Full Transcript
So keeping in line with, frankly, the theme of the day, which is I would say our theme today, it’s like Sesame Street at the end say, This show was brought to you by the letter A and the number 17, right? Well, um, sticking with our lesbian theme here, which has been, by the way, awesome. Like I need to make that disclaimer. Okay, shut the fuck up.
David:
It’s fun to watch you watch yourself and then crumble into pieces.
Gavin:
Oh my god, I hate myself sometimes.
David:
And this is Gatriarchs. So we are kind of we’re recording a little early and we’re a little messed up with our timelines, but I didn’t want Pride to go by. Um, it’s already August, I know when you’re listening to this, but I didn’t want to go Pride to go by without us kind of talking about our highs and lows. Because I feel like this year’s Pride was great, but I had a high and a low I wanted to mention. So my low was on our neighborhood group. Somebody posted, can you believe that they posted an LGBTQ Pride little rainbow in the hallway of the elementary school? And of course, the Facebook feed fucking blew up. And I am Facebook fights, catnip for me.
Gavin:
Catnip. I cannot I was not aware of that. I can’t have a.
David:
I mean, hello. First of all, okay, boomer. Yeah, oh, totally. Okay, boomer. Total boomer. And so I got in there and I was like, so people were arguing back and forth, like, should it be posted? You know, how dare they? Blah, blah, blah. So I kind of popped in and was like, hey guys, gay dad with a son who’s going in elementary school next year. Here’s my point of view on this. And everyone was like, well, yeah, but then they’re gonna have to describe what LGBTQ means to a child. And that’s just protect the child. You know, it’s it’s all the right, it’s all the smoke screens, right? So that that was my low for pride because it made me feel really fucking shitty. It made me feel like, God, you know, you you you get really comfortable in a neighborhood and then you just remember, oh yeah, you’re reminded that there’s some kind of sleeper cells out there.
Gavin:
And this I mean, in those sleeper cells, they must have been just a very vocal minority, right? From from on the fringes of your town, or are these people that you actually know?
David:
No, it’s a vocal minority, but I think what makes it feel so fucking shitty is that it’s the it’s the wrapped in positivity. It’s like, no, no, no, I have no problem with the gays. It’s just I’m protecting the children, right? If people were outside out there saying, you know, kill the queers, it would actually make me feel a little safer in a weird way. Because it’s just like, I know those people, I know where they are, I can, you know what I mean? Like, but it’s the people who pretend that this is all in service of a child’s future, which is all a lie, as we know. So, anyway, that was kind of my pride low. My pride high was we have a uh giant flag out, uh pride flag out for the month of pride, and it’s it’s three feet by two feet. It is obscene. No, it’s three feet by five feet. Anyway, um, and uh we put it away, and um, that day, this woman came walking through our neighborhood, like an older woman, and she was like walking for exercise, and we were outside playing with our kids doing chalk on the front sidewalk, and she just waved at us, she goes, Happy pride! And it was just like this reminder of like she has walked by our house before, she knows we’re gay dads, she’s seen the flag, it was not up at the time, but she wanted us to know. It’s like that woman in the parking lot I talked about about tennis. I remember it’s like she wanted us to know that she sees us and that it’s cool, and like that sort of thing is so meaningful to me. So that was my high of pride. Yeah, what about you?
Gavin:
Visibility and representation. Well, so interestingly enough, in my community, this is funny. I thought about whether I wanted to bring this up or not, but it’s definitely bringing it um close to home that we recently have a bit of a scandal going down because of a book that’s in the library.
SPEAKER_03:
Trauma.
Gavin:
And it, I mean, it is a bit of like the moms for liberty is are they coming into my little tiny town in Connecticut, which is very possible because, of course, I mean, we aren’t super, super red, we aren’t super, super blue, we’re we’re pretty middle of the road. I mean, we’re like, you know, it’s Connecticut politics. Uh there’s a lot of um New England Republicans here who are kind of um in the shadows and unfortunately being um over overpowered by the greater DeSantis agenda. And um the book is a is basically a frankly, for lack of a better term, uh, a graphic novel, so it’s illustrated. It’s a graphic novel that is almost like a sex manual for teens and even tweens. And it’s meant to be instructive. It’s meant to be the way I see it is it’s sex positive and it is not misogynistic, violent porn. And even if I no, do I particularly want my eight-year-old to see it? Not really, but at the same time, if he did, he’s just gonna kinda giggle about it or be a little weirded out. But it’s like, hey, sex sex, and you know, uh my he he knows what the mechanics are, and so if he sees the mechanics um ri drawn, I don’t think that that’s actually a traumatizing or bad thing. Uh, it is unfortunately it’s been a low point of pride. This literally happened during pride. And also, by the way, the sex manual shouldn’t have to do anything to do with LGBTQ issues whatsoever. But of course it does because that’s what people are freaked out about. Because it’s not it’s not just cisgendered heteronormative missionary position uh diagrams. It is much more expansive than that. So it’s kind of it’s a bummer that it’s happened now, but I will say that um some people uh wrote a letter to uh the library asking not to ban the book, thank God. Supposedly, it’s uh, but it could be a slippery slope to that, where they just want to put it in the adult section, like the adult, not the pornographic section, but the in the adult stacks. And um, and so 150 people signed that. And then um the other side, which I signed, um wrote, no, listen, this is um this is uh a slippery slope to banning books, this is censorship, and also these are these are important topics that even kids should be exposed to, even if it’s awkward. And 450 people signed that letter. So that side has overpowered it. So that was a highlight. And then um, as I keep talking here, um moving into the highlight for me for Pride was I was went to my local uh hardware store just the other day, and it is in the middle of nowhere. I mean, absolutely off the grid. You can’t even get Wi-Fi service there. It is uh in the middle of nowhere. And you know, it’s everybody’s always been super nice to me. I’m sure they all know I’m a gay dad. I’ve brought the kids in the last decade. Yeah, everybody knows. I I just open my mouth and pearls and purses just come out. So there I am, and I go to the paint section, I’m asking some advice about some paint, and then I noticed that they have a little cup that has uh rainbow on it and said pride. And I’m like, and the cup had uh paint brushes in it or something like that. And I said, Oh, wow, hey, just like thanks for the visibility. And the woman said, Oh, yeah, I had a whole pride display earlier, and I had I used the um the paint chips, you know, and the colors, and I made a whole rainbow wheel, and I said happy pride, and I said, How did people react to that? And she said, Uh I mean, most people just said, Hey, thanks, hey, happy pride, this is great. And I’m like, we are in the middle of nowhere. This is absolutely amazing to me. And she said there were a few people who grumbled, they were admittedly like some staff, but they grumbled and they moved on. And I’m okay with people grumbling and moving on, frankly. I mean, so that was a that was a full high high of uh pride, was um real representation out in the middle of nowhere. Loved it.
David:
So we posted on um our Instagram account for Father’s Day. Uh again, we’re a little uh we’re recording a little ahead, but we posted like happy dilf day or something. I got multiple messages from multiple family members asking me what a dilf was, including my mom.
SPEAKER_03:
My mom goes, What’s a dilf?
David:
And so now I’m having to just like do I just say the words? Do I allude to it? Because you know, even though I’m 43, I still don’t like to say dirty words in front of my mom. She listens to the podcast. I told her this is a very explicit podcast. So um, yeah, she uh she asked, and then um also my sister, um I heard, uh, texted her daughter, my niece, um, like, what is a dilf? Because she wanted to know, but she didn’t want me to know that she didn’t know. Um, so that was kind of fun having to tell my mom what dilf means.
Gavin:
And how did she respond to that?
David:
She she she was like, oh, oh, like, you know, she was a little a little shocked, but yeah, uh, we support dilfts here.
Gavin:
Uh we are definitely dilf friendly here at Gatriarchs, without a doubt. Which also reminds me of I’m on a text thread with some friends, and um, and somehow we have labeled our ourselves we’re we’re climbing a mountain together later in um uh later in the year, and I am the only uh gay uh of the four people on the thread, and we have called ourselves the um the the mountain climbing motherfuckers, and I’m like I and they and they uh we shared each other on Father’s Day, hey Happy Father’s Day mountain climbing motherfuckers, and I’m like, we might want to expand that a little bit. Like, happy father’s day fatherfuckers as well, right? We need some representation in there, totally. Um, and speaking of curse words, let’s move into our top three list this week. Let’s do it.
David:
Yes, uh, tell us about it. So this week, our top three list is top three favorite curse words or phrases. Um, I live to curse, I think you know that. So um, here are my personal favorites. Bring it on. Uh and number three, dickhole. Stop being such a fucking dickhole. Uh number two, dildo. Listen, I’m pro dildos are wonderful, but I like as a as a slur, but you fucking dildo. That’s my number two. Um, and number one, it’s classic, it’s old school, but it just feels so good to say. Asshole. Stop being an asshole. Yeah, that’s number one for me. What about you?
Gavin:
Uh this all reminded me of oh god, I’m gonna both show my age in referencing old movies and the fact that I can’t remember exactly which movie it is. Oh, it’s E.T., where Elliot calls his brother penis breath. For me, number three is penis breath. Penis breath. Bring it at old school. Number two for me is damn it. And that’s because I realized that we needed to start watching what we were saying in front of our kids when my kids started saying, Dem it! And I thought, wow, do I really have that inflection when I say damn it? And then finally, number one for me is well, I I sorry, I have to tell the story about it. When we I will always remember this is my greatest parenting story.
David:
Should I lay down? Shall I get comfortable as a single story?
Gavin:
Just put your I do know how to drag out a story or drag out a top three list. Uh we were decorating for Christmas a couple of years ago, many years ago, and I asked my kids, hey, by the way, you know what Christmas is about, right? Um we aren’t uh super religious people, but I think it’s good to know if you’re gonna celebrate a holiday that um that you know why, you know, the reason for the literally the reason for the season, right? Well, it’s to get presents. Well, yes, it is to get presents, and also um and and also for Santa Claus. Yes, there’s Santa Claus. And I said, and also um in traditionally and historically, um, that’s when Jesus was born. And my kid goes, You mean Jesus fucking Christ? And my partner and I couldn’t look at each other because we didn’t want to start laughing. Yeah. We said we don’t usually use his middle name. So that is definitely my number one go-to when I am when I need to really make the full exclamation point. It’s JFC. Jesus fucking Christ.
David:
Jesus fucking Christ.
Gavin:
That’s a good one. All right, what are we doing next week for a topic? Okay, next week I want to hear about the three most disgusting things you’ve eaten that made you realize, oh wow, I am seriously a dad right now.
David:
So our next guest is the mastermind behind the brilliance that is the Two Ladies, Two Babies TikTok account. And if you haven’t seen it, you are missing out on some borderline perfect parenting content. I personally consider them the lesbian version of me. So please welcome to the show, Caitlin Plaskett. Hi Caitlin. Good morning.
SPEAKER_00:
Good morning. How are you, lovelies?
Gavin:
Just before this, you said that you consider us the two gay aspects of yourself just split in two.
SPEAKER_00:
Like begin and then completely divided. Yeah. You you guys, you guys are basically my dads here. It’s like you’re like, you’re like, you created me.
David:
Ooh, I was hoping for like a younger, better looking brother or like rich.
SPEAKER_00:
You are literally, uh-uh, no, you are literally branded as gay dad podcasts. So, like, what are you doing? Okay, thank you.
Gavin:
You’re right. And then you’re right. Right. She’s she’s leaning into exactly the way we market ourselves, and then look at us being all frail and insecure about our age issues. So, yes, you’re right, Caitlin. You’re exactly right. We’ll be dads. We’ll be your daddies. We will absolutely be your daddies.
SPEAKER_00:
I’ll take it.
David:
So, for those of you out there who are listening who have not uh experienced the two ladies, two babies, I I think I came across you like probably most people, which is just like randomly in my FYP. And it was like, let’s see, David is for sure gay. This is the algorithm talking. David is gay, he loves eating carbs, he’s funny, he loves lesbians, he’s a parent, he’s like, like, like it was just like all the things stacked up. And I started watching you guys, and then I and I don’t follow anyone because that’s like you know, it’s a very high level of respect to follow somebody. And then you just kept coming up in my fees. I was like, these people are so funny. And so I started following you, and then I reached out. I was like, you know what, you you you gotta just you gotta reach out for things in your life. And I’m so glad you said yes, because your stuff is so funny, and um, you guys are from the south, like you’re checking all the boxes here. So um I that was just that there was no question there. I was just like easily fangirling you.
SPEAKER_00:
I really appreciate it because honestly, like it’s very humble beginnings. That this is just you know something we do on the side for fun. And so for people to actually enjoy it, I mean, this is stuff we’ve been doing since before it was popular, like posted on social media. So all of the harassment that you see of my wife, all of the like, you know, just fuckery that’s happening, like that’s been happening for years. It’s finally our people are seeing it.
Gavin:
I was gonna say, are you funny in real life or are you just funny on TikTok?
SPEAKER_00:
No, this is like literally just regular us. So like none of it’s scripted, it’s just us hanging out and like me just doing, you know, mean things to my wife and messing with her. And like our kids are starting to get in on it. And like my youngest is um 10 months, and my other one is three, and he’s starting to like talk trash to us and like prank us and stuff. And I’m like, yes, it’s so fun.
David:
But I think that’s that’s what’s special about your account is we’ve talked before on the show where like some of the very, very curated, beautiful, filtered stuff is just not necessarily me, and it’s it’s not the inspiration for our show. But when I came across yours, yours is like not trying to be, it feels very earnest, which I think is why it’s so funny. It’s funny, first of all, because you’re hilarious pranking your wife because that is me and my poor husband. My poor husband at night, when he goes up to brush his teeth and closes that bathroom door, he opens it every night just like squeeze, because he knows I’m hiding somewhere in the dark, ready to prank him. And it’s just it makes his life miserable, and that gives me fuel. Yes, is the misery in his face. And it looks like the same for your wife.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, exactly. She’s like always on edge, and she’ll walk up the stairs and like cover her butt because she knows I’m gonna get her. And I’ll be like, why is your ass so tight right now? And she’s like, You know why?
David:
Because I’m afraid of this oil check that happens every time. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Hey, I’m just trying to do my due diligence and make sure she’s safe, you know.
David:
It’s a safety issue, really. Yeah. Um, so wait, you were talking about you just did it for fun. What how how did the how did it actually start? Was it just literally one day you were like, I don’t know, I’ll make a video.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, so we um we were actually leaving the house with our baby, who, our three-year-old, when he was little, and had him and the stroller were about to be like the lesbians who go out and I guess pass out the the gay agenda around the neighborhood or something. So we’re gonna like peruse the neighborhood with our baby. And uh we’re exiting the door, we’ve got a ring camera, and we’re like, oh shit, we forgot something. My wife kind of her shtick is she always forgets stuff, and so we’re like running back in the house, and then the stroller just kind of rolls down the driveway, and I catch him save his life, but it was so funny. And I sent it to a couple people at work, they’re like, Oh my god, you gotta put it on TikTok. And a friend of ours was like trying to get me to get into TikTok, and I was like, I’ll just post it and see what happens. And then I decided, like, I really wanted to just post stuff that was fun, cute stuff for us because it’s cool to look back on, and then it just continued to get views and more followers and more engagement. I was like, all right, this is cool, I’ll keep doing it. And so I just made it more intentional, and uh it’s been three years now, and I haven’t looked back since.
David:
Amazing. I love that like your son’s near-death experience wasn’t like the split. Sorry, but thank you.
Gavin:
Yeah, and luckily you sent it to exactly the right people who wouldn’t judge you for it, but said, Oh my god, you need to share this with the world because it’s so relatable.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, and I had to gaslight him. I was like, Remy tried to run away, is how I explained it to people. So like obviously it’s not my fault. I love it.
David:
Just gaslighting your own children.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh yeah.
David:
But that’s to me, I think that’s what that’s why I fell in love with you, is that I was like, this, this is this is the parent, I this is the parent friend I’ve wanted. And that’s it, honestly, this is why the podcast started. I was like, why are people taking parenting so seriously or talking about it like it’s a fucking Louis Vuitton bag? Or that it’s like sometimes you let your kid roll into the swamp and get eaten by alligators, it’s no big deal, and it could be funny.
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, and no one wants to hear the details of like how much your child slept, how much they ate, how much they couldn’t be able to do it.
Gavin:
How much that you’re or and or how you’re overachieving as a parent and just nailing parenting every single day. Nobody wants to know it. You’re right.
SPEAKER_00:
No, that’s terrible, it’s so boring.
Gavin:
So, what happens? Are you worried at all that TikTok could get banned in the US?
SPEAKER_00:
Low key, slightly a little bit. So I um I have Instagram, which I had never really used for like this, it was more just like friends and family. And so I opened up our Instagram, and then um, it’s the same title. It’s it’s two ladies and two babies with periods in between. And then I also opened up a backup YouTube account just because I’m like, I don’t know if this could go away, but it’s become like a really cool way to connect with people and to be quite honestly a side hustle. So I I don’t want it to go away, but um, I really kind of put the focus on the TikTok. I’m really hoping it doesn’t go away, but you know, America. So who knows?
David:
I mean, and and and that’s that that is why this like social media world is like it’s a little wild westy where it’s there’s almost gold rushy, where it’s like, you know, these careers, these people who are making 500k a year one minute in one minute and could just turn around by a company’s decision to limit a certain amount of content or to shadow ban you or all the things that happen. So it it I think you being in a right place is like, yes, it’s nice to have some extra money for all your fine jewels, you know, to keep up that habit. But also if it goes away, it was just a fun thing to begin with. But it’s hard when money starts coming into it because you’re like, I gotta, you know, I gotta feed my habit of, I don’t know, what is your vice? What is your what is your parenting vice?
SPEAKER_00:
So I have become quickly addicted to white claws, and honestly, that you’re such a redneck.
David:
I love it. I know. I love it.
SPEAKER_00:
But around here is what all the girlies drink. So, like, I really was worse before I was a um a high life drinker. And I love I love high life such a late drink.
David:
But you know what? You’re a lesbian, that’s a lot. That’s not it’s like if Damon and I drank that, not okay. No way, and if you drink it, it’s totally okay.
SPEAKER_00:
It would be way too much for y’all.
Gavin:
As is White Claw, frankly, for that matter. Froze is more our speed. Now, have you okay? So you opened up with that video, which was amazing of your son basically trying to run away from you. Have you ever posted something that you thought this is gonna kill? And it made you laugh so hard, and then no, just crickets in response.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, we’ve had like a coup like a couple, like there was one where my wife and I were fighting over like the phone charger, and honestly, I was using it, it’s my phone charger. And then she comes in and she’s like, Well, how charged do you? I’m like, No, that’s that’s not relevant. Like, you have your own charger, leave the room and go and get it. Yeah. And so, like, I was like, people will relate to that because it’s just like normal, like, you know, spousal fights or like partner fights. And that was like, it didn’t do bad, but it was like, meh. But then like the kids will do something that I’m like, I mean, it’s cute, but it’s not the greatest thing, and it’ll blow up. I’m like, what the hell?
Gavin:
So it’s like audiences love kids and drunks. That’s rules of musical theater. Kids and drunks.
David:
Yes. But it’s so funny. Like, I I I have to say, I have a TikTok account where I I I have this one video that like has like two million views, and it was just this random, I was like, oh, my daycare photos that they send me are kind of terrible. I’ll make fun of them. And then I’ll curate these like genius ideas in my head. I’m like, this is going to change the world. And it was like 200 views. Yeah. I’m like, oh what I it’s really weird.
SPEAKER_00:
And supposedly the algorithm works, like there’s a million different factors in it, but like supposedly like certain milestones, so like post number 38, regardless of what you post, they’re gonna push it. So that there’s like weird things like that too, but you don’t know what they are. So I’ve had ones that like one of my baby when he was sleeping and it was like you know, three months versus six months, and it was like one of those boop and it goes to it the next thing. Great. I’m like, why? That was so boring, not interesting, but like you say, you do something really great.
Gavin:
That’s adjacent to you parent bragging right there that we say nobody wants to look at. Come on, audiences, you should think higher than this.
SPEAKER_00:
Do better. Go for the drunk lesbians.
David:
What do you guys do in real life? What what is your real world? Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
So my wife is a detective for um a city around here, like a larger city, and then I am a social worker for um like a social services.
David:
So I do people recognize you in the real world?
SPEAKER_00:
Yes, it’s very crazy. So it’s only it’s not like a ton, but we were like at a Greek festival with a city the other day, and a girl came up and was like, Oh my god, I love you guys. And I always carry stickers, so I get stickers out. But like we were at a pumpkin patch. Um, my wife gets recognized at work a lot. So she because she’s in the city.
Gavin:
Does she have to be careful about that?
SPEAKER_00:
I mean, honestly, with the work, yeah, a little bit. She’s not as out in the community, like I mean, like physically out, like she’s very gay. That’s very obvious. But she’s not yeah, she’s been gay since she was like eight, like blatantly gay. But um, she’s like more like in the office and stuff now because of the detective size. So she’s like not on the street walking around as much unless she’s investigating. So um she’s not as you know, public figured as as she used to be, but oh my god, when she was, she’d be like on the elevator and they’re like, Are you? And she’s like, Yeah. So it was just funny.
Gavin:
I mean, that could be another twist, certainly, to NCIS or Law and Order, where like the detective’s going up to interview a murder victim or murder um suspect, and they’re like, wait a minute, aren’t you? But aren’t you also a supervisor?
David:
Didn’t you steal your wife’s charger the other day and it didn’t do very well that video? I remember that one.
SPEAKER_00:
That was also a crime, charger.
David:
Um so you have two boys. Tell us about how you these boys came into your life, because we all as par gay parents have interesting parenting stories of how it happened. Because it didn’t happen because of white claw.
SPEAKER_00:
No, and it didn’t. And we tried and tried for years the natural way, and it just didn’t take. So we decided to go the medical route. Um, so we did an anonymous donor who we got through a sperm bank because we didn’t want to know the person or have them part of our lives. It felt too messy. Um, and so, and honestly, like emotions-wise, I didn’t know how I’d feel about that. So we did a um a donor, and then my wife went first because she’s older. And so she did IUI and we got Remy, and then we had one vial left, and I did IVF, and we tell us what IUI means.
David:
Tell us what that means, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, in basic terms, it’s basically like a turkey baster method. So it’s entry uterine insemination. Um, they draw up the good old baby juice and shoot it in, and good luck.
David:
Um, it’s not like they’re not extracting eggs, they’re not doing anything in the lab. It’s just little not invasive. It’s a little white claw adjacent, though. I mean, that is pretty stupid.
SPEAKER_00:
People do it at home. We did it at an officer’s office.
David:
So I remember seeing a uh like a weird like night late 80s, early 90s documentary about this gay couple who wanted to have a baby and they had their surrogate and they did this like ceremony in their apartment, and they literally like the two guys went into the bathroom and like created the juice, and then like she went into the like it was like a whole thing. I remember even at the time being like, this feels uncomfortable. Like, I don’t know about this. But wait, tell us about choosing your sperm donor because I I think choosing our egg donor was one of the most weird, uncomfortable things I’ve ever done. What tell us about how it was? Oh, really?
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, I loved it. It was so my wife is like kind of more like low-key and chill, and she just lets me like do most things and then I check in with her and see like what her opinion is. So I’m on there, I’m like going through profiles. It’s basically like online dating, but you don’t have to sleep with them, you just have to raise their children. So I was like, So you get to like look at their stats and like it has everything down to um do they like cats or dogs? Do they play an instrument, like what their sign is, which I don’t really care about that. But I was just like, are you stupid? Do you have any diseases that I need to be worried about or any like genetic things I need to be worried about? And you know, we wanted to find someone who looked like either one of us. That way our kids may resemble us in some way.
David:
And the vote for in 2016, like that should be on there, right? It should be, right? Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Ugh, Coke or Pepsi, you know, white cloth, whatever. But they had they had a guy on there who looks exactly like my wife as a little kid. So it’s like just a little kid photo, and we were like, oh my god, that’s that’s the guy, that’s him. And uh yeah, it’s pretty wild. I mean, you really and they had discount babies on there, so they had guys in there. There’s coupons? Oh my god.
David:
You found a coupon?
SPEAKER_00:
It you know, I love a coupon.
David:
I love a coupon. You you and I, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
So that’s our thing. But no, they literally had profiles on there that they were like discounted because quite honestly, they were really ugly babies.
David:
Oh my god. It’s like, man, you know what is going on there. That was my that was my grinder name in college, discount sperm.
Gavin:
Definitely not a drag name. That is uh kind of astounding and incredibly superficial, just because of based upon their baby pictures, or they were ugly adults as well.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, some of them have adult photos, some of them don’t, but I’m talking, there is no way that this turned into attractive adult. Like there is that was not happening.
David:
You’re like like like break this baby down to the river kind of thing. Like this baby is like real, real ugly. Wait, I have a question, and and and you don’t have to answer this, but you have to answer this. Um, how much is like a round of sperm or a vial or whatever, or flight or whatever, whatever you call it?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, so actually that would be really expensive. That’s a lot of it. Yeah, that is yeah, that’s more like what you get. It’s actually it varies like based on the different criteria.
David:
And so um in my brain, it’s like$300.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, it’s more than that. So, like discount the ugly people. Theirs was like$800. Oh, yeah. Okay. It’s like I would say about average like$1,200 to$1,500 for one vial.
Gavin:
As we’re building out our website, I think that there could be some uh we might be able to get it in on this action too. Yeah, guys, discount sperm.com.
David:
Okay. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
There you go.
David:
That’s so yeah, because eggs are obviously way more expensive, but the the the process of of of retrieving eggs is like wildly more complicated. There’s much more pain for the women.
SPEAKER_00:
Um more risk too.
David:
Yeah, funny enough, the sperm factor is not difficult to come about. No, it’s actually it’s actually pretty cool. Um, but the but I remember when we were doing our uh looking through our you know hinge profiles of egg donors, um, the the women who had what are they called proven donors where they had donated before and it resulted in a live pregnancy were like$4,000 more than the women who it was their first time where they’re unproven. And I all the research I did that we’re like, yeah, there’s nothing it’s like it’s more about their age and their health profile. Like you want somebody in their early 20s, and you want to blah blah blah. But our we had the same kind of profile, and our girl, who was totally anonymous, we had adult pictures and a full medical history, but like we didn’t have any contact or names. But she had on like her hobbies, she said likes country music. And I was like, oh god, please don’t be a Trumper. You know what I mean? Like that was I was so afraid. All of our other things were very sweet, but that one little country, and I like country music, but I was like, something about it just made me nervous.
Gavin:
Those assumptions we make about it, that’s for sure. It’s a lot of baggage that’s like.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh yeah. I mean, but that’s like our our trauma and our experiences being translated into a song, like or like you know.
Gavin:
100% yeah, yeah, aside from Lin Laz, for sure. I mean, along those lines, then what is it like? How is um how comfortable do you all feel in where you are and what’s it like? Are you the the poster children for lesbian parenting in your area and in the south? Or is or are we making assumptions as northerners that um are unfounded and we need to put to bed? Yankees.
SPEAKER_00:
Well, we’re from Virginia, so like Virginia, I would say, is like kind of middle. So like there’s parts of Virginia that are like very, very cool, very progressive, and then there’s parts of Virginia that are very yee-haw. And so it’s like you kind of just have to know where you’re at. But I mean, honestly, there’s this type of family has existed forever. It’s just, you know, people have those misconceptions or their perceptions about what it’s gonna look like, but there’s a whole bunch of Bush women raising kids, and you know, a lot of single parents raising kids. For us, it’s just like we want to be as typical as possible because we are typical. You know what I mean? Like we’re just raising.
Gavin:
We’re all just just as boring as everybody else’s.
David:
Exactly. You know, I was I was reared in Virginia. I was I was also born there, but I was reared there. Yeah.
Gavin:
But but in the good insert so many jokes there. But I mean, but David, you have been reared in so many states. So many bathrooms. So why are you leaving it in Virginia?
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, you do like all those scratch-off maps.
David:
I I cannot wait for our online store to open up because we already have discount sperm and where David was reared maps. You know, get you a quarter and just scratch her off. Um, wait, so you so your wife did IUI, which you just told us was basically turkey method. How did you have your second son?
SPEAKER_00:
So I did IVF. So we only had one vial of the sperm left, and so they basically told us, and we really wanted them to have a bio connection if they could. Um, and they told us basically, you know, your chances are like 16% if you go that route. And it’s like 60, 70% if you go IVF. And so um a lot more expensive, but we did do IVF. And what’s crazy is like, you know, you have the one shot basically if you do it with IUI, but with the IVF, they broke that thing down into three different vials, and then from my one cycle, I got six embryos. So really, we could have made like a crap load more kids, but I think we’re done. Two is good.
Gavin:
Yeah, it’s a sweet spot, yeah. And yeah, you don’t need to be those people with a whole bunch of babies in tow. Just like two, two gossling, two, two mama geese and their goslings after them. That’s a little much.
SPEAKER_00:
And then I have to change my my TikTok handle, that’s too much.
David:
Literally, yeah, you’re choosing your family structure based on your TikTok handle.
SPEAKER_00:
Obviously, marketing and branding is very important.
David:
And IVF is for those of you who are just like, I use IVF, IVF is worse too. They created that embryo in the lab and then they transferred it to you, and then you basically gave birth to that baby. That’s awesome.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, so cool.
David:
So they’re biologically connected via the sperm donor, um, and they have two different biological moms, or like the the field, which is you and your wife. That’s so cool.
SPEAKER_00:
And what’s wild is there’s a donor sibling registry. So we signed up for that. Um, and I would encourage people to do that because I really think it’s important that we don’t shield our kids from you know potential bioconnections. That’s important to them. Like it’s not my place to decide that. So we actually um we found our first match, and so we have our sip, our boys have sisters that live in Canada, and they’re very close in age to our boys. And so I’ve been connecting with the family, and this is what’s really amazing. It’s a lesbian couple, she’s a social worker too, and they’re close to the city. Lesbians in Canada? I know! There’s a couple lesbians in Canada, they’ve all dated each other, actually speaking of lesbian jokes.
Gavin:
I just cannot help um one comment go by that you said, which is what um speaking picking your spoon sperm donor was like online dating, except you don’t have to sleep with them, you just have to raise their kids. I thought that, I mean might that be the most lesbianic joke I’ve ever heard.
SPEAKER_00:
Oh, and it’s great. It’s great, but you gotta think about it too. I’m like, man, we spent like probably close to 50k to make these kids. I could have just gone down to the bar, you know? For sure. Probably got my drinks.
Gavin:
Two white claws. Yeah, for sure. You definitely could have had those drinks paid for and um and might have had fun in the process. Who knows? Let’s be open-minded.
David:
Wait, speaking, wait, speaking of bisexuality, I you I was I was like totally fangirling you this morning, and I was found that video of your son saying, like, you’re bi to your wife, and your wife going, No, no, no, no, I’m a lesbian. It’s like you’re bi. It’s like, no, I’m a lesbian. Which is so funny how like you watch that video and it’s like hilarious and funny, and everyone’s laughing or whatever. And then that is what literally people are so afraid of. It’s like, I don’t want to, you can’t put LGBTQ on on the elementary school sign because the the problem is that I have to tell them what those words mean, and then I have to explain. I was like, yeah, so you say I’m a lesbian. I love women. I don’t I’m bisexual means I love men and women. Like, you it’s so hard for people, but but watching that video, you’re like, this is this is this is what you’re afraid of. And you guys are la and they’re laughing and you guys are like tickling each other. It is adorable video. But like she’s like, it’s it’s just funny. And my other personal favorite video of yours, now I haven’t gone all the way down into the archives. I watched people model like it’s a lot, it’s a lot. But one of my favorites is when you guys are arguing about whether your cats are gay or your cat is gay or not, Miller. And how like Yeah, and that, and how like you say, come out, come out, Miller was like, Miller is not gay. He was like, Miller’s gay. Hilarious. Because we all know all cats are a little bit gay, but like I didn’t know if he was like fully gay.
SPEAKER_00:
No, he’s fully gay. Um, for a while he was on the fence, you know, just kind of like queer and questioning, but no, we’re out. He’s totally out.
Gavin:
Wow. It’s like it’s fantastic that you were able to provide that uh warm environment for nothing.
SPEAKER_00:
He was kind of drug out of the closet by our baby, so you know, he really is the one who out with him, you know, classic.
Gavin:
Wow. Now, occasionally does your wife, I mean, she often is the butt of the jokes, frankly, and you you she is the target of an awful lot of your um terrorism there. Does she ever come to you with ideas on TikTok and you’re like, uh no, honestly? I know.
SPEAKER_00:
I call myself an agent of chaos, but no, she doesn’t really no, because it’s like usually not scripted at all. So it’s like very just like what’s happening in front of us, and I’ll be like, oh my god, and I’ll just like grab my phone. But you know, every once in a while she’ll be like, Did you see him? Did you see what he’s saying? And like then I’ll grab my phone and like catch what our kid is doing. But no, she doesn’t really like want to do anything, like really anything to do with it other than just exist in the world. So, like, that’s why I’m not in a lot of the content, is because it’s really just coming from me inside.
David:
Going going back to what is to me, one of the most attractive parts about your account is that it’s so authentic. Like, there’s the the inauthenticity that you find in a lot of these accounts. Listen, that they’re they’re hustling too, right? But when it’s so curated and crafted, it just doesn’t feel real to me because I’m so attracted to like real parents who are just in the thick of it, covered in oatmeal, just like regretting everything that uh wishing they had that 50k back and could buy a really nice car. Like those are the parents, you know what I mean? But wait, so I have I have a weird question, but we’ve talked about this before. Did you have any sort of nerves going into when you found out you were having a boy the first time that you’re like, I don’t know how penises were like, did you get a little weirded out by that, or are you totally like no big deal?
SPEAKER_00:
I only wanted boys. So she wanted one boy, one girl. So I only wanted boys. Okay, and don’t take this the wrong way, but boys are dumber and sweeter. Girls are mean and hostile and scary. I’m like, I don’t want anything to do with that. But our boys are so sweet, and I I just, you know, I honestly, like, I’m a lesbian. I he’s learning how to fix the toilet with me last night. Like, those are the types of things that I’m good at. I’m not gonna be able to teach him how to do like ballerina stuff. Although I think he’s gonna teach me because his favorite color is pink and his nails are painted, and he insists that they’re painted. So, you know, you made your kid gay.
David:
Good work. Great.
Gavin:
This is a John Biden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got your gay agenda, but just not in the direction you were expecting it to be. Exactly.
SPEAKER_00:
But no, it’s it’s really crazy though, because like people are like, Oh, do you want to try again for a girl? I’m like, absolutely not. Hell no, that sounds terrifying and expensive. So, no, we’re we’re good with boys. I will say what’s happening right now is we’re potty training, and Remy’s great, like he’s pretty much mastered it, but we have not got mastered standing up to pee. So that has been an adventure. So I’m having to hold his penis to pee because he won’t do it. Yeah, shockingly, I haven’t held a lot of penises, so it’s been a real adventure learning how to drive that car.
David:
I can tell you, as somebody who’s held many penises, um uh that like, yeah, having to hold your toddler’s penis is probably one of the worst, most awkward experience. It’s awful. But so here’s a here’s a trick that I learned with my son because it was the same way where like he what he sat down to learn how to pee, and then we’re trying to transition standing up. And of course, he just wants to piss all over the ceiling. He wants to he wants to piss anywhere but the toilet. The only thing that’s worked for me so far is like tell him, so you know, like the bottom of the toilet when it goes into the the valve, to saying like pee into that hole, like aim for that hole. Somehow that like we tried Cheerios in the toilet, we tried all the things. Somehow aiming for that hole made a difference, and now he mostly tries to aim for the toilet, um, and mostly gets there. But yeah, most of our bathrooms are covered in piss.
Gavin:
And also, I can say that with uh having older kids and and in fact an older boy, uh, those peeing problems never stop. I mean, ultimately, I have to say to them, hey, you know what, especially first thing in the morning when you’ve just uh you’re stumbling to the bathroom, just sit down. And frankly, all men, we should all just probably sit down and pee a little more often, frankly.
David:
But also, has has he been uh started to pee outside yet? Because my son is well, he’s almost four. He will pee, I will turn around, he will be just pissing in our front yard. Like, talk about rednecks, like you could take the boy out of the south, but like doesn’t matter that I’m in in New York City, yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, he pees outside constantly. Constantly. And yesterday, he usually does pretty good, but he and usually he wants you to come out there and help him. He was like, no, I can pull up my own pants. I don’t need help. And I was like, all right. So he goes out there, and then I hear, uh, he has pissed all in his shirt. His whole shirt is covered in pee, and then all down his leg and all over his shoe and sock. I was like, So next time you think you need help, I think so. It’s like, oh god.
Gavin:
So then he’s like, just giving him you’re giving him his own social media content for down the line because he’ll be traumatized that forever. But then you learn too. I’ll never forget when I was in preschool one time, I was wearing overalls. I hated wearing overalls, and I couldn’t undo them because it was the 1930s. So they were like, you know, that they were rusted buckles from Oshkosh Pagash, and I couldn’t undo the buckles, and I pissed all over myself, which then traumatized. I never wore I never wore overalls again until I was in college, and they were cute. Did you have just the one hooked though, and the other one off? Just to me say with one nipple hanging out? Yeah, just no nipple. I was never Lil’ Abner. Anyway.
David:
So speaking of Caitlin, my one of our favorite things on this podcast is like parenting horror stories and just in general, like moments where you fully failed or your kids fully failed. Do you have any like jumps? I mean, listen, your your TikTok account is literally full of them, which I’m obsessed with. But is there any like particular ones that come to mind when I ask that?
SPEAKER_00:
Um, nothing that’s like super crazy. I think anything that we have is like very relatable stuff, but like right now we’re kind of experiencing my wife has like a way worse potty mouth than I do, and like being a cop, like that’s very, you know, what you expect. But now he’s on like he’s mimicking some of that. So like we’ll be in the car and he’ll be like, damn, car, and like cussing at cars, or like you you hear him like, god damn it, like drop something. I’m like, oh my god. So like we’re getting a little bit of that, so we’re working on. That. Um, and he’s about to go to like a regular preschool with like other kids. So I’m like, please don’t go there and have all these kids cussing out their parents when they go home. We don’t want to be those lesbians who have like raised this like Neanderthal child. So that’s kind of what we’re working with. Yeah, right.
David:
Our unfortunate gay agenda has been so my because we are two gay men, like we’re listening like on the way to school, it’s like six minutes exactly, door to door. So it’s like just enough for like one or two like songs to play in the car. So obviously, I’m you know I’m installing the the catalog of musical theater into him. So he’ll literally be listening to like Legally Blonde the musical on the way to school. And then he tells the the daycare teachers, can you play Legally Blonde? So they’ll do it on like whatever Alexa device they have. And then all of a sudden, all of these kids are coming out of the building singing Legally Blonde, and the parents are coming to be like, Do you know why all these kids are singing all these Broadway shows? I’m like, I I don’t know. I literally agenda. I mean, it is it is 100% the gay agenda, and now like parents know that whenever like their kids come home, like for some reason we’re on a um the nightmare before Christmas kick right now. So we’re listening to like this is Halloween and what’s this and all the songs from that show. Now the kids are coming out of the daycare screaming, this is Halloween, this is Halloween, and all the parents just give me like side-eye. Like, listen, this is this is the game.
SPEAKER_00:
It could be worse, it could be worse.
Gavin:
Your little kid, the g the gay preschool DJ, just actually influencing and bringing people their lives. It’s all right.
SPEAKER_00:
Amazing. Remy’s obsessed with Lizzo, so like everything is Lizzo. That’s his favorite.
David:
I want to see him like play like a banging flute solo. Like, you need to find a few. I wish. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00:
Yeah, I wish. I don’t know if he’s gonna be good at an instrument. We’ll say, but we’ve been trying.
David:
What is the future, I guess, like for you guys? And so that you’re not gonna give you not giving up your day jobs, I assume, even though you’re pretty successful social media people. What is like what’s the future look like?
SPEAKER_00:
Honestly, we’re just kind of taking it day by day. I mean, like, our overall plan is just keep doing what we’re doing. Um, we’re just kind of expanding, you know, meeting more people, doing some stuff like that. Um, I I think we’ll continue to make content as long as it’s fun for us and fun for our family. I think our kids will probably grow out of it. They’re probably not gonna want to be doing it forever. So it’ll just kind of go to more our side of things, you know, which is where things really kind of hyped up anyway. So that’s that’s what we’re thinking, and definitely not quitting our day jobs. I I think it’s not necessarily wise to just rely on this as a source of income because one, it’s not a huge source of income, and two, it’s very unpredictable. So you might have a month where you do great, and then the next month you don’t make a single you make a hundred bucks. So it’s like, you know, just gotta be smart about it and practically.
David:
And to all of you out there who are aspiring um uh social media influencers, someday you could have your own podcast episode on mattress firms podcast.
SPEAKER_03:
Yes, if you’re like that’s the bar of the case.
David:
Lesbians need mattresses too. I’m obsessed with you. I want everyone listening to this podcast who does not follow you on any of the things to follow two ladies, two babies. It’s the number two, ladies, two babies, and just enjoy because you are brilliant. I’m obsessed with you, you’re so funny. Thank you for coming by. Thank you uh demeaning yourself by being on our stupid little podcast.
SPEAKER_00:
No way. This was great. I really appreciate it. And I’m gonna be telling all of my people to check you guys out because you’re just you’re fun, you’re good people.
Gavin:
Fantastic. Caitlin, thanks so much.
SPEAKER_00:
Thank you.
Gavin:
So, keeping in with our lesbianic theme of today’s uh uh episode. Can we say lesbianic? We can say lesbianic, right? I think we’re allowed to say whatever we want. It’s America. Uh right, and I mean Jack McFarlane, isn’t that isn’t it Jack McFarland? Isn’t that Jack’s from Will and Grace? What’s Jack’s last name?
David:
Oh yeah, Jack McFarlane.
Gavin:
Jack McFarlane, right. Jack McFarlane said lesbianic to uh Rosie O’Donnell back in the day, and I just feel like uh So Sean say Sean Hayes can say it?
David:
We can say it. We oh great.
Gavin:
So keeping with our lesbianic theme, the other night something great was we were watching uh my my son is away and my uh daughter is obsessed with Scream suddenly. And I’m like, we shouldn’t watch Scream uh scary movies. And then I’m like, well, you’re 11. I mean it does seem like our is it too early for her? And then I think I was starting to watch. I mean, you you go through your horror fascination, right? So something great is we’re watching Scream, I don’t know what number it was, 567, and two girls are making out at one point in it, and it was such a complete non-issue. And there my daughter’s like, yeah, whatever. The chicks are making out, and nobody made a side eye. And of course, I sat there thinking, oh, we’re watching girls make out right now, but that’s awesome. And it was something great where um it was just a non-issue, and good for them, good for Scream.
David:
Oh, that’s so nice. Yeah, this is totally a lesbian-focused episode. Thank you, Caitlin, for kind of making us uh turning us into the lesbians we all were destined to be. Um, so my something great this week is something my husband came up with, which is so fucking genius. So we take pictures of our kids nonstop as parents, and a lot of really cute pictures come when they’re taking a bath. But there’s just this fucking weird thing about naked kids on the internet and everything. So it’s totally um, totally understandable. But uh, he came up with this brilliant idea where he has this like little fake duck, like sticker, that he just in a picture will just put over the kid’s genitalia. So we call it vagina duck because we’ll put it like when we’ll picture of my daughter just taking a bath, we put the little vagina duck over her her little bits and it makes it uh a postable photo. Um, buy something great this week is vagina duck. Vagina duck. Love it. And that is our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
Gavin:
Uh or you can DM us on Instagram. You know what? I’m cracking up right now because my daughter walked by just as I said, vagina duck, and she waved to me and went, What? We are on Instagram at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at David FMVaughn everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge, anywhere that there’s a vagina duck.
David:
Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcasts and sign up for our newsletter.
Gavin:
Thanks, and we’ll walk the walk with you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs.