Full Transcript
We’ll get a Spotify list out of this. A sponsify a Spotify sponsorship, in fact. A Sponsify. That’s, I think, what my brain was trying to put together. What is my problem? There’s a long list and it’s undiagnosed. It’s so many. I mean, I’m a communicator. I know how to speak. I can give fucking speeches. And this is Gatriarchs.
SPEAKER_03:
Shut up. Got you, bitch. Got you.
David:
So Gaben, this weekend I was in Florida. My mom is moving, so I went down with my son, and we basically helping her pack and go through old boxes forever. And one of the things I was going through was like all of my old stuff that my mom’s kept, you know, baby shoes and all the things that parents keep, right?
Gavin:
That’s quite a journey to do something like that.
David:
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And one of the things I came across was one of those like baby books that you like fill out the questions. It’ll be like, my first thought was blah, blah, blah, blah. And like most baby books, it was like halfway filled out because they had to raise a fucking screaming child. And um I was just for context for the situation. I am I was born in 1979, October 23rd, which um uh was two days ago. So happy birthday to me. Happy belated birthday. Yep, 1979. And um, so I opened this baby book and it was like, you know, it’s got all the things. It’s like, you know, here’s how much he weighed when he was born, and blah, blah, blah. And I’m looking at it and I look at the date, and it says, born October 23rd, 1980. Oh and I just stopped. I froze and I went, Mom? She’s like, what? I was like, when was I born? She goes, 1979. I said, why does this say 1980? And she’s like, Oh, your dad must have written it wrong. Well, then I find a card. You know, the card that they would slip in the box that the baby sleep in that says, like, welcome, it’s a boy, you know, David One. Yes. October 23rd, 1980. I said, Mom, am I not the right age that I think I’m lying about my age? Also, am I a year younger? Oh my god. Why do I look like shit?
SPEAKER_03:
Why do I look older three when I’m 42?
David:
She swears, now, all my IDs, my birth certificate, everything else in my life says 1979. Including the birth certificate. You actually verified that. Correct. Everything else says 19, or the these two things say 1980. So I just had this like thing, I was like, am I not? It’s like somebody telling you, oh yeah, you were this isn’t your dad. Your real dad is blah blah blah. So it totally shook me. Yeah, it totally shook me to the core, which is I quite.
Gavin:
Wait a minute, but you you haven’t really resolved this question though.
David:
My mom swears, she’s like, your dad must have written it wrong. Maybe the nurse wrote it wrong too, but like your birth certificate, I swear it was 1979. And you know, so who knows, Gavin? I just may be devastatingly young for this haggard looking face.
Gavin:
But I was, uh yeah, I mean, insert all the jokes there. You know, I have a friend whose parents, I guess, against her will, sort of redshirted her from the time she was born because she was born like after our school cutoff, right? So for her entire life until she graduated from high school, she didn’t know what her real birthday was. Her parents lied to her for 18 years. That’s so about being born, I don’t know, September 17th instead of uh November 3rd. Something I mean, it was an arbitrary just few weeks. It wasn’t years off, it was just weeks off. So that I they were like, we got to get this girl out of the house and into school as soon as possible. So they just lied about her age for her entire life.
David:
Um, this I just got a text from my mom while you were talking that couldn’t be more applicable to this conversation. She just texted me. Guess what else I found? Your little teeth that the tooth fairy left here. And she sent me a picture of a plastic Ziploc bag with children’s teeth in it. Oh my god, can we stop doing this? That is so like my mom also like there’s also like clips of my hair in it. I was like, why are we maintaining biological material from our children? There’s teeth in bags. I I can’t.
Gavin:
Are you ready? Gave it for another story. Oh no. So when I was cleaning out my childhood home, my mom kept everything. I mean, rubber-banded um stacks of cards from when she was pregnant, when she found out she was pregnant, and all of her friends in the 1930s would send her cards that congratulations. I mean, it was all the formalities of back in the day, Anne Landers saying that you need to send a card for this, that, and the other. She kept all of it. When she was pregnant, when she had me, my six months, my first birthday, all of it rubber banded together, et cetera, et cetera. She was very organized in like big chests of stuff. So I’m going through stuff and I find my my first uh spit-up rag and my first uh I don’t know, diaper pin, and my first this, that, and the other. And I’m going through and it’s like this is baby’s first vodka soda. And it was empty. And I get a plastic bag. Um, it was just uh it was pre-Ziplock, because yes, the 1620s, just a little uh bag, and I’m like, what is this little piece of big brown plastic in here? Like something hard and whatever. And I and I flip it over, and I see in my mom’s handwriting, it says Gavin’s foreskin.
SPEAKER_03:
No, oh my god, oh my god, no, no, I was so hoping you would say like fucking like umbilical cord. By the way, it was huge. Oh, oh Gaven, no. Why it was why do our parents keep parts of our bodies? Why? Your foreskin?
David:
Yeah, did it just look like this like little like calamari that couldn’t?
SPEAKER_03:
Yes.
David:
Yes, oh it was it was a huge calamari that couldn’t. Okay, Gayvin, we get it. You have a huge deck. Um that okay, so let’s just say from now on, I know we have our top three list, which is top three baby products that are garbage, but can we just say, like, for now, let’s not keep the biological remnants of our children in little plastic bags because when your adult children find them, they will be horrified.
Gavin:
But then they’ll be able to start a podcast about it and make millions of dollars. That’s true.
David:
Well, speaking of weird, creepy things, Halloween is this week. Halloween is coming up, and I’m so excited. I am a Halloween girl. Of course you are. And Christmas is always number one for me, but just under Christmas is Halloween.
Gavin:
You are just you are home goods wrapped up in all of their wet dreams.
David:
100%. Like I have live, laugh, love on my living room wall. I am very sick as fuck. But I wanted to talk quickly about Halloween before we get to our top three lists and then our guests, which I’m very excited about. Um, which is like Halloween is is is a fan, it’s like a kid thing too. Like, I think of Halloween now selfishly, just for me, because I do this really elaborate front yard decoration every year. And it’s always got a theme, and there’s always lighting and music, and it’s like always a big fucking thing. But like Halloween is like trick-or-treating with kids. And this is something that I always dreamed about when I, before I became a parent, was like, oh, it’ll be so fun. And and so I was just curious as like, what do you how do you trick-or-treat with your kids? Your kids are much older now. Um, but like, what is your trick-or-treating point of view?
Gavin:
Well, first of all, I it defin it definitely seems like almost my entire time as a parent, Halloween has been about drinking on the streets.
David:
And every story you tell says it reminds me of drinking, and we gotta talk about that.
Gavin:
Every place I’ve ever lived, the parents walk around with their like, you know, coffee mugs, you know, making its little uh ice cube noises, and we’re just walking along behind the kids as they just go running roughshod, sprinting between locations. When we lived in New York, we went to stores, which was a New York City thing. Yeah. Very novel. I mean, I have pictures of five or six years in a row of my kids running across the um Tiffany’s logo on the floor because we would go to a bougie place to shop, by the way, or to trick or treat. By the way, they didn’t exactly give big bougie uh candy. But anyway, and then I would walk behind them uh drinking. And then now where we live, there’s an adorable main street that we walk up and down, and it’s basically just a bar crawl for the parents, except there’s no bars. So it’s just like a you know, a koozie crawl. Yeah. So that’s my Halloween experience. What do my kids do? By this point, luckily, I don’t have to have eyes on them all the time. We just somehow stumble around in the dark because there’s literally no lights on the street. We stumble around in the dark and eventually find them. And it’s really fun. Really, really fun.
David:
It is fun, right? Like I have a uh we we have this weird thing. Uh I don’t know if this is like a regional thing, but like there’s like two waves of Halloween in our area. There’s wave one, which is at like 4 p.m. when the sun is still fucking bright, where it’s like really, really, really young kids who just got off of school, which I hate because to me, Halloween always starts at dusk. But um, and then there’s a second wave once it’s dark, where like teenagers, bigger families start to come or whatever. Um, I I I fucking love it. But I I feel like I figured out a Halloween hack as the host, right? Like, because that’s the one thing I hate is that I want to go out trick-or-treating with my kids, but I want to answer the door to trick-or-treaters too, because I always scare kids. I will not just give them candy. They have to fucking earn it. So I always open the door with a scary mask, I jump out at them, I have smoke, there’s like a whole thing. But one trick I learned is don’t buy the giant bags of like little baby candies. Yeah. Because A, that’s not impressive, and B, that’s all the kids are getting. Here’s what you do you go to Costco and you buy the big bulk things of full size candy bars. Now you’re I hear what you’re saying, David. That’s so expensive. That’s so great crazy. It actually equals out to be cheaper because you give them each person gets one bar. Now, to them, it’s super fucking impressive. I get a giant fucking MMs bag. Yeah. Yes, you do, but that bag only cost me 40 cents. But if I’d given you a giant handful of these little candies, it cost me more. So it’s more impressive to the kids. And it’s uh it’s uh it’s home economics, really.
Gavin:
They’re they’re like, we always want to go back to that house where that creepy old man who looks 57, even though we’re pretty sure he’s only 42, and he scares the shit out of us.
David:
But when was that man born? That’s the question on the street. We want to know when that man was born. Um, this year I took um a viral TikTok trend, which was I don’t know if you’ve seen it, it was like the skeletons throwing up poison into like a big barrel. Have you seen this? Like, I’ll take your word for it.
Gavin:
Nope. Anyway, so glad you’re here to translate what the kids are doing.
David:
So basically, I did a version of that where like you get like basically a water pump and you snake it up through the skeleton’s mouth, and then it like is vomiting, and then you put like phosphorescent liquid in it so you can hit it with UV light and it looks really cool, and it’s poison. So I did a version of that where I have a skeleton party, like a skeleton frat party. So I have a one skeleton doing a keg stand upside down. I have all these like things, and he’s drinking poison, he’s doing a keg stand, and then I have another skeleton face down in a toilet throwing up, and I have like the poison coming on. It’s all black light, it’s all got moving stuff. So I’ll start.
Gavin:
Set up. Uh, we we definitely need to be able to see that on our socials.
David:
That’ll go viral. Yeah, I’ll post it during um this week when the episode releases. So anyway, happy Halloween, everyone. I fucking love Halloween so much. And um go trick-or-treating and get some uh razors in the candy like we used to be afraid of in the 90s.
SPEAKER_03:
Let’s move on to our top three list.
David:
Gate three arcs, top three list, three, two, one. Gotta love that. Those dulcet tones. Yeah. Do you think that’s a you think that’s gonna be Grammy nominated? Your little thing?
Gavin:
No? Uh, I think it’s ineligible because it’s um such a high level of musicality. And it’s too short. It’s too short. You can’t do Grammys for that. Anyway, uh, moving on from you uh razzing me. What is this week’s top three list?
David:
Um, this week um is top three baby products that are garbage. And you reminded me when we started this recording that um we may have done this before. And guess what? That’s all right. Everyone needs to get the fuck over it because we don’t get paid for this.
Gavin:
So we’re just a lot of but there’s a lot of garbage out there too.
David:
And this is episode 36. So um we we forget sometimes, and we’re old. Well, Gavin’s old. I’m maybe 42, who knows? Um, so top three baby products that are garbage. Now, there’s two ways we could have gone with this that they are just don’t work right or you don’t need, and I kind of have a mixture of two. So, number three for me, baby shoes. Nonsense. Stop it. Stop it. Nonsense. Babies will never walk um unless they’re Jesus. They might walk on water and then just get them some Crocs. Baby shoes are just for decoration, and you don’t have time to decorate your child. Yes.
Gavin:
So please, baby shoes. Head headed into parenting. You think it’s gonna be all about the decoration, but let’s face it, you just need a onesie and go. So yeah, good. Absolutely.
David:
Um, uh, number two for me, boogie wipes. Have you seen these? They’re like little wet wipes that say boogie wipes, so you can wipe your child’s nose. Nonsense. That’s a napkin. I don’t know why you’re rebranding this as a special thing I need. That is literally a wet wipe. All you need is a wet wipe, or what I do, lift up their own shirt and wipe their fucking noses. Um, and number one, and now this was submitted to me by one of our listeners, aka our first surrogate, aka my sister-in-law, aka one of my favorite listeners, Erin, baby cologne. Did you know this existed? Oh, geez. I had no idea. When she texted me that, I thought that this is a joke, right? She sent me an Amazon link. Baby Cologne. Everyone out there who’s buying baby cologne, walk into traffic. Um, that’s my that’s my top three list. What about you?
Gavin:
All right, so for me, number three is honestly, toys of any kind. Oh, yeah. I mean, it’s just it just takes up space. You think that you’re going to use some kind of toy with your kids? No, no, they are just houseplants for the first nine months. And don’t get them toys until, frankly, they’re about maybe two. Uh, because even at one, they just want to like play with the you know, the Tupperware in the cabinet. So honestly, toys of any kind, it’s a waste of money. Number two, fancy spoons. It isn’t the 70s anymore. You don’t need to buy those engraved spoons. Yep. Those silver spoons. Come on. That is a waste of money because it all levels up to what my number one is, which is anything that’s not for the parents. By this point, when a baby is born, just give stuff to the parents. Usually wine, definitely stuff. I was just gonna say, when is alcohol coming in?
David:
I know he’s gonna say it.
Gavin:
Just just give, just shower the parents with things for themselves to have a little bit of peace of mind in their crazy times, you know? So um, it’s all garbage if it’s not just for the parents, because you know, you know, everybody else is gonna get them the shit for the kids anyway, too. So there you go. How about next week? I want to hear from you the top three dance songs that makes your family boogie. I assume that everybody has dance parties, especially when they’re kids your age. And even though I don’t really do dance parties all that much anymore, I definitely know what would be our top three list from a few years ago. So that’s great. Love it. Your top three dance songs.
David:
So our guest this week comes from my personal favorite side of TikTok, which is funny parents who aren’t afraid to call their kids assholes. Talk. Uh, he’s a content creator, a chocolate maker, a dad to three, a hustler, an author, and a man who isn’t afraid to go for the laugh, especially if it pisses people off. A man who loves to toy with the internet trolls who for some reason still follow him. Please welcome to the show, Derek Cahill. Hey, Derek!
SPEAKER_05:
That was beautiful. When you far start when you first started saying that, David, I thought you were riffing. I was like, damn.
David:
No, you were that was prepared. Yeah, I have to write stuff on there, otherwise I’ll be like, here’s a TikTok. Yeah, no. Um, and uh This is a guy. This is a guy. You’ve probably seen him.
Gavin:
That can work too, and you should have seen him, that’s for sure. But yeah, we uh we try to be this is the only polished part of the interview. Now we just all downhill. Yeah, it’s all downhill from here.
David:
So but you are, you are, to be fair, you are one of my favorite TikTokers and Instagram, I don’t know. You get you people on TikTok are trying to shove all your people to Instagram because you’re afraid TikTok is gonna die. But anyway, uh content creators on the like parenting side of uh uh TikTok, which is how I found you and reached out to you.
SPEAKER_05:
I’m a I’m a really weird content creator in that way. Like I really I never try to push people anywhere. There was like one day where shit was getting crazy with TikTok. I was like, if you guys ever want to see me again, I guess go to Instagram. But I’m na dude, I never fucking complain about followers or views. It’s like it just it is what it is, man.
David:
It’s also proof in that like you kind of made a slight niche in like your parenting-y thing, but then you’re not also not afraid to do your chocolate stuff. Also recently, you’re just like, I’m gonna fuck with religious people. Like I love it. But I love it because we talk about authenticity a lot on our show with because we’ve interviewed quite a few content creators, and we, as Gay charcs, Gabin and I, tend to be attracted to people who are a little more real and a little more unvarnished about their point of view on parenting or whatever.
Gavin:
Um entirely so, actually. That’s the whole question. Yeah, it’s the entire problem.
David:
But like I also love the fact that you’re like, yeah, and also I’m gonna depart my lane whenever I fucking please. So fuck all of you.
Gavin:
Do you ever have any haters who are like, we don’t want you talking about your stupid business. We want to see more shit about your kids, or or everybody’s kind of here for it all.
SPEAKER_05:
Um, I’m waiting. I’m sure that I’m gonna get some comments. I don’t know. Uh now that I’m on TikTok shop with it, I’m gonna try to like plug it a little bit more because it’s just so fucking easy, dude. It’s like just you don’t even have to not see the video. You just click it, keep watching the video and buy it. But um, I think by this point, anyone that has followed me for any long period of time, to what you just said, David, it’s like, I fucking come and go as I please, bitch. Like, I’m not here for you, I’m here for me. And just a quick little side note for that, that actually started uh on my first the first time I went like viral um a couple years ago. I don’t know if you guys ever saw the video of me returning the car to Enterprise and I answered the phone for them, or if you ever saw that video at all. But I still sometimes get comments of like, I’ve been following you since Enterprise. But the fucking video on TikTok alone was like 30 million views. That’s bonkers. And it went viral. Other people posted on Facebook and and you know, Snapchat and shit. I was on the radio, and I had like I had three of like the most depressing weeks of my life following that because I’ve been a stand-up comedy, a stand-up comedian for like 14 years. And so like attention, bitch, is all I want sometimes. It’s a drug. It’s 100% a drug. What I had to come to terms with, and luckily I was a 30-year-old like dad-husband professional at the time, and I wasn’t like 20, and I was willing to just dive into that like cesspool of the internet. I was like, bitch, my fucking niche is not gonna be answering phones at retail establishments.
SPEAKER_01:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
So there’s that little bit of like chase the dragon, but what I ultimately came to terms with, it’s like, you know what? I re I made that video because I thought it was fucking hilarious. I’m just gonna keep making videos that I think is funny, and I’m gonna let the people come to me. Yeah. So it’s been I’ve it’s been a little bit probably of like a detour journey. But you said the word already that I love. It’s just authentic. It’s like I’m not, I’m not gonna fucking beat the shit out of like content or series because they’re getting views. The second I don’t like it anymore, I don’t post about it anymore.
David:
And that’s the benefit to you, right? Is that like you can A, remain your authentic self because you’re just doing funny things that you feel like it, but also you don’t have to put your personal investment in things that you don’t fucking care about anymore.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, it’s it’s I think the worst thing I had this guy, I I I wouldn’t say his name anyways, but I also just don’t remember it. He messaged me on Instagram and he was like just starting to make some like dad content. And like when I say just he had posted like three videos over like a week.
SPEAKER_04:
And he was like, hey man, I’m just trying to get some more exposure. Like, could you could you share this?
SPEAKER_05:
It’s like, fuck you, bitch. Like, first of all, first of all, you’re thinking about this from the wrong perspective. It’s like that uh you’re not a business. It’s like, what do you? I’m not gonna advertise for you. Yeah, and also it’s like go scrape your fucking knees a little bit. Yeah, like you gotta go go put out some horrendous content and was that like a blowjob thing?
David:
Were you asking for a bed? Was that that was okay.
Gavin:
David, do you think that if we scraped our knees more, we would actually go viral, just like uh Derek?
David:
My knees have no feeling left of them and they’ve been out of the time I’ve been on them. Um, but it’s funny, I never saw that Enterprise one. But what how you came to me um was bedtime math. And I threw it. In a dream, yeah, yeah. It came in. From here on out. Yeah, no, yeah. Oh my god. But bedtime math was, I feel like, a viral video for you. And to me, it’s what was I was like, oh, this guy fucking gets it. Because if you haven’t seen the video, tell us please uh what the video is.
SPEAKER_05:
Uh I’ll give everyone the TLDR and maybe go to the TikTok if you can find it. Uh, that there is no there’s no subtraction in bedtime, there is only addition. So as you’re getting your kids ready for bed, I’m sure you read them a book right now. But if tomorrow night you read them the book and do a silly voice, guess guess what your fucking bedtime routine is for the rest of your life? You’re gonna read that book in a silly voice.
Gavin:
True down.
SPEAKER_05:
God damn it, if the next night you leave the room and flick the light four times in a goofy voice, guess what your third addition to the bedtime routine is? So you’re gonna read a book in a silly voice, flick the light three times. It just there’s no subtracting.
David:
It’s just additive. Yeah. It’s additive multiplication. It’s so fucking true. It is so uncomfortably true. And I fight it every day before I even saw this video because I could kind of feel that coming. But even now, I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. There’s a fucking sequence of events of 30 minutes that have to happen before bed. And it’s only gonna get longer.
Gavin:
It’s only gonna get longer. And also, though, you feel like if you start to break any of that pattern, that you’re just destroying their little childlike dreams. Yes, it drives you crazy, but at the same time, you’re like, I gotta move on from this. And then you’re just uh taking away all of their uh pleasure and joy in life. But have any of your viral videos gotten you back to the comedic stage? Do you still do stand-up once in a while?
SPEAKER_05:
Um, I do every now and then. Um I’ll go do some open mics. It’s just, it’s such so I did probably like for three years, like non-stop comedy, like multiple open mics a week, like really like in the fucking schlag down in Fort Myers, Florida. Um, it is still just a grind, man, and it’s a different grind, right? So um I was talking to my wife the other day. I don’t have that in me anymore. Like, I there was a period like maybe six months to a year ago where I was like, you know, I feel like I want to do comedy again. My wife was like, go, go do it. So for like two days in a row or three days in a row, I was going out in Dallas and trying to do open mics. And dude, I would fucking get to the place at like seven at seven at night. Yeah. And it’d be midnight, and I’m still not on stage yet. Uh-huh.
David:
No. Uh-huh. Sorry.
SPEAKER_05:
Oh, I don’t have no, I don’t have this in me anymore. Like, that ship has sailed. Like, I don’t have. And also, it’s like, I’m not like a professional stage. I was, I was never doing like an hour show. Like, I was like a good, I could do 30 minutes, right? Like right now.
Gavin:
It still sounds like an awful lot, frankly. Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
But that’s not five. Yeah, it’s not five, but it’s also not a polished 30. Like, I could go like hack my way through it. Um, and I just didn’t want to go down that road of like fucking what five nights a week, staying up till two in the morning, being with that. It’s all it’s a lot of young, um uh uh traumatized people. Yeah, doing it. You know, I’m one of them, dude. But it’s like now I’m one of them that’s kind of come through the other side.
Gavin:
Yeah. Um and were you ever a dad when you were a stand-up?
SPEAKER_05:
I’ve always been a fucking dad, man. I was just a dad. I had Landon when I was 20. Uh-huh. Okay.
Gavin:
So as a stand, I mean, that must be those hours like you just didn’t sleep for days on end, I would imagine.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, it was just you know, it it I love, I love it about like I think the reason trolls just are fucking like I’m like new clear to them is because like no one can ever say anything to me that like I can’t outdo. Yeah, if I want to, right? No. Um, but now I wouldn’t mind doing comedy again. Um, because I think as my following keeps growing, I could probably go and book out, like, oh, I’m gonna come to New York City. Do you guys want to buy tickets and probably go do like a small show? But I’m I’m right now trying to balance like, is that even what I want to do?
David:
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
Or so eh, I don’t know where I’m at yet.
David:
Yeah. I mean, and also as an artist, nobody can hate you more than you hate yourself, right? Am I right? Like, like you, oh, you think that that hurts me? No, no, no. Every time I look in the mirror, I hate myself. So don’t come at me. Like, I don’t know what to tell you. Um, yeah, no, and and so you live in Texas now.
unknown:
Yeah.
David:
I’m sorry for your loss. Um, how’s your electrical grid? How’s your electrical grid? How are things?
SPEAKER_05:
We don’t want to talk about that. Why are the haters? I I I I know you did say it is starting to cool, it’s starting to cool down right now. It was a press like 64 degrees this morning. Oh, tomorrow’s gonna be in the 50s at this as the lower.
Gavin:
You’re pulling out your blankets and jackets, huh?
SPEAKER_05:
As someone with three kids, I I often don’t pull anything out.
David:
So hey! Or whatever or whenever you do pull it out, it’s mostly a disappointment. Um people kind of squint their eyes, they’re like, is is that that yeah, that’s yeah, yeah, that’s what that is. Yeah, okay, that’s what that is. Um yeah, it’s only what 10 minutes of the interview. We’re already talking about dicks. So um, let’s go back to parenting. You are a parent of three. Like, how did three? I mean, I listen, you’re shark. You’re a straight male. I assume I know how that happened, but tell us how how did how’d you become a parent?
SPEAKER_05:
So when a man meets a woman.
David:
Oh Lord. I mean you’ve lost me.
SPEAKER_05:
You’ve already lost me. I don’t know what to say. Gross. Gross. Um so uh I was 20. Oh my god. I mean, the full story is fucking insane.
David:
Yeah, tell us.
SPEAKER_05:
All right, I’m gonna tell you. We’re here for that. I actually don’t tell the full story very frequently. Usually it’s just like I’m an idiot. I had a child of 12. But um I think that at one point I had a pretty significant mental illness that I’ve healed myself from somehow because when I reflect back on like anything before 22, it’s like who I wouldn’t be friends with that guy now. It’d be like, you’re an absolute fucking toolbag. So um I met this girl when I was like 19 or 20. Well, fuck, now we’re gonna know that’s Landon’s mom. So I’ll have to tone down the shit talking. She was pregnant at the time. So not my baby. Okay. Um and just I think I was, oh, we’re about to get real. I think I was so desperate for love that I like, I didn’t even understand the ramifications of like accepting an impregnated woman into my life, like in and all that would entail. It just didn’t, it didn’t feel real to me. You know, it was like I was living in a fucking movie or something. So she had her baby. We weren’t dating all that time, but like we ended up coming back within, you know, into each other’s lives. Her kid was like one or something, and then I got her pregnant. So then, and uh fucking horrendous relationship. All goes back to, I think, wrong reasons for me anyways, wrong reasons. I was like, I was like chasing happiness, which I think everyone that is hopefully gonna test to at one point in their lives is not the way to go get it.
Gavin:
But that definitely tracks as a comedian, too. I mean, this all goes hand in hand in hand, I would say, of like trying to uh trying to find your purpose, trying to find your joy, trying to find um uh all of that that makes life sustainable, you know?
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, just yeah, like what you give a fuck about and finding things that give a fuck about you. Um so that relationship did not last very long. We were like off and on again for a couple years. Um and uh that was Landon, he’s 14 years old now, so he’s like a fucking he’s the biggest asshole as a child. I love him. I love him to literal death, but God, teenagers, no, you’re you’re in a safe space.
David:
Listen, Derek, you’re in a safe space. We literally every day will say, our kids are fucking assholes, and I would jump in front of a bus for them, but also they’re fucking assholes. Yeah.
Gavin:
And we’d love to be able to ask how your kids were assholes today. Was Landon an asshole today already? It’s so early.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. Yeah. Uh well, we have to get him to school, and typically before school at all, it’s uh he’s an asshole. So I uh it’s today in question, and I’ll get back to telling you about my plethora of children, yeah. Is he does ban, he does football, he’s very he does a lot of extracurricular activities. And um, first of all, he’s an asshole just in the general week because he does ban, he has to get his uniform washed. And I told him, I was like, I’m not fucking the the keeper of your uniform. You tell me when it needs to get washed. Monday rolls around, choose your roll, he hasn’t said shit. So of course I fucking took it to the goddamn dry cleaner.
SPEAKER_04:
Of course.
SPEAKER_05:
Um, and I kept it in the trunk of the car, and he has to turn it in today. So he’s getting ready for school. Uh you know, I was like, get up, bitch. Get up, get ready. You got shit to do. You gotta go get your shit out of the trunk, get your school stuff ready. And he’s downstairs just fucking dilly-dallying. It’s time to go.
SPEAKER_04:
And he’s like, Oh, I need to get my uniform out of the trunk of the car.
SPEAKER_05:
Like, what the fuck have you been doing all my? He’s like dilly dallying, dad. Then, then he goes and gets it out of the car. Then then we’re finally ready to go. I can’t find the fucking car keys. And he’s and I was like, Len, did you not take the car keys to get your uniform out of the car? Yeah. Where the fuck are the keys? I don’t know. I don’t fucking know where they are. So, like, for five minutes, we have to hunt the fucking lockness monster of keys. Finally find them. We oh fuck. We get to his goddamn school and it’s midterm week. So we had midterms yesterday, his midterms today. It’s like a weird bell schedule. Today, I got an email like earlier the week. He’s doing just third period and fourth period today. So we’re pulling in, I was like, hey, what’s your first period today? He goes, My normal first period. Uh-oh. And I was like, that doesn’t sound fucking right. So he’s walking away because I told him to go fuck himself. I was like, I’m not dealing with this shit right now. You’re already almost late. And I’m pulling up the email and I yelled to him, I’m like, no, your fucking first period’s third period, you asshole. And call him an asshole aloud. But he’s like, oh, okay.
Gavin:
It sounds like a mopey 14-year-old. But what, you know what? Since you were getting real then earlier, getting real also, what is the advice that you should would share with somebody like him to, you know, uh live an even better life than you have or avoid mistakes?
SPEAKER_05:
To land in?
Gavin:
Yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
Like to a 14-year-old? Yeah. Um, honestly, no, besides wash your ass.
David:
My God.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, wash your ass. He’s living his best life, dude. I think it’s the parent’s responsibility to be like, you motherfucker. Them, it’s like, dude, I think about this frequently. I was lit so first of all, he’s way cooler than I was in multiple facets of 14-year-old. He’s he’s healthier than me mentally and physically. Um, he’s got he’s he’s laxadaisical and forgetful, but like, dude, he’s doing alright. So for him, it’s like, he’s not a fucking adult. You know, it’s like, yeah, dude, you have a fucking Neanderthal brain still. Like, of course you’re gonna forget all this shit. It’s more me. I need to be the one that chills the fuck out. But you know, that ship has sailed, bro. I’m a boiling kettle of tea at this point.
Gavin:
And he just tea. I’ve mastered. I don’t think it’s really tea that would come to mind for how you’re boiling, but that’s cool. Keep going.
SPEAKER_05:
I uh the I’m really good at saying I’m sorry. So that’s the advice I would give to just get great at apologizing, because I think that also makes healthy kids. Like when I was growing up, goddamn, bro, my parents never fucking apologized to me and they were tyrants and drug uh fucking horrendous people.
Gavin:
That’s for another podcast, right? Unless you have something funny to say about it.
SPEAKER_05:
Can we all cry together after? Um, but with land, you know, I figure there’s nothing, as a generally good parent, there’s nothing that you’re gonna do to fuck your kids up, really. And the little things that you can do that are gonna piss them off or hurt their feelings, a good I’m sorry, will go a long way to show them like what emotional regulation looks like.
Gavin:
That’s profound advice, though. Just being able to be check your own ego and let them and kids need to know that we fuck up as parents all the time. And I mean, frankly, that’s our entire existence.
David:
Because he is now entering into that phase where he’s starting to see you for a second as a person outside of your his dad. Yeah. And so you being a real person is a new thing for him. So you saying you’re sorry is what a real person does, uh, versus me who just screams at my kid and you know, shoves him out into the street with no shoes on.
SPEAKER_05:
Um dinner tonight.
David:
Yeah, no dinner tonight. Um la last night um I heard uh my husband was putting my our four-year-old to bed and I heard them arguing with each other, and then I heard my son say, I don’t even want you to live here anymore. Go outside. It’s like, okay, cool. I was like, that’ll be fun.
SPEAKER_05:
Dude, I’ll tell you what, all of us are raising some fucking crazily strong-willed children. Yeah.
David:
So I’m fucking entitled assholes. But we’ve said before on the show we’re like, if you even consider yourself a bad parent or think about yourself as a good or bad parent, you’re a good parent. You’re thinking about it, you’re just considering how your parenting is affecting your child, which I think for a lot of us is more than the previous generation and vice. Anyway, we interrupted you. So you had a kid, it’s this is Landon, and then Oh yeah, let’s get back.
SPEAKER_05:
So um, so uh so then uh Landon was born in 2019 or 20 2009. 2012, uh Derek Cahill got a DUI.
SPEAKER_01:
Okay.
SPEAKER_05:
Oops. And I was so those, so let’s call, let’s just focus on 2009 to 2012, like my first three years as a dad. I had no fucking idea what I was doing. Um, it wasn’t until the tail end of that, like 2012, 2013, that I actually got majority custody of Landon. But it was that 2012 moment when I got fucking arrested, dude. First and only time I’ve ever been in a jail cell, I fucking hated it. It was not good. But also because like I got it was like this stark realization. I was I remember vividly, dude, I was holding the fucking bars and I was like, oh my god, like I’m turning into my parents. And it was this like and I think I’m so fucking blessed that I had that um that thing to just like compare it to because other people, there’s oh, this sucks for me. But me, it’s like, oh wait, hold on a second. I know how this journey ends up.
David:
I’m seeing the future from here. I see the future.
SPEAKER_05:
Um, so it was a tumultuous emotional few days, but ultimately, like, I just took fucking radical ownership of what was going on in my life, and like literally, bro, like 180 my life after that. Like, I stopped drinking for like a year. I was going to AA, even though it was super fucking lame. Um, but went to AA, got my shit together. I went and lived with two people that like I idolized as husband, wife, married. They’re now divorced, but I still love them to death. Um, and then uh about a year and a half later, I met my now wife, Brooklyn. Uh, we were together for three years, and then we had our daughter, Ophelia, and uh now, you know, obviously we’re married, and we had our son a couple years ago, Rowan.
David:
You know, that’s really amazing because a lot of people have that moment, that like that like pivot moment where they got a DUI or whatever it is, where they have an opportunity to kind of look at the two paths or whatever is in front of them, and a lot of people just say, ah, fuck it, and just continue on. But you chose that moment to 1-80 your life, like you said. That’s pretty cool. Um, a lot of people would not do that at 23.
SPEAKER_05:
Well, I think they’re so one of the things that I I’d go back to is like I had a very clear vision of what that road looked like. I think, you know, for people that came from like great families that are now fucking up, they don’t know what the future could be. So it’s not as heavy to like go get the next drink or you know, whatever whatever the fuck their next thing is, but it’s also really fucking hard to change your life. You know, like so, all right, David, you go out tonight, you go get a DUI because you’re hanging out with all your fucking buddies, and all they do is drink and they drive home. It’s fucking hard to go the next day and stop hanging out with them and stop being near them and stop living because it’s your life. Like, I literally, and I got also got lucky, man. Like those two people that I lived with, those two people that let me live in their home with their two children at the time, um, took a big risk on me. Yeah, I was just fucking absolute stupid 23-year-old, got arrested. So, I mean, without them, I would have still been stuck in that like fucking hatred household that I was in with unfortunately Landon’s mom and escaped, dude. And and uh I think a lot of right things had to happen to like get that path going, right? There was a lot of variable, there was infinite roads that I could have taken. Um, and I just found one of them.
David:
I was in college and I had a couple beers with some fraternity brothers of mine at like 10 p.m. Party, party, party, but no more drinking for me. And it was like two in the morning, I was driving everyone home. So I had like I was never drunk, but it was just like four hours since I had awe beer, and I got pulled over by a cop and he said he smelled beer on my breath. So this is two in the morning on campus at a college. I’m doing walk the line, touch my nose. I’m doing all of the humiliating things with all the like the car light spotted on me as everyone’s drunkenly walking back, like taking pictures. It was fucking humiliated. And then um he was like, Well, you’ve passed all the tests, but I still think you’ve been drinking. Even though I was like, bro, I had two beers at 10 p.m. He was like, but you have to take a breathalzer test. And I was like, fuck. And I was just, of course, thinking I’m just gonna go to jail. And so I do the breathalyzer test and it cut it reads something. Um, but this is like, you know, this is 2002 or whatever. So this is way back in the day where they would like print it out on a piece of paper. And he looked at it, he looked at me, and he goes, do it again. And I was like, All right. So I blow into the thing again and it prints out again. And he goes, Well, it says 0.00, so go home and don’t ever do this again, or whatever. And of course, now I’m feeling like invincible because I and I’m and I’m a smart ass. So I so I turn around and I go, Can I get a receipt for that? And because it had printed on this paper, and he looked at me like I will fucking billy club you to death. And I was like, okay, I’m out, I’m gone. Never mind. Yeah, yeah.
Gavin:
Uh this much this must be an awful lot of dark comedy then for you, for your uh for your stand-up routines. I mean, does your does your source material come from your childhood or from your kids or just from life observations?
SPEAKER_05:
Uh, I’m definitely like self-deprecating, but I’m more observational. So I don’t, I don’t go, I don’t tell a very I have some jokes about like my childhood. I definitely probably have a I probably skew a little bit darker. So like one of the jokes I tell, uh I’m not gonna tell you the joke as if I’m fucking on stage, but I’ll give you guys like the punch.
Gavin:
Well, we’ll give you a tip. But just the tip, if you will. Oh my god.
SPEAKER_05:
I was waiting, I was waiting. I was like, am I gonna get two of them? So um, so I don’t know if you guys have taken your kids to the park. Has has another kid ever looked at you like to play with them at the park, like push them on a swing or whatever? So uh one of the jokes I tell on stage is that uh, you know, I’m pushing my kid on the swing, da-da-da. They run off, and before I can leave, another kid’s like, hey, will you push me on the swing? I’m like, fuck. So I start pushing the kid, and I’m all I’m like, everyone’s gonna think I’m a fucking kidnapper, that I’m this weird guy, and I’m pushing them, and no one fucking is saying it. No one’s paying any attention to me at all. So I kidnap the fucking kid. Yeah.
David:
Prove your point. Listen, this is your fault for leaving your kid. Your honor.
Gavin:
Everything’s content for TikTok, for sure. Everything’s content.
David:
Okay, wait. So I I we don’t have to talk about this for a long, but I’m curious. Like, chocolate? What the fuck? How did that happen in your life?
SPEAKER_05:
Um, so I I I do this thing called whatever the fuck I want.
David:
Yeah. I’ve heard of it. And I get that sense from you.
SPEAKER_05:
And uh chalk it’s not always good. I love it. And I think there’s this quote from Steve Jobs that says, you can’t connect the docs looking forward, you can only connect them looking backward. And I love it because it’s, you know, you can’t, yeah, I can’t fucking predict the future, but if I look back and I’m happy with where I am, blah blah blah, keep doing what you’re doing. So I’ve always been like an entrepreneur. I’ve started side hustles for like fucking ever. And we were moving from Florida to Texas because I got a promotion at this corporate shop that I had. And on the drive, my wife and I were like, we should just start that chocolate company we thought about starting a few years ago. So we were in our kitchen at our house. We’d ordered a fucking spinning machine that grinds chocolate. Before we didn’t even have a couch in our house, yet, but we were spinning chocolate. And um, that was four years ago, and it was just very much. I was getting this like tingly feeling about like I fucking didn’t like corporate America. I was very scrappy before corporate America, like I was starting little businesses, doing just odd sales jobs, and then I get this job and I was really fucking good at it. Like I went from regular salesperson to VP of sales in like three years, which is like fucking unheard of. And like a big ass company, like a multi-billion dollar company. And um, but I fucking hated it, man. I hated no one near me was my peers. Like no one around me liked the shit that I liked. They were all like MBA motherfuckers, like good for them, but I’m not that person. I’m like broken inside and I’m you know, I’m sitting here, and I just I didn’t relate to anyone there, so I was I was and I was starting to feel really like anxious all the time. So it was my way of like starting something, like it was like my little escape strategy. And for four years, it was or well, two and a half years, it was like side hustle. I left Corp America, did some consulting, did some odd side jobs just to like keep the bills paid. Um, and then in 2021, we launched Whole Foods. 2022 Walmart told us yes, and we launched uh 800 stores with them in this past April. Amazing. And now next next week we’re launching National with Sprouts.
David:
That’s fucking wild. So it’s great.
SPEAKER_05:
It’s been just bait, like seriously, fucking just I I just randomly started a chocolate company. I didn’t even envision today. It was just like, oh fuck it, we’ll start a chocolate company. And then I just didn’t. The one thing about me is like I don’t quit unless like I have to fucking quit. And I haven’t had to fucking quit yet. So we’re just you know seeing what happens when you don’t stop doing something.
Gavin:
Get it getting back to those bloody knees. I mean, it’s kind of nice to know that you um this isn’t just an overnight success. You really do have to put in the work, and uh and that’s frankly gratifying to know that um not everything is an overnight success. In fact, very little is.
David:
So good and I also I feel like it’s part, it says it speaks to why I think I I like you. And now that we’re doing this interview, I like you even better, which is where you have the attitude that I sometimes have about things where like you’re not afraid to burn it down. Do you know what I mean? You’re like, yeah, if I don’t want to do chocolate anymore, I’ll burn the fucking company to the ground. I’ll start something. I’m not afraid of what that means. I always say to my husband all the time, I’m like, if you told me tomorrow we have to move to fucking Jackson, Mississippi, I’d be like, all right, let’s go. Like, I just don’t, I it’s not I’m not afraid of it. Like, um, and I like that. Yeah, I know I don’t want to move there. Unless I grew up in Florida, I I I I very much know what’s down there. Um, but yeah, no, that’s part of your charm, I think, is that you’re like same thing with your social media. You’re like, yeah, I’ll make fun of this person. Yeah, maybe that maybe that bans me for life. Who fucking cares? You know what I mean?
SPEAKER_05:
Like so I uh Gavin, I don’t I I will be so quick because it looks like you get something fucking funny.
Gavin:
He’s very excited, it’s gonna be really good. Let’s be let’s step over my words over and over again, and that’s the out takes for this episode because somehow I cannot put two thoughts together. But go ahead, or two words. See? Go.
SPEAKER_05:
So I I’m I’m I’m I’m a fucking quote machine. So it’s fucking ridiculously silly and ridiculous I can be on TikTok. Actually, like, I I love learning and and like self-improvement and and just going down that road of like self-discovery. There’s this book called The Second Mountain. I would highly fucking recommend it. It gets a little religious towards the end, so I didn’t really like that too much. But the premise is fucking so beautiful. It’s that every person in life has two mountains. The first mountain is that climb to get shit. Like, I want to get the house, the car, the bank account, the those like material goods. And the second mountain is when you realize that none of that shit matters. It’s about pursuing the shit that you find enjoyable or like that you can find passion in. And not everyone ever sees their second mountain, which I think is fucking tragic. That that not that that not everyone is is blessed enough to like go find that second mountain. Because for me, when I got that job at uh when I was a VP of sales dude, I had fucking everything I ever was chasing. You know, I grew up fucking in poverty. I was in my early 20s, absolutely fucking so poor. So all I ever wanted was money. All money was always the key. I was like, oh, if I could just be making like 150 a year, bro, I’d be fucking so good. But then I have it. I’m making more money than I’ve ever thought I could make in my entire life. I was driving a brand new truck, had a beautiful house, everything. And I was so fucking miserable. So that period of my life, you’ve heard the term like burning the ships, like there’s no going back. I fucking lit the goddamn ships on fire. I was never going to go back to chasing like material or like titles or anything like that. So that’s the journey, and I’m at the very beginning of that journey right now. And and the way that I always put that to my wife was I want to be more irrational. I’m and I think most people are very rational. It’s like, oh well, I can’t quit my job because I have fucking bills to pay.
Gavin:
They they should all over themselves. I should be doing this, I should be doing that, I should be doing this.
SPEAKER_05:
So my wife taped notes all over our house, like next to like where I take shits, you know, where I wake up in the morning.
David:
The bathroom sink. That’s where you take shits. Exactly.
SPEAKER_05:
I have the backyard. Yeah, yeah. My pants sometimes. Um, it just said, be irrational. So it’s like this daily reminder of like, so like when I go on TikTok and I pick what I want to talk shit about, like whether it’s religion or telling a troll to go fuck themselves or using my chocolate to pull a middle finger out at someone that talks shit to me. That’s my ethos is be irrational because why I don’t want the fuck, I don’t want what I had before. I know the journey that I’m on now.
Gavin:
So those are all really beautiful sentiments, and I’m glad you did actually go down that sentimental route. I’m certainly here for it, and David is here for it, even though he pretends not to be. But I am curious, in for terms of being irrational on your social media, do Walmart or Whole Foods ever try to regulate what you do or say?
SPEAKER_05:
No. Um, I also would tell them to go fuck themselves, though.
David:
But that’s what I’m saying. You’ll burn people would look at you and say, What the fuck are you thinking? Whole food, you could be blah, blah, blah. And you’re saying it’s not worth to like have to cap myself and start to feel like I’m being told what to do.
SPEAKER_05:
I live for me. Yeah. And like by proxy, like my family, right? Like that’s my bubble. Those are the people I give a fuck about in terms of like their opinions.
David:
Sure.
SPEAKER_05:
But if you’re not in that bubble, you can literally go fuck yourself. Like, literally go fuck yourself.
David:
Yeah, and I live for carbs. So everyone else, my family included, go fuck yourselves. I am here for carbs only. So um tell me about what is your where do you think you earned your parenting badge? I like to ask this question. Like, when was it like you’re like, oh, I fucking earned it?
SPEAKER_05:
Uh there’s uh there’s one thing in particular that just stands out for me, which is uh Landon was probably like four, you know, uh still still in diapers or five or whatever. Or he was at a point where he’s wearing diapers to bed. Um, he was sick, and I was doing a podcast downstairs with that guy, Joe, that I told you about. My my then girlfriend, but now wife was down there, and Landon, like I said, is ill. And he’s calling me, he’s like, yo, I I shit myself. And I was like, what? He’s like, I’ve I’ve shitted myself.
Gavin:
And I go up there and it just And you’re like, it’s no, it’s Shat, not shit.
SPEAKER_05:
Okay, can we do so? There’s just a diaper full of fucking diarrhea from like a full ass grown toddler, and I have to just dump it into the toilet, and I was like, this is fucking horrendous. Absolutely fucking horrendous. So that that was definitely like if we’re talking like Boy Scout badges, I got a badge on that day, yeah for sure.
David:
Absolutely. I would I I think we should create some sort of like dad badge system, and one of it is like you’ve dumped a diaper full of diarrhea into the toilet. Yeah.
Gavin:
That is, I mean, actually, that’s a great business idea, David. Watch out. Watch out, because Derek is gonna fucking steal that because you know he’s a hustler.
David:
Take it, take it and run, bitch.
SPEAKER_05:
Um, because that would require way too much infrastructure and focus and management of like a community of people, and I couldn’t possibly.
Gavin:
You’re like, I got three ingredients and a plastic bag. That’s that’s my limit.
SPEAKER_05:
I suck at organizational anything.
Gavin:
The context there for our listeners is that uh Wicked Bold chocolate has only three ingredients, right? That’s the secret to it all, right?
David:
Plus the chopping.
Gavin:
Okay.
David:
Well, we love the topping. Insert joke here. Yeah. Yeah. Um, Derek, I’m looking at the time and like, fuck, we have to be done. But I’m so I want to talk to you for hours and hours and hours. Thank you for joining us here on Gate Sharks. Um, everyone, go follow him. What is your handle on uh TikTok?
SPEAKER_05:
Bold Fam.
David:
Bold fam. Go follow him. He’s hilarious. Thank you for joining us today.
SPEAKER_05:
Thanks, Derek. Thank you, gentlemen.
David:
So, my something great this week is um about me, as usual. Um, so as we said earlier in act one, that I love doing displays in my front yard um for Halloween and for Christmas and stuff, and I it’s always very thought out, and there’s a story. And um, my something great this week is I was outside fixing one of the lights, and this probably five-year-old boy came down with his mom and they were looking at it and they were like, Oh, it’s really fun. I was like, Oh, thank you. And then he goes, Um, or the mom goes, you know, he makes me come here every single night. We have to look at this because he loves it so much, and he always loves, he saw you putting it up through his window and he wanted to come see it. And I was like, Okay, all right, that felt really good because I do. I spend a lot of time, I love it so much. My husband’s so annoyed by it, but like I spend money and time making this thing, and there’s one neighborhood kid that loves it and has to come see it every single night. So your something great is about applause for yourself.
Gavin:
Yeah, yeah, somebody applauded me, and that’s what’s great. I totally relate to that and understand. I my something great is that I really appreciate my kids’ creativity in their costumes. Um, and I the something great uh furthermore, just like people who really go out on a limb to do something that’s not sexy or slutty, not even something scary, but just something random. I love a good something random costume. This year, my kid is a mailbox. I love that. And are you just like, how the fuck are we gonna make that happen? But we did it. We did it. And it’s uh it is not, you don’t have it’s it’s not an intellectual leap to be like, oh, that is a that’s that’s a mailbox. You you’re a mailbox. There is no doubt about it. There’s no explanation. And I love a good random Halloween costume, especially that’s been thought of creatively by a kid and very DIY. Love it. And that’s our show. If you have any comments, suggestions, or general compliments, you can email us at Gatriarchspodcast at gmail.com.
David:
Or you can DM us on Instagram. We are at Gatriarchspodcast. On the internet, David is at DavidFM Bon Everywhere, and Gavin is at GavinLodge on nothing.
Gavin:
Please leave us a glowing five star review wherever you get your podcasts.
David:
Thanks, and we’ll scare you next time on another episode of Gatriarchs!