which I think we would all be very, very happy about. Absolutely. Um, we’re talking about like the herpes of the craft world.
SPEAKER_05:
But yeah, we’ve had no glitter-related incidents so far.
David:
So just you wait. Just you. But it’s crazy because that slime, I know exactly the slime you’re talking about. I feel like when I was a young child in the 1800s, our slime had more consistency to where it didn’t like this slime is so thin and it just leaves little dots. Like, and if you have a rug or carpet, forget about it. Like, what is happening with today’s slime?
SPEAKER_06:
Oh no, it’s seriously the the looseness of it, like when he’s like leaning over it, his shirt gets into it. So we’ve gotten to the point where he’s like, just take your shirt off, buddy. So I’m afraid he’s actually gonna have a play date and they’re gonna be like, oh, let’s play with slime, and he’s just gonna start stripping.
David:
This is why gays should not have kids. They just take slime with their shirts off. Oh my god. But so true.
Gavin:
But I mean, have you found a hack for getting slime out of clothes or with all your experience out of rugs or or tea towels or anything?
SPEAKER_06:
No, yeah, just buy a new rug.
Gavin:
Throw it out. Hey, listener out there, do you have any hacks for us for getting slime out of fabric? Please.
David:
Other than buying new rugs. I feel that way sometimes like when I come home and the house is has has just exploded in some way, where it’s just like there’s shit everywhere, and you just look around and you you legitimately aren’t sure where to start. I always think, I actually think it’d be easier to move.
SPEAKER_03:
Like I think it’d be easier to burn the place down.
David:
Do you know what I mean? Just like light a match, get a check for the insurance company, and start anew somewhere else. Because I don’t even know where to begin at this. Yes.
SPEAKER_05:
Sometimes it’s the easiest just to shut the door from the other side. Then there’s that. That’s that’s very New England of you where I live.
Gavin:
Yes. Just let’s just literally sweep it under the slime-covered rug and close the door, turn our backs on it and walk away and pretend it doesn’t exist. Yeah. So you guys are particularly I will say, knowing preparing for you to come on here, we like to think of ourselves, hopefully, as a comedy podcast. And I’m like, David, you know you’re bringing on funny people onto the show. Like, what if they’re funnier than well, you are, because obviously everybody is funnier than I am. But you you kind of have made your brand out of dad jokes, right? Yeah.
unknown:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_06:
Yeah. It’s it was it was kind of a tongue-in-cheek way of like, you know what? There’s obviously going to be two dads because we’re obviously a gay dad family, but like, how is how can we take something relatable and just amplify it at times too? And I know we went back and forth with like um you know different kinds of names, but we really stuck with double the dad jokes, and I think I’m more so the one that kind of drops the dad jokes every once in a while. And you know, I love a good pun. So you’re the punny one we try to work in. Yes, absolutely.
David:
I I would love to see like all of the like the handles that you like passed on, like four balls and two dicks, or like whatever, like, yeah, we’re like you’re like, no, that’s not really our brand. Because there’s a lot, listen, there’s you’re you’re not the only too dad, too gay dad kind of not influencers, I fucking hate that word, but you know, prominent people on social media who have this kind of like you know, the shtick, and like other ones are like the fit dads, and we’re the whatever dads or whatever. Uh, but you guys are you guys are also you guys are double the dad jokes, obviously in puns, but also you’re and I don’t mean this to sound critical, uh Disney gays.
unknown:
Yeah, right?
David:
Right? Would you would you I would you self-identify as a Disney gay?
SPEAKER_06:
Uh I would not I would not deny it if I was backed into a corner.
David:
In other words, we’re backing you into a zoom corner right now, and you are admitting it.
Gavin:
Okay, all right, all right.
David:
Well, because you know, you you do have a lot of content in or around Disney. You talk about Disney, you’ve brought your, you know, you’ve you’ve been to Disney before. And I I actually that was one of the things I was really excited to talk about, mostly for my own self-interest, because I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old, and I feel like we are getting very close to Disney age. They’ve started to talk about it, yeah, they’ve started to know what it is. They obviously know the characters, but like they know that there’s this place called Disney where you go ride on rides. And I keep saying, Oh, when you’re older and you can ride them, but I don’t actually know what rides are available. So I need advice from you. What age is an appropriate age for kids to go to Disney? Probably last year. Oh, come on. So I’ve already ruined my child’s like future. Okay, cool, good to know.
SPEAKER_06:
Yeah. I I will say Disney’s really good about uh catering to all ages. So obviously, you’ve got your camp that says they’re not gonna remember it, it’s not for them until they are old enough to remember it. But you also have the camp where it’s like start making the memories now, and it’s so funny just to hear him bring up Disney and like things that we recently done there or things he wants to do the next time. I’m like, how are you so sure it’s gonna be a next time, buddy? Like, we’re not we’re not going there all the time, but it’s it’s actually there’s a lot for them to do there, even at our son’s age at three and a half. There’s endless possibilities. So it’s never too early, if you ask me, but obviously I’m the Disney adult.
SPEAKER_05:
So well, I need to slap my own disclaimer on that. Michael and I were dating like four years before he even let it slip that he was into Disney. He withheld that. He withheld that. He withheld it. I was in too deep.
SPEAKER_06:
I couldn’t back up until he put a ring on it. I was like, uh, what’s Disney? I don’t know.
David:
I mean that’s a that’s a smart trick. Can I tell you also? So my husband and I met on match.com, and I mean.com, where like pre-apps, you had to log into a website to find messenger. Correct. And I spent up until that point, my entire life in the Broadway community as an actor and a director. And my husband was a huge fan of musical theater, although he’s not an actor. We both had it nowhere on our profile. Oh, seriously? Yeah, because we didn’t want to be looked at as the music theater queens. We wanted to be. Isn’t that so sad?
Gavin:
I mean, two of the two of the happiest art forms on the entire world, Disney and Broadway, and yet we’re hiding it because we’re stigmatized for it. Come on.
David:
Totally. Totally bad. And then we had to trick each other, and then we both kind of like pulled our masks off, and we’re like, you? It’s like that Spider-Man game where everyone’s pointing at each other. We’re like, you like musical theater. No, you like musical theater.
Gavin:
Well, so wait, so speaking of picking uh take uh peeling those masks off, is there like a sub-society of Disney gays and in particular Disney gay dads? Like, there’s gotta be a niche Facebook network of those folks.
David:
And in not submissive, like a like like a subside. Yes.
Gavin:
Well, I’m sure there you can delineate between those who fetishize Flynn Ryder from Tangled and those who fetish, I don’t know, the animal characters or something.
SPEAKER_06:
Like the first one. There’s definitely a niche gay dad Disney uh group. Um, I will say, and uh if you don’t follow them currently, there’s a DILFs of Disney World or Dilfs of Disneyland.
David:
We had money. We had the we had the creator as one of our guests, Amber. She was a guest on this show that she barely listened to. Um she was and she spilled all the tea about how she created it and like what like and it’s and it’s it’s all it’s like all the best things. It was a totally self-serving vehicle because she thought Disney dads were fucking hot. So she started taking pictures of strange guys and posting them on the internet.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, I have big aspirations of being on it.
SPEAKER_03:
Okay, I think we’ve been on it.
David:
Oh, have you?
SPEAKER_06:
I mean, we can hook you up. Yeah, we might have to check, but it’s so funny because now she’s basically created an empire where gays are just taking pictures of dads and sending it into her.
David:
Yes, she’s yeah, she’s create people just bring her all the content. She just sorts through. And she, and you know, when she when she was talking to us, she was saying it’s not just hot guy at Disney. She’s like, it’s a very particular look. There’s he’s she’s like, you gotta be mid-stride. I like a sporty approach. There’s always a stroller, usually a baseball cap and some sort of white sneaker. She she went into such detail, was like, babe, you’ve really thought about that. Yes. I like there’s a formula.
Gavin:
She probably isn’t capitalizing on upon it like she could. But is this just an algorithmic world like you’re just like liking folks on Instagram? Or is there ever like is there ever a meetup in fantasy land um at the teacups where all of the gays get together and I don’t know, circle up and say hi?
David:
Gayman is alluding to like the parking lot bathrooms, is what he said. Yeah, that’s not what we do.
SPEAKER_05:
There’s not a lot of like Disney cruising that I know about. No, no, it’s just implied.
SPEAKER_06:
I think our followers just kind of are wondering like, are they really gay dad friends or are they more than that? Uh but to expand on your question, I think the the the Disney is not so closeted as it was in the beginning of our relationship. I think we we’ve made a circle of gay dads and just inherently organically talked about how much we love Disney, and then I think the meetups just happen organically.
Gavin:
Meetups like at a playground or at Disneyland, Disney World.
David:
Both at Disneyland, great, and um it just sounds so expensive. Oh god. He’s like, hey Bill, want to meet up for lunch? Yeah, I’ll drop$10,000 today, right? Like I have friends, and I’ll I’ll be very I have friends that I know who went to Disney for one week. It was a family of four, uh a mom and a dad, and then two kids. Family of four, now they stayed on property, they ate on property, they did all that stuff. They said they spent$30,000. Oh my god, that’s a lot. Wow. That is a lot. So that’s a lot.
Gavin:
How do you guys mitigate that?
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. Or are you rich? We’re not rich. No, but we do have an annual pass. Okay, big difference. So we go, we go often enough that that’s that makes it worth it for us.
SPEAKER_03:
Totally.
SPEAKER_05:
And then everyone that we are that’s in our Disney circle also has the annual pass. So, like, when you’re walking in the park, it’s essentially free.
David:
Yeah. Um, because you’ve already paid for that. I love gay math. I love gay math so much. Yeah, yeah. And you’re like, well, it’s it’s actually free that we’re here. So that’s really fine. Wait, I I jumped the gun. Let’s go back a little bit. I want to know more about you guys and also how you became dads. How did you become dads? Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. Uh so we did it the old-fashioned way. Um, we went in a bar. Love it. Um tried and tried and tried.
David:
Not a Miller light in the bathroom, I would say afterwards. Uh, too. No, Carrie Underwood was playing on the jukebox. You got a little sexy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
We we knocked boots. And then uh uh we were both living in Tampa like in 2009. That’s when we met um at G Bar. Um the the like the best gay bar in the world, I guess. Of course. Shout out. We eventually moved to Baltimore and met some other um potential gay dads who were pursuing adoptions. We like visited an adoption agency, got really overwhelmed with all of the possibilities. We did the all of the research for the for the State Departments and got all those big red X’s that said, no, you may not adopt as two men. You may not adopt as two women.
SPEAKER_06:
I will say the one gripe I have that I was so mad is that today’s media they make it seem so easy, right? Like you think that Asian countries just have all these babies to throw around at gay dads, but that’s not necessarily the case, you know. First, the the adoption agency we went to, they paraded this family. It was a white hetero couple, and they’re three beautiful Korean daughters, and like they made us fall in love with them. And I’m like, oh my gosh, that’s just like you know, Cam and Mitch on Modern Family and all this stuff, and it’s so possible. And they open up this world of possibility, and your hope is so high. And then once you actually sit down with a counselor and they’re like, okay, we this country doesn’t recognize same-sex marriage, so only one of you can legally adopt, and then you would have to apply for legal guardianship once they come to like it was just the timeline and the the whole process and what countries did what we were just so defeated. Yeah.
Gavin:
Yes. Uh that’s uh thank you for that perspective, but you kept going.
SPEAKER_05:
We did, but really, we didn’t have to we didn’t have to go much further. Like literally two days later, a friend of mine from college called me on um the phone and said, I am finished having my own family. Um, I’ve had all of my kids of my own. Would you be interested in me being a surrogate? Wow. Wow. It was it was that fast. Yeah, that’s incredible.
SPEAKER_06:
Like, this is not someone we talked to on a daily basis. Like we hung out, you you were friends in college, and we just And she knew that you were trying to have a family?
David:
No, it was out of the blue. Whoa!
SPEAKER_00:
What?
David:
Yeah, wow. That’s amazing. That is wild. Okay, and so what happened next? I mean, it’s the thing that I’ve learned, I went through surrogacy twice, so did Gavin. Like, it’s not just like a okay, now you’re pregnant, here’s your baby. Like, there’s quite a few steps. But so she said that. And did you guys know anything about the process at that point?
SPEAKER_05:
Nothing. So it was this was at the kind of the beginning or the precipice of the pandemic. So we went to uh a fertility clinic and kind of massed up and met with a doctor and really started to understand what the timeline was going to look like, um, how we were going to even go about this because our our surrogate gave us kind of what timeline she was expecting. Um, and it took us about 18 months in total um to select an embryo, to go through kind of the the overall process, um, and then to um get pregnant.
SPEAKER_06:
Yeah, I think we had a lot of real conversations about you know using our own, you know, sperm and like who, you know, whether one of us would feel more attached knowing that biologically one was that. And we know always knew that we were going to adopt. So to honor, you know, the initial kind of wanting to adopt and knowing that there are loved babies out there. We actually talked to a lesbian couple that turned on, turned us on to the fertility clinic, and they said, Oh, yeah, they have a bunch of embryos stored, and you either have to donate them or destroy them or continue to pay for storage. Oh wow. Essentially, we honored our adoption by adopting an embryo, and that would be how interesting.
David:
So you adopted so there was another couple that had created embryos that they were done, they didn’t need anymore, and they were either going to be donated or discarded. Um, and so you adopted that embryo, and that embryo, your surrogate, was transferred to your surrogate.
Gavin:
And what’s the name of that service that that helps match um, you know?
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, we used um Shady Grove Fertility. It’s based out of Maryland, but they have uh sites um all over the country.
David:
Shady Grove sounds like that retirement home in Shady Pines, Shady Pines, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gavin:
I mean it’s so golden girls. But very different. So Shady Grove Fertility, though, they help match um uh uh discarded yeah, discarded embryos.
David:
I know the word the words get weird when you’re talking about it.
Gavin:
How fascinating. I didn’t know that existed, but what a great service, honestly.
SPEAKER_05:
So I I guess like once an embryo is created, that has a shelf life, right? Yeah, um once once it’s graded as whatever those grades are, A or A A or B, B, um it has a shelf life, and then that the creation couple has to make a decision at the end of the shelf life to to donate or destroy. Um, and so that’s a really hard decision. Yeah. Um or keep storing it and paying for storage if they want to have more children.
David:
How interesting. I mean, it’s it’s crazy because like I think every state must be different, or maybe it’s every um embryologist or whatever. But when we so we had 13 embryos that we created, and then we used two of them, which are my two children, and so we had 11 left. And we were um what when they presented us with like here are your options afterwards, you can pay to store them, you can donate them, you can discard again. The words are weird, but you could throw them away. But ours had a third option, which I don’t think is always the case, which is you could donate them to scientific research. And this particular and that to me, for my husband and I, like we lit up when we thought about that because for for maybe I don’t know what the reasons are, egotistical, I don’t know what you’re talking what I’m thinking about, but like we didn’t want to see them, yeah. Yeah, I don’t I don’t I it was so such a weird thing because they were our DNA and like we had our kids, and I don’t it just felt really weird, but then we definitely felt weird throwing them away. And the scientific thing was like, oh, it just felt like so magical. We’d be like, Oh, this can help. This is they’re not being they’re that’s not used, you’re not throwing them in the trash, you know. Right. But I don’t think that’s always the case.
Gavin:
So you were this is a fantastic service, and you were able to. To use a friend who came forward to be your surrogate carrier, which is amazing. You saved so much money to be able to spend at Disney. I mean, this was so smart. This was genius. This was part of the plan, wasn’t it?
David:
Every time you ride Space Mountain, you’re like, yeah!
Gavin:
I don’t mean to um poke fun. That is um that all works out well. And can you tell me? I don’t know, David, if we have ever had somebody who did, in fact, well, not if you did, used a friend um or a uh a family member to be the carrier, but how did that work out for you? And did you have to worry about were you contracted up to the up to your neck to make sure that you know all T’s are crossed and all I’s are dotted?
SPEAKER_06:
Yeah, we had to do, I mean, we had to go through not I I won’t say a lot of hoops, but there’s definitely a process where you know making sure that insurance was provided for you know both parties, you know, we had to go through hours of like social work and like counseling to make sure everyone was in the right headspace. You know, our surrogate was in the right headspace to be able to, you know, carry both carry the baby, but also be willing to give it up because even though she was carrying it, you know the he became a ward of the state, right, once he was born. So we had to legally adopt him from the state of Florida.
David:
So I mean there was a lot of hoops and a lot of process, but is the is the is the requirement for adoption, because that’s new to me, is that because of state rules, or is that because the the baby wasn’t biologically connected to you?
SPEAKER_05:
Correct. So he was born in Florida and we did a pre-planned adoption. This is the most like legal work that we’ve we’ve ever had to do, the most interaction with lawyers. So he was born in the state of Florida, we did a pre-planned adoption. So as soon as he was birthed, um he he wasn’t he was not connected to to our gestational carrier at all, and so her name did not appear on his own. Except through an umbilical cord, but anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All that all that science stuff. Um, and then um so we had a pre-planned adoption. Um, our names were pre-printed on his birth certificate, um, but then we had to go through a little bit more uh a few more legal hoops so that we were his parents like three days later.
SPEAKER_06:
And then we went to Disney after the city.
SPEAKER_05:
And then we went to Disney. We had to make like a 48-hour drive home with a two-day old.
SPEAKER_06:
Which coincidentally, our surrogate is also a Disney adult, and she will absolutely tell everyone under the sun. So she she came along as well.
Gavin:
Oh that oh, that’s fantastic, though. I mean, I didn’t I didn’t quite realize Disney adult was a term, a technical term, so but makes more sense with Disney gays and Disney gay adults. Anyway, and you baptized him in the fountain in front of um castle, which also Splash Mountain. Shout out to Broadway husbands for giving us that joke years ago, or a year ago. Um, so so then may I ask, did you compensate her or did or did you? We did not. That’s great. I mean, how fantastic.
SPEAKER_06:
So incredibly generous of her and completely selfless, yeah. Oh wow. We do we don’t we don’t keep secrets and we’re 100% transparent with our son. So whenever um Mother’s Day rolls around, we don’t talk about her, but like his transfer day on December 9th, on December 9th, like we call that Karen Day. Oh, that’s awesome. We we talk about her, and you know, every time I I’m not kidding, she’s a Disney doll. And every time we go to Disney and she’s in Florida, we make sure to let ring her up, and she comes with her entire family. And this last trip that we went on, we were all together, and he knows exactly who she is. That’s great. You know, the great thing about literature these days is that they have something for every issue and every topic. And you know, when he asks, you know, how did you become my dad’s, I’m like, Well, you remember when Mikey, Mikey’s mom couldn’t grow a watermelon in her garden, so a friend grew a watermelon, you’re you’re our watermelon, and she’s her garden could grow you. And he’s like, Oh, cool. I was like, nailed it.
David:
Nailed it. It’s amazing. Well, it’s so funny. Like, I I don’t know how how and how many like of the kind of gay dad communities you’re a part of in like Facebook and Instagram, but it one of the most common questions I feel like comes up all the time is like, my son is starting to ask about his mom and why doesn’t he have a mom? Does anybody have any books or whatever? And you know, everyone chimes in with the same kind of advice, and it’s all really good advice. But the the thing that I stand by and we very much um uh are are doing, and I think you guys are doing as well, is like from the get-go, you say all the things out loud. So you take the heat, you take the weight out of it, you don’t go, oh well it’s Mother’s Day, and I had a you know, it’s like no, and I I you know my son was in pre-K4 and I would drop him off, and there was this girl in Gabin knows us. This girl, I hated. A little girl, a child, a four-year-old who I just hated. She just annoyed the shit out of me. But she would run up to me, she goes, Why doesn’t he have uh a mom? Like very accusatory to me. Mind your own business, Becky. First of all, Becky, you don’t even have good hair. Second of all, I hate you. I’m a 45-year-old man who hates a four-year-old. Yeah, but no, but but what I would do because because my son, he is hearing this, the whole class is listening, the teacher’s listening, and everyone’s looking for me to model what is the reaction here. And I would always go, he doesn’t have a mom, he has two dads, isn’t that cool? And then I would talk to something else. And it would take the wind out of her sails, which was both satisfying as the person who hated her or arch enemy. But also, I think it made it set a tone for the room of like this is how we talk about this. And you know, sometimes teachers will come up to me privately a week before Mother’s Day, and they’ll be like, So we’re gonna do a craft, is that okay? What do we do? And I was like, No, we like we celebrate the moms in our life. We have lots of moms in our life, right? They have grandmas, uh, Aunt Erin is a is a mom. Like, we have all of these moms that we’re gonna give these things to, but from the get-go, we we are honest about their journey, and I think taking the weight out and making that story just a normal part of their story, even if none of their friends have gay dads, I think is really imperative.
SPEAKER_05:
This this week, his teacher was like, Do you can you bring in two white t-shirts? We’re gonna tie-dye it for Father’s Day. And I was like, he doesn’t need to do two shirts, we don’t need a thousand fucking shirts around here. I’ll bring in one shirt for him to make for himself, and you can write whatever you want.
David:
I also don’t want any of the shit you make at David. Let’s be honest. Like, the amount of times a blue sheet of paper has been sent home with my daughter’s name on it. I was like, I don’t want this.
Gavin:
You all are so cynical as a parent of a 12 and a 13-year-old whose kids do not bring me art anymore. I am stunned at how you are just like, burn it, burn it all.
David:
I’m gonna start sending you home with a blue sheet of paper with your son’s.
SPEAKER_05:
One piece of copy maker with a marker mark does not art make.
Gavin:
Well said. How has uh being parents um affected you at work? Because you both have actually really interesting jobs. Can you say how that’s affected y’all?
SPEAKER_06:
I will say, and you guys know this, but it’s nice to play the parent card when you want to like not be in the office. My son has become the scapegoat for every single time. I was like, you know what, I don’t want to go in today. Oh, our son has a little bit of a cough, so just to play it safe. Yeah.
SPEAKER_03:
Does that sound horrible?
Gavin:
Luckily, nobody listens to this podcast, so nobody will know at work that you’ve been scapegoating your child.
SPEAKER_06:
That’s the biggest thing I feel like for me at least, is that because I have to be in office uh a lot of the time. Um, so I appreciate the flexibility that they do give me, and they’re not like, well, you have to be here. Um, so super grateful for that. That’s good. It does, it does kind of light a fire under my ass to like get more shit done at work. So that way when I’m home, I’m completely present for him. Right.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. I mean, I I agree. We do trade off like sick days and stuff, but they don’t they don’t know at work the cadence by which we’re trained.
David:
Double dipping for sure. Well, you know, I think there’s also like there’s I don’t know if you guys have experienced this, but like just becoming a parent, whether it’s gay or not, like you get like access to this like secret like executive bathroom you didn’t know existed, where you guys can do you know what I mean, where you’re just like, oh, well, we’re parents and we can have these like like you’re just a member of a team suddenly that I think can you can leverage for these like days off where like with other with other parents, right? If your boss isn’t a parent, you’re fucked because they don’t give a fuck about the pink eye epidemic happening in the pre-K3.
SPEAKER_05:
It’s like being a smoker, which we never were, but like you get you get the smoke break now. Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_06:
You can kind of tell who all the parents are because like at three o’clock, there’s like this mass exodus of people leaving the building, and you can just see people be like, uh, parents.
David:
Yeah, yeah. Oh god, I used to be a smoker and I’m embarrassed, I’m embarrassed, but I I’m honest about it. I smoked for 10 years. And I the la the last couple of years I smoked, I was doing a show, I was doing a musical, and we I was smoking so much that at intermission I needed to smoke. So I would put on my robe, but I’m still in full makeup and wig and microphone, and I’m leaning out the stage door, smoking camel special lights, and I would always smoke with a guy who played the donkey in the show. So there’s this like man in a donkey hood smoking cigarettes outside, and like and then and then we come in and we chew gum, and we think that that’s gotten rid of the smell. Do you know what I mean? That’s just such assholes.
SPEAKER_05:
Um I didn’t know there was a donkey in cats.
Gavin:
Can you can you imagine my ass was in cats? That sounds like a vast improvement over cats, though, I would say. Cats moment. And a donkey. Um, so speaking of uh characters and whatnot and smoking or non, give us a little bit of insider tips on Disney. Like your favorite place to stay. Do we do how do we get through the lines best? Is there uh is it the lightning lane, the genie plot?
SPEAKER_05:
Okay, money solves all problems. Got it. I think I think the the best place to stay is on a Disney cruise line.
SPEAKER_06:
Oh no, this is the real tea. Let’s listen to this. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. So we we had never done a Disney cruise until recently. We thought they were too unattainable and out of reach. And then about two years ago, we took our first one and it was it was a game changer. It’s a really easy, uh approachable kind of way to do Disney with your kids where you’re not overwhelmed by the parks because the characters are there. Um, it’s very well themed, the food is good, um, it’s not overly crowded, and it’s uh it’s more affordable than you think.
SPEAKER_06:
Yeah, I used to be like the number one salesman because of toddler age, it’s like the stress of naps and like having to get back to the hotel room in the middle of the day during the parks. But like on a cruise, you know, whenever it’s nap time, you just walk downstairs or upstairs to go to your stateroom. But like even all ages kids, so for your older kids, there’s kids’ clubs where you can literally shove them in there and they can’t actually leave until one of the parents come out. It’s like a kid jail on the ship. And you go to the there’s a adult, there’s adults only sections on the ship where there’s a quiet pool and a bar where kids aren’t supposed to run around. So people see your Disney cruise, they think kids are just running around like that. You’re like, no, they have they have cages for those kids. I mean, it’s basically the Disney version of the city. You’re in the goofy time in there. Well, they haven’t they’re having a great time. They’re making kids and they’re making friends, and they’re like literally keep in touch.
Gavin:
In terms of the cages and the adults only and the cruising. Is there a place where the gay dads are like, let’s all just have a kiki? And and I am just saying, get together and drink and complain about being dads together? Or has has there been that socialization on a cruise? Yeah, it’s karaoke.
SPEAKER_06:
It’s literally a karaoke.
Gavin:
Where everybody’s singing Defiant Gravity.
SPEAKER_06:
Or all the Disney. Or let it go.
SPEAKER_03:
Oh, is karaoke just Disney music? No, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_06:
There are different karaokes. There’s Disney karaoke, there’s family karaoke, there’s adults karaoke, and it could be non-Disney as well.
Gavin:
Guys, there’s is there is only one correct response to this. But what is your favorite Disney song? Oh my gosh. How is there only one Okay? Because I’m curious to hear. No, let’s hear. What because the correct response is when will my life begin from Tangled?
David:
Oh my god. No, not even top ten at the end.
Gavin:
Not in number one. Number one.
David:
No, so number one is Little Mermaid.
Gavin:
No, God, no. Are you kidding me? Under the sea? No.
SPEAKER_05:
No part of your world.
SPEAKER_03:
Who invited the sky?
SPEAKER_05:
I only like those like very fast songs from early 90s, like Be R Guest and Under the Sea. Okay.
David:
All right. How do you feel about human again? What like that’s a very controversial topic. The song Human Again from Beating the Beast that was cut from the movie, but put on the Broadway.
SPEAKER_06:
I have been, I have been, but oh my gosh. I have David as a Disney adult.
Gavin:
This is why people don’t want to talk to Broadway freaks, okay? So we’re bringing this full song.
David:
There was a song towards the end of the movie called Human Again that they all all the enchanted objects sang about, oh man, I can’t wait to be human again, and it’s just upbeat song or whatever. They cut it from the film because whatever. Um, but then when they put it on Broadway, they put that song in the Broadway show. Wow, I’m educating the children.
Gavin:
This is so embarrassing. I’m sorry for him. What is your favorite Disney song, y’all?
SPEAKER_06:
Okay, in a heartbeat, it or in uh no hesitation, eye to eye from a goofy movie. Oh I’ll allow that. I’ll allow that.
Gavin:
All right, yeah, I’ll allow that. I enjoy a deep cut like that.
SPEAKER_06:
Other than that, I would say I see the light. It’s such a romantic, like tangled I see the light, you know, Zach Alevi, but not right now.
Gavin:
Um anymore. Bringing it back to Zach Flynn again, or not Zach Flynn Rider, Flynn Rider.
David:
But we did a top three list of top three Disney songs, and we had the same argument then. So yeah. Well, I’m just curious.
Gavin:
Well, he did say be our guest and um um Under the Sea. And those are good, hey, all great ones. But there is only one correct answer is um uh When Will My Life Begin. Oh my god.
David:
It’s just okay, Gavin. It’s as good.
Gavin:
That wouldn’t even hit my top 10. It’s as good as Call Me Maybe. It’s as good as Call Me Maybe. Anyway. Call Me Maybe before we it’s as good as Call Me Maybe.
SPEAKER_05:
Before we almost wrap up, almost. Oh my god.
Gavin:
I am just curious, back to the dad jokes. Give us a couple of your best, will you please? I knew this was coming. Oh no.
David:
Hey, if this is gonna be your Instagram handle and your entire online person.
SPEAKER_06:
No, and you’ve got to come with it. And I think it started off like that, and now it’s just kind of migrated to just to not that. To not that. And I’m like, oh gosh, I’m I’m really regretting our name twice now because of exactly moments like this.
Gavin:
Oh yeah. Well, we’ll sit here in awkward moments.
David:
We’re the long advertisers are gonna love this. Lots of pauses, lots of silos. All right, how about this? How about this? You guys think about it, and then I want you guys to message me, and then when your episode comes out, we’ll do like an Instagram story about here’s the joke. Done, great. Okay, great. Love good. And before we actually let you go, we gotta end with tell us a story of you guys becoming parents and the moment you’ll never forget. When did you earn that parenting badge? When did everything go wrong? And you’re like, oh my god, I’m a dad.
SPEAKER_06:
Go for it.
David:
You go for it.
SPEAKER_05:
Oh, when did everything go wrong? I think it it either happened very early on or this week.
David:
So love it.
SPEAKER_05:
Choose the most disgusting one. Go. It’s not it’s this week. So we had a four-day weekend. He was off from school on Friday and Monday, obviously, for the holiday. Um, and he had he was a perfect little angel all weekend long. He went to see his first movie. We went to see Lilo and Stitch. It was great. He had a great time. Then on Tuesday morning, we were driving to school and we get there at eight o’clock, and he decides that he’s uh fully possessed by Satan and can’t get out of the car. Oh I get in and out of the car seven times because each time I’ve broken one of his little rules. So I took my seatbelt off wrong. Um, I talked to him one time, and I wasn’t supposed to. I took his snack out of his hand the wrong way. Um, two times I drug him out of the car while he was gripping onto the hand dress or the hand thing at the top. Um, it took an hour to get him from the car into the school. His teacher had to come out and like intervene. I thought I was gonna be arrested by CBS.
David:
Wow. I love my favorite thing that you said, which is like any parent out there listening, I guarantee you is laughing when you said, I broke some of his little rules. These little rules that he just happened to make on the side. They just came up with. Exactly. And he didn’t lie, he didn’t tell us about these rules. These aren’t consistent rules. My daughter this morning woke up like on the right side of the bed, and my husband goes, What is the difference between today and yesterday? Yesterday she woke up with Satan inside of her, and it was like, yeah, broken these little rules that you just you you just did everything wrong.
SPEAKER_06:
I think for me, there’s like little moments where I’m like, oh god, I’ve become my father. And I think most recently, and this isn’t this is actually pretty kind of endearing, but like he’s he started soccer and not like soccer where you just run around in a circle and talk about your feelings and talk about colors, but actual like put a jersey on and like pick.
Gavin:
I’m sorry, where’s this other form of soccer? I would have joined the other one. Oh, yeah.
SPEAKER_06:
I think it’s yeah, I think you have to be at least one or one and a half, but they’re just like blowing bubbles and tossing around hula hoops. And I’m like, I’m like, are we I mean we paid for this? Are we ever gonna see this other wrong? Anyways, most recently he actually started physically playing soccer, kicking a ball and learning skills and drills. And I I just had a moment of reflection because I was in there and I was cheering him on, and I all of a sudden stood up and I looked around, and I was the only adult on the field. Everyone else was just kind of sitting down, yeah, and I’m running up and down the sidelines, like clapping my hands and then telling him, Oh, you’ll get him next time, buddy. And I’m like, he’s three and a half. Like, I have so much time to be a soccer dad that like it immediately, like just instinctively clicked in. But I think the most recent one was last night during dinner, where you know, being a Disney family, being a musical family, we’re always listening to music, we’re always singing along, and even to his little shows that he watches, where we’ve come experts at the theme songs. And when you know you sing along, it’s no surprise that they say stop singing, right? It’s not because of my skill, it’s because they want to hear it themselves. But last night during dinner, it wasn’t singing. Chad and I were just talking about something while he was eating in his chair, and he said, Stop talking. I’m like, Why? He’s like, Because if you’re talking, I can’t eat. I’m like, Well, why can’t you eat? Because when you talk, it hurts my ears. I’m like, okay, asshole. Like, why do you have to be so mean?
David:
I will I will literally be singing to like the music, and my and my son or daughter will be like, Stop singing. Oh my god. I was like, I sang on Broadway. People paying me to sing. Classically trained. Classically trained. I have a degree from Florida State University in musical theater. Um, well, Chad, Michael, thank you so much for demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast. Thank you for being uh a voice of comedy in the gay parenting world. Obviously, it’s very near and dear to Gavin and I’s heart to have these full hilarious lives, and we appreciate you doubling the dad jokes. Everyone out there, follow them. They are at double the dad jokes. That’s correct, right? Um, yes, and and thank you. Thanks, guys. Thank you. Thank you so much for having us. This has been a pleasure. So my something great is an app. Um it is okay. Uh it’s kind of an app. So uh if if you travel at all, you know you can sign up for something called TSA Precheck, which allows you to go into a special line and you don’t have to take shit out of your bag and you can kind of wear your hoodie. It’s it’s much easier. Um, there’s also something called global entry, and that is kind of an international version of that where when you come home and you’re going through immigration, you can stand in a long fucking line where they’re like, Why are you here? What the fuck are you doing? And you feel like you’re in trouble. Um or you can go through the global entry line is kind of like TSA pre check where it’s a little bit of a fast pass. Now I just recently um traveled internationally, and when I came back, the global entry now has an app where when you land, you open your app and you click like I’m here, you answer the questions, did you bring anything, you know? Any plants? Do you are you smuggling cocaine up your asshole? Whatever it is. And um, you say and you say go or whatever. And then when you go to the global entry line, you don’t show your ID, you don’t show your passport, you don’t do anything. You walk up, the guy goes, What’s your name? I say David Vaughn. He goes, Great, continue on. And you just are done. That’s how easy it is. Which, if you’ve ever phoned internationally, that immigration line is super fucking annoying. It is awful. And it’s long and you feel like you’re in trouble because they’re like, What are you doing here? How long are you staying here? You’re like, I don’t know. I’m just, am I in trouble? So the global entry app, hey, if you’re not paying for global entry, I think it’s like a hundred dollars for five years of global entry. So yeah, do it. Um, and yeah, so that’s that’s my something great this week. What about you?
Gavin:
That level of privilege for your something great. Privilege is something great for sure, David. Privilege is something great. Uh so my something great this week is fishing. My son is really into fishing with his friends. And luckily we live in a place that there’s a few options for that. And he is in a um, he’s in middle school and he’s in a what they call fam clon famcon class. I suppose that’s like family economics or something. It’s home ec, right? And he said, I want to bring in a fish that I caught for extra credit.
David:
Cooked. Oh God. Is he gonna eventually put this on his like his tender profile with his sunglasses? Like, are you do you have a January 6th defender? What is going on?
Gavin:
That that is a worry that we have had. But so far his politics are correct uh and based in truth. But anyway, he caught a fish yesterday, and part of my something great is relying on friends because he was like, he brings me a bucket when I picked him up, and he’s a bucket with fish and water in it. I’m like, I’m not taking that in the car. It’s gonna be I drive way too recklessly to be able to have an open bucket with a couple fish in it. Luckily, I called a neighbor who I know is an experienced fisherman, and I’m like, hey, could you clean a fish for me? Because the last time I cleaned a fish, I was younger than my son is, and I have done it, and it is what? Disgusting. But I don’t have like sharp knives. Basically, every single knife in our house, that’s a problem. Okay, I’ve turned the something great into way too much. I my something great is that my neighbor came to the rescue for my son, whose creativity is such that he wants to bring in breaded fried bluegills into his class and talk about immigration reform. And I will report back on how that all went. So uh, anyway, that is our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
David:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast on the internet. David is at DavidFM Bond everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge on Will You Know Biden. Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcast. Thanks, and we’ll D scale you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.